For His Trust (2 page)

“I’m aware of that, Mom.”

“We were very disappointed when it happened. But I told myself—I said, Barb, it will happen when it’s meant to happen and not a moment sooner. There’s a plan for you and this just wasn’t your time.”

Nicole raised her eyebrows. “That simple, huh?”

“It wasn’t simple, it was just the truth. There’s no use wringing your hands about it. Sometimes these things happen.”

“I don’t know,” Nicole said, quietly. She didn’t want to have such a clinical attitude about the death of her unborn baby. She couldn’t have that attitude—it would be like a second death of sorts, to put the baby out of her mind forever. Didn’t that sweet little child deserve to at least have someone remember she had been growing and striving to be born, and that she’d never even had a chance to live? Didn’t she deserve to at least have someone think of her from time to time and love her in spite of it all?

“Trust me, Nicole. I’m a lot older than you and perhaps I’ve learned a thing or two about being a mother.”

Nicole nodded her head and tried to accept her mother’s words at face value, while still allowing herself to feel what she felt. She didn’t want to start feeling guilty about being sad on top of everything else she was going through.

And then Red stepped in. “Barb, I think I can speak for both of us when I tell you that we truly appreciate your wisdom. I respect the fact that you went through your own difficult moment, and you came through it stronger than before.”

“I just did what had to be done. I still got up and went about my life. I had to work full-time, even back then. I went to work and did my job and nobody would have known that I’d been through a miscarriage.”

Red smiled with patient understanding. “At the same time, Nicole is a different person and she’s sad right now. It’s okay with me if she’s sad for as long as she needs to be.”

“I never said she shouldn’t be sad.”

“Okay, then,” Red smiled. “So we all agree. Nicole’s going to take whatever time she needs to recover from this. We’re all sad, and we support Nicole one hundred percent.”

“I never said anything to the contrary.”

Nicole took a deep breath. “It’s fine. Everything’s fine.”

“I’m being supportive of you and Red. Isn’t that what you wanted?”

“Yes, and it means a lot to me.”

“Well, I just don’t see why everyone is so doom and gloom around here. It’s not healthy.”

“Nobody’s doom and gloom. We just need a little time.”

“Well you’ve got only so much time. I thought you were planning a wedding.”

“I was, and I will be again. When I feel up to it.”

“Maybe it’s not always the best thing to have so much time and money that you can afford to be depressed. I couldn’t afford to be depressed.”

Red clapped his hands. “What say I have Chef Roland wrangle us up something to eat, huh?”

Nicole’s mother nodded unhappily and Nicole took a deep breath. She didn’t know if she’d ever make it through her mother’s visit. She wanted nothing more than to crawl back into bed and close her eyes—make everything go away.

But she pushed through the way her mother would have wanted her to.

Chef Roland was at the ready, and he came to the kitchen and cooked them a wonderful lunch of lemon chicken over linguine. Nicole mostly picked at her food, but Red and Barb ate every last bite of theirs.

Despite her protests to the contrary, Barb seemed to love being waited on and catered to, as if it were her secret birthright to have been a queen or a member of the aristocracy. By the end of the day she was drinking wine and talking about art and laughing at every word that came out of Red’s mouth.

And then night fell and she said she was going to drive home, even though it would be a long drive back. “I want to go to sleep in my own bed,” she told them.

Red made her a huge mug of coffee, extra strong, and she took it with her. She hugged Nicole once before leaving—a strong, vice like grip that revealed she still had plenty of strength left, however much she might have aged. “I love you so much,” she whispered into Nicole’s ear.

“I love you too, Mom. Thanks for coming.”

“Bye, darling.” She waved at Red and then she was gone.

“Thank God that’s over with,” Red said, as he closed the door and walked with Nicole towards the stairs to the master bedroom.

“You finally won her over,” Nicole said. “I didn’t think it was possible.”

“I don’t think I won her over. I think she decided she was going to prove that she could like me.”

Nicole smiled. “Yeah, that’s probably true.”

Red put a hand on her lower back. “Are you okay?”

“Not really.”

“I love you, Nicole. And I’m sad too. Not a second goes by that I don’t think of the baby. But she is loved. Isn’t that all anyone wants, at the end of the day—to be loved and remembered?”

“I guess.” Nicole felt the tears in her eyes yet again. “I just wish we’d had a little bit of time with her. I can still feel her, you know?” She pressed a hand to her heart. “I can feel her little soul calling out to me. She wanted to be hugged and held and sang to, and we never got a chance.”

Red’s eyes were wet now. “I know. I know.”

They went upstairs together and climbed into bed, and Red held her in his arms.

He was stronger than ever, she realized. He held her close and she smelled his scent, she felt his breath against her hair and her cheek. She was taken care of.

It wasn’t what she wanted right now. Right now, what she wanted was her baby.

But it was enough. It had to be enough.

***

Nicole woke up very early the next morning.

It was just after five a.m. and the idea hit her like a thunderbolt. It was so simple, so perfect. It had to be right.

She put a hand on Red’s shoulder and shook him slightly.

He opened his eyes and lifted his head. “Huh? What is it---are you okay?”

“Yes. I just woke up and I had to tell you something.”

“Okay, I’m listening.” He wiped the sleep from his eyes.

“I want to elope.”

Red turned to face her in the semi-darkness. “You want to elope? Why?”

“I just woke up and it was the first thing I thought. It feels right. I don’t want to worry about guest lists and tablecloths and what food to serve and the venue and sending out the perfect invitations. I just want to be with you.”

He blinked at her. “Are you sure? Because you always said—“

“I know what I said,” she interrupted. “But everything’s different now.”

“Because of the baby?”

“I don’t know. Yes. I suppose so.”

“I think we just need some more time before we make any decisions. You’re in a certain frame of mind right now,” he said tiredly.

“This isn’t just a frame of mind. I want to elope, Red.”

“Of course I’ll do whatever you want. But honestly? I don’t think that’s what you really want, Nicole.”

Now she felt angry with him. She sat up in bed and folded her arms. “What do you mean, it’s not what I really want? You think you know what I want better than I do?”

Red sighed. “No, Nicole. I don’t.”

“Don’t take that tone with me.”

“What tone?”

“Like I’m crazy.”

“Nicole, it’s five a.m. You woke me out of a deep sleep to tell me you want to completely change our wedding plans because of some random thought that popped into your head.”

“It wasn’t some random thought.” She glared at him. “I don’t care about all those other people, Red. I care about me and you.”

Suddenly, he reached across the bed and grabbed her arm and pulled her towards him. “And what do you think I care about?”

His touch, even now in her depressed state, still brought heat to her entire body.

She looked into his dark eyes. His curly hair fell across his forehead in that way that she found totally sexy.

But now there was something else, too. She felt angry, she felt wild—she felt unpredictable. In the past, whenever they’d had sex, it was always because of Red that Nicole engaged in the kind of ritualistic game playing that he so enjoyed. Yes, she liked it too, but mostly because of what it did for him.

For the first time, though, Nicole wanted to do it as much or more for herself as she did for Red.

“I don’t know what you care about,” she said. “Maybe you need to show me.”

She looked at him and he looked back at her. In the early morning gloom, she could see the whites of his eyes and the black pits of his pupils and he almost had the look of a wolf about him.

“Don’t ask if you aren’t ready to receive.”

“Who says I’m not ready?”

“Either way,” he growled. “You know what this means.”

“I’m not a total idiot,” Nicole replied, writhing in his grasp. He gripped her arm more tightly.

“You’re being very bad right now,” he rasped.

“So? Who’s going to punish me?”

“Keep talking and it will be worse.”

“Maybe I want it to be worse.”

He turned her onto her stomach, so she was lying in his lap across the bed. He was hard, so she knew she’d excited him. Nicole was wearing nothing but her bra and panties, and she wiggled her ass at him, knowing what was coming.

He slapped her butt. There was a slight sting, but nothing near what she wanted to feel right now. “More,” she demanded.

“Well all right then,” he said. His hand came down harder on her ass. He spanked her butt again and again.

“I need to be bare,” she said. “My bare ass needs a spanking.”

Red exhaled heavily. Suddenly he’d ripped the panties right off her, ripped them clean in half like they were some kind of special break away Velcro panties. “Okay,” he said. “So now your ass is bare.”

“Yeah, that’s more like it.” She wiggled it at him again. “Now spank me like you mean it.”

He started to spank her ass, moving from one cheek to the other, paddling her flesh with real vigor. It stung and there was the requisite heat. She was getting wet. Her pussy ached for him. And yet…somehow there needed to be more.

She wasn’t satisfied with the level of pain. She needed more. “Come on,” she whined. “Do it harder.”

“You want harder?”

“Come on. You heard me.”

And then he stopped entirely. Nicole looked up at him from over her shoulder.

“Why are you stopping? I need to be punished.”

Red stared down at her. “You know this isn’t how it goes.”

“Stop being so rigid. Come on. I’m aching to be spanked and fucked.”

“You need to calm down. You’re out of control.”

“This isn’t out of control,” she said, sitting up. She looked at him. Her nipples were hard and tight. She was wet for him but she didn’t want it like this. She wanted it angry and hard and fast. She wanted to forget who she was.

“Nicole, you need to slow down,” he told her. “This isn’t a free for all.”

“Bullshit. Come on,” she dared him. “Afraid of a little tiny girl?”

His eyes blazed. “Don’t push me.”

She did push him then, hard on his shoulder. He grabbed her wrist. She pushed him with her free hand and he grabbed that wrist too.

Nicole tried to break free from his grip.

She was wrestling with him now, and the two of them rolled across the bed.

Nicole was using her arms and legs, scratching and kicking as Red tried to gain control of her. At first she felt like it was all in fun, but that angry part of her seemed to blossom as Red began to slowly win the wrestling match.

Finally, she scratched his cheek and drew blood.

“Nicole,” he said, sitting back and touching his cheek. “What the hell?”

She sat up. “Can’t take your own medicine?”

Red’s eyes darkened and he smiled, a slow grin. “You really do want to be a bad girl this morning.”

“I need someone to punish me and then I need to be fucked hard,” she whispered.

“Do you, now?”

She nodded with a wild look in her eyes.

“That’s nice for you.” He suddenly yawned, lay back down and turned over onto his stomach, adjusting his pillow under his head.

Nicole watched him uncomprehendingly. “Red?”

He didn’t answer. His body was a lump under the covers.

She shook his shoulder. “Don’t pretend to go to sleep. That’s not nice.”

Red didn’t answer.

She sighed. “I’m sorry I scratched you. I thought we were playing rough.”

After another minute or two of him still not replying, Nicole began to get really angry. Her stomach was twisting and churning and she could feel her cheeks burning.

Why was he doing this to her now of all times? Didn’t he know she needed him to be close to her?

But his body remained still. He was totally ignoring her and she felt totally rejected.

Nicole got up, knowing how silly she was being, and headed for the door. “I guess I’ll go downstairs. Maybe when Chef Roland gets here he can take care of me. He looks like a man who can satisfy a woman.”

Suddenly she heard Red moving behind her. When she turned he was in her face, his eyes wide and enraged. “What the hell are you talking about, Nicole?”

“I thought you were asleep.”

“What kind of shit are you pulling with me right now?”

She folded her arms and tried to stand her ground. “I wasn’t pulling any shit.

You’re the one who just went to sleep in the middle of me trying to be close to you.”

“This isn’t that kind of game, babe. I don’t play the abusive husband role.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

He looked at her and his eyes softened. “I know what you’re trying to do,” he whispered. “You’re scared and hurt and sad and you think that if we inflict pain on one another, it’s going to change things for you.”

She lifted her chin. “You think you know everything about me.”

He smiled a little. “I do know everything about you.” He walked closer still and put a hand under her chin. “You’re my soul mate. You’re my everything—more important to me than anything else in this world. You, Nicole.”

She wanted to cry now. She wanted to hit something. She broke down in tears, literally sinking to the floor. “It wasn’t supposed to be this way,” she said. She could barely understand herself, talking through all of these tears.

Red was holding her now, cradling her on the floor of their bedroom. She was a limp rag doll in his arms. “I know,” he whispered. “I hurt too.”