Fool Me Once (14 page)
Authors: Sandra Lee
“Eva.” He whispered as if to himself.
“Yes?” she managed to croak out
He sighed deeply and liked she imagined he had done earlier, raked his hand through his thick black hair.
“I am so sorry Eva. I really didn’t mean to come here and kiss you like that; it’s just that when I am around you I cant seem to control myself. The dress you are wearing tonight, it reminds me so much of the dress you wore that night, add that to the last couple of weeks that have left me unsatisfied and very frustrated, although not half as frustrated as I am feeling now.” He added with a nervous laugh.
Pressing her right hand against her lips, wishing the imprint of his mouth to always stay there, she looked at him and whispered since it seemed to be all she could manage.
“Don’t be sorry Jake. I’m not. I wanted you to kiss me again. I barely thought of anything else since my brother’s barbecue. I just can’t seem to keep you out of my mind. Can’t stop myself from wishing things could work out between us.” She looked at him and she looked so hopeful, he almost caved in and let go of all his fears, but he held back.
He pulled away from her and walked to the couch motioning for her to sit beside him. If he kept her in his arms a moment longer, he would ravish her right there on the floor.
She went to him eagerly, almost light headed at the thought maybe he was feeling the same way about her as she was feeling for him. Her heart beat so fast and hard in her chest that she feared it would break through.
“That’s why I am here Eva. I was thinking about us being friends and all. I came to the obvious conclusion that it would almost be impossible for us to be just friends. I don’t think I could spend much time around you and not go crazy if I can’t touch you.” He stopped a moment and looked at her hopeful expression. For a fraction of seconds he had third and fifth thoughts about what he was a bout to say, the second one he had had it in the car.
“I hope you won’t take this the wrong way, but I thought maybe the best way was for us to you know deal with our need for each other and get rid of it.”
She blanched.
“Get rid of it.” She repeated as if a mantra.
“Yes. Then we could become friends with none of those lusty needs that are only remaining of things we started and never finished. Once we get it over with, then we will be free of those. I don’t want to feel that way about you, but I tried fighting them, and for some reason, they just wont go away. I just end up wanting you even more. So, I think that by us having sex, it would take away the mystery, the anticipation, and all that stuff out of the way. Then maybe things wouldn’t be so awkward between us.”
There was a long moment of silence in which Eva tried to rein in her anger, her disappointment, but most of all the pain; so harsh it took her breath away. He wanted to
get rid of those lusty needs
! The nerve of the man! He wanted to have sex with her just so he would feel more comfortable? And he dared tell her she had loose morals. She must admit though that she had been tempted. Making love to Jake would be a wonderful experience, and then after he may or may not realize how wrong he was about her, and then she may or may not have a chance at gaining his love. But all those may or may not were too much of a risk; especially after that little speech he had just given her. The may or may not had more chance on leaning towards the not. Then she would suffer even more then she would if she had only refused his proposition, which she was going to do now. Calmly. She wouldn’t give in to her desire. For her it would mean completely surrendering her heart, for him it would mean the scratching of an old hitch. She wished for the old feeling of hate to return so the pain could stop.
“Jake” She said as calmly as she could. “I think it is better you leave…now! I don’t want to say things that I would regret saying, nor do I wish to break any of my precious belonging on your head. I think that was the coldest most despicable thing I have ever heard. It would have been better for you to just have sex with me right away without saying a word. God knows I was willing. But that little speech, you wanting to get rid of unwanted feelings, well that was just…I don’t believe there are words in our vocabulary to describe how selfish, hurtful and self centered you are.
He shrugged then walked out the door, never looking back, never noticing how her mask crumbled, and how her tears finally fell, unrestrained and unchecked.
Why did he feel like an asshole? He had just tried to be honest with her. He thought there had been too many lies and unsaid feelings in their past already, thought it would be best for both of them to be straightforward with each other. He stuck his hands in his jeans pockets and started for his car. Was he really being honest with her or himself, saying it would all go away? Did he really think that having her once, twice, three times would be enough? Did he think that having her less then a lifetime would actually satisfy him? He knew the answer, he had known the answer for days now, and seeing her tonight with blondie there, had just reinforced his conviction that he could never stand seeing her with anyone else, could never think of her in another man’s arms. The jealousy that had seized him when he had seen that guy kiss her had amazed him. He had never been the jealous type, not with any of the women he had been with, and he had been with a lot of them over the years. The only other time he remembered feeling that way was
that night
eight years ago, seeing her kiss Ben had almost been the death of him. He had loved her so much, had wanted her so badly. The betrayal he had felt that night had changed his life forever. He wondered what would have happened had Ben never approached her that night, wondered if they would be happy together today. After that, he never let himself love another woman, nor had he ever felt the need to claim a woman as his own, the way he craved Eva. No! One, two, three, one thousand times with Eva would never be enough. He had to tell her somehow, had to make her forgive him for being such an idiot, had to tell her he had made a huge mistake. He had to tell her the past didn’t matter anymore, had to tell her he wanted to explore their future together. He strongly believed that if she forgave him for thinking he could get rid of his
unwanted feelings
for her; they had a chance of having a wonderful future together.
She had heard the door close behind him and had heard him walk out of her life once again. Except this time there was no walking back in. He had made his feelings, or lack thereof very clear. She wanted to beat herself up for falling for him all over again. She couldn’t understand why she loved him so much, was it because of the past, the way she knew he could be; the carefree, fun-loving, friendly young man? Or was it more, a combination of how he had been in the past and how he was today? Was it because she could still see the compassion and the charm he exerted on others, the way she knew he was dedicated to his work, to his friends, and the way he got so intense with her? She had seen the passion in his eyes, seen his need, heard the huskiness in his voice, these things he couldn’t fake…were those the reasons why she loved him? Or was it because she was the bumbling idiot she never thought she would be, falling for the first asshole to raise her blood pressure; loving the way he treated her badly, the fact he thought her amoral, the knack he had to insult her, always knowing what would hurt the most? She didn’t think it was the reason, but maybe there was a lot of truth in the statement that nice guys always came last? She sure didn’t have strong feelings towards James, which in a way was very understandable as he was not into women, but then again she didn’t think she could have strong feelings for Andrew either, one of the nicest man she had ever met. Was she doomed in that she truly loved Jake for everything he was and wasn’t? She feared she did but she was unwilling to let her thoughts wander any longer along those lines. She turned the TV on, wishing for a light comedy, or better yet a slasher movie in which she could picture herself taking revenge on a certain man. But of course, it wasn’t to be. “ An affair to remember” came on the screen. She watched, as Gary Grant stood alone on top of the building, waiting for someone that wasn’t to come. Eva grabbed a tissue and blew her nose. She glanced a glimpse of herself in the mirror. Swollen eyes, red nose, tangled hair; she was about as attractive as a dirty cloth on a floor. She almost laughed; Jake certainly wouldn’t have any trouble keeping his hands off her if he saw her right now. She turned back to the television, staring at the screen, picturing herself up there, waiting for the man she loved; waiting forever for a man that would never come.
The loud knock on the door brought her back to reality, wait she thought dizzily, me waiting for a man that will never come is reality. She almost laughed out loud, but restrained herself, thinking that going insane really wasn’t the solution. She walked to the door and threw it open, foregoing her habitual ritual of asking who was at the door before she opened it. She should of, because as soon as it was opened, she slammed it shut again, only, a strong hand stopped it before it clenched closed, and easily pushed it back open, despite the fact that she had put her whole body weight against it. She thought she needed to start eating more ice cream and potato chips just for such an occasion. Coldly she looked at the person standing there.
“Eva?” She didn’t say anything, just kept staring at the man standing in front of her. He just stood there and looked down at her, waiting for her to say or do something.
“Jake.” She said as coolly as she could manage.
Again he didn’t say a word, just searched her face, noticing the dry tears on her cheeks, the bright new ones still in her eyes, the sad lines of her mouth, the tangled hair, the weepy nose. He sighed deeply and brought his arms around her, hugging her tight against him. She just stood rigid. He couldn’t bear to see her so sad. He refused to let his hopes up that maybe it meant she might care about him, right now it wasn’t about him, it was about her. He gently stroked her hair, until a soft sob escaped her and he felt her soften if only slightly against his touch. She felt it too because she squirmed against him, trying to wiggle out of his embrace. He couldn’t let her go, he had her in his arms and realized he wanted to always keep her there. He kissed the top of her head and finally let her slip out of his arms.
“Jake! You can’t keep doing this.” She said sobbing, any semblance of strength she had earlier had completely crumpled.
He flinched, all the pain he saw in her eyes was his fault. He was responsible for all of it. All those tears were because of him, he felt a rush of self-hatred; how could he have treated her this way? She deserved so much better then him, yet he wasn’t strong enough to let her go. He was so selfish, he needed to keep her himself.
“I am so sorry Eva. I know saying sorry isn’t enough, but it’s all I can do and hope that one day you will forgive me for all that I have said and done, not only tonight but since we met each other again. What I said tonight was truly unforgivable. I know that. The thing is, it wasn’t even true. Yes, I want you, but there is so much more then just wanting, feelings I haven’t analyzed yet, feeling I am too afraid to explore. But I promise you; I never want to get rid of them. I lied when I said that once we have sex all the passion, the fire burning between us would go away. They never will, not for me anyway. I don’t want one night with you. Damn! I don’t really know what I want, but I know I want to figure it out. If you would please give me another chance.” He stopped and looked at her. She just stared back, she couldn’t let herself believe him yet, it could be another trick, couldn’t it?
“I understand you may have trouble believing me right now” He said as if reading her mind. “ But give me a chance to prove to you that I can be much more then just an arrogant jerk, with nothing but negative and degrading comments for you. Let me prove to you that you mean more to me than just about anyone else.”
With no other word, he just walked out the door and to his car. Eva swallowed quickly. Thoughts after thoughts flooded her brain. Before she could think about them, before she could decide otherwise and fall for his words, she closed the door behind her and locked it. She walked to her bedroom, and with her clothes still on buried herself under her cover. Tonight she wasn’t going to think or feel anymore, tonight she was going to sleep and forget.
He rubbed his forehead and once more looked at the clock. It was 3 pm and she hadn’t called him yet. Had he gone too far the previous night with his proposition that they slept together? Would she ever forgive him for being such an idiot? He tried putting her out of his mind as he was getting behind on the programming schedule. He had a meeting with Josh the next day and he wasn’t completely happy with the last changes he had made to the game. But no matter how hard he tried, his mind wasn’t in it. He kept glancing at the clock and saw minutes after minutes go by without a call. He couldn’t concentrate on the numbers and letters, couldn’t visualize the final product in his head. All he could think about was how she had looked last night and why she wasn’t calling him today. He got up and walked to the window, maybe a break from looking at his work was what he needed. Just as he was about to give up and go home for the day, his phone buzzed. He ran back to his desk to pick it up.
