Flare (16 page)

“And what’s that besides that you know you’re highly empathetic?”

“Sometimes I allow my need to feel loved get in the way of what’s best for me. I don’t do that with women, though. Only men. And I don’t think that’s because I’m gay. I really think that has more to do with all my loss-of-father shit that comes to the surface every now and then. I have an easier time developing and maintaining really deep, healthy relationships with women.

“Summer and I have been thick as thieves since we met. My sister and mom both know everything that happens in my life. When I met Erin, I was fully prepared to hate her, or at the most, learn how to tolerate her since she stole my man from me,” Hugo said with a teasing smile to show he wasn’t quite as serious as his words sounded, but Kevin understood the emotions beneath. “But even Erin ended up being someone I reached out to and quickly learned to love. It’s always been easier with women, but I don’t get the love I want from women. It’s not enough. I crave the love of a man, but I don’t always make the best choices because of it.”

“You’re not having sex with me just so you’ll feel like I love you, are you?” Kevin seriously asked. “We could skip sex entirely, and I’d still want you. You know that. Don’t you?”

“I know. I
do
know, but sometimes feelings bubble to the surface without me being completely cognizant of them right away. I’m great at reading other people’s feelings, but not so great at recognizing my own,” Hugo said.

Kevin felt like shit. For weeks he’d been unwittingly pressuring Hugo with his own ever-ready cock. “I almost feel like we need a code, like a tie hung on the bedpost or something that’ll tell me you’re not feeling it.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Hugo laughed, leaning forward and then kissing Kevin. “I just need to be more aware of how I’m feeling and tell you.”

“How about we start right now?” Kevin suggested.

“Okay.” Hugo took a deep breath as if preparing to unload. “I feel a bit overwhelmed with work right now. I’m tired of traveling and living out of a suitcase, and I find it hard to come home, especially when I have no clue what’s going on there. It takes me some time to figure out where everyone is emotionally, where they need to be, and, honestly, where I fit into all that.”

“What do you mean?” Kevin asked, concerned Hugo felt pushed out of his family, but if he thought back to how he felt while married to Erin and working on the road, he understood his sentiments.

“It’s different with Rowan around. Don’t get me wrong, I love having her help. She’s amazing, but I do feel a little like a stranger to everyone. That’s not her fault. It’s because of my travel schedule. I think it’s been easy for me to use her as a scapegoat.” Hugo looked miserable. “I feel guilty about some of the thoughts I’ve had the last few trips. I get jealous.”

“Hugo, don’t feel bad. You basically ran the household for the last year, and now suddenly, you aren’t anymore. You’re bound to feel out of sorts, but we can fix that. I’ll stop poking you with my hard-on the minute you walk in the door, okay?”

Hugo chuckled, shaking his head as his shoulders moved from his laughter. “You’re not quite that bad, you know.”

“Stop sending me porn. That doesn’t help,” Kevin admitted.

Hugo snorted and smirked. “I was doing that for your benefit since I couldn’t be there.”

“I don’t want porn. I want you.”

“Good.”

Kevin gave a quick nod before getting back on track. “And I’ll try to let you know what’s happening with everyone and give you time enough to unwind from your flight. I’ll even let you shower alone. I promise.”

“I didn’t say I wanted to give up company in my showers, but it might be nice if we could go on a slower timeline when I first get home rather than the hyperdrive the family’s been in the entire time I’ve been gone. It can be jarring to shift gears that fast.”

“How’d we even get to this place?” Kevin asked.

“What do you mean?”

“We started out talking about kinky sex in the lake, fucked on a fluffy rug, and got to this. It’s crazy how we talk sometimes.”

“It’s not crazy, Kevin. It’s good. It’s good that we can talk about all these things, that we can go off on tangents and still draw some pretty decent conclusions at the end of it all. Don’t get too scared, but I think that’s a sign of maturity.”

“Middle age. It’s coming.”

“Something like that.”

“Let’s not think about it. Let’s go to bed instead.”

CHAPTER TWELVE

Pride & Perspective

T
HE
DOOR
shut behind him with the loud
thump
of finality. Kevin knew he was allowing his imagination to get away from him because he was dreading this so much. However, he wasn’t imagining the foreboding silence as he pulled out a heavy chair and took a seat next to Mark. No one seemed willing to be the first to speak.

Kevin didn’t feel hopeful about this second mediation session at all. The set look of determination on Tasha’s once-pretty face told him this wasn’t going to be over that day. Kyle poured her a glass of water before pouring himself one, but Tasha pointedly ignored it.

She was wearing a blue-and-green dress but had also put on a green blazer. A power jacket was all Kevin could call it because it reminded him of some of the suits women wore in the eighties with huge shoulder pads. It was almost as if Tasha had gone out of her way to look larger than her naturally thin frame, like she wanted to intimidate Kevin. The impeccable dye job on her red hair made Kevin wonder if she’d gone to the salon before this second meeting. She was even wearing eye shadow, and Kevin had never known Tasha to wear eye shadow except on special occasions. Maybe she thought she needed to dress to impress. Kyle had even decided to wear a blazer and tie this time around rather than a polo shirt. After all, Kevin wore a work suit. Maybe they’d felt intimidated during the first session and decided they needed to wear better armor this time around.

Armor might have been a good thing to consider, because Tasha and Kyle were playing dirtier this time around. As soon as the mediator had decided to break the silence with some pleasantries and to remind them of some of the ground rules for the meeting, she handed the floor over.

Tasha eagerly started talking about the bear hug incident, describing what had happened that day. She made herself sound like the perfect grandma and Kevin like an abusive father. “Finn was upset, tearful and emotional. I tried reassuring him, but it seemed to make things worse, and soon he was out of control. Kevin came in from the kitchen like a hulking brute, glaring as he rushed in. And then he manhandled Finn so the boy couldn’t get away.” She stopped talking and gave a haughty look to the mediator, as if her words had somehow proved that Kevin abused Finn.

“You’re referring to the calming technique Mr. Magnus uses with Finn.” The mediator remained emotionless and drew out several sheets of paper, which she then passed around the table. It was Lori’s statement. “I’ll give you a few minutes to read this.” Kevin glanced down and read the sheet.

Mr. Magnus and Mr. Thorson have used a well-documented calming technique to help Finn, a restraint they have both been trained in using correctly. I’ve witnessed them using it. From Finn’s own account, he found what he termed the “bear hugs” as something that reminded him he was “safe and not ever going to be left alone.”

“Kevin, how often is this technique used?” the mediator asked.

Kevin took a sip of water before answering so he’d stay calm and not react defensively. “The last time we used it was when we were at the Clarkes’ house. Finn has gotten past his self-injurious meltdowns. That’s why we used the bear hugs in the first place. He was already seeing a therapist to help with the loss of Erin, so we talked to Lori about how to help him through his meltdowns. Hugo and I have worked hard to help him learn better ways to self-soothe. Sometimes the bear hug was needed because those calming techniques weren’t working and anything else we did aside from the hug made his meltdown escalate.”

“It was barbaric,” Tasha said with a raised voice that was filled with disgust. “How could you do that to him?”

“How can you ask that when Kyle was about to slap him? That’s what I saw when I walked into that room, a screaming, terrified little boy and his grandpa about to hit him,” Kevin said. “I’ve never hit my son in my life, never laid a hand on him like that even once, and Kyle had his hand raised to do what? Slap him out of his meltdown? Tasha, do you honestly think slapping him would’ve been a better choice than me hugging him and telling him that I was there and that everything was fine and
showing
him that I would protect him?”

Kevin looked into Kyle’s familiar eyes while the mediator tried to cut the tension in the room. She used a measured tone to say, “I recognize everyone’s emotions are on edge, but we are here to find a way to make this work.”

Kyle’s eyes seemed to be swimming in regret. Erin had inherited his aqua eyes, and Kevin could too easily read his feelings. He couldn’t allow nostalgia to get in the way of protecting Finn, though, so he looked at Tasha again, where directing his anger was much easier.

For Kevin, it was nerve-racking to see two disparately divergent viewpoints of the same situation. Three, if the mediator was counting Finn’s own recollection of that day. Kevin had the strong desire to bring up that stupid doll Tasha had used, but after their first mediation session, Mark was even more determined to keep that ammunition well hidden until they needed to use it.

As the hour ticked away and it was more and more obvious they were never going to see eye to eye, Kevin could feel the energy draining out of him. At times, Tasha looked near maniacal, and he was reminded of the previous mental breakdown she’d had when Erin was a teen. This was a woman who could be dangerous if pushed too hard. It seemed Mark truly knew how to read people.

When he finally opened that heavy door and left the room, he saw Hugo sitting on a hard wooden bench just outside the room where he was wringing his hands raw. It wasn’t nearly as awful as the first meeting, but Hugo told him he looked white as a ghost. Just being close to Hugo, who immediately grabbed his hand and squeezed, helped Kevin feel more at ease. Tasha and Kyle steadily ignored Hugo when they walked into the hallway, treating him as if he didn’t exist. Kevin was sure they wished he didn’t.

Hugo was glad he hadn’t been in the room after Kevin told him what had happened as they drove home. “I’m not sure I could’ve kept my mouth shut. It made me sick to my stomach to think about what was going on and that you were in there alone facing them. But I’m not the dad and I’m not listed in the case, so my presence isn’t necessary, even if this is really about me being a part of your life.”

H
UGO
DIDN
’
T
feel like he fit, and the second mediation session hadn’t helped. That thought was never too far from Kevin’s mind as the summer faded. Sure, Hugo had attributed his feelings to tons of travel and basically being displaced by Rowan, but Kevin couldn’t get the thought out of his head. Somehow Kevin had to find a way to help Hugo feel more included.

When Rowan and the kids got back from their camping trip safely, Kevin sat back and observed. Rowan often didn’t even give Hugo or Kevin the opportunity to help the kids with certain requests. She just hopped right to it and took over. It was slightly reminiscent of what Erin used to do when Brooke was first born, never allowing Kevin to act as a father. So to sit back and see what Rowan was doing, it was no wonder Hugo didn’t feel included. He really wasn’t. So Kevin talked to her.

While Hugo was off on a job, Kevin had asked him about getting together with the game night people, but they had yet to do it because of Hugo’s crazy schedule. Maybe that would help Hugo feel more like he fit. He could make some new friends whom he’d have more of an opportunity to see on a regular basis now, rather than Summer or Gilbert who were both very involved with their new boyfriends.

Mike and Hugo eventually got together over at the house one night and had come to an understanding after Mike sincerely apologized. They did it over a few bottles of beer while Kevin gave them the privacy he thought they both deserved. When he got back from a walk around the neighborhood with Rowan, Lulu, and the kids, he was happy to hear Hugo laughing at one of Mike’s inane jokes.

That night in bed Hugo shared, “He’s nothing like I thought he’d be. He just didn’t know what to do after his dad basically changed before his very eyes. He had to readjust his entire perspective to fit this new reality even if it doesn’t change who Mike is.”

“I bet. It makes me truly appreciate how Erin and my mom dealt with my news about being bisexual,” Kevin shared. “I knew they were great about it, but I mean, they were
phenomenal
.”

Hugo grinned. “Yes, they were. Mike said he and his dad are slowly working things out. It helps that his mom is going to get alimony.”

“Good.”

“Oh, before I forget,” Hugo said through a huge yawn. “Gilbert asked me to do a show with him tomorrow night. I know it’s short notice, but I really want to. You didn’t make any plans, did you?”

“Nope. Not without checking in with you. But let’s finally do the game night next weekend, okay?” Kevin yawned too, which just set off another in Hugo. “Sleep.”

“Yeah.”

I
T
TOOK
some finagling, but somehow they managed to keep the kids out of the way while Hugo went downstairs into the smallest guest bedroom to get ready as Cherrie. Ever since Hugo’s stuff had been moved to the Edina house, he’d been slowly but surely organizing this room into his drag closet. Kevin insisted on hiring a closet designer so Hugo would have all the types of storage he needed to protect and store his expensive collection. Hugo had been moved to tears by the gesture. The room had more space than he’d had at his apartment, and Kevin was glad he had a large enough house that they could devote an entire room to Hugo’s drag. Kevin also had a lock installed on the door so the kids wouldn’t sneak into the room, letting them know it was Hugo’s storage room for costumes and props for his plays, which were not toys. Hugo’s personal props and costumes he often used on set were in there too, so it was essentially true.