Fix You (28 page)

Hanna nodded. “It’s been a long day.” She smiled wanly, her
hand reaching out to stroke his handsome face. “You should get some sleep, too.”

“I need to finish up some work before I go to bed.” He knew
he wouldn’t be able to sleep, regardless of the fatigue weighing him down. The
knowledge she was only a room away was certain to keep him awake.

Richard leaned forward, brushing his lips across her soft
cheek. “Sweet dreams, Hanna.” Digging his fingernails into his palms to stop
himself from carrying her to his bed, he turned around and walked to the
office, aware of her eyes burning a hole in his back.

He hated taking this slowly.

HANNA SLEPT FITFULLY; the covers
weighing down on her body making her feel sensitive and overheated. She almost
woke herself up, thrashing in the bed, perspiration beading on her chest as a
rivulet ran down into her cleavage.

In her dream she could see Matty and Richard. She was
standing on dry, arid ground, her feet glued to the earth as her boys ran away
from her, until they were just tiny figures in the distance. She screamed at
them to wait, but they didn’t hear her. She tried to run, feeling the earth
crumbling beneath her bare feet, making no progress. Perpetually moving yet
staying in the same place.

“No…” She started to cry, wanting to catch up with them,
watching through a curtain of tears as they walked farther into the red
horizon. Her legs gave way, her body crumpling into the hot, dusty ground, and
she hammered her fists against it, tears dropping onto the parched earth.

“Hanna.” She heard Richard’s voice, and in her dream she saw
him turn, his movements halting when he noticed her crumpled form. “Hanna, can
you hear me?”

“Come back.” She was vaguely aware of her dream-like state
being invaded by reality, the image of Richard and Matty fading into the fog of
her consciousness.

“It’s just a bad dream, baby. Wake up.” She could feel
Richard’s cool palm stroking her face and she blinked, trying to open her heavy
eyelids.

“Am I awake now?” She couldn’t tell reality from
imagination, but she reached out to touch his hand, stilling it as he tried to
calm her.

“Yes you are,” he replied. There was amusement in his voice.
“Would you like some water?”

She sat up, her eyes adjusting to the half-light. Her heart
was hammering against her chest. “Yes, please.” She glanced at the alarm clock;
the hazy red glow of numbers telling her it was one in the morning.

“Here, take a sip.” His voice was low as he lifted the glass
to her lips, his eyes dark as she swallowed the cool liquid. Hanna let the
water moisten her mouth, feeling it cool her as it slipped down her throat.

“I’m sorry I woke you.”

“I haven’t been to sleep yet,” Richard admitted. “I was
trying to finish up some work.

A glance at his attire told her he was speaking the truth.
His cotton shirt was unbuttoned at the collar, rolled up to reveal strong
forearms peppered with hair. His shirt had come untucked from his pants, hanging
loosely to his hips, wrinkled from a long evening of work.

“I just went to check on Matty when I heard you call my
name. I thought you must be having a good dream.” There was a smile in his
voice. “Imagine my surprise when your dream turned out to be a nightmare.”

Hanna closed her eyes, trying to erase the image of her boys
so far away in the distance. “You kept running away from me.” She swallowed,
still tasting the arid dirt in her mouth. Richard, sensing her need, lifted the
glass to her lips once again.

“I’ll never run away from you.” His voice was heavy with
emotion. “That should have been enough to tell you it was a dream.”

Tears stung at Hanna’s eyes, pooling on the rims, making her
vision blur. Richard reached out to stroke her hair, his fingers gentle as he
caressed her neck, moving his fingers down to her bare shoulders.

“You’re driving me crazy,” he confessed, tracing tiny
circles on her skin. “Every part of you.”

Her breath hitched. Memories from earlier in the evening
played on her mind; vivid reminders of how close they had come to consummating
their burgeoning relationship. As he sat on the bed, his strong body dwarfing
hers, she found herself wanting to submit to his possession.

He drew a line up her spine with his hand, resting on her neck
for a moment before he dragged it around, spreading his fingers across her
throat.

“Just here,” he whispered, “I can feel your pulse jumping
beneath your skin, and the way your breath catches in your throat.

Hanna said nothing, watching his green eyes heat up, his
tongue snaking out to moisten his lips.

He moved his hand to her chest, to the dip between her
breasts, his fingers strong against her damp skin. “And here, I can feel how
fast your heart is beating.” He splayed his fingers out, moving his palm until
it brushed across her nipple, his rough skin causing her sensitive peak to
harden. She gasped as a pleasurable sensation shot straight between her legs.

He rolled her nipple between his thumb and forefinger, the
pleasure becoming a steady pulse between her thighs. She looked at him beneath
half-closed lids, his face dark as it revealed an expression of raw emotion.

“Please kiss me.” She arched her body against him, her lips
trembling as he leaned down to capture them. His soft breath fanned against her
face, warming and exciting her. He took his time, his kiss slow and soft,
making her want so much more. He dragged his lips from hers, snaking a trail
down her neck.

“Richard…” She closed her eyes and felt the sensation of his
lips sucking at her skin. It made her nipples pebble, the heat between her
thighs becoming damp and needy.

He tugged at her camisole, pulling it from her body, and
pushing her shorts down until she was a naked, quivering mess.

“You’re so beautiful.” His stare was heated, and she felt
her body reflect the warmth of it. “Every single inch of you is perfect.” He
reached out to touch her neck with the pad of his finger, drawing a line from
it to her breasts, teasing her nipple before trailing down to her stomach. She
felt herself flinch with embarrassment as he traced the faded silver lines of
her stretch marks

“They’re really ugly.” Hanna reached out to take his hand,
trying to move it from her stomach.

“They’re not ugly, they’re amazing.” Richard shook his head,
leaning down to kiss them with an open mouth. “They’re a reminder of what we
made, of what you carried. They’re you.” He followed them with his lips,
leading to the base of her hips, his breath hot as he stared at her body. His
hands were soft yet firm on her thighs as he gently urged them apart. She could
feel him blow against her fevered center, his lips worshipping her body, as his
words did her soul. He pushed his tongue inside, steadying her flailing thighs
with his strong hands. She moaned loudly, bucking against him, hands curling
into his coarse hair as he dragged her to a peak.

Hanna closed her eyes, surrendering herself to the
sensation, her body tensing beneath his touch. She could hear herself gasping
as he increased the pressure, pushing her to the edge, her hands gripping the
sheets as he tipped her over, her insides clenching with pleasure as she moaned
his name over and again. She arched her back, her orgasm suffusing her body
until she was only half conscious of reality.

She was vaguely aware of him shedding his clothes as she
came back down from her high. He drew himself up, his body heavy on hers. His
hardness dug into her hip, its heavy weight as reassuring as its rigidity. She
reached down and curled her hands around him, running her thumb around the tip,
spreading the moisture beading there.

“Do I need a condom?” His voice was urgent, and she felt him
pump against her hand. She squeezed tighter, drawing a moan from his lips.

“I’m covered.”

And she was, every inch of her was dominated by his body
above her. She closed her eyes, trying not to cry out as she felt him line up
against her, his tip stretching her as he tried to still his hips. He was
everything she remembered, everything she wanted and hoped he would be. She was
drowning beneath his touch.

“Open your eyes.” His voice was rough in her ear. Her lids
fluttered open, tears spilling out as she returned his heated gaze, her heart
stuttering as she saw the intense emotion behind his stare. His lips were dry
above his tense jaw, and she reached out a finger and ran the tip across his
mouth.

“Please, Richard…” She pushed against his hips. He reached
down to still her movement, his heated gaze locked on her. Her heart pounded
against her rib cage.

“Give me a moment.”

She stopped moving and gazed back at him. They breathed
heavily in unison, and she waited for him to move, and strip away the last
fragment of sanity remaining in her grasp.

“Now.” He flexed his hips, sliding inside until she was so
full it made her sigh. The sensation was overwhelming, and she could feel hot
tears slide down her cheeks, her emotions too raw to contain.

“I love you…” Her words were breath. They danced through the
air like an invisible thread, drawing them together.

“Love you…” A gasp, a promise. He said it again, just to
hear the words.

His lips crashed against hers, their tongues tangling as her
salty tears mixed with their kiss. She reached up, her hand cupping his jaw,
her eyes gleaming with every emotion he wrung from her body.

“Love…”

WHEN HANNA FINALLY woke up the next
morning, Richard was already dressed and Matty was in bed with her, his chubby
arms wrapped around her neck.

“He’s been awake for a while,” Richard admitted, the dark
circles beneath his eyes a testament to his broken sleep. “I brought him in to
bed with us just before six.”

“He’s such a monkey.” She buried her head in Matty’s soft
curls, inhaling the powdery aroma of his baby shampoo. “Are you leaving
already?”

“I’ve an eight o’clock meeting.” Richard was knotting his
tie. She wanted to reach out and drag him back into bed with it. After last
night’s revelations she felt exhausted, like she could sleep for a thousand
years. If she was going to hibernate, she wanted him there as well.

“I meant to ask you something last night.” Matty sat up and
crawled across the bed, launching himself at Richard’s suit-clad legs. Richard
caught him just in time, making him laugh as he swung him up in the air. “That
therapist you spoke to yesterday, does he give discounts for referrals?”

Richard caught her eye, his expression soft as he smiled at
her. “I’m an expert negotiator.”

“I want us to make a fresh start. Maybe we can talk things
through with him as a couple?”

She knew their history couldn’t be erased in a few moments
of bliss. Richard’s frantic arrival yesterday told her they had issues they
needed to resolve. For the first time, she felt confident they could work
through them together.

“I’ll call him today,” he promised, leaning down to capture
her lips with his own. He dropped Matty onto the mattress next to her. He
bounced on the springs, liking it so much that he scrambled to his feet and
jumped up again.

“Meet me for lunch,” Richard suggested, shrugging his jacket
on. She stared at him, trying not to lick her lips as she took in his gorgeous
body, perfectly attired in a Gucci suit.

“You really want to let this one loose in your office?”
Matty was still bouncing, and Hanna pulled him toward her, grabbing him around
the waist as she tickled his belly.

“I’ll get Lisa to order some toys in. I can’t go a whole day
without seeing you.” His brows knitted into a frown. “Maybe we need to talk to
the shrink about co-dependency as well.”

Hanna laughed. “We may as well get our money’s worth. We’ll
be able to throw in parental abandonment, too.”

Richard leaned across the bed and kissed her again. “Are you
sure you’re okay after yesterday?”

“I feel surprisingly fine. It wasn’t as if we didn’t expect
your mom to go ape-shit. As for my dad, we’ll just have to see where things go.”
She let Matty curl his arms around her neck, his face buried in her shoulder. “The
two most important people in my world are in this room. I don’t care about
anything else.

“I’m going to miss you this morning.” He ruffled Matty’s
hair, causing him to squeal in protest, “both of you.”

“If you don’t leave soon you’re going to miss your meeting.”
Pulling the bedcovers around her, she leaned forward to push him away from the
bed. Richard caught her wrists in his hands, pulling her toward him until her
face was buried in his chest. Matty was sandwiched between them, wriggling with
amusement.

“I’d prefer to stay here,” he murmured, burying his head in
her hair.

“Go!” She laughed.

He released her, pressing a final kiss on each of them. “I’ll
see you at twelve,” he reminded her as he left. She picked up a rolled up pair
of socks and threw it after him, missing by a mile.

Pulling Matty into a hug, she watched Richard’s retreating
back, a warm fire of contentment burning in her body. She couldn’t stop the
smile from creeping across her face as she realized that finally, after so much
time, they’d both got exactly what they wanted.

Each other.

Twenty Seven

December 31
^st
2012

T
he caterers had arrived at the crack of dawn
to prepare the house for the annual New Year’s Eve gathering. Hanna watched
them in the kitchen creating tray after tray of canapés and desserts. Her heart
clenched as she remembered the way her mum would direct proceedings, her radio
in one hand and a cell phone in the other, shouting down both mouthpieces at
the same time.

“Are you okay?” Claire reached out a hand and stroked her
cheek. “I’m so happy you agreed to come.”

“We wouldn’t be anywhere else.”

The three of them had flown into London on Christmas Eve,
planning to spend the festivities with Steven and Claire. The entire family had
delighted in sharing their first Christmas with Matty. Hanna fell in love with
the family all over again, their adoration for her son evident in everything
they did.

“It must bring back memories, though. Sometimes I find it so
hard to believe your mother isn’t with us anymore.”

Tears formed in the corners of Hanna’s eyes. She reached up
to wipe them away, determined not to spoil the day with sad memories. She was
ready to make good ones—for Matty and the rest of the family—though it was hard
to forget the past.

“I’m so sad she never got to meet Matty. She would have
loved to watch him run around the house like it’s a giant playground.” Hanna
closed her eyes for a moment. She could almost picture Diana’s delighted smile.

“You know, if she could see you now, she’d be as proud of
you as I am.” Claire pulled her into an embrace, and Hanna wrapped her arms
around her, closing her eyes as she allowed herself to be loved.

“Do you really think so? I’m pretty sure if she was here
now, she’d be hitting me around the head with a wooden spoon.”

Claire didn’t reply, and after a moment Hanna pulled back to
look at her. Claire’s face had frozen, and Hanna was fearful enough to reach
out and give her arm a little shake.

“Oh my goodness, I forgot about the recordings.” Claire put
a hand against her chest, looking crestfallen. “All those messages she left for
you. They’re in a box in the study.”

“Recordings?” Hanna asked, confused. “What recordings?”

“Don’t you remember our project, the one in the nursing
home? Diana recorded messages for you. I was supposed to give them to you at
specific times; your wedding, your first child. I can’t believe I forgot. I
should have given you the first one when I learned about Matty.”

“Can I listen to it now?” Hanna could feel the excitement
course through her body. In the years since Diana’s death, memories of mother
had become thinner, like a piece of elastic pulled too tight. Sometimes she
couldn’t remember exactly how she sounded. And now, to know there was a
recording—and those words were meant for her—was almost too much to bear.

“Of course you can.” Claire grabbed her hand and pulled her
out of the kitchen, and they made their way down to the basement. In the
corner, behind a large oak door, was Steven’s office.

“What did you use to record her?” Hanna was all too aware of
the deterioration qualities of certain media.

“I used a Dictaphone, and had them put onto a CD. Diana was
very specific.”

Inside the office, Claire pulled a CD from the shelf. The
blank, plastic cover reflected the light streaming through the window. She
passed it to Hanna who held it for a moment, turning the plastic sleeve over in
her hands. Her mind went back to those dark days of 2005, when Diana’s death
had caused her to lose so much more than just a mother.

“I don’t know if you want to listen to them all, or just the
one about your first child. After all you’ve been through, I don’t think Diana
would be angry if you wanted more.”

“I think I want to hear them all, if I can.” She hugged the
CD to her chest. “Will I have time, before the boys are back?”

Steven and Richard had taken Matty to the park, hoping to
wear him out enough for him to sleep through the party. Hanna suspected it
might be Steven and Richard who turned out to be exhausted when they got back.

“We didn’t get to record too much. She was very weak; she
couldn’t talk for too long.” Claire bit her lip, looking down at the floor. “If
they get back before you finish, I’ll stall them.”

“Will you stay for the first one?” Hanna wasn’t sure if she
could listen alone. She already felt jittery, like the merest touch could send
her on a crying jag.

“I’ll stay as long as you want, sweetheart.”

Hanna pulled the CD player toward them, lifting the lid to
place the first shiny disc inside. She started to press play, but Claire shook
her head, reaching out to press the forward button. “Why don’t you listen to
the one about your first child? It seems the appropriate place to start.”

“Okay.” Hanna nodded, sitting down on Steven’s expensive
black chair. There was a small crackle from the speakers before a slight hum
started, signaling the recording was working.

“Hanna…” Diana’s voice was thin, like a leaf on the wind.
Hearing it transported her back to a time when she was a daughter, not a
mother. “I’m not sure how this works anymore. I’ve recorded a message for your
wedding, but so many people have children before they get married. Either way,
I want to tell you how proud I am of you.” There was a pause, followed by soft
murmuring. She could imagine Claire helping Diana to drink some water. “Congratulations,
my beautiful girl, on having a child of your own. I know you’ll make a great
mother, like you were the best daughter. I’m only sorry I can’t be there to
hold my grandchild in my arms, and to reassure you whenever you start second
guessing yourself.” There was another pause, and this time Hanna could feel the
tears start to pour down her face. She didn’t bother to wipe them away; there
were too many, and she needed to let them out. “If I had to give you one piece
of advice as one mother to another, it would be to savor everything. Being a
mother isn’t easy, but every moment is a gift, and it’s been my privilege to
watch you grow up into the amazing girl you are today. Make sure you take the
time to enjoy being a mother. Play, sing, and dance with your child. Don’t let
time steal these precious moments away from you.” Hanna was openly sobbing, her
body wrapped in Claire’s arms. “I love you so much, Hanna; you and my
grandchild. I’ll always be here, in your memories and your heart.”

The white noise of the recording faded away to nothing, and
Hanna reached out her hand, wanting to stop the CD before it progressed to the
next section. She was going to listen to them all—she needed to—but first she
had to take some time to assimilate the miracle of hearing her dead mother’s
voice.

“Thank you,” she whispered into Claire’s shoulders as the
older woman held her tightly. “I’m so grateful you gave this to me.”

Claire said nothing, reaching out a hand to wipe the tears
from Hanna’s cheeks. Her light blue eyes were soft and kind, and Hanna could
see the love spilling out of them. She was so lucky to have had a loving
mother, and now a caring surrogate. She was determined to look after Matty the
way they’d both taken care of her.

RICHARD RETURNED LATER that afternoon,
carrying a tired Matty in his arms. Steven trailed behind them, his whole
demeanor wracked with exhaustion. Hanna had cleaned up her face, having
listened to the recordings twice before putting the CD back in its box. She
planned to take them back home when they flew back to New York.

Laying Matty down on the sofa, Richard pulled his tiny shoes
from his feet and unzipped his bulky jacket. Hanna reached out to cup her son’s
cheeks, cold and rosy from the London wind. Matty giggled at her touch, as he
tried to fight against the fatigue claiming his body.

“Did Daddy wear you out?” she asked. Richard laughed, as he
pulled her into an embrace.

“Matty wore
us
out, that’s for sure,” he said,
running his lips across her neck. She reacted automatically, her body firing up
in response to his touch. “But I’m hoping he’ll sleep well tonight.”

She didn’t fail to catch the unspoken hint behind his words.
It made her smile.

They fed him early, bathing him and putting him in a clean
set of pajamas. Steven and Claire had created a nursery on the second floor,
and it was filled with toys they had given Matty for Christmas. The three of
them sat on the soft carpet, building towers with large plastic bricks. Hanna
and Richard raced to see who could build the tallest, and when they fell down
Matty clapped with pleasure. By seven, he was all but keeling over, his eyelids
heavy with the sleep he was trying to fight.

Hanna read
The Grinch
, making Matty laugh with her
silly voices and funny expressions. When she reached the final lines, Richard
joined in, his timbre deep and playful. She wanted to run into his arms and
kiss the hell out of him.

“He’s almost asleep,” she whispered. Matty was curled up
into his usual ball, his thumb firmly latched between his lips. “He looks so
peaceful when he’s dozing.”

“He’s perfect,” Richard agreed. “We should definitely make
some more of those.”

Her heart beat faster. They’d talked about their future at
couples’ therapy, and discussed trying for more children at some point. Knowing
she was already thirty, and Richard thirty-three, made her feel a little more
concerned. If they wanted a big family—and they both agreed they did—eventually
they’d need to make some decisions.

“We definitely should.”

He pulled her back against him, until her spine was molded
into his chest. Curling his arms around her waist he dipped his head until his
lips brushed against her neck, sucking gently against her skin.

“How about we practice tonight?”

“Mmmm,” Hanna agreed, her eyes squeezed tightly shut as he
continued to caress her. “We’ve been practicing a lot, haven’t we?”

“You think we’re ready for the match?” She could feel him
smile against her neck.

“I’m ready.”

“I want to make you a permanent signing to my team first.”
Richard loosened his hold on her waist, spinning her around to face him. He
reached out and cupped her jaw, his fingers caressing the skin behind her ear. “After
that we can talk about adding to the offense.”

Hanna laughed. “You’re confusing me with all these analogies
here. Are we talking about our family or a football team?”

Richard inclined his head toward hers, capturing her lips
between his own. Wrapping his hand around the back of her neck, he pulled her
closer, his tongue snaking a hot trail of fire across her mouth.

“I’m not talking about football, Hanna,” he murmured, moving
a hand down to cup her behind, his fingers digging into her skin. “I’m talking
about us.”

“Us?” She ran her lips along the firm line of his jaw,
capturing his earlobe between her teeth, sucking it enough to make him moan.

“I want you to marry me.” He could hardly get the words out
between his sighs. “I want you to be Mrs. Richard Larsen, and for Matty to have
a whole team of brothers and sisters.”

It was Hanna’s turn to smile, and she pulled back to catch
his eye. “You forgot the getting on one knee bit. Not to mention the ring.”

“I have a ring.” Richard’s protest was fast. “I was saving
it for the right moment.”

She glanced around Matty’s nursery, noticing he was fast
asleep. He was oblivious to the changes taking place between his parents. “Is
this the right moment?”

Richard laughed. “I was going to ask you beside the
Christmas tree in the hall, at the stroke of midnight. But somehow this seems
to be the perfect time and place; just us and our boy.”

“It does,” she agreed. A flash of lightning exploded inside
her body. To know he wanted her—not only as the mother of his child, but as his
wife—made her want to fling open the windows and shout it out for everybody to
hear. In their years of separation she had never thought it could be as good as
this. Everything she’d dreamed of was finally within her grasp. It was almost
too much to take in.

“So will you?” His voice was more urgent now, causing her to
look at him in confusion.

“What?”

He was getting agitated, and she reached out a hand to calm
him. Before she could touch his face, he dropped onto one knee, grasping her
left hand between his fingers.

“Hanna Vincent, you are the love of my life. You’ve given me
the most beautiful child who is the center of my universe. I’d be the luckiest
guy in the world if you’d give me yourself.”

Hanna dropped to her knees, too, grasping his face between
her hands, kissing him over and again until they were both laughing. “Yes, yes,
of course I will. I thought you knew that already.”