First Stop, New York (19 page)

“Just grabbing a quick ciggy butt.” She was hiding a Marlboro Red behind herself.

“Well, don’t do it near me. My dermatologist told me secondhand smoke dulls my skin. Go farther up the hill until your cue.”

Anushka shrugged and trudged up the hill as she was told. “Cor, why don’t you hang around until we’re done with this scene. We can do a little talky-talk over lunch.”

“Okay, I guess. But you shouldn’t be smoking a cigarette around all this dry brush.”

“Don’t sweat it, Cor. I just put it out.”

As she said this, a small ball of fire puffed up on the ground near her.

“Uh-oh,” said Corliss.

Anushka simply took one giant step and stamped it out. But then another ball of fire puffed up inches away. Anushka stamped that one out, too. But then another ball erupted in another direction.

“Anushka,” sighed Max. “Why are you doing that strange
dance? This isn’t West Hollywood on a Saturday night.”

Anushka couldn’t move fast enough. She was stomping around in a circle of fire that was beginning to spread out across the hill.

“She’s not dancing, Max…”

“Oh, no,” Max said, now realizing exactly what was happening.

Suddenly flames and smoke were everywhere.

“Anushka, Max!” screamed Corliss. “Run!”

But they didn’t know which way. Every time they went in one direction, fire appeared in front of them. Every time Corliss pulled them in another direction, they came face-to-face with more flames.

Max tried to scout safe ground, but the entire canyon was becoming engulfed in great rising towers of fire. Electricians and cameramen tried their best to take cover. Tanya whizzed by, yelling her brains out, pulling Anushka with her.

It was pandemonium. But Max and Corliss kept moving, eventually finding a break in the firewall. “Come on, Max, this way!”

Helicopters suddenly appeared in the sky above them, their deafening blades whipping up sand and adding to the chaos. Max’s sunglasses were sucked from his face. “Those were Gucci!” he yelped, covering his eyes. “Wait a second, Corliss…” he said as they ran for safety.

“What is it, Max?”

“Having my glasses sucked from my face was dramatic, wasn’t it?”

“Just keep running, Max!”

“But—but what if I started shooting?”

“Huh?” Corliss panted.

“Shooting
this
!”

“Are you serious?!” She thought Max had lost his mind.

“I could get all this into the show!”

“But—but—” Then Corliss began to do the math. The helicopters…the production crew running for their lives…Tanya screaming her bikini off.

“Do you think it’s a good idea, Corliss? The viewers will just think they’re seeing brilliant special effects.”

A gong went off in Corliss’s head. The same one that always went off when she had one of her premonitions. The one that said
yes, yes, yes.
“Max, yes! I think it’s brilliant!”

Just then, the camerawoman ran by with the small high-definition camera she used to get shots on the fly. She passed it to Max like a football and he sprinted with it, grabbing shots of the awesome fire and the smoke and the actors running away from it as it coursed toward them down the hill.

“Go, Max!”

He kept getting shots. Of palm trees swaying from the winds the fire produced. Of houses high in Malibu Canyon melting to pieces. Of telephone polls falling, power lines twisting, and cars careening around the Pacific Coast Highway as people rubbernecked to see the flames above.

Max got it all.

Even Tanya, who once again flew by screaming her head off.

“Tanya!” Max called as he followed her with the camera. “I’m going to feed you some lines!”

“Max, I’m flipping out!”

“Say, ‘My God, Alecia! Where’s Alecia?’”

“My God, Alecia! Where’s Alecia?”

“Now say, ‘This is all my fault! And now we’re all going to die!’”

“THIS IS ALL MY FAULT AND NOW WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!”

And it seemed like Tanya meant every word of it. She ran down the canyon with her hands in the air, making a sound that Max had never heard come out of one tiny human being’s mouth. Trent tried to follow after her, but she was on a tear.

“Tanya, I’m sorry we ever, like, fought!”

Max got that, too.

“
The Awesomeness of
The ’Bu!” he shouted to Corliss as he ran and ran.

“I know, Max! I know!”

Somewhere in the Charred Canyon of Malibu—11:23
P.M.

: The
’Bu-Hoo

’Bu
kiddies!

Hot off the presses! Or should I say hot off Malibu Canyon…?

Looks like M2 fired the wrong girl! And now he’s being punished for it with a second hospital stay in one week—this time for smoke inhalation!

Yes
’Bu
-sters…Champagne Breath has done it again. Six hundred acres of prime real estate reduced to a gigantic ashtray. Guess the Red Bull can she normally uses as an ashtray couldn’t be found—so she used a tumbleweed.

Not. Very. Smart.

CUE AUDIO: Nelly’s “Hot in Herre”

More as it develops! I got to run—the Los Angeles Fire Commission wants to talk to
everyone
—
and you KNOW I’ve got the hottest dirt…

So stay tuned,
’Bu
babies. The footage is in the can and the can is in Michael Rothstein’s pudgy little hands.

The future of
The ’Bu
is being decided as we speak.

’Bu
-bye,

MBK

The Garden at the Chateau Marmont—4:42
P.M.
, a Few Days Later

Corliss had ordered a martini, per Uncle Ross’s wishes, but she wasn’t in the mood to try it.

“Corliss, my darling,” he said, “Hendrick’s is very good gin and it’s such a
tragedy
to see it sitting there getting all warm in the afternoon sun.”

“Sorry, Uncle Ross. I
know
I should try drinking underage—I’m such a bad niece. But the truth is, I’m bummed my butt got canned.”

“Corliss, such coarseness doesn’t become you.”

“Well, it’s what happened! And I know I hated that job—babysitting Legend—that lisping bad seed—running covert seduction schemes, wiping Anushka Peters’s waxed butt—”

“Again with the coarseness,” he said, shaking his head. “And you really could have spared me that last image.”

“Look, Uncle Ross, I guess I was just starting to realize that, even with all that awful stuff, some days made everything totally worth it.”

Uncle Ross leaned in. “How exactly?”

Corliss hadn’t really thought about it. “I guess I felt that thing you feel when you’re a part of something bigger than yourself. All these creative people! All the excitement! And it all came together like magic. I mean, who was I kidding? Nothing like that ever could have happened in my old boring life before I had highlights and contact lenses and a sense of style.”

“You are looking very fetching lately, I must say…” He looked away for the umpteenth time since they’d sat down.

“But what good does it do me if I’m just going to be sad and lonely with nothing to do? Sitting in a garden with a martini I don’t feel like drinking with my uncle, who’s making goo-goo eyes at the waiter instead of listening to me.”

“But he’s sooo
charmant
, Corliss.”

“And besides, I kept thinking Max would call me and apologize, at least—especially after all the encouragement I gave him the other day. But nothing, zip, zero, zilch. God, I’m sorry to be so whiny.”

“On the contrary. Your life is so disastrous it makes me feel positively peachy about mine.”

“I’m sorry, I haven’t even asked you how you’re doing.”

“I’m in a very good place lately, thank you. Jurgen has quit the dog-walking business and he’s returning to his law office where he handles plastic surgery malpractice cases.”

“Guess that’s a big field out here.”

“Corliss, you have no idea. He’s already in the midst of representing Courtney Love, who recently had her nose reattached an inch too far to the left.”

“Gotta hurt.”

“The truth is, he doesn’t miss the pooches in the least.
He loves his malpractice work—wait—I just had a thought. Maybe I can get you an internship there? It might not be television, but it’s
very
Hollywood.”

“Huh. Okay. Well, I guess it beats sitting around your pool every day…”

“So, shall we stay and order an early dinner? The bar menu has a divine grilled codpiece.”

“Don’t you mean
cod
, Uncle Ross?”

But he was too busy winking at the bartender to respond.

“I would love to stay and have dinner with you,” she said, looking at her watch, “but I’m having dinner with Anushka. She says she feels sorry about how everything turned out and she wants to treat me to a special meal.”

“And Anushka is the one whose waxed butt you wiped?”

“It was a metaphor, Uncle Ross!”

“Don’t worry, Corliss,” he whispered across the table. “Your secrets are safe with me.”

Matsuhisa Restaurant, Beverly Hills—7:21
P.M.

Anushka and Corliss sat staring in awe at their dinner. Towers of the most gorgeous sushi sat glistening in front of them.

“What do you think?” asked an impish Japanese man standing above them in a white chef’s coat.

“Nobu Matsuhisa himself, ladies and gentlemen,” called Anushka to everyone in the place. “The most famous sushi chef in the world!”

Diners applauded politely, then whispered and pointed
to Anushka and Nobu both. Nobu bowed humbly and asked of the girls, “Which dish looks best, please?”

“I like the Anushka Maki, of course!” said the girl for whom the roll had been named.

“Aha,” he said. “Caviar, a touch of crab, and whitefish. Very good!”

“I can’t believe they named a roll for you,” said Corliss, who was—even after all they’d been through together—still struck by Anushka’s fame.

Nobu went on. “I make with caviar because of your elegance. I make with touch of crab because you don’t want to cross her!”

Nobu and Anushka laughed hard at this.

“And whitefish because your family from Russia. Enjoy!” He took Anushka’s hand, kissed it, and moved away.

“Wow,” said Corliss. “If I had a maki roll named after me, it would be flounder and fish sticks.” But as she approached the Anushka roll, her eyes glowing in anticipation, she suddenly stopped. “Wait, did Nobu say you have a
Russian
background?”

Anushka made a face. “It’s not in the official bio, but yeah. Anushka
Peters
is really Anushka
Petrovsky
.”

“That’s so awesome.”

“Yup. The veddy glamorous star you are dining with grew up on Fairfax over her parents’ deli. For ten whole years I smelled like pastrami and lox.”

Corliss couldn’t believe it. “And look at you now.”

“Don’t mind if you do,” said Anushka, chomping on the Anushka roll and smiling as it ran through her teeth.

“That is
so
not pretty,” said Corliss. “You know, I bet
Rocco would be fascinated to hear about your family. He reads all those Russian novels. Not that I’ll ever see Rocco again…”

“Who cares? He’s so in love with his Rocco-ness. He’s all, ‘I’m so buff and serious and you’re all children.’ After I started the fire the other day he just looked at me like I was some imbecile. Which I guess I was.” She put her sushi down and lost her smile. “I really think I’ve done it this time, Cor. Insurance is gonna pay for it, of course, but that stupid blog made it sound like I
meant
to do it! Which of course I didn’t. I just wasn’t thinking…as usual. I could really get into trouble if the network wants to make a big deal about it.”

“Don’t worry, Anushka. I know you didn’t mean it. And you’re the undisputed star of
The ’Bu
! Everyone knows that. They’ll figure something out.”

Anushka stuffed more of the Anushka roll in her mouth and crossed her eyes. “I hate being serious!” She stuck a finger in her mouth and pretended to gag.

JB ran up to the table.

“Speaking of the gag reflex, look who’s here.”

“Survivors of the great Malibu Canyon fire, unite!”

Corliss lit up. “JB!”

“Jeebs, pull up a seat,” said Anushka, grabbing a chair from a table nearby.

“Hey, fire starter!”

“Watch it.”

“Yikes! So what are you chickies doin’ here?”

“Ordering a happy meal, what does it look like?” Anushka twisted one of JB’s nips.

“Careful, Anushk!” he said as he swatted her away. “That
means we’re engaged where I come from.”

“What are
you
doing here, JB?” asked Corliss.

“When I was in high school, I worked for Nobu chopping seaweed. For five whole years I smelled like fish food.”

Corliss sighed. “You’ve both smelled like so many interesting things.”

“He’s kidding, Cor. I invited him. We miss ya, okay? Everyone does.”

She was touched. And she was really happy to see them. They were part of the magic she’d told Uncle Ross about.

“You guys are the best.”

JB smiled his goofy grin. “Does that mean we can all make out later?”

“No!” they said in unison.

“Okay, everyone, quit yapping, start eatin’,” said Anushka.

Corliss started into the food. Everything was beyond delicious. She swooned and made noises that made Anushka and JB laugh.

Anushka raised an eyebrow. “Is that what you sound like when you’re with Trent?”

Corliss covered her mouth, embarrassed. “I told you that wasn’t true, Anushka! That was just another one of Max’s ridiculous missions for me that went really wrong.”

“Yeah,” said JB, “I think I’ve got to assume part of the blame on that one.”

“No, JB, you were only trying to help.”

Anushka smirked. “Help pimp you out!”

JB threw an
unagi
roll at Anushka’s head. Anushka pinched his nose with her chopsticks.

“Stop it, you two. We don’t get to see each other all the
time anymore and I don’t want a fish fight.”

They hung their heads.

“I really am sorry you got canned, Cor,” said Anushka. “You were the best thing that ever happened to M2. That’s what they call him in that blog. You read that thing, JB?”