First and Goal (Moving the Chains #1) (46 page)

So, you admit you were just trying to get into my lacy little panties then?

Now, it’s my turn to bury my face against the desk and laugh quietly, my whole body shaking. I finally regain my composure after several moments of euphoria. Touchdown in sight. I chance another peek at the object of my fantasies. She’s leaning against the desk on her elbows, an unreadable expression on her face. Uh oh.

I want way more than that, Evie.

Remember #13?

One more confession: the only pain meds I had on Saturday were 3 ibuprofen before you came over in the a.m.

I think I need to see that list again.

I reach into my back pocket for my wallet, open it up, and find the folded piece of her notebook paper tucked in the back. I hand it over to her as requested. She looks at me, probably questioning the significance of me carrying it around everywhere. She smooths out the paper and looks over it, taking in my corrections and additions.

Rob’s 12-Step Program for Dream Girl

1. Talk to her.
Call her my girl until she knows.

2. Pay her compliments.
✓

3. Make her feel special.
✓

4. Let her know she is important to you.
✓

5. Notice the small things.
✓

6. Comfort her if she needs it.
✓

7. Give her time & space
.
Prove to her we would make a great couple.
✓

8. Give her little gifts that mean a lot.
✓

9. Be a friend first.
✓

10. Kiss her like you mean it.

11. Respect her.
✓

12. Tell her.

13. Give her my jersey. And my heart.

She peruses the edited list, running her fingers along each checkmark and raising her eyebrow silently at the paper. Whether over my additions or the lack of marks beside each item, I’m not sure. When she takes the notebook back and jots down something else, I have my answer.

Why aren’t there checks by all except 13?

#1. Do you know?

Yes. I do now.

I take the list from her and put a checkmark by all of them except 13. She looks at me like I’m nuts, then writes in the notebook again.

Why weren’t 10 & 12 already checked off?

I’ve been kind of busy freaking out since Saturday night.

She grimaces and chews on her lip. Looking at the list again, I place the final check mark by number 13. She shoots me a questioning smirk before grabbing the notebook.

I don’t have your jersey.

No, but you already have my heart.

You always have.

The jersey is just a formality, really.

That’s mine. Please be careful.

It’s surprisingly fragile.

Dammit, now I really want to touch her. Stupid school. No way am I going to be able to wait until after practice. That’s over four hours from now. I settle for quickly running my finger along her arm before anyone else can notice. I feel the goosebumps that my touch raises on her skin as she flinches.

How many times and ways can I say it?

I’ll never hurt you, Evie.

x∞

Out of the corner of my eye, I watch as she purses her lips and wipes at her eye quickly.

Shit, now I really am making her cry.

Don’t be too hard on me if I mess up.

Old habits die hard and all that.

Me too.

Forgive me for what I’ve messed up already?

Yeah. Me too?

What did you mess up?

Believing all the rumors and lies sticks out in my mind.

I have to stifle another laugh. Yeah, that did kind of make things more difficult. That and me being an absolute fucking coward. I can’t even believe she’s giving me a chance after all I’ve done.

Would you have ever told me?

Without Jeremy’s interference and me believing it was someone else?

I’d like to say yes, but honestly, I probably would have banked on you just figuring it out. You know the guys all call me chickenshit, right?

Yeah, that’s why.

She bites her lip hard and turns toward the window. For a split second, I’m terrified that I’ve done something wrong again, until I notice her shoulders shaking. She’s trying not to laugh out loud. If we keep this up, we’re gonna wind up in detention. But there’s absolutely no way I can stop. I’d follow this girl anywhere. No questions asked.

Need to clarify some more things:

I was the only one upset at the game, wasn’t I?

You were talking to me when you said you were ok?

You actually meant what you said to Eddie when you called me your girl, didn’t you?

Is this why your mom was so weird when I came over?

Is that why you seemed so happy about getting assigned to tutor me in calc?

Did you switch our notebooks that first day on purpose?

Short answer to all is yes.

Oh my God. I feel so stupid.

Not you. me.

Easy for you to say.

You knew what was going on the whole time.

No. Definitely not.

Did not know you hated my guts.

That was a big surprise.

Sorry. I didn’t mean it.

Protective adaptation.

I know. I get it.

Do you?

Yeah.

Do you blame me for last year?

Because I never said anything?

If I’d just pulled my head out of my ass and asked you out back then, you might have never ended up with Eddie and none of those rumors would’ve gotten started.

I’m so sorry.

The notes have been flying back and forth between us, but now she stops and takes her time to think about her answer. She seems conflicted, like she doesn’t know what to write. I know I promised myself I’d never think of Hinton with her in my arms, but I also think that Evie’s onto something. We need to clear the air and clarify a few things before they become problems later. The longer she takes to think this answer over though, the more nervous I get. I already blame myself so I won’t be surprised if she blames me too. I just don’t know what that might mean for us.

I hate to admit this, but I don’t want any more secrets between us.

I did, at first.

You don’t now?

Why should I? It was my poor decision.

Just like you don’t blame me for Your drastic personality change last year.

That was completely different. That was entirely my fault and not at all hers. She had no idea how I felt about her. It’s not like she was trying to make me jealous or cheat on me. She was trying to get that other guy to notice her. I wonder if he was pissed off when she started dating Hinton too? It must suck for her to feel like she went to all that effort and all she got in return was being raped. If the guy she wanted so much felt anything for her at all, he wouldn’t have let Eddie’s rumors go unanswered. I want to know who he was, but at the same time I don’t. As much as I hate to admit it, I need to know if she’s still into him. I stare at the page in front of me for a while, trying to figure out what to write that won’t seem overly jealous or confrontational.

Evie, I’m sorry, but I have to know.

The guy you were waiting on?

The one you’ve been trying to forget?

Have you forgotten him or do you still want him?

You can tell me the truth. I’ll understand.

God knows I’ve been stuck on you all this time.

I can’t bring myself to ask her if I’m just another stand-in for the guy she really wants. I don’t want to know. She gazes at the paper, clearly lost in thought. When the bell rings to end class, she’s still staring at the page. She doesn’t seem to register anything around her which doesn’t make me feel real great about her answer. If she ever gives me one. I don’t bother trying to collect my notebook. I stand up and snap my text shut. She finally looks up at me with wide eyes. I guess she’s made her decision.

“No,” she simply says, standing up and looking me in the eyes.

Fear grips my throat. No, what? No, she can’t forget him? I’m not good enough? No, she doesn’t still want him? She must read the emotions that I’m barely holding in on my face because she stands on her tiptoes to press a quick kiss to my jaw.

“I’ve never been able to forget you.” She lowers herself back to her flat feet as I gape at her. She laughs, a deep low chuckle in her throat. “You’ve made that absolutely impossible.”

She pats my chest, then walks away to meet up with Jess and head to her next class. I follow her with my eyes until she’s out the door. Now I know exactly what that blank look she was giving me this morning meant.

Does not compute.

By the time the dismissal bell rings, the shock of Evie’s revelation hasn’t worn off. My head’s absolutely spinning. I thought I felt angry and guilty about what happened between her and Hinton last year. Those feelings have been magnified by about a million.

I think back about the summers when I was a lifeguard. Someone could have very easily drowned on my watch as I admired Evie’s gorgeous body. She always seemed to be directly in my line of sight. I understand now that she did that on purpose. I just want to kick my own ass so hard. So many little hints and clues she gave me over the last three years. I’d been too afraid to pick up on any of them. I seriously hate myself. Especially because, in hindsight, she must’ve tried so hard. I always failed to respond. That pushed her straight into the arms of someone who hurt her so much more than just physically. It makes me sick. Alex was right all along. She was interested like he always claimed. I was just too damn shy and cowardly to believe him.

Alex is mysteriously missing from his locker this afternoon, so I have no idea if he noticed what was going on between Evie and me during class. There’s no way I’m going to be able to act all cool and casual. He’ll know something’s up. By the time he and Mike are done interrogating me, I’m sure word will spread through the locker room. I’m not in the mood to deal with all the jokes and ribbing that are coming my way.

I gaze down the hall. Evie’s packing up at her own locker, flanked by Kerri and Jess. It’s weird to look at her and simultaneously feel happy and nauseated. God, I suck. I’m torn between wanting to avoid her altogether in shame and walking up and kissing the fucking hell out of her. I figure I owe it to her to look her in the eyes and beg for mercy after all I’ve put her through. She says she doesn’t blame me. That’s fine. I fucking blame myself.

I pull her chocolate bar out of the top of my locker and slam the door closed with more force than necessary. I’m going to spend every free second and cent I have to make it up to her for as long as she’ll put up with me. Starting right now.

Jess notices me standing behind Evie. She winks at me. “I suppose I owe you thanks. I made a lot of money off of you today.”

Evie turns her head slightly with a raised eyebrow to look at her friend. She spots me out of the corner of her eye. A small smile tugs at her gorgeous lips, but she silently turns back to packing her things after shooting a quick glance in Kerri’s direction.

“You can’t put in for the pool,” I explain to Jess. “You’re in the class.”

Everyone knows that.

“I didn’t.” She smiles up at me, throwing her backpack over her shoulder. “Ashton did. His winnings are my winnings. But I also get a new pair of shoes, thanks to you. I guess I owe you twice.”

Ah, that must have been what she was referring to in bio. “How does Ashton feel about you even being in that class, by the way?”

I never could understand how people who were already in relationships would willingly sign up for AP bio. Banking on getting a partner to form a new platonic friendship with seems like a gamble. Although, if Evie and I had already been together coming into this year, we would’ve had to take the class to stay in the top ten. The idea of her staring into someone else’s eyes for four solid minutes makes me want to punch something.