Fireball (18 page)

‘When I die,' he said, ‘there's going to be some fucking fireworks.'

Karen giggled. She loved hearing him say shit like that.

Jules said, ‘What's that supposed to mean?'

Whenever Julian got too fried, his face turned white and he became totally paranoid. All night I'd been keeping an eye on him – sitting in his beanbag chair, smoking joint after joint, growing paler and paler. I knew he was getting close because every so often he ran his tongue over his lips, like a scared little lizard.

‘Fireworks, man. Fireworks for my dad to see. Fireworks so the whole world knows I don't give a shit whether I live or die.'

He was messing with us, obviously. At the same time, I could tell he sort of meant it.

Jules laughed. ‘Why don't you kill yourself, then?'

‘Maybe I will.'

Karen reached over and passed the joint to Jules. For a second, I saw a sliver of brown belly as her shirt pulled up above her waist. Then she flopped back to the floor and sprawled out in a starfish position.

She asked Chris, ‘Did you really slap Crazy Dan in the face?'

‘Sure. I slapped him a bunch of times.'

Jules inhaled, held it, and coughed on his exhale. I caught him looking from Karen to Chris and back to Karen. He knew she loved how tough he was. He couldn't stand it.

He said, ‘If you killed yourself you'd go straight to hell.'

‘I don't believe in hell, or heaven, or any of that bullshit.'

‘That's your problem.'

‘No, it's yours.'

Jules licked his lips – totally paranoid – and handed the joint to me. The end was wet with spit from being passed around. I pinched it between my thumb and finger and toked as hard as I could. The smoke filled my chest, filled my head, filled the room. I could hardly see through all that smoke. It was like being in a steam bath. The others were just vague lumps amidst the haze. I stretched out beside Karen. The carpet in her basement was thick and soft – a little cloud that had settled to earth. I floated on the cloud, totally at peace.

‘This is heaven,' I said.

‘No,' Chris said. ‘It's hell.'

We thought about that.

‘It can't be heaven,' Jules said. ‘There aren't any angels.'

Chris pointed at Karen. ‘I see an angel.'

‘She's not an angel.'

‘Sure she is. Show him, Karen. Show him you're an angel.'

Karen giggled and stood up. She flapped her arms and pranced around the room, moving on her tiptoes. At the same time, she started humming this weird music, the kind of music they sing in church choirs. It was eerie. She actually did remind me of an angel.

‘What's an angel without wings?' I asked.

‘A whore,' Chris said.

Karen swooped over and slapped him, playfully, on the shoulder.

‘Bastard.'

‘Okay, you're an angel.'

‘She's not an angel!' Jules said. I'd never seen him so stoned. He'd gone completely white and completely paranoid. Also, he was starting to sweat. ‘Real angels are invisible!'

‘Shut up about your angels,' Chris said. ‘You're just like that goddamned minister. All he talked about was angels. What angels? The only reason they invented angels is so God can have somebody to suck him off.'

‘You shouldn't say that stuff, man.'

‘Why not?'

Jules took another hit, a super big hit – almost inhaling the entire joint. In some ways, I actually understood why he was so upset. I mean, it's one thing not to believe in God. It's another to badmouth him like that. I don't have the guts to do it. I always worry God might hear, even though he doesn't exist. He'll hear and hit me with a bolt of lightning, or flood our house, or make my heart explode like a water balloon.

‘It's just not cool,' Jules said.

Chris started giggling. ‘Sure it is. There's God, and all these angels kneeling in front of him. I bet God has a huge dick. Bigger than all of ours put together.'

‘Shut up, man. I'm serious.'

‘Or what?'

Chris stared at him, waiting. Jules didn't say anything. Instead he passed the joint off to Karen and started playing with his watch, pressing all these buttons and adjusting the dials. It was like their conversation hadn't even happened. Meanwhile, the joint kept going around: from Karen to Chris to me to Jules and back to Karen. Pretty soon it felt like the whole room was turning around with it – as if we were on that ride at the amusement park that spins faster and faster until the floor drops out. It was arguably the most baked I've ever been.

‘I don't believe in angels,' Karen announced. ‘I believe in reincarnation.'

‘What?'

‘You die, and you come back as somebody else. My mom has all these books on it. She's already decided what she's going to be in her next life and everything.'

‘Yeah. She'll be a hooker.'

‘You can be such an asshole, Chris.'

He could be, especially to her. It wasn't totally one-sided, though. She had her tricks, too. One of them was Julian. After Chris said that, she rolled away from him and started talking to Jules. They discussed what they'd been in their previous lives. Jules had never believed in that stuff but for her he'd believe in anything.

‘I was a soldier in the First World War. I died at Vimy Ridge.'

‘I lived in England. I had a castle, and hundreds of handmaids.'

‘I sailed around the world on big, wooden ships.'

‘I danced for the National Ballet.'

They went on and on like that, enough to make you puke. I ignored them and stared at the ceiling, trying to shake the spins. There were patterns in the plaster – yellow ripples that sort of looked like sand dunes. The dunes were endless, stretching on and on and on.

‘That's crazy,' I mumbled.

‘What's crazy, Razor?'

‘I can see a desert up there.'

Julian snickered. ‘Razor's shrewing out.'

‘Shut up, Jules,' Chris said. Then he asked, ‘What kind of desert?'

‘The biggest desert you've ever seen. It goes on forever. The sun is super bright, like an exploding star. There's no snakes or cactuses. Nothing can survive except a few weeds.'

‘Am I there?'

‘I don't know.' I sat up and started plucking at the carpet. I could still picture the desert in my head, though. ‘There's this one set of footprints. Maybe that's you.'

Julian and Karen were both giggling, like they'd never heard anything so funny.

I glared at them. ‘Whatever. I was only messing around, anyways.'

That made them laugh even louder. Not Chris. He was rolling a joint, looking super thoughtful. He said, ‘Just because you were messing around doesn't mean it's not true.'

That night she gave Chris gummers for the first time.

Jules and I left early. We had to go early because our parents cared about us. Chris could stay because his dad was dead and his mom didn't give a shit when he came home.

Some guys have all the luck.

Karen had a funny look in her eye when we left. I suspected something would happen. I knew what was going on between them, obviously. Jules didn't. In front of us, they just acted like friends. She didn't treat him any different than Jules or I. Not really different, anyways. I mean, it wasn't as if they kissed or held hands or anything. Then again, they didn't have to. It was like animals in the wild. All the wolves know who's the leader of the pack, because he can take on any of the other wolves. It's only natural that he also gets the she-wolf. That's just how it is in the wild. Everybody knows that.

Everybody but Julian.

‘Do you think they're doing anything?' I asked him.

We were walking along the parkway. The air was super muggy and I started burning out, big time. I felt pretty miserable, actually – otherwise I wouldn't have even mentioned it to him.

‘What do you mean?' he said.

‘You know. Chris and Karen.'

Jules stopped dead, like he'd run into a wall.

‘What are you talking about, man? They're just friends.'

I looked at him without saying anything.

‘We're all just friends, okay? It's not like that between them. Not at all.'

‘All right.'

We started walking again. Jules was breathing hard.

Later on, Chris filled me in. I phoned him, actually – at about midnight. I wasn't perving out or anything. I just wanted to know what had happened.

‘First she put some music on. Pretty loud.'

‘What type of music?'

‘This chick singer with a super high voice.'

I guess she wanted to set the mood or something. Until then he'd been sitting on the couch, but he told me she got him to stand up and take off his shirt. I'm not sure why. It wasn't really necessary for what she had in mind. On the other hand, maybe she liked having him half-naked like that.

‘Then she started kissing my chest, and my stomach.'

‘She probably likes your six-pack.'

‘Maybe.'

‘And after that she gave you gummers?'

‘Uh-huh.'

I don't know if she took off his belt or just undid his fly or what. Chris didn't go into that. But according to him, she knew exactly what she was doing. He said it felt sort of wet and weird at first. Then it felt awesome. Ten times better than pulling your goalie.

‘What about the end?'

‘What about it?'

Even I know you're supposed to warn the girl when you're almost ready. You know – to finish off or whatever. So he did. But apparently she didn't care.

‘What do you mean she didn't care?'

‘She just told me to go ahead. She was a bit annoyed I'd even mentioned it.'

‘Jesus.'

I stood there, thinking about that. The phone felt hot against my ear.

‘Razor?' I could hear him yawning. ‘I got to get some sleep, man.'

‘Okay. Sure. Thanks for telling me.'

We hung up and I sat back on my bed. Then I stood up again. I couldn't believe Karen had said that. What a harsh chick. I kept picturing her kneeling in front of him, like an angel. Except without the wings, obviously.

31

We hated the Avalon, but didn't have any other options. It's the only bar on the North Shore that serves to minors. Or it did. Apparently they've decided to gut the building and turn it into a fancy grill and steakhouse. But back when we went, they didn't even bother to check your ID. I mean, there was a bouncer at the door, but his main job was to break up fights. Chris fought him, two or three times, and he lost every time. Chris hardly ever lost fights but this bouncer was some kind of professional. He held his fists like a boxer and always took off his shirt to fight. He was a bit crazy like that. The funny thing is, after all those scraps he'd grown to like us a little – especially Chris. He was one of those guys who'd beat the shit out of you and then do something super bizarre, like help you up and buy you a beer.

But basically, he never checked our ID.

‘You kids nineteen?'

‘Yessir. You got it.'

‘All right. Have a good time.'

There were two sections to the Avalon. He guarded the back. Nobody guarded the front. The front was this raunchy restaurant where you only went if you wanted to get food poisoning. Julian made the mistake of eating there one time, and he found a fingernail in his soup. No joke. So for obvious reasons we steered clear of the front.

The actual bar, where all the underage kids went, was around back. The only thing holding up the ceiling were these wooden beams that had gone all black and rotten, like an old man's teeth. By the time we started drinking there, I'm pretty sure it had already been condemned. There was a bar at one end, a dance floor in the middle, and a bunch of rickety tables strewn along the walls. Also, it was dark. It was so dark you could hardly see anything. I mean, you could see some things – beefcakes boozing at the bar, dirty old men huddled around the tables, and girls shaking it on the dance floor – but you couldn't see any of it too clearly. It was like being underwater in a fishtank that hadn't been cleaned for months and months. Come to think of it, it kind of smelled like a fishtank, too.

Anyways, that's where we went to get hammered.

A night at the Avalon was always the same.

We'd find a table close to the dance floor and start drinking. Karen drank Canadian Club, usually with ginger ale. Me and Chris guzzled pitchers of watered-down Kokanee. Jules didn't drink much. We always made him drive and like I said, he was super responsible about drinking and driving. So he'd stick to pop – Coke or Sprite or whatever. Nothing else.