Finding the Thing Within (11 page)

***

When Rosario got home, before he went to bed, he switched on his PC and wrote:

“Dearest Lorenzo, some weeks ago I would hardly have believed it, now I feel more mature for saying it. Today you made me feel different, calmer; my concept of us has greatly improved. I’ve never properly loved anyone partly because no one's ever really loved me. You make me forget this every day, showing me how important I am for you.

This makes me vulnerable. Inside my armor-plated heart, the callus is beginning to soften, the ice is beginning to melt. At first I doubted the sincerity of your declarations of love but today you proved me wrong. The fact that you mentioned about how you opened up with Tullio is a sign you are ready to risk. I understand that you’re in a difficult situation and I wouldn’t like to be in your shoes right now. I’m sorry if I’ve been putting too much pressure on you recently to make choices, you don’t need to decide anything now if you don’t feel ready, and you might regret it and that would make me sad. Anyway, the best thing is for you to continue to try and speak openly to a handful of your closest friends.

I like, I like your smile, your way of being, of reacting, of thinking and putting things...at any rate, I really like you! I don’t like how you’re always late though. You’ll get better with a few well-directed punishments from me. Your Rosario”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Ps. my balls are like watermelons

***

“I read and reread your mail and it made me so happy! I had a really special day too...sometimes I think of all that’s happened in the last few weeks and I just can’t believe it, how easy it’s been to stay with a person I’ve known for such a short time...it’s amazing, the hours we spend together just fly...the other day I felt so light with you, calmer and more relaxed than I feel even with my best friends…how can all this joy from from nothing? How can meeting someone change your life so fast? Are you perhaps my “Ignorant Fairy”?

Probably enough rhetorical questions, I know only that you make me happy and you appreciate at least that. I’ve always been completely sincere with you, I can’t say that I know that I’m in love with you yet, but I really care about you. It’s crazy that you've never loved anyone; maybe you've just been unlucky. You're an amazing person, you give me so much and you give it so well that it’s hard to believe you haven’t before...and you always give in to your own way, your eyes tell me that much.

I like, I like...your smile too, the faces you make, your simple way of interacting with others. I like your joy, and I like you, even if you are old (now you’re telling me to bugger off...now you’re laughing) Anyway, even if you are older, I have no problems being with you. In fact, it’s probably this fact of your maturity which attracts me to you. I feel like I can trust you without reservations...actually, maybe I have some, but they are to do with other aspects of my life, not you. I’m afraid of dealing with all these things much bigger than me...

I have to thank you for something, for putting the thing in front of my eyes...helping me to understand than I was escaping from my daily reality...and this is why I have decided to take these important and necessary steps forward. I don’t know how I will react in a situation that goes beyond yesterday’s, initially I would have answered without hesitation that I’d have chosen you over my childhood friends no problem, but then I saw the whole scene in front of my eyes. I was feeling trapped in a feeling of aloneness, as if all of a sudden I had to make a definitive choice between two parallel worlds...and it made me shiver, I still don’t know how to answer you...

Oh, and about the punctuality, you’re right, it’s my laziness, I try to make the effort but just don’t seem to manage somehow...I hope that my infinite other good qualities can compensate in some way for this and other defects...I'm going to eat now, kisses, and I’ll see you tomorrow.

Oh, almost forgot, I thought to charge up the video camera and...! What are you doing to me? I’m like a bitch in heat...

Rosario was experiencing new heights of giddy joy, was it possible that something like this could happen to him? However, despite his happiness, he continued to think that Lorenzo still did not love him the same in return. He left the house that morning having no desire to work and as he was passing a church he decided to enter. He sat down at a pew and prayed.

“I’ve never been emotionally satisfied and you know that, please, let me love him, let me find that feeling that I’ve never known. Let me love him as he says he loves me. Give me luck too with my patent so I can worry less about money. If they accept my patent, I promise I go up Monte Pellegrino and leave a donation at the shrine to Saint Rosalia.”

***

He wandered aimlessly for a while before returning home tired. He found a message from Mr Bassetti:

“
Hello Mr Mollica, First of all I’d like to apologize for the delay in replying, we are extremely busy with a large number of projects at this time.

Regarding our project: we think there is the possibility of advancing your patent design (both in Italy and abroad). We propose a price-tag of around 12,000 lire (plus tax).
We are available to work together on the development and commercialization phases, recognizing your rights with a variable commission of between 5-7%.

This commission would be calculated periodically. Could you let us know if you want to proceed under these terms?

Best wishes. Gino Bassetti.”

“Oh my God, my God, they’ve accepted it, finally some good news, thank you, lord.” Rosario couldn’t contain himself; he didn't know what to do. He wanted to laugh

but he was almost starting to cry.
Why am I crying if I’m happy?
he thought,
now what do I do?
I have to tell the

others. He phoned and told Giorgia, then Francesco and then Lorenzo.

“I’m happy for you,” he answered, “So what’s next? How will you proceed?”
Rosario thought for a moment and said, “The only thing I don’t like about this is that they’re offering only 7% whereas I’d prefer something fixed. You remember I said I would have liked 150 million lire or even 100 million but they just talk of percentages.” He went and took his calculator. “Lets say they make 1000 units a month and sell them for 16,000 lire, that’s 16 million and 7% of that is one million, one hundred and twenty thousand lire. That’s not that much and maybe 1000 units a months is too low an estimate, a company like them who operate all over Italy should probably shift about 3000 units a month, so I would get… over three million lire, already a bit better then. And then there’s abroad, he said they sell abroad too. That probably means Europe, mostly, so let’s see, that’s France, Germany and Spain, that would multiply the profit by three, so that’s nearly 10 million a month...shit, that would be nice. And then it could only increase if it was sold all over Europe. I’m so happy. What do you think?”
Lorenzo thought for a moment and said, “What if it doesn’t sell, or there's an even newer model on the market and your patent isn’t used? I think you should ask for a lump sum. Something small like twenty million and 5% of the profits, then you can feel a bit safer.”
“Yeah, you’re right. And these gadgets they’re probably selling right now in Asia by the thousand and they'll probably send me to hell as soon as they see them there! I think I should rush them, get a deal before they can change their minds. Hey Lorenzo, why don’t we take a trip to the country to water the plants to celebrate?
“Water the plants?”
“Ha.”
His land really was dry, it had been over a fortnight since they had last been and the ground was cooked hard. At any rate he knew that it was not good to water the plants and trees when the sun was high in the sky, so he invited Lorenzo into the little bedroom. They made crazed love. The bed wasn’t huge and they had some logistical problems. Occasionally one of them would fall from the bed accompanied by hysterical laughter. They were so clearly happy together, joy burst out from their every action.
“Lorenzo, my dear.” said Rosario “I want to try having you inside me too.”
“Really?”
“Yes, I want you.”
Lorenzo tried to penetrate him but couldn’t manage, even trying a second time.
“I don’t know what happened, I can’t do it...I really enjoyed it when you did it to me...but I can’t…”
“Don’t worry, treasure, we always have it for another time.”
Lorenzo lay back, sad.
“What’s the matter?” asked Rosario.
“Nothing, but I don’t get it. I loved it when you did it to me...could it be that I’m only passive?”
“But didn’t you screw your girlfriend?”
“Of course I did. Here though it seems to be a different story.”
“Anyway, change the subject, how did it go with Tullio. Did you tell him?”
“There’s not much need to tell Tullio anything, or at least not explicitly. He’s very intelligent and we understand what the other is thinking immediately. It's been a few days that I’ve been trying to find a way to broach the subject.” “What did you say?”
“Well, I said...I have to tell you something but I can’t tell you, it’s something to do with my personality. At first I thought he might have misunderstood, might’ve thought that I was trying to hit on him. In fact, he asked me if he was involved and so I told him absolutely not, that it was something that just involved me. Then he went on, saying, ‘you know I love you and you’re my best friend and best friends accept each other’s little flaws, I’m not shocked by anything, I’m in a messed up state with my personal life too. As well as the girlfriend I have a lover. You could say I’ve been around a bit and I’ve tried lots of things, like smoking dope. But I’ve never been able to accept homosexuality, I just don’t get it, don’t understand it. I could do anything in life except try anything gay but I’ll always be close to you. There it is. That’s what he said and he couldn’t really have been clearer.”
“See, you haven’t lost a friend at all like you were saying?”
“Yes, but I know him well and I know it’s not going to be easy for him to accept this...other side to me. It was a big thing for him and it will be some time before he can digest it. Anyway, we’ll see but I hope he can eventually accept it.”
“Sounds to me like he’s already accepted it, otherwise he would’ve just shouted and walked off. Did you tell him about me?”
“Don’t be daft! It was quite enough for Tullio to know about me, aside from the fact that I’m seeing a fortyseven year old man. I know him well and it’ll take him a long time to deal with my news and even longer before he can meet you. Everything in time.”
“What do I do though?” said Rosario. “You know this situation is difficult for me too. I’d like to be an important part of your life, I want to meet your friends and be able to go out with them without having to hide anything. The love we have is stolen love, stolen from both my time and from yours. You have University, basketball and your friends. You rush around between everyone and I have to plead to see you.”
“Well, apart from the fact that whenever you wanted to we have met up, and I’ve always asked you if we could go slowly. You need to be a little patient, just give a little time and I’ll get my life sorted out. Come on, everything will get better, I just need time, only time.”

Part 13

He woke up late the following morning having not slept a wink. He woke up and fell back asleep again continuously, and the noise! On the other side of his bedroom wall was the kitchen of a neighboring flat and the tenant, a sixty year old widow got up at four-thirty in the morning to wash the dishes. He could hear the clattering of porcelain and the characteristic sound of a large gas tank being moved. Why? Was it to clean the floor underneath it? There was no peace.

The thing that got to him was that around seven o’clock there was silence again. The time in the morning when he thought most people got up and started to make noise with manual labor, this crazy woman stopped. And so he often fell asleep again at that time. That morning it was nine o'clock when he switched on the radio to hear the news. He was thinking of many things; of his patent, of Lorenzo and of the situation, of whether or not he was passive or not. He didn’t really mind about being penetrated, he didn’t really enjoy it that much even though he was gay but it still troubled him that Lorenzo had been unable to do it. Would their relationship always be like that? Would he have to always have the active role and Lorenzo the passive? He got up and had breakfast.

“There are some bills that you have to pay at the post office and can you pick up my pension,” decided his mother, “If you go now there will be hardly anyone and you won’t have to wait long. And if you're passing by a supermarket, can you get potatoes, onions and lemons. And don’t forget to get something to go with the pasta, like lentils, chickpeas and some vegetables. Oh and don’t forget to buy some fruit, you know that I don’t eat if there isn’t any fruit on the table.”

“Ok mother, I’m off,” but she continued talking allowing herself to be interrupted.

“Christ, what a headache I have today? Why is that? It could be high blood pressure; will you take a reading before you go?”

“Ok, mother, fine...”

Her pressure was over 160, it wasn’t really high or dangerous but Rosario told her that it was nearly 150 so she wouldn’t worry needlessly.

Before he left, his phone rang. It was Francesco. “Hey Rosario, how's things?”
“Ok, why?”
“I bought another water tank, but this time its been

put in a lower place so we have to take it up thirty metres and we have to do it by hand.”
“Who’s 'we'?”
“Uh…you and me of course,” answered Francesco. “But we’re going to need some other help too, at least another two pairs of hands.”
“Who do you want to phone?”
“Well I kind of thought of your Lorenzo, isn’t he sporty?” and he laughed. “And Federico, Giorgia’s partner, if he wants to come, and her son.”
“You organize it and I’ll ask Lorenzo and get ready.”