Finding My Way Home (7 page)

“Oh ok, sure.  Maybe I’ll call Gigi and see if she wants to have lunch or something.  By the way,” I say as we’re walking out, “what exactly is it that you do?”

“
I work in a tattoo parlor.” Well I guess that makes sense considering that half of his body, or at least what I got to see, is covered in tattoos.  “See you in a few.  Text me if you need anything.” 

“Hmm sure.”
I walk him to the door and say goodbye. 

            
 
He’s a tattoo artist.  As in, that’s his job.  I remember when we were kids he would always draw things for me and he was pretty good.  But a tattoo artist? I wonder if that’s what his job title is. I’m still playing with the idea in my head as I walk around gathering what I need before I head out.  I change my clothes quickly and as much as I want to shower, I’m just too scared to get in there alone.  I do the smell test, rolling my eyes in the process, since this is not a typical thing for me.  I run in the bathroom and take out the deodorant, my toothbrush and the toothpaste and run back out towards the kitchen.  Just thinking about it makes me laugh. I’m acting silly and I know it; if there’s anything in the house I don’t think me being in the kitchen will help much. 

             
I wash my face and brush my teeth in the kitchen sink and I feel mildly cleaner.  After I shove my arms into my jacket, I grab my keys and my bag and head out to find Gigi. I glance at my cell and still no calls from Joe.  I dial his number and it goes straight to voicemail. 

             
“Hey it’s me, I called you like a million times so I’m not sure what’s going on.  I am almost done here and I should be home by Sunday. So yeah, just call me ok?”

             
I dial Gigi’s number next and she answers on the first ring.

“Hey
Brenie, how are you?”

“I was going to grab some lunch and I wanted to see if you’re free.”  There is a lot of noise in the background and she’s breathing heavily.

“Sorry I’m working.  I am so out of shape, I swear I’m a walking heart attack.  Why don’t you stop by the diner and I’ll take my break so we can eat together.”

“Sounds good.
  See you in a few.”  I drive the short distance and marvel at how different the small town life is from Boston.  There is never traffic since most people walk or ride their bikes.  No matter where you live, you are close to everything.  There’s calmness in the air, something you don’t get in the big city.   I park in front of the diner, the same spot as last time and from the look of it, the place is empty.

Gigi
comes to greet me and pulls me in one of her warm hugs.  She’s always been a hugger and always genuine. 

“I’ll bring you some ice tea and a menu.  Since we’re not busy I can take a full hour.  Just don’t tell my boss.”  She chuckles and move
s to the counter to bring me a drink. 

“I don’t need the menu.  I am going to have the fish and chips and a side of slaw.  Don’t give me that look.  I’m starving.  Ever since I got here I’ve been skipping meals every day.”

She puts her hands up and smiles. “Hey I didn’t say anything.  Let me tell Bob.  Be right back.”  She disappears in the kitchen and I can hear Bob’s laughter.  Whatever she’s telling him, he likes it. 

She returns and we click ou
r glasses.  “Here’s to reunions and old friends,” she says.

“I’ll drink to that.”  The ice tea is sweet and refreshing and I drink almost the entire glass without breathing. 

“Judging by the way you look, I would think your nana stopped by for a visit.”

I almost choke on my drink the minute the words come out of her mouth.  “What did you say?” I whisper.

“Well it’s normal around here, if you ask me.  I remember when I moved back into my grandparents’ house, my grandpa used to show up all the time.  Of course everyone thought I lost my marbles. At first I didn’t believe it.  The baby would wake up at night and talk to someone.  I would go to check up on him and he would point at the empty chair and say my grandpa’s name.  Oh I cried for days.  Oh my God, I thought something bad was going to happen.  But eventually, once I accepted it, I was able to see him.”

“Didn’t you get scared?  I mean, how did you stay in that house after seeing him?”  How can she be so casual about something so eerie?

“Bren, he wasn’t there to hurt us.  He is the one that got me through the hard times.  It’s as if he came back just to make sure I was ok.  I think the reason I saw only him is because he was the closest to me.” 

I feel like I’m on the set of
Twilight Zone and any minute now the director is going to scream “Cut” and we will all laugh about this.  We’re talking about paranormal activity here, not a casual every day kind of thing. 

“Just don’t freak out Bren. 
For whatever reason she came back.  Maybe she wants to tell you something.”

“She did tell me something
Gigi.  And I am freaked out.  This is not easy for me.”  The food arrives but I’m no longer hungry.  “So how did you handle the whole thing?”

She takes a small bite of her sandwich then drops it back on her plate and smiles.

“It was really bad when I moved back.  Everyone was talking about us Bren.  You know how it is around here.  Before I moved away people used to wonder about my mom.  You know how she would be out of town for weeks, leaving me alone?  Well they all thought she was going away on business.  What they didn’t know was that she was having an affair with a married man.”  I can feel my jaw drop to the table.  Gigi’s mom was the epitome of a classy lady; never in a million years would I have pegged her as someone to have affairs. 

“Yeah I know. 
Took me a while to find out. One day that guy’s wife showed up and it was bad.  After she left, one of the neighbors stopped by to ask what the yelling was all about and my mom lied and said that her boss from California showed up and they got in an argument.  He believed her.  I mean wouldn’t you?  I was about sixteen when we went for a visit to Cali and I got to meet this guy.  He was really charming and very attentive towards my mom.  He had a condo there for her and took us to Disneyland and it was really nice to feel like a family.  I think my mom knew he wasn’t going to leave his wife but she was so in love with him.”  Gigi closes her eyes and shakes her head as if trying to untangle all the memories.  I wonder how many more secrets there are in this town.  Secrets that we never expected to unravel. 

“The night before we were to return home, I met his son.  Oh Bren he was everything a girl could dream of.  I was instantly in love and he knew he
had me right after our first kiss.  I’d never been with anyone and was naïve enough to buy all his lovey-dovey crap.  A few weeks later he came to visit me and we made love for the first time.  I got pregnant right away and well, the rest you know.  I had to move away because there was no way I was going to have an abortion.  I stayed at their condo until the baby was born and the entire time he made promises he didn’t intend to keep.  I was a mess Bren, I was scared, and alone and too young to be a mother.  But the day I gave birth to James, I felt stronger and more alive than ever.  He is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“Wow
Gigi.  I didn’t know.  Why didn’t you ever say anything?”  She shrugs and swirls the straw around the glass. 

“You all had different lives
by then.  All of you were worried about getting into college while I was worried about buying diapers and milk.  Anyway, after the baby was born, Damon, that’s the guy’s name, didn’t want to have anything to do with us.  My mom had already broken up with his dad so I couldn’t stay at the condo.  The day I had to pack and come back here was the hardest day of my life.  I knew people were going to judge me and I was more worried about my mom than anyone else.  I couldn’t give a rat’s ass what they thought about me.  So I moved into my grandparents’ house.  It was a piece of crap since no one had lived there in years.  Your grandpa helped me fix the roof and paint the inside.”

We both smile and I can just see my papa all ready to help out.  That’s the kind of man he was.  If you were in trouble he was there for you, no questions asked. 

“A few weeks after I was all settled, James started acting weird at night.  He would not cry but make noises as if he was trying to talk.  As he got older, he would point at the rocking chair, or a corner of his room; it was always empty so I didn’t think anything about it.  I thought maybe he just was getting too much sleep during the day and wanted to play at night.  The first time I saw my grandpa I screamed like a crazy woman,” she laughs out loud at the memory.  “I even scared the baby.  But eventually he would talk to me and tell me things and, I don’t know Bren, he is the reason why I found the courage to stay here and start my life.”

We sit in silence as I let everything she just said sink in.  She looks at her watch and I know she has to go back to work but I’m not ready to go back to the house.  Not yet.  I pay for my food although it was left untouched and before I leave I pull her in and hug her like my life depends on it.

“Thank you so much for sharing all that with me.  I wish I was there for you,” I cry.  “There’s so much I wish I could go back and undo.”

She hugs me back and her hand gently pats my back. “It’s ok.  I’m just happy you’re here now.  Ok now scram before I lose my job,” she jokes and I let her go.  I get back to my car and sit inside for a while, thinking.  So much has happened in the last few days; things I never knew about, things I wish I could’ve paid more attention to, things that will change my life forever.

I drive aimlessly for a while and find myself in front of the cemetery.  The skies are dark and cloudy and the wind moves the fallen leaves in a mesmerizing dance.  It feels like I’m floating towards my nana’s grave, the fear no longer existent.  The soil is still fresh and wet, and so are the flowers that are neatly placed on top of the plot.  I touch the cold earth and the jolt of heat coming from it makes me yank my arm back.
Get a hold of yourself
.

“Hi nana,” I whisper and I swear I can feel the wind picking up and circling the leaves all around me.  “There is so much I want to say and I don’t even know where to start.  I want you to know how sorry I am for staying away for so long.  I want to tell you thank you for everything you’ve ever done for me.  Whatever it is in those letters will not change the way I feel about you and papa. I am ready for anything.  I just hope you can forgive me for being so selfish.  I should’ve been there for you.” I
lie on top of the wet soil and sob.  That’s how Noah finds me. Effortlessly, he picks me up in his strong arms and walks me back to my car.

“Are you ok to drive,” he asks.  I look him in the eyes and nod.  “
Alright, I’m going to follow you home to make sure you get there ok.”  It all feels like a dream and I’m still trying to decide if I want to wake up or keep on dreaming. True to his promise, Noah follows my car closely and we make it home safe.  I get out and he grabs my keys to unlock the door.  My stomach is growling and it makes Noah chuckle. 

             
“I got us dinner since Gigi said you didn’t touch your lunch.”

             
“You talked to her?” I ask him as I remove my jacket and fumble with my boots’ zipper.

             
“That’s how I found you.  She was worried about you.”  The house is dark and it makes me so nervous being there.  We walk into the kitchen and he starts to plate the food for us.  I look outside the window into the backyard and I swear I can see the outline of a figure sitting on my old swing.  I don’t tell Noah, instead just turn my head and remind myself that I’m just imagining her.  He pushes a plate in front of me and urges me to eat.  He doesn’t have to tell me twice; I’m starving enough not to argue with him.  The food has no taste but I keep eating just to keep myself busy with something.

             
“Noah?”

             
“Hmm?” he answers me but keeps his eyes on his plate as if he’s trying to avoid me.  I’m wondering just how much Gigi has told him about my dream.

             
“Do you think you can spend the night here?”  My question takes him by surprise and he coughs softly.  “You don’t have to but honestly I’m scared to be alone here.”

             
“Ok.”  That’s all he says and goes back to finishing his meal.  Without looking back to the window I stretch my arm out and close the blinds.  Before long, we’re done eating and he cleans up the empty plates.  I wish I had the energy to go back to the attic and finish looking for the stupid letter once and for all.  The reality is that just being in the house at night is scary enough; last place I want to be is stuck in a creepy attic on top of the house. 

             
“Can I ask you for one more thing?” He simply looks at me with wondering eyes and I’m sure he’s scared of what I’m about to ask next. I know I’m putting him in a very uncomfortable situation but who else am I going to ask?  The one person that should be here helping me, my boyfriend, is nowhere to be found.  That reminds me that I haven’t heard from him in days now. “I’m going to go take a shower.  Do you think you can just stay in my room until I’m done?”

             
“Let’s go scaredy-cat,” he jokes and pulls me after him.  I pick up a change of clothes and leave him sitting on my bed.  I lock the door behind me and turn on the water.  The hot spray feels wonderful on my tired skin and I wish I could sit under it forever.  Remembering that Noah is in the other room, I wash and dry quickly, and wrap myself in the big towel.  The mirror is covered with steam and as I wipe my hand over it I notice a reflection other mine.  I turn quickly but there is no one there but me.  I turn slowly back to the mirror and I can now see my grandma’s face clearly.