Finding Me (33 page)

I wake up beside my mom on the couch in the basement. She’s still fast asleep from our hours of stories and tears from last night. The tears had eventually transitioned to mostly happy ones as she shared old memories of my dad, several of which I had already heard but still enjoyed, and a good number that I never had. I had listened to her words, but also her tone as she recounted stories that expressed her love for my dad.

Upstairs, I hear the front door open and get up to see who’s arrived and discover Kyle carrying a large vase of flowers followed by Caulder with a matching bouquet.

“Hey.” Kyle looks at me over the flowers, and although a lot of things feel like they were in some ways resolved yesterday, I can see others weren’t as his eyes shift with unease.

“Hey,” I say softly before looking to Caulder and smiling.

Caulder gives me a warm smile in return and quietly excuses himself after setting the vase on the kitchen table to go get another from the driveway.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for leaving, and for being so closed off. But I’m really sorry for what I said yesterday. You are my brother, Kyle, and you’ve been a part of this family forever.” I confirm, not wanting to allow any more things to go unsaid. I’ve done too much of that in the last year. “I love you, and I was never trying to hurt you, or anyone. I…”

“I love you too, Ace.” Kyle interrupts my words and engulfs me in a hug. “We all knew you weren’t trying to hurt us. It just hurt because we all love you so much and miss having you around, but we want you to do what’s best for you.”

I’ve already realized that it wasn’t just my world that exploded last May. I know that everyone feels the loss and repercussions of my father’s death. Some that didn’t know him very well or weren’t a part of his daily life were able to recover much faster, while others worked to use their grief as a reminder to never take a breath for granted, and some of us, like my mom and me, scrambled to find even ground to stand on—but we all felt that day. It marked us all. What I realize now, standing in front of Kyle, is that I was never alone in this fight. I just had forgotten to look around.

I kiss Kyle’s cheek before sliding out of his truck and waving to him. “I’ll see you in a couple of hours,” he calls before backing out of the driveway.

I take the few steps to the front door, thinking of what I need to do. Calling Fitz is at the top of my list. I’ve been terrible at touching base with him all week, and I’m sure he’s worried. The driveway and street are filled with cars, and I head up the porch steps hoping to slink in and shower before anyone notices me. I feel like I’ve spent the last forty-eight hours crying and know it shows on my face. The living room is filled with voices and bodies, but no one stops me.

I pause before reaching the hallway and turn. My eyes sweep over the group to ensure my ears didn’t lie. A strange cry that starts out as a squeal and ends with laughter erupts and my arms fly around Fitz with enough impact that I feel his body sway.

“What are you doing here?” I cry, pulling back and looking over his familiar features that are turned up in a smile.

“I came to surprise you.”

I laugh once again and nod. “You definitely did! When did you get here? How did you get here?”

“Well, thankfully not everyone hates social networking as much as you. I found Kendall and she helped me out,” he explains, nodding his head forward.

I turn and see Kendall smiling slyly at me and smile widely in return. As my eyes sweep back to Fitz, I realize that he’s not the only visitor. “Harper, this is Tim, Max’s dad,” my sister says, her blue eyes tracking my reaction.

It takes me a beat to realize that I need to respond and then take a step forward and extend my hand. “It’s very nice to meet you, Tim.”

His head cocks to the side slightly, and his lips curve down even though he’s trying to smile at me. “Yes, yeah, you … you too,” he stammers, making me feel uneasy.

The living room is filled with Landon, Jameson, Kendall, Fitz, Wes, Jesse, Abby, Erin, and Tim. I have no idea where Max is, or why Erin’s here when he isn’t, but I know that Fitz is aware of the mention of Max’s name, and is scrambling to understand why Max’s dad is visiting Kendall and Jameson. I’ve shared very little about Max with him. Anyone would be confused.

We move to the kitchen where Jameson takes to mixing drinks that I warn Fitz about and introduce him to several of the most important people in my life.

“I’ve got to grab my charger from the rental car,” Fitz says, excusing himself quietly over the laugher of Jameson and Wes, who are sharing stories of the slick kitchen floors that are finally starting to become manageable. Erin disappeared upstairs shortly after we sat down and started talking about things that were before her time and no one seemed to object to her leaving.

“Harper.”

I hear Fitz call and stand up from the story that Jameson’s sharing about Wes talking in his sleep after hearing about how often Wes has been staying with them over the last year.

“Uh, there’s a blond woman outside that looks an awful lot like you, but she said she’s looking for someone named Ace. I’m pretty sure it’s a girl because she said she … Do you know an Ace? And do all Californians happen to look like you, or is this another sister?”

“Someone’s looking for Ace?” Erin appears at the top of the stairs, and I suddenly realize why the switch of my name has been occurring. I don’t know how I didn’t notice that it was only in her presence that the others called me Harper, but now it seems so obvious.

She descends the stairs, looking more curious and angry with each step.

“There you are!” I turn my head to see Jenny and Adam push open the front door, wearing matching smiles on their nearly newlywed faces.

“You’re Ace?” Erin asks, her eyes slicing through me with a hatred that’s undeniable. “I thought your name was Harper?”

“It is,” I reply lamely. I’m at a complete loss for words because I have no idea what she knows of me.
Is her loathing because I had hurt Max or out of jealousy?
I have no idea.

Max appears in the front door, and both Erin and I turn to him. His eyes move from me to her and back to me again before his head tilts and his eyes silently ask me what’s going on.

“Hey, Max!” Jenny’s words sound awkward and forced.

“That’s Max?” Fitz’s voice rings clearly, making me cringe.

“She’s Ace!” Erin screams in response, stomping down the few remaining steps.

The voices from the kitchen stop and Jenny’s eyebrows rise with confusion and surprise. I have no idea which of my sisters knows about her, or what they know. I focus on Jenny for a second, needing to see a familiar face that isn’t going to be filled with accusation. Her eyes slowly drift around the room before landing on me.

“My bad.” She grabs Adam’s hand and edges her way back to the front door.

I silently plead with her to stay and her head shakes once before she lifts her thumb and pinky to her face in the shape of a phone. “Call me!” she whispers, and then they disappear, closing the front door.

My hands feel clammy as my attention turns back to Erin, hearing her take a few steps closer. She looks furious, glaring at me with disgust. “I can’t believe this. You’re Ace!” It isn’t a question. It’s a revelation of some sort.

I consider explaining once again that my name really is Harper, but that seems irrelevant and tedious at the moment, especially when I consider that I don’t know what
she
knows.

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me!” she screams at Max this time.

“There was no need to make a big deal out of it.”

I hang on to the word
it
again, trying not to focus on the fact that I keep feeling a little more insignificant to him.

“She’s staying in your house!”

“She’s Kendall’s sister,” Max states.

“She’s your
ex-girlfriend
!”

“She’s only staying a few more days.”

I know that if I was in her position I’d be blazing holes through his attempt to rationalize things right now. Well, actually, I’d probably leave and then mentally blast holes through his defense, but her anger seems to recede a bit.

“We’ll let you guys talk,” Fitz says quietly. Placing a hand on the small of my back, he leads me to the front door.

“What in the hell’s going on?” Fitz growls as we reach the yard. “You’re staying with your ex-boyfriend? What the hell, Harper? Have you lost your ever loving mind?”

“It’s not a big deal,” I insist, falling back into my comfortable placating mode by trying to smile at him.

Fitz shakes his head a few times, his eyes looking to the ground. “Does he know you’re not over him?”

“I am over him. We’ve both moved on. We’re trying to be friends now.”

“That’s bullshit,” Fitz says, shaking his head a few times.

The front door bangs open and Erin strides past us without a glance, leaving me slightly relieved until Max races after her, pleading for her to stop and listen to him. She doesn’t pause. Instead, she climbs into her car and slams the door before reversing down the street like a Nascar driver. Max hops in his truck and quickly follows after her.

The rehearsal dinner seems to run smoothly, at least what parts I am aware of. After Max had gone, Fitz and I went back inside and the group that was left standing in the living room looked confused and unsteady as they greeted us with forced conversation.

Although I know they all heard the ensuing drama, no one has spoken a word about it, which seems almost hypocritical since I’ve been called on the carpet so much for not talking about things. Granted, there’s a time and place for everything, and a wedding rehearsal would not be the best place to hash out my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend fighting over my discovery.

My thoughts are distracted with Max for the first half of the night, and then with the knowledge that my dad is missing this event for the second half. He only got to walk two of his five daughters down the aisle, and the thought causes a crippling fear that I don’t work to push back. Instead, I finally attempt to focus on my family and the love that’s surrounding me.

“Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be.”

–Sonia Ricotti

F
itz lets out a low whistle as we pull up to my mom’s house. “Explain to me why you sleep on an air mattress again.”

“You sleep on an air mattress?” Kendall looks repulsed as she repeats Fitz’s words.

I shoot him a warning look and slide out of the car. My hair is wrapped and pinned to the crown of my head in a similar fashion to Kendall’s from visiting the hair salon this morning.

Fitz’s eyes widen with a challenge. The entire drive out here was practically an unveiling of sorts as Fitz told Kendall about my life in Delaware. It started innocent enough; he asked how I’ve been sleeping. Because Jameson was driving, Kendall turned and watched our exchange and apparently recognized that his question was laden with concern. Fitz is familiar with the nightmares that plague me, and though Kendall had known about the one I had that she’d starred in, she didn’t seem to realize that they were a constant battle, not until I nodded and told him that I’d been sleeping well. Then Fitz’s eyes rounded and his chin tilted as he asked if I’d slept well the entire time. I have been. I think I’ve been too tired to have nightmares here, or perhaps it’s because I can see those that I often dream of.

Kendall didn’t allow my loose confirmation to pass. She instantly joined in, asking how often I’ve been having nightmares and what they’ve been about, which led to revealing Kitty and why I’ve been seeing her and how that began. Somehow the subject of cooking came up, and before I could curb the conversation, Kendall was telling Fitz about what a good cook I am, and my love for soccer, and swimming, details that Fitz and I have never discussed. They talked to each other more than they actually spoke to me, comparing details and notes, which at times varied widely and earned furrowed brows of confusion and detailed examples from the other.

I know Jameson sensed my restlessness. He tried several times to help me out and change the subject, but it never worked. They ignored both of us as though we weren’t even there. After listening to it all, I feel fully exposed and slightly embarrassed by the secrets I’ve harbored. I’d never done it intentionally. I just didn’t know how to leave behind the memories without leaving pieces of me behind as well.