Finding Me (15 page)

“Hey!”

My thoughts cease as Landon walks into the living room, his arms already outstretched for a hug, though he’s still several feet away. I feel the pull of my cheeks as I smile in return and cross the threshold. I wrap my arms around him and feel the muscles in his arms constrict as he hugs me.

“How are you doing?” His words are spoken over the top of my head as he holds me tight for a long moment.

I reciprocate the hug, holding my arms tightly around his neck, smelling the familiar scent of his aftershave and cologne. When we each pull back, I notice the edge a small tattoo on the inside of his bicep that I’ve never noticed and rub my finger along it.

“What’s this?”

Landon smiles, but it’s a sorrowful smile that makes my heart squeeze.

“How was the flight?” Jameson asks, his voice sounds slightly louder than normal. I’m not sure if it’s because he knows what’s happening inside of me right now, or if his words just sound loud
because
of what’s going on inside of me right now.

I turn to look at him, and give a practiced smile before taking a few steps closer to him to set my purse beside my bags. With my last step, my foot connects with the floor and slides forward. Before I can react, I fall to the ground with an unceremonious grunt.

“Shit! Sorry, Ace!” Landon says, as the others apologize behind him. “The damn floors are slicker than all hell. You don’t want to walk around in socks or anything else that doesn’t have traction. The hallway to the bedrooms is pretty safe, but the kitchen and living room are both a bitch,” he explains, holding his hand out to help me stand back up.

“It smells really lemony in here. Did you guys try using like furniture polish on the floors?” I ask.

“It’s a long story.” Landon’s mouth closes as Kendall answers. “Let me go get some clean sheets and blankets.”

When she returns, I purposefully keep my feet on the area rug as I help her make half of the sectional into a bed and Jameson goes and makes drinks in the kitchen. Landon fills me in on where he’s working.

“Everyone’s coming for dinner tonight. They’re all really excited to see you,” Kendall says softly as she reaches over to place her hand on my arm. “I still can’t believe you’re here! The last couple of weeks went by so slow!”

I smile at her because I’m not sure what to say. In some ways it feels really good to be back in California; there’s a sense of rightness that fills my chest, but at the same time being here haunts me with memories. And it’s not just this house, it’s my family, and friends, the sun, the beach, and everything else that I see. Although I can be triggered while in Delaware, it’s different. There these are only replicas or simply memories.

“I need to change,” I say, breaking our contact and going to pull open one of my bags. “Do you mind if I take a shower?”

“No, no. Go ahead,” Kendall says. “If you want to lie down for a while and rest you can use our room. I’m sure the time difference and flying all day has you a little tired.”

“I’m okay. I just want to shower and change. I’m really warm. It was only forty when I left this morning.”

“Yeah. Go. Shower. The others will be here in like two hours, so you have time to get ready and stuff.” She looks at the wall behind her that reveals a new clock from the one that I had bought and Max had hung. “Shoot, they’ll be here in an hour. But if you need help, I can do your hair, or get clothes, or whatever.”

I raise my eyebrows and smile at her. “Are they expecting me to be dressed up?”

“No! No, no,” Kendall repeats, wiping her hands across her jean-covered thighs. “Sorry, no. Everything’s fine.”

I smile and take a couple of steps closer to Kendall and hug her. By the rigidness of her body, I can tell that I’ve surprised her and my heart hurts a little that she’s so nervous by me.

“It’s okay. Everything’s okay,” I whisper in her ear. The muscles in her back loosen as my arms constrict around her. “I love you too.”

“I love you too,” she whispers back.

Jameson and I are in the kitchen, chopping toppings for burgers when the doorbell rings. Kendall, who’s been setting up the side dishes and getting plates and utensils, moves a stack of napkins before mirroring our mom by wiping her hands together.

“Do you want to get it?” she asks, looking over to me.

“Sure.” I do want to get it, but I also feel a little reluctant because I don’t want this to be a big deal, and my sisters don’t know how to not let things be a big deal.

My tennis shoes make nearly silent echoes as I cross the house to the front door. I can hear Mindi on the other side. The moment I open it, a second of silence passes between us as our eyes focus on one another and then her arms are around me, gripping my shoulders in a nearly painful hug that forces me to lean into her to regain my balance.

“My God, you look older! How did that happen?” she asks, pulling away from me but still gripping my shoulders. “Kyle’s never going to let you leave. He’s going to be too freaked out to let you go now that you look like a woman.”

“I haven’t changed. Your eyesight’s just failing. Don’t worry, it’s a normal progression with age.”

Her eyes round and her lips purse, ready to retaliate when Jenny’s voice is heard echoing down the driveway. Adam’s little Smart car is still trolling into the driveway when she leaps from the passenger side door and sprints toward us with her arms opened wide.

Her hug is just as tight, but with it she sways from side to side, her familiar perfume coating her hair that’s fanned around my face.

“God I’ve missed you!”

“The neighbors are going to think something holy is going on if you guys keep mentioning God,” I tease as I hold her bright blue eyes with mine for a moment. I don’t know how I’ve never realized this exchange before. Why it’s taken me twenty-one years, and holding the stare of three of my four sisters, to realize that this silent exchange we share is so familiar. I know that we’ve been doing it our entire lives. I just have always done it without thinking. There’s so much that you can read from another person’s eyes, especially when they’re your sister. I can see the happiness that’s flooding hers with flecks of melancholy that I am certain is reflecting in my own.

Adam trails up the driveway at a far slower pace, allowing us time to get reacquainted.

“Hey, Professor Parker.”

“Miss Bosse,” he says with a lopsided grin. Jenny takes a step back, clearing the short distance between Adam and me that I close with a couple of steps, and wrap my arms around him.

“Welcome to the family.”

His grin stretches to a smile and his eyes travel to Jenny with adoration. “Thanks for introducing me to my fiancée.”

“Where are my nieces?” I ask, looking to my sisters.

“We didn’t want to have to worry about bedtimes, or them being bored or anything while we got the chance to visit. You’ll see them all on Sunday though, at the shower,” Mindi replies, stepping forward and wrapping an arm around my shoulders.

“What about Kyle?”

“He’ll definitely be here. He was just held up at a worksite and I didn’t want to wait any longer. I brought you something,” she says, slipping her hand from my shoulders and making her way back to the cars.

“Oh, my salad!” Jenny cries, following after her. I trod behind both of them to their cars.

“Ta da!” Mindi cries, pulling out a large, clear bottle with a bright red label and top that’s adorned with an even larger pink bow. “We’re doing twenty-one all weekend!”

“We’re doing the bridal shower. I’m here for Jenny’s wedding.”

“
And
to have a belated birthday celebration. It’s a must,” Jenny says, producing a large bowl that I can see through the thin plastic film is filled with broccoli. Jenny and Adam have been trying to eat a new, greener and more sustainable diet that my sisters have each shared with me is reason to avoid eating with them.

We make our way inside slowly as I guide them over the slick floors. My sisters and Adam exchange greetings with Jameson and Kendall when we reach the kitchen.

Conversation is light and filled with jokes and stories about wedding planning and dress shopping that fills my heart with a familiar ache. Jenny’s been allowing me to share in her venture by sending me copious amounts of photos and details about nearly everything, down to the ribbons that will be tied around the bouquets, but hearing them discuss things that they’ve been doing together makes the fact that I’ve missed out on one of the biggest experiences of my sister’s life to hang heavy on my shoulders and my heart.

The doorbell rings four times in quick succession before the front door swings open and Kyle announces his arrival. I push away from the island where I’ve been quietly listening and inspecting Jenny’s broccoli salad in time to see him collide with the floor.

“Shit, dude, I’m sorry. You okay?” Jameson asks over my shoulder.

“Christ! What did you guys do? You need to raise your homeowner’s insurance.”

“Yeah, we rent,” Jameson replies as he extends an arm to Kyle. “I’d lose the flip flops. It will only make it worse.”

“Jesus! What did you guys do?” Kyle cries as his foot slides with a wary step forward.

“The floors got cleaned in a very unorthodox fashion,” Kendall shares.

Kyle shakes his head and kicks off his shoes before his head snaps toward me, and I see the focus returning to him. He takes three long strides and crushes me against his chest, sharing no words. The others’ voices stop as well as we hold on to one another. My eyes swim with tears for the first time since I found out about Kitty.

His arms are tight around my back, and I hold him just as tightly and hear him take a few long breaths to calm his own emotions from spilling over.

“Kyle, you forgot the salad!” Caulder’s deep voice carries from the still-open front door, and I peek around Kyle’s shoulder to see him trying to balance a large bowl with two other containers.

Kyle’s arms tighten once more before he lowers his grip and turns to the door. “Dude, stay there a second. These floors are like ice. You’re going to fall on your ass and be covered in food.”

Caulder stops abruptly, making Savannah nearly run him over as she comes in with her sunglasses still on and arms filled.

My hands barely make it in time to catch a large tray before it fumbles from her grip.

“Sorry, babe!” Caulder says, watching her work to balance her remaining items.

“I didn’t even see you,” she replies.

I take a free hand and pull her sunglasses off to reveal her bright blue eyes taking everything in.

“I can’t hug you because I couldn’t stop baking! I need to hug you!” she says, looking down at the multiple dishes she’s still managing to hold.

Kyle grins and steps forward, managing to take everything from both our arms. Savannah is on me instantly, holding me close. I feel a tear on her cheek that’s pressed to my own and tighten my grip.

Kyle and Caulder’s footsteps descend toward the kitchen with a quiet warning about the floors. Savannah remains huddled around me for long moments, stroking my hair as her breathing slowly returns to normal.

“I’m sorry we’re late. Jenny said she was bringing a raw salad that would make us all think of potato salad, but then mentioned broccoli. And I know how much you like potato salad, so I started making it, and then I had to frost the cupcakes.” She pulls back and wipes her fingers below her eyes. “And Sawyer had to get a booster shot yesterday and was so clingy today that I was having to do it all one-handed, and I was trying to hurry, but the babysitter was running late.”

“You made cupcakes and potato salad?”

“And those brownies Aunt Kelly makes that you love. And a pineapple upside down cake because I remember you saying at Christmas that you’ve never had it, and I don’t even know how that’s possible, but after twenty-one years, you need to try some pineapple upside down cake.”

“Savannah, I love you too.” I wrap my arms around her again and hers return to my waist.

“I love you too, Ace.”

Food covers nearly every inch of the kitchen counters when Savannah and I slowly creep in, after sliding a few times on the floors.

As she greets our other sisters, my hip leans against the counter and I stare at my family, stopping on Caulder. “Caulder, I thought you were sick?” I ask, turning my gaze to Kendall as I ask my question. She keeps her back turned, but I notice her shoulders flex.

“I had a cold a few weeks ago, but nothing noteworthy …” His voice trails off at the end as he looks around to see if he was supposed to admit that.

“Is your house under construction?” I ask, turning to Mindi.

“Yes it is,” she replies instantly.

“Yes, that’s what you’re supposed to say? Or yes, it really is.”

“It really is. I swear. You can drive by. It’s tented.”

“Did you guys spray furniture polish on the floors?” Savannah asks, hugging Kendall and redirecting the conversation, letting me know this wasn’t a last minute, out of options scenario. It was planned.

“It does smell like lemon. I know. My face got an up close and personal inspection,” Kyle says, uncapping the bottle of vodka that Mindi brought.