Finding Home (3 page)

Putting on my best fake smile, I walk over to their table. “Hey Nathan, how’s it going?” My head tilts to the side to avoid eye contact with him and his slut who’s practically sitting in his lap. The look of surprise on his face is awesome. His level of discomfort brings me a bit of peace. He fidgets as he removes bimbo’s hands off his neck and scoots her back onto the seat.

“Oh … hey, Sam. I didn’t know you still worked here?” Is he seriously saying this to me? I’ve worked here for the last three years—the entire time of our two-year relationship. I try to hide my smug look, but I don’t think I’m very successful.

“Yeah, well, I love it here, and Mic is great. He’s like a father to me, so it’s the perfect job.”
Stop rambling!
“So, what can I get you?”

“Ah, I’ll have the Sam Summer on tap with a cheeseburger and fries. What do you want, Nic?” It’s then that I realize I have to look at her. The one girl I don’t want to see. The one who I’ve only seen with her skinny ass legs up and over Nathan’s shoulders while he was plowing into her.
Okay Sam, don’t go there, block it out.
As I wait for her order she giggles like an idiot.
Seriously, who giggles like that?

I look at him then back at her and join in her giggling. I’m actually fucking giggling, too! Although, maybe it’s hysterics. All I know is that I look him right in the eyes and say, “You really find this appealing? I mean, seriously, I’ve seen her legs up in the air, but what else does she have going for her?” Without another word, I turn and walk away from him. Mic can take his damn order. I’m not having any of that.

Walking with as much strength as I can muster, I approach my boss. A feeling of fierceness starts humming through my body. “Mic, the band-aid is gone, but I’m not putting up with that shit. You can take their orders!”

The drive up Route 29 from San Francisco is always a pleasant one. I love looking at the scenery of the low mountains with rolling hills that hold rows and rows of luscious grapevines. Heading onto Silverado Trail, I can see our family ranch in the distance. I love this place. The serenity I feel when I turn onto the drive is just what I need. It’s the only place that I find solace since Beth died. It’s what centers and grounds me.

This is where I grew up—this vineyard is in my blood—and one day my sister and I will run it. It’s my dream to make the best wine and share it with the world.

My father is happy to keep it local and has no desire for expansion, but I have bigger plans. Since Beth died, I put all my focus on learning the business from the outside in. I needed to leave for a while and traveling to Italy was the perfect way to learn more about food and wine. When I returned, I worked in San Francisco at a top restaurant group to learn how to pair wines and please people’s finicky palates.

Having put in my time, I want to continue my winemaking knowledge. I’m twenty-six, and it’s time that my dad takes my ideas seriously. I just need to get him on board with expanding our winemaking abilities to reach new customers. Eventually, my dream is to add a restaurant on our acreage that will serve the most amazing comfort food cuisine. We will expertly pair each dish with a delicious wine.

My father is a stubborn man, but I’m not going to back down. This weekend I will show him my research and business proposal. I will slowly but surely wear him down. At least that’s my hope.

As I approach the ranch, I see our black lab, Smokey, barreling down the steps to greet me. She’s been a part of my family since my junior year in high school, so the term barreling is used loosely. A guard dog she’s not, but she won’t let anyone past her without a pat or a scratch.

As I get out of the car, Smokey approaches me with her tail wagging. “Hey girl, I’ve missed you. Have you been helping out around here? Licking up any of the spilt wine?” I scratch behind her ears and then move down to her back. “Well girl, let’s see how the rest of the family feels about my homecoming.”

Even though I love it here, I know it’s only a matter of time before Beth is brought up. I grab my bags from the car and walk with apprehension toward my house. My mom’s out on the front porch, waiting. Her expression is hard to read, but there’s a smile on her face so I take that as a good sign.

“Ben, you’re home. I’ve missed you so much. Give me some sugar!” I oblige by giving her a bear hug, picking her up off the ground. This always makes her laugh. At six feet, two inches tall, I tower a foot over her. She would disappear in my arms if I weren’t careful. “Oh good Lord, Ben, put me down. How I ended up with such a tall boy I’ll never know.”

I look at her lovingly and smile. “I don’t know, Mom, maybe it was all the wine you guys drank.” That got me a smack on the shoulder.

“Now get in the house, put your bags in your room, and wash up. Dinner’s almost ready, and your dad’s anxious to see you.” Inhaling a deep breath, I let it out slowly. Let the weekend begin.

I make my way up the stairs to my old room. My stomach starts doing somersaults as the memories come back to me in waves of nausea. I place my hand on the handle of my door and slowly turn it. For the past two years I’ve avoided my room whenever possible. When I come to visit, I usually stay in the loft room above the barn. Unfortunately for me, we’re having some renovations done, and the loft isn’t available. I knew it would be hard to sleep in here, but I guess I didn’t realize just how hard. My footsteps are tentative as I walk in. I want to ignore the flash of memories, but there’s no use. They sweep over me, and I let them.

“Ben, stop it. Your family is down stairs, they’ll hear us,” she whispered to me while laughing.

“Oh, come on love, we can be quiet. Well, at least I know I can be, but I’m not so sure about you.” I joke with her while teasingly poking her in the ribs. She laughs and pushes me away. But I know what I’m doing. Beth has certain places on her body that set her off, and I know every one of them. Going in for the kill, I begin to lightly lick and suck under her earlobe. The soft moan she makes tells me I’m going to get what I want. When she reaches up and tugs on my hair I know she’s done fighting me.

“Oh God, Ben, you know what that does to me.” She starts to moan even more, and her breath falters. Yep, I have her just where I want her, and there’s no stopping this now. Having her in my childhood bed is a teenage fantasy come true. I grow even harder.

“Damn, when you make those sweet noises I have to have my way with you. Right here, right now, clothes are coming off,” I demand of her, and she doesn’t resist. As I slowly strip her of everything, I lose myself in her and her love.

Get a grip, Ben, or you’re going downstairs with a raging hard on
. The bed feels like it’s mocking me, but it’s impossible not to think about her in it. It was the last time we had made love. It was the last time I felt happiness before everything turned to shit. If I’d known that would be our last time, I would have slowed down a bit. I would have cherished her body and held her against me longer.

“Fuck this shit!” I curse aloud to the empty room. Two years later, and I’m still thinking of her. Looking down at the bed, I realize there’s no way I can sleep in it. Maybe Jenny’s room will be better for me. Turning around quickly, I’m met by my mother standing in the doorway. The look in her eyes tells me she senses my weariness. She starts to open her mouth to say something but hesitates.

“Mom, being in this room is too hard for me. Can I stay in Jenny’s room this weekend?” My mom looks up at me with understanding and nods. Walking past her to my sister’s room, I step inside and instantly relax. I knew my mom would follow me in and try to talk to me. Just as she opens her mouth I interrupt her. “Please, don’t, not right now. It’s too much.” Without saying a single word, she turns and walks back down the hall, only pausing to shut my old bedroom door. Now if I could just shut out all my recollections of Beth, I would be able to make a fresh start.

Seeing Nathan tonight didn’t help me. I’ve been working hard at keeping my heart safe and not involving myself with men who can’t appreciate me. I’m choosing to be selective of who I let in. If that means no love, sex, or relationships for a while, then I’m okay with that. So even though I’m keeping my heart safe and sound, I’m not necessarily prepared to deal with past heartbreaks. It sucks that he still can affect me.

As Jenny and I crossed Huntington Ave. and made our way onto Symphony, my eyes did a double take. I could barely make out the shadowy figure I knew all too well.
Nathan
. I turn to pull on Jenny’s arm to stop her in place. She looks at me nervously, probably because I stopped so abruptly. My mouth isn’t working. I can only point in his direction. She follows my finger to the steps of our building.

“Shit, what’s he doing here? Didn’t he get enough of you tonight?” Jenny looks at me with increasing concern because still nothing is coming out of my mouth. Grabbing my arm she shakes me. “Sam, Sam, snap out of it! What do you want to do?”

Her death grip on me shakes me out of my slightly catatonic state. She’s waiting for a response, but I have no idea what to do. “I don’t know what to do? It took all of my strength at the pub earlier tonight to stomach seeing him.”

I can’t believe Nathan is at my apartment of all places. This past year, I’ve been lucky not having to see him. I’ve been completing my student teaching so I’m hardly ever on campus.

We had an agreement that he could never come into the pub. And up until tonight, he’s followed that rule. But now, I’m seeing him twice in one night.

“What could he possibly want from me? You know how we left things.” Jenny’s eyes widened.

“Well, there’s only one way to find out. Come on, I’ll walk over with you and stay by your side. If he tries anything funny I’ll give him a quick kick in the balls!”

Knowing how serious she is, I snort thinking about Nathan hunched over, gasping for air and holding his junk. She’s a loyal friend and doesn’t take crap from anyone. Jenny once mentioned that having an older brother who teased her mercilessly taught her how to fight back. She also said that Ben would beat up any guy who treated her like dirt. She’s lucky to have a brother and a family who would do anything for her.