Finding Her Way (10 page)

†

“I didn’t want you to see the bruising, Lauren, that’s why I wouldn’t let you come down here for the first few weeks,” Jerrica sighed.

“I always wondered why you didn’t want to see me.”

“I didn’t want to see the look of disappointment in your eyes if you saw me like that.”

“I wouldn’t have been disappointed in you,” whispered Lauren.

Exhaling heavily, Jerrica continued her story. She explained that her ex-husband wanted all her money in the divorce and that they still co-owned the house they once inhabited. She paused, laying her hands in her lap, re-grouping, and started talking about Devin. Jerrica’s tone saddened as she recounted their history, Devin being her first real relationship with a woman.

To Lauren’s dismay, Jerrica went into intimate detail about her feelings for Devin, using the word love often.

She described the last weekend they were together, down to the end. Jerrica’s voice was so full of pain, she had to pause again and slowly sip her coffee.

“Wow, I had no idea that your feelings were so strong for her. I didn’t know you had fallen in love with her,” Lauren said softly, staring into her cup.

“Your ex-husband is a bastard,” Jaime added.

Jerrica tried to flash them both a smile. “There’s more,” Jerrica said, looking at Lauren.

Lauren raised an eyebrow.

Jerrica confessed about the evening in Devin’s apartment, the briefcase, and the new phone.

Lauren slumped more in her seat.

Jerrica could tell Lauren’s mind was trying to piece everything together. Jerrica reached inside the mound of comforter and pulled out the new phone, setting it on the table.

Jaime and Lauren stared at the shiny object.

Jerrica leaned back in her chair, sipping her coffee.

Frustrated, Lauren abruptly stood, snatched the phone off the table. She pulled her arm back to throw it toward the ocean.

“Lauren, stop!”

“Why! You don’t need anything from her!”

“I need that phone! She didn’t return my other one.”

“How damned convenient!”

“I know, but she kind of put me between a rock and hard place. So I need to keep it for now.”

“I hate that woman,” Lauren said, dropping into her chair.

Extending her arm, she tossed the phone on the table.

“I need something stronger than this coffee,” Lauren said as she rose.

“Don’t you think having alcohol this early in the morning is inappropriate?” Jaime whispered.

Lauren swung the door open, catching it in her right hand. “I think we’re good.”

Jerrica tried to hide the giggle.

“Are you feeling well enough to have one?”

“Sure I’ll take whatever you’re having.”

“How about you,” she asked, squinting at Jaime.

 
“I’ll have whatever you make, I guess.”

Lauren shook her head and vanished into the house.

Now that they were alone, Jaime didn’t know what to say to her boss. Her images of Jerrica were changing rapidly and she wasn’t sure how to handle it. When she first started this job, she thought Jerrica was a control freak. Jerrica was fair, intelligent, but she always had to have her eyes on everything and everyone. Nevertheless, as time went on, Jerrica loosened her possessive grip on the department.

When life outside of the office was clouding Jerrica’s judgment, she started handing off projects to her and Lauren more frequently. Then the night she saw her in her office with a women, the picture was becoming clear as to where her mind had wandered.

Jerrica became even more aloof at the office shortly after that. She started hiding behind her office door, shielding herself, Jaime thought. Well she wasn’t sure what she thought as all this transpired. Moreover, now she had all this additional information to add. Here she was, sitting at a beachfront cottage with a person she realized she really didn’t know. Who at this very moment was an emotional wreck wrapped in a large blanket, right in front of her.

“Say it, Jaime. I know you have something to say. It’s written on your face.”

“I’m just trying to understand you.”

“What is there to understand?”

“When I started working for you, I thought you were a tower of strength. I idolized you.”

“I’m guessing that’s all changed now?”

“I think I’ve realized you’re not the untouchable woman I thought you were. That you are human just like the rest of us, and your heart can be broken just as easily.”

Jerrica ran her thumb across the rim of her mug and then placed the cup on the table. Leaning back in her chair she glanced at Jaime. “I never said I was untouchable. I’m not perfect, Jaime. I’m sorry you’re disappointed in my actions.”

Hopping off the railing, she walked toward Jerrica. Kneeling in front to her, Jaime took Jerrica’s hand in hers.

Jerrica look directly into Jaime’s face.

“Jerrica, I’m not disappointed.”

“I’m only human,” Jerrica said as tears filled her eyes. She was tensing, wanting to pull away.

Placing her other hand over Jerrica’s, Jaime sensed the physical tension. “Let me explain. I’m an only child, and I didn’t have many friends growing up. You’ve been the only one who has taken a chance on me and given me help to grow, personally and professionally. I’ve had you up on a pedestal for such a long time now. “

Jerrica noticed the tears filling Jaime’s eyes as she lowered her head. Jerrica slid a hand out of her grasp. Lightly placing her hand on the top of Jaime’s head, feeling the softness of her hair under her fingertips, she whispered. “I would like to have the opportunity to try to redeem myself in your eyes.”

Tears rolled down Jaime’s face. She leaned forward as Jerrica opened her blanket to hold her in her arms.

Jerrica glimpsed Lauren standing in the doorway with drinks in her hand.

“I leave you alone for two minutes and already you’re hitting on the young girl.”

Jaime stood and took one of the glasses out of Lauren’s grasp. With a devilish smile Jaime responded, “If I were gay, you would be my first choice to help me cross over, sexy.” Quickly leaning forward she planted a big kiss on Lauren’s lips.

Jerrica grabbed one of the drinks from Lauren’s hand just before she stepped back and started faking spitting in disgust. Jerrica and Jaime broke into laughter.

Lauren swallowed a big gulp of her drink and joined in the laughter. In jest, Lauren slapped Jaime on the back of her head as she passed by.

Jaime just laughed and hoisted herself back up on the railing, being careful not to spill her drink.

Lauren plopped down in her chair and stared at Jerrica with a somber expression.

“What?”

“I’m sorry.”

“About what, may I ask?”

“Not being able to help you more with your ex-husband.”

“Lauren you were my savior when I needed one. You couldn’t have done much more.”

“I feel like I should have, if you had just told me everything you were going through.”

“You let me hide out in your beach house for months when he was trying to find me. You fielded calls for me when he called the office a hundred times a day. You were my leaning post. What more could you have done?”

Lauren sipped her drink, mulling the question. Then a smile came across her face. “I could have killed the son of a bitch!”

All three of them broke into hysterical laughter.

†

Jerrica wasn’t sure how many drinks she had consumed during the past couple hours, but she was feeling rather happy. She turned her head to see Jaime sitting on the floor leaning up against the column, staring blankly at her glass.

“She looks plastered,” Lauren observed.

“She’s only had…what, three or four drinks. Jaime, you’re a light-weight.”

Lauren got to her feet, walking to Jaime. “Come on you. Let’s get you at least seated in a chair.”

She bent down to help Jaime stand. Lauren balanced Jaime’s weight against her. Taking the now empty glass from Jaime’s hand, she placed an arm around her thin waist, guiding her into the chair.

Jerrica stood as Lauren eased Jaime into the chair across from her. Jerrica removed the comforter and carefully tucked it around Jaime. Turning toward Lauren, she nodded. “Let’s take a walk on the beach.”

“That sounds great. I need to shake off this buzz anyways. I’ll go grab our jackets.” Lauren stepped into the house.

Jerrica reached out, placing a hand on the column.
I’ve been sitting too long
.
 

Lauren returned to the porch wearing her jacket and tossed Jerrica hers.,

“Now you sit in that chair until we get back. You should be warm enough with that comforter,” Lauren whispered in Jaime’s ear.

Jaime just nodded her head and closed her eyes.

“She’ll be fine. We won’t be gone long,” Lauren told Jerrica.

They both left the porch, heading for the path to the beach.

“Be careful on the path, the rocks have shifted a little during the winter,” Lauren said as she held out a hand to help Jerrica safely cross them.

When they reached the sand on the beach, Jerrica paused, closing her eyes and breathing in deeply. She loved the peaceful feeling she had being this close to the ocean.

“What are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking how much I love this place, the house, the beach, just everything,” Jerrica said.

“There is a certain kind of peace here, isn’t there,” Lauren said, lifting her face toward the sun.

“Come on, let’s walk.”

With hands still interlocked, they started their stroll. They did not speak as they wandered down the beach; they were just enjoying the moment. Every few steps Jerrica picked up a rock, throwing it into the ocean.

Lauren started to hum a familiar tune.

Jerrica couldn’t quite recognize the song, but enjoyed listening to the soothing tones.

Lauren spun suddenly to face Jerrica, pulling her into a secure embrace.

Startled, Jerrica enclosed her arms around Lauren’s waist. They stood on the beach holding one another for a very long time.

Lauren tilted her head in toward Jerrica’s neck to speak softly in her ear, “I’m worrying about you all the time lately.”

“I’m fine, honest.”

“I’m not sure even you believe that.”

“I do believe it because it’s true.”

“Are you going back to her,” she whispered.

The question just floated in the air between them. “I don’t want you to do it. I want you to leave her in the past. I’ve seen what she does to you when she tosses you away like an old newspaper.” Lauren’s concern was apparent in her tone.

Jerrica put her head down, leaning harder on her shoulder, not knowing what to say.

“You deserve better. I know you think Devin was your first real love. I think you’re confusing love with your first physical experience being fully open to yourself and to another woman. I know she will always hold a special place in your heart. However, know this, Jerrica, people like Devin are never going to be the people you want them to be or the people they should be.”

Jerrica could feel the tears stinging her eyes. She couldn’t stop them, not this time.

Lauren felt Jerrica’s body tremble and felt the tears on her skin as Jerrica turned into her neck. “That’s it. Let it all out, baby girl. Let the pain go. I am here. I’ll always be here for you.”

Lauren held her tightly, rocking back and forth allowing everything pour out, all the hurt and pain Jerrica had held in for so long. She held her tight until there were no more tears left to shed.
 

Jerrica felt weak but safe in Lauren’s arms.

“How do you feel?”

Jerrica pulled away enough so she could look into her face. “You are a special person, Lauren. How do you know me so well?”
 

“I just do.”

“Thank you. I’ve been holding that in for so long,” she said, lowering her tear stained face, placing her head back on Lauren’s shoulder.

Lauren ran her hand over Jerrica’s hair, hoping that her warm touch would give her some comfort.

“I think we should head back to check on Jaime,” Jerrica remarked as she stepped out of Lauren’s arms.

†

Lauren lowered her arms to her side. She knew this was just a little piece of what Jerrica still had to deal with but she knew it was a start to the healing process. Lauren looked at the water, letting herself enjoy the peacefulness of the day. She felt a warm sensation cover her left hand. Looking down, she saw that Jerrica had slipped her hand around hers.

“Let’s go….home,” she said, making Lauren smile.

Lauren realized as they walked back toward the house, that she loved Jerrica. Loved and worried about her like the daughter that she and Brandon had never had. Smiling, Lauren glanced at Jerrica, who was looking at her.