Finding Ever After (44 page)

           
“Hey I’d look damn sexy in a dress. You’d be lucky to have me as a bridesmaid.”
He was dead serious and I had a hard time keeping a straight face.

           
“Yeah, yeah we know, but think of all the chicks you’ll get in a tux.” Ace
reminded him.

           
“Sorry Bas. Jax gets to wear the dress. I can’t deny the ladies the sight of me
looking all James Bond.” I rolled my eyes. Sad truth was
,
any of these guys in a tux would scramble the brains of even the most sensible
females. They should come with a warning. Probably wouldn’t even make a
difference.

           
I was dragged back out on the dance floor several times by each of the guys.
When it was Bas’ turn I realized that maybe he wasn’t as fooled by my act as I
thought.

           
“Jazz, this is
gonna
be you someday. You’re not
always going to hurt, and if
Ky
doesn’t realize his mistake, there will be someone else who won’t make the same
one.”

           
I didn’t respond, not sure whether it was because I didn’t want to or couldn’t
without tearing up. I just danced with my best friend. The moment was broken
when Spade came up from behind and started grinding on me.

           
The night ended at two o’clock in the morning when
Vi
dropped me off at home. I pushed through my front door, closed it behind me and
slid down to the floor. Deep, wrenching sobs ripped from my chest and poured
out of me.

           
God I don’t see a way for Bas’ words to ever be true. I can’t imagine loving
anyone else this much. I don’t want forever with anyone but him.

           
Then I prayed it wouldn’t always be
that way. I prayed until there were no words left, only the pain in my heart,
but I was sure it was screaming loud enough for Him to hear, even without
words.

           
The next seven days disappeared in a flash, and way too soon Bas and I were
dropping Chris, Ace and Spade at the airport. They had a flight to Phoenix to catch.
They were spending the last day of their break with the guys there. This time
it would be over three months before they were
back
home. They were going straight from the west coast tour over to Europe so they
could spend time overseas sightseeing before the tour picked up again in Spain.
Somehow I managed to say goodbye without all the tears.

           
I was giving them all one last hug just outside the security gate when Ace
pulled me aside. “Come to Europe with us for the new year.”

           
“What?” I was too stunned to say anything else.

           
“Just think about it. You’ve got to have vacation time or something.”

           
“You mean like spend your guys’ break over there with you?”

           
“Yeah.
Come with us, we’ll go do all that touristy
shit; Eifel Tower,
The
Louvre, Big Ben, whatever you
want. It would be good for you, and I want you there. We
all
want you
there.” I smelled a pity invite.

           
“Look I appreciate the offer, but really I’ll be fine here. You don’t have to do
this, and we both know not everyone wants me there.”

           
“I know I don’t
have
to invite you, but I want to. The three of us
already talked about it and we think it would be good for both of you. Contrary
to what you think he does or doesn’t feel, I meant it when I said all of us
want you there, even if he won‘t admit it.” He insisted. “If he doesn’t come to
his senses and being around him is really a problem for you, we’ll take off and
do our own thing.” So it wasn’t pity, not entirely, but definitely a set up.

           
“I know you guys mean well, but things aren’t going to change between
Ky
and me. It’s over. It was over
before it even started. I’m trying to move on. You might think we belong
together, but if I love him and still know we aren’t right for each other, you
should accept it too.” I countered. I could tell he wanted to argue it more but
he was out of time. His flight was about to board. He pulled me into him and
promised to call every night again, before following Chris and Spade through
the security check.

           
They went back to the life of a different city every night and I went back to
trying to find something that made me
feel
as alive as
I had over the summer. Looking back on it, I could see the difference in myself
from the first time I met him, all of them. I came home to Boston so unsure of
myself and lost. They accepted me into their misfit family just like that. I
had no idea what I was looking for, but they were it.
Every
last one of them, with their foul mouths, quick tempers and crude humor.
They were the best group of guys I had ever met and they made me feel safe and
loved. They gave me a place to belong.

           
Then there was Kyden, oh that boy pushed my buttons from day one. He turned me
inside out and upside down, but he also ignited this fire inside of me. Even
when we were arguing and I wanted to push him into traffic I felt it. Fighting
with him helped me to find my fight again. I remembered who I wanted to be and
I think I got closer to being that girl. Strong, confident, patient, kind,
forgiving; all the things my mother taught me to be.

           
It was hard to let him go, excruciatingly so, but it was just as hard, if not
harder, to feel all that slipping away. I was going through the motions of my
life, letting the loss of one thing, one
guy,
keep me
from living my life to the fullest.

           
I loved a boy, the wrong boy. I fell hard and fast, and it was okay. Ignoring
how much I hurt wouldn’t make it go away, but accepting it, that might be a
start. Loving someone was never a mistake, I needed to acknowledge that. I
didn’t regret it. I wasn’t sorry that I loved him and I wouldn’t take it back.

           
The boy I loved didn’t love me because he didn’t know how. He broke my heart
and then he left, but that was okay too. I didn’t feel okay. I wasn’t even in
the same hemisphere as okay, but on the other side of it all, I would be. At
least I hoped I would be. I couldn’t see what that would look like. I couldn’t picture
a day that I wouldn’t still love him and want him this badly, but I had just
enough faith to believe that I wasn’t meant to hurt forever. Until then I was
going to go after all the other things I wanted.

           
I was going to be the best friend I could. I would make sure Izzy knew how much
I adored her every chance I got. In Portland I’d enjoyed my self-defense and
kickboxing classes. I took care of my body and I found strength and confidence
in that, and I was determined to get that back. It might do nothing to make me
love Kyden less, but it would do everything to make me love myself more.

           
As soon as I got home from the airport, I started by enrolling in a
krav
maga
class in the city. I
signed
Vi
up too. I informed her over text, but
followed the information with an invitation to help me find a Halloween
costume, so she probably didn’t even notice the bit about the class.

           
Halloween was only a few days away and after I’d picked out the perfect
costume, a fairy princess, I arranged to go trick-or-treating with Lucy, Shane
and Izzy. I was wrong though,
Vi
had noticed the part
about signing her up for
krav
maga
.
She agreed to it on the condition that after trick-or-treating- I go to the
Halloween party at her house’s brother fraternity, which ended up being more
enjoyable than I thought it would. I even managed to get
Vi
excited about our first
krav
maga
class by telling her she would be able to take out the girls who were eyeing
Jake. She was on board after that.

           
I hadn’t been inside a gym in six months and it took a little bit of time to
re-familiarize my body with the different positions and movements. During the
first class we spent a lot of time working through the proper movements. It
felt a little awkward initially, but after a few minutes of moving forward and
back and then the same thing from side to side, I relaxed and my body started
responding more naturally.

           
“That looks really good. Just pick up your back heel and relax your shoulders a
little more.” Drew instructed me. He and another girl were going around the
room checking stances as we were introduced to the basics. I listened to his
directions and adjusted my body. “Yeah, like that. Okay now bring your hands up
a little higher. You want them six to eight inches in front of your face.” Once
again I listened and raised my hands up. “You definitely want to protect that
face.” He winked and then moved on to the next student once he was satisfied
that I had the fighting stance down.

           
“He was totally checking you out.”
Vi
giggled from
behind me. “He’s really cute.”

           
I didn’t even acknowledge her. I kept my eyes up front on the head instructor,
James, as he started demonstrating some basic punches. There were about twenty
people in the class, pretty diverse in age, but the majority was male. Besides
the two of us, I only counted four other girls.

           
After James showed us the basic striking and blocking techniques, he had us
partner up and
grab
a set of padded mitts so we could
alternate practicing punches. I paired with
Vi
and
went first, throwing the jab cross combos we had been working on.

           
“You’re picking this up really fast. You’ve got the form and breathing down
great. Have you had previous classes?” Drew asked when he came back around.

           
“I lived in Portland, Oregon for a while, and when I was there I took a basic
self-defense class. After that I did beginners kickboxing, then an intermediate
course. Right before I moved back here I had just started taking
krav
maga
, but I only made it to
three classes.”

           
“Ah, that explains why you’re picking it up so fast.” Just then James called
for a five minute water break before we switched. Drew followed us over to our
bags where our water bottles were stashed, but
Vi
grabbed hers and went to introduce herself to a couple of the other girls in
the class, leaving me standing there with Drew.

           
Vi
was right, he was cute, really cute. He looked
about six foot or just under, pretty well muscled with blonde hair, cropped
close to his head, clean shaven face and pretty blue eyes. He had a nice smile
that probably would have made my stomach flutter if all my stomach flutters
didn’t belong to someone else.

           
“So are you into it for the workout or the self-defense?” He asked.

           
“Both, mostly the self-defense though.
Girl in the city,
safety and all that.”
I answered, not sure if he was flirting or just
being friendly.

           
“Yeah that’s smart. Everyone, girls especially, should know how to handle
themselves.
There’s
a lot of sick people out there.” I
wasn’t about to tell him that I didn’t need to be reminded of that. I knew
first hand.

           
When the break was over
Vi
and I resumed our positions
out on the mat. Drew continued to weave his way through the room but found his
way back to my spot several times.  

           
“
Sooo
, Drew seemed really nice.”
Vi
said as we tossed our gym bags into the back of her car.

           
“Yes he did, but please don’t go there. I’m not ready to start talking about
guys again, or even think about dating so just drop it.” I sighed.

           
“Kay.
Got it.
Consider sexy fighter boy dropped.” She
grumbled and climbed in to the driver’s seat.

           
“Vi, I’m sorry. It’s just not something I can think about yet. It still hurts
too much, but I promise, when I am ready, you’ll be the first to know.”

           
“Promise?”

           
“I promise.” I just hoped she wasn’t expecting it to be any time soon.

           
Classes were every Tuesday and Thursday at six. After the first week
Vi
texted, calling me all kinds of colorful names for
convincing her to agree to be tortured. I was feeling it in just about every
muscle too. The second week was pretty rough as well. The instructors pushed us
hard and we moved along at a quick pace. By the third week I wasn’t as sore
when I got home and
Vi
didn’t text me any nasty
messages.

           
Once my body finally quit screaming and got used to the level of workout, I
felt strong. Not only that, but it was an outlet for everything still eating at
me.
Missing my friends, the petty jealousy every time a
picture of Kaylie and Kyden popped up online, my frustration that Connor was
still out there, my anger and confusion toward my father.
I still hadn’t
resolved that mess of emotions. Those two nights a week I let it all out; it
was freeing.

           
I’m not quite sure when exactly it happened, but eventually I didn’t have to
pretend quite so hard to be holding it together because I actually was. The
sharp pain in my chest faded to a dull ache, and I didn’t have a breakdown
every time I thought of him. I actually felt good, or as close to it as I had
known in months.

           
Vi
continued to go with me to
krav
maga
, mostly for moral support. She was a little too
pampered to enjoy sweating like that. Her version of exercise was extreme
shopping, but she didn’t complain.
Much.

           
“Hey, at least on Black Friday if anyone tries to keep me from the deals I
want, I’ll be able to take them out.”
Vi
joked when we
left our Tuesday class just before Thanksgiving.

           
At least I thought she had been joking, but when she picked me up from dinner
at Bas’ dad’s on Thursday night and dragged me to every store within ten miles
that was offering any sort of deal, I saw just how serious it was. Black Friday
shoppers are insane, and I made a mental note to refuse to go next year. I
crawled into bed Friday morning at ten and I was more exhausted than I had ever
been after a kickboxing or
krav
maga
class. I’d been pushed and shoved more than in any class as well. I was sure
I’d have the bruises to show for it. At least I finished almost all of my
Christmas shopping.

           
It was a good thing too, because December was packed with showings and gallery
events. I worked a lot of overtime so that I could take a couple weeks off when
Sadie came on the twentieth, which was only days away now.

           
Ace was still trying to convince me to hit up Europe with them for the New Year
and I was still firmly against it. That didn’t stop the torrent of picture
messages that came from him. Every day it was the Eifel Tower, Notre Dame, The
Coliseum, Sistine Chapel, Palace of Versailles or any one of the other major
landmarks or tourist attraction. He was wearing me down too. I really wanted to
see all those places, and I knew Europe with those guys would definitely be an
adventure, but Kyden was still a hang up for me.