Finding Evan (8 page)

“Yeah, it’s fine. I can deal with this.”

Ollie hesitates, and then walks away. Evan stays quiet until Ollie is out of earshot.

“What’s going on?” I snap at him. We face each other, both with arms crossed over our chests.

“You tell me. Is this the thing that happened?” His voice is low, and in the shadows, it’s difficult to make out his expression.

He’s talking nonsense. “What thing?”

“When I came to see you the morning after the Medsoc thing, he said something happened. Then you wouldn’t talk to me. I get it now. You. And him.”

I stiffen. “For fuck’s sake, Evan! No.”

“I just saw you both! Hugging!”

“Big deal! He’s my friend.” I cannot believe we are doing this. Well, I’m not doing this. I begin to walk away.

Evan catches up in two strides, but doesn’t touch me. “We need to talk about this!”

I halt. “Evan, you’re drunk and reading too much into stuff. I’m going home. You should too.”

“I need to know.”

“Know what?”

“What happened the other night? He’s involved – he admitted as much. What did you do?”

Now he’s closer; I can see the hurt in Evan’s eyes, the look I saw the other week. I should’ve told him earlier, stopped pretending to myself nothing happened. I’d decided to let him know the next time we saw each other. But not like this. This isn’t an Evan I want anything to do with. And if this mistrust underlies how he feels, it doesn’t matter what I say to him.

“Go home, Evan.”

“Ness, talk to me; I need to know.”

I’m on the edge of losing my temper with him, but we already have curious onlookers.

I lower my voice. “Know what? About me and Ollie? That’s pathetic! I’m disgusted you even think this of me. If this is the amount of trust in me you have, we need to reconsider things.”

The hurt in his eyes turns to something else as he reaches out to me, placing his hand on my crossed arm. “No, I love you; I do trust you…it’s just…I don’t know! My life is a fucking mess again!”

He’s drunk, stupid, and unreasonable. I button my coat and consider my next move. Walking away from him is the only answer.

“Call me when you’re sober. And logical.”

Pulling from his grasp, I stalk off, half-expecting him to follow me. To his credit, he doesn’t.

What does he mean his life is a fucking mess again?

Chapter Eleven

EVAN

Fuck this. I storm across campus, narrowly missing people coming the other way. I’m not too stable – on my feet or in my fucking head. I head straight back to the Union. To Matt. I didn’t want this to be true, but I’ve kidded myself long enough. I’m not part of her new world, am I?

Ness wants to
‘reconsider things’.

Shit.

Matt’s face lights up when he sees me walk through the door, and he beckons me over. He’s shifted to the table with the two girls from before. I gruffly ask if he wants another beer, and as I wait at the bar, I study them in my semi-drunk state.

The blonde girl I train at the gym is definitely checking me out.

When I sit back with them, Matt introduces me to one of the girls – Ella. She nods a brief hello and sips her Cruiser through pink-painted lips. I choose a seat away from the other girl, but she’s locked me in her sights.

“Hey, Evan. Don’t you
recognize me?” she asks.

“Of course. Hello, Dani.”

“Sorry I’ve missed some training sessions.” She brushes her hair over her shoulder, pulling long, pink-painted fingernails through her hair.

“Your loss,” I say, and take a drink.

Dani’s face transforms into a smile.

Shit, I didn’t mean
me
. “To your health, I mean,” I add hastily.

“Sure, Evan.” The smile grows.

This girl is so different to Ness. I think the only thing they have in common is the fact they’re both female. Dani’s hair, make-up, and persona are all false. Exactly the sort of girl I loved to have falling at my feet last year.

“Where’s your girlfriend?” she asks, fingers playing around her glass.

“Not here.”

Again, my attempt at cutting Dani short is misread and she bites down coyly on her lip. “Really?”

I sink back in the seat, knock back the contents of my glass, and stare at the ceiling. All I can see in my mind’s eye is Ollie’s hands on Ness. How can she deny anything is going on?

“You okay, man?” asks Matt.

“Yeah. Get me another.” I thrust the glass at him.

“Awesome! Staying for a few?” He waggles his eyebrows and I groan.

“If we don’t stay here all night, yeah.”

“Don’t intend to.” He winks at the girl he’s with.

Beer is cheap here. I’ll stay. Get drunk. Fend off the blonde girl. She could throw herself at me naked and I wouldn’t be interested. She’s not Ness.

***

The beer glasses stack up, and Dani’s determination mounts. I lean my elbows on the table and push my hands into my hair, avoiding her seductive looks and the tugging of her dress to reveal more of her tits. Shit. Matt now has his arm around Ella’s waist and whispers into her ear. I close my eyes and yawn, hoping he persuades her to leave with him soon.

As if reading my thoughts, Matt pulls the girl to her feet and she stumbles into him, placing a hand on his chest. Ella giggles, and Matt resumes his hold around her shoulders. Did I really go for girls like this?

I dig my hands firmly in my pockets and stand. To ensure Dani doesn’t get any wrong ideas, I turn away from her. I think she’s finally got the hint because Dani whispers something to her friend, who then looks between me and Matt. Then she locks her arm through her friends and they head towards the bathrooms.

“Can you take Dani home?” asks Matt as soon as they’re out of earshot.

“What the fuck? No!”

Matt’s full of drunken bravado and I know exactly what his intentions are.

“C’mon, Evan, mate. Ella is coming with me and Dani needs someone to take her home.”

I blink. They can’t both come home with us, because then I’d be in an even worse position – just the four of us, and Matt hooking up with Ella. I know what the expectation will be from me. “Okay, I’ll take her to the bus stop.”

“They live in walking distance.”

“Then go to Ella’s house instead!”

Matt shakes his head. “Nah, I reckon she wants a sleepover at ours.”

He winks.

“For fuck’s sake, Matt!”

The girls reappear, and my decision to come back to the Union is added to the long list of stupid things I’ve done today. Dani doesn’t look at me and I can’t tell if she’s changed her mind, or got the hint I’m not interested, or whatever. I bloody hope so.

The two girls stumble up the steps in front of us and I absently watch their asses. Just look. Nothing else. We step outside and the temperature contrast between the Union and the campus hits me. I want to go home. Maybe call Ness. If she’ll talk to me. Some kind of intense negotiation happens between the two girls and Matt leans against the wall, arms crossed, waiting. The girls part and Dani approaches me.

“So are you okay to take me home?” She folds her arms around herself, shivering in the skimpy dress.

I sigh. “Okay, if you’re on your own and have no one else to walk with you.”

In answer to my question, Matt slopes off with Ella, supporting the girl who’s snuggling into his arm.

“I have a girlfriend,” I tell Dani as we move away. Maybe I do; maybe I don’t. But I’m too busy being Ness’s to look for another girl.

“I saw her the other day. Not the type you used to go for.” Dani shifts her small handbag onto her shoulder.

I scour my brain. Did I meet Dani last year? A frightening thought crosses my mind. Did we…? No, I’m pretty sure we didn’t. The thought summons up the first awkward car ride with Ness – when I told her I forget what I do when I’m wasted, and she thought I had sex with every girl I met.

Ness.

“Well, she’s the type I go for now.”

Dani rubs her hands together, blowing on them. “Shame. We could’ve had some fun.”

Jeez, she’s not exactly subtle. “Let’s go.”

As we walk away from the lit-front of the Union, Dani scoops her arm through mine and I stop in surprise, pulling my arm away. Too
cozy. She trips; the combination of alcohol and high heels appears to be too much, and I manage to stop Dani from face planting on the ground by grabbing her under the arms. Dani pulls herself up, grasping my jacket as she does, ending with her face buried against my chest.

“Nice moves, Evan.”

As soon as I hear Ness’s voice, I know my shit evening is about to get fucking unbearable.

I peel the girl from me and turn. Ness is with Ollie. Well, she can fucking talk… She’s standing near a street light and her face is pulled into a look of disgust.

“Missing me?” she says sarcastically.

“This isn’t what you think.”

“Forget the clichés, Evan.”

I laugh at her. “Yeah. And you? Coming for a quiet evening with Ollie now that you’ve got rid of me?”

“She’s looking for you,” Ollie replies tersely.

Ness continues to look between Dani and me. She sweeps her gaze down Dani’s figure and narrows her eyes. Then she turns her gaze to me. “Started on the poetry yet?”

I laugh at her.

“Go to hell, Evan.”

Staring at her blankly, my head spins. Shit. How many have I had?

“I don’t know what the fuck has got into you, Evan. You're not behaving like the same person who was in Europe with me."

I consider this in my drunken mind. That’s because I’m not. Or because I wasn’t before. Or something. I don’t know who the hell I am. The night is too dark to see Ness’s face clearly, but I don’t need to. Her voice is enough to make the feelings clear. I wish I knew what to say, but reality is out of my grasp currently.

“What is going on with you?” she asks. “We’ve been back in Leeds less than two months and you’re bored of me? Tried making me out as the one doing something wrong to give yourself permission to do this. Is that it?”

“No!”

“Well what’s this?” She waves a hand at me and Dani.

“I’m taking her home.” As soon as the words are out, I realize how bad they sound. Too late.

“Oh, my God!” Ness turns to Ollie. “Let’s go.”

“What about you? And him?” I demand at her turned back.

She spins around. “You’re blaming your childish, jealous
behavior on me? He’s a friend. Members of the opposite sex can be friends! Or is that not a possibility in Evan’s world?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Just go home. With or without her. I’m too tired to care.”

My drunk brain isn’t doing the best job at keeping up. Definitely not enough for any kind of smart comeback. But seeing them together hurts like hell. She's changed too. The relaxed Ness who shared her whole self with me got swallowed by her new life. “Fine. Don’t believe me.”

“I’m not the one with the track record of hooking up when I’m drunk!”

“I am not hooking up.” I turn to Dani. “Dani?”

She shrugs and yawns. Ness steps forward, and I brace myself, unsure what she’s about to do. Whatever she’s thinking, she changes her mind and says something to Ollie I can’t hear. Ollie glances at me.

“Is he taking you home?” I call. “He’s been waiting for this! Well done, mate!”

“You asshole!” With one last glare, Ness walks away, Ollie following. Not touching. I toy with the idea of running after her, but I don’t want to do this in front of other people. Their figures blend into the shadows.

“Fuck my life,” I growl to myself.

Dani watches me warily. “You still okay to walk me home?”

For a fleeting moment, the idea of revenge sex crosses my drunken mind. I’ve been accused of it anyway. But the remaining sober part knows going down that route would be the end. If Ness hasn’t made the decision already. What if she’s traded me up for the better guy with the stupid name?

***

NESS

I sit numbly on the sofa. Numb from the cold and numb with the disgust at what I witnessed. Why did I let Ollie persuade me to look for Evan? I should’ve come straight home. Did I fool myself all along that Evan would change? Putting Lucy before himself, hooking up with random girls. Perhaps the old Evan is more of an integral part of his fucked up persona than I gave him credit for. How can things spiral so quickly? Oh yeah, that’s how. Evan. One argument and he does this? How many times did he do the same when we split last year?

But it fucking hurts. Seeing another girl with him. Yeah, I could’ve misread the situation, but it seems a bit of a coincidence when he accuses me of doing the same to him. And only a couple of hours later. Do I know him at all? The two Evan’s don’t match up. Which one is he?

Ollie walks me home, and since Abby isn’t around, he’s hovering. I wish he’d go away too. He hands me a mug of tea, and sits in the armchair nearby. “It might not be what you think. Evan and the girl.”

“Is this your man code? Sticking up for him.”

“No, he mistook us. Maybe you mistook them. I’m not denying he’s behaving like a dickhead though.”

I inhale and hold the breath, dismissing the image of Evan’s hands on another girl. As I breathe out, no tension leaves.

“He’s complicated.”

“Aren’t we all?” Ollie takes a drink.

I appraise him, remembering what he said about a girlfriend. Is he talking about himself or her?

“I think I want to go to bed. Sleep on this.” I’m on the verge of tears. Again. This is not me. And I don’t want to turn into ‘weeping girl’ in front of Ollie. Again.

“You guys need to talk this through. If you think he’s worth it.”

“Worth it?” I frown at Ollie.

“He seems quite immature. Insecure. People like him are hard work.”

I set my mug on the table. “Don’t start! He’s a good guy.”

Ollie raises an eyebrow at my terse words, and I
realize what he’s doing. “Then you haven’t given up. Reacting like that. I’m sure he’s a great guy. I don’t know him.”

Evan. Nobody knows the real Evan. I think the real Evan hasn’t found himself yet. I hoped I was helping him, but he needs to help himself.

“He’s had a tough time. Things I can’t talk to you about. But he’s a good person,” I say.

“So you don’t believe you just saw him hooking up with another girl?” He sips from his mug.

Is Ollie being devil’s advocate here? “No.” Now I’m calm; I can’t believe that’s what I saw.

Ollie shakes his head slowly. “Then I hope he can be mature enough to sort this out. Rather than lose you.”

His words. I can’t tell if he’s talking about me, or alluding to his past. “Did you lose someone?”

I said the wrong thing. Ollie’s hand stiffens around his mug. “I did, yes. But then I found someone else.”

“That’s good?”

He turns his face to me, and there’s a look I’ve seen in Evan’s eyes before. “I think I’ve lost her too. Not in the same way.”

“Your girlfriend?”

“Hmm.” Ollie stands. “I should go too. Long night.”

“Okay.” I set my mug down and walk towards the door. Maybe they’re not so different after all, Evan and Ollie.