Finding Evan (20 page)

Chapter Thirty-One

MARCH

NESS

The chatter of the audience grows, as everyone heads out of the theatre for the interval. Evan has his arm across my shoulders, hugging me close. When we’re together, he rarely lets go of me; throughout the play, he held my hand, absentmindedly rubbing the back. I don’t mind; I don’t want him to ever let me go.

Everything changed. I left the hospital, and left behind a part of myself. The part that stands in the way of me and Evan as much as Lucy does. I think the doctors played down how sick I was, but several weeks later, I’ve pushed the event aside as much as I can. But it haunts me – the pregnancy, the loss, and the danger I was in. They wanted me to talk to someone, the doctor gently explaining to me how the loss of my fallopian tube makes conceiving in the future difficult. I already know this, and it isn’t something I want to think about. So I ignored the appointment, wanting to put this behind me and move on. Life’s taken on a new perspective, since lying in a hospital bed counting the good things in my life and letting go of the bad. Letting go of the Ness who won’t give herself to someone in case she gets hurt. If Evan is willing to change, I need to accept I have to. That I contributed to the mess we got into.

“Wine?” asks Evan, guiding me towards the bar.

“Thanks.”

I stand at one of the high tables watching Evan order, and the love I have surges. I can’t look at him anymore without being overwhelmed. As if my eyes have been opened to exactly what I have – Evan. Loving, gentle, loyal…and sexy as hell. I smile to myself; he’s the whole package. I appreciatively look over the hug of his jeans, resting my gaze on the muscled forearms as he pays for the drinks. The arms that hold me, hands that caress me. When he turns, he frowns at me, and I rub my lips together to fight a smile. Evan
realizes what I was doing, and his knowing smirk pulls the corner of his mouth up as he walks over.

“Feeling okay today?” he asks, passing a large glass of white wine.

“Fine. But you’re obviously not.”

“Why?”

I point at the wine glass he’s holding. “Wine? You only drink wine if there’s no beer available.”

He clinks glasses with me. “I’m watching Shakespeare at the theatre with my gorgeous girlfriend. And being refined.”

I splutter. “I don’t think you were being very refined when your hand was sneaking under my dress and up my thigh half-way through the performance.”

“I can’t help myself around you,” he whispers, breath tickling my ear.

“It was very distracting!”

Moving his face from my ear, he places a chaste kiss on my lips, and then sips his wine. “Enjoying the play?”

“I like the main characters.”

“Remind you of anyone?” He raises an eyebrow.

Last year, Evan quoted a line from ‘
Much Ado About Nothing’
, disarming me with poetry before he kissed me the first time. Back when I held him at arm’s length, engaging in battles of wit. Before he broke through my defenses and I fell in love.

“No.” I pout.

Laughing, he hugs me to him. “We’ve come a long way since last year.”

“I think that’s an understatement.”

We don’t talk about what happened last month anymore. The subject came up, of course, but only once. Why dwell on the past?

“You’re different,” Evan says quietly. “Recently.”

“We both had changes to make. I hope you mean a good different.” I know he does; I don’t doubt any of how he feels. Not anymore.

“You’ve opened up. Less the uptight madam you were,” he teases.

“Cheeky!” I poke him in the chest and he catches my arm, kissing my palm.

“I like the new Ness a little better.”

How much did he hold back on saying how I upset him? Until the day we argued, when Lucy blew everything up in our faces, I never considered him. So caught up in building my protective shell, in case he hurt me again. And look where it led. Cold, irrational Ness, who denied him the chance to explain what happened. I know Lucy will always be there, and accept that sometimes she’ll need Evan. But he’s also there when I need him. And he loves me.

“The new Evan’s not bad either.”

“Nothing new about me. I’m still the person you met.” I open my mouth to say something and he covers it with his palm. “Not the person you thought you met. Just a bit more sober.” I look pointedly at his glass of wine and he smiles, releasing his hand. “For now.”

I sip mine. “So, Mum called today. About the party next week.”

Evan’s happy expression drops away. He hasn’t seen my parents since the hospital. “Am I invited?”

“Of course! Silly! It’s my twenty-first. Besides, they don’t talk about what happened.” I focus on my wine glass, resisting the urge to drain the contents.

Evan wisely doesn’t comment. “Big birthday.”

“Big party.” Not what I want. Another excuse for my parents to invite the whole village to their house, another extravagant party I won’t feel comfortable at.

“Come on, the new Ness is a fun Ness.” I scowl at him. “If I’m prepared to go and face your parents, I’m sure you can face the horrors of gifts, food, and dancing all in your honor.”

Evan moves to kiss me, and as he does, I nip his bottom lip so he pulls away again.

“I love you,” I say quietly.

Stroking my hair from my face, he studies me, and Evan’s heart is in his eyes again. “‘I do love nothing in the world so well as you. Is that not strange?’”

I huff at him quoting the play. “You couldn’t resist, could you?”

“I could’ve chosen a different line. One you might not have liked so much.” He watches for a reaction from me and I return a blank look. “Have you ever read it?”

“No. But they’re not very nice to each other in what I’ve watched so far. So I guess there’s a lot worse things you could’ve said.” I dig him in the ribs.

“Hmm. That’s not what I meant.” Evan bites on the corner of his lip, as if he’s trying not to say something. “Well, I won’t spoil the ending.”

The bell sounds, indicating we should return to our seats. I finish my wine, take Evan’s hand, and we walk back through the doors to the theatre.

As we do, Evan hugs me to him and kisses my cheek. “I love you, Ness. Forever and always.”

Chapter Thirty-Two

MARCH

NESS

I look out of my bedroom window, across the patchwork fields towards the Cotswolds. The trees lining my parents’ driveway have blossomed; their pink petals always remind me of childhood birthdays. The necklace Evan gave me back in winter rests by the mirror, and I fasten it around my neck, touching the glass and smiling. I know he’s downstairs, waiting uncomfortably, but I want to get ready alone. Without any temptation. Smoothing down the green dress, I adjust the front, not entirely comfortable with the amount of bare flesh on show.

Several weeks since the event that brought us back together, and Evan has proven his words about him and Lucy are true. There’s been no mention of Lancaster, and not one call from Lucy. Is this what it took? Evan to put his foot down and she’d stop. Surely, it can’t be that simple; imagine the pain we could’ve avoided. The brighter Evan, with eyes full of love and life are an indication of how much better he is. This time, I believe he won’t go running to Lucy unless she really needs his help, because I think Lucy accepts this too.

Life has a different perspective now. For both of us. I never
realized how much my need for independence bordered on fear of attachment. How obsessive I got about my course. Being yanked out of one reality into another, and ending up in hospital, opened my eyes to what I almost lost. And Evan waited. Sometimes I think breaking apart made us stronger. Only people who are meant to be can go through the things we have and still be together.

Evan’s face turns into one huge smile as I walk into the room. I pause, give him a mock curtsey, and spin around so my dress flies outwards.

“Looking good, Miss Armstrong.”

Crossing towards him, I grab his blue tie and pull him towards me. “Not so bad yourself, Mr. Hyde.”

Evan holds me away from him, and sweeps a very slow gaze over my figure. The green dress hugs my waist, gathers under my breasts before flowing out, the full chiffon skirt settling above my knees. His eyes predictably go to the top of my dress.

“Are you staring at my rack?” I ask, slapping his hand.

“No, but you have a beautiful necklace.” He slides his hand under the butterfly pendant, fingers lightly touching my skin and leaving heat behind when he holds the pendant up.

“Yeah, some dodgy guy in the pub gave me this.”

Evan pokes me in the ribs. “Hey!”

I run my hand along his arm, smoothing the crisp shirt. “Poor Evan.”

“What?”

“Every time you come to my house, they make you wear proper clothes.”

“You're being very obnoxious tonight. Just because it’s your birthday…” He slaps my backside and enjoys my wide-eyed shock. “I scrub up on special occasions.”

“Slap my rear again and you’re in trouble.”

My best warning frown doesn’t work; he laughs and scoops me up, lifting my feet off the floor. “I like being in trouble with you.”

“No you don’t.”

“Okay, I like when you forgive me. And we have mind-blowing sex.”

“Evan!”

He sets me back down and brushes my dress. “I won’t kiss you; I don’t want to spoil your perfect make-up. Which you don’t need, by the way.”

Poking my tongue out, I take Evan’s hand. “Ready?”

“When you are.”

We walk towards the French doors, and into the party. Silver and blue balloons adorn the walls as tastefully as balloons can, and in the centre are a giant silver “2” and “1” above a table piled with gifts. I groan. A lot of gifts. The opposite end of the room contains a long table spread with food, drinks, and glasses piled in the corner. My parents wave from the opposite doorway, where Mum is greeting the arrivals. The large room is half-full already, and people are looking over. I prepare myself for the birthday greeting onslaught.

Abby charges over and almost knocks me down the moment I walk through the door. She steadies me and plants a kiss on my cheek. “Oops! Happy birthday, Ness.”

“I’ll get us a drink. Champagne of course.” Evan raises an eyebrow at my reddening face, then heads across the room.

“Looking good,” she says.

I twirl in the same way as I did for Evan. “Thanks. Is Jared coming?”

“They both are. And guess what.” She leans forward conspiratorially, her familiar floral perfume wafting into my face. “Ollie’s bringing his girlfriend!”

“Really?” I scan the room.

“They’re not here yet.”

I remember Jem’s twenty-first birthday – a bigger deal than an eighteenth in our house – so I should’ve expected this would be a village social event, complete with full catering. Evan laughed at my grumbling, but I’d prefer a quiet meal with him. As long as the evening didn’t end in the disaster of my birthday last year.

“How are you?” asks Abby, indicating my parents with her head.

“They don’t mention what happened. You’d think I’d had my appendix out or something.”

Abby blamed herself when she visited me in hospital the first time, upset she hadn’t forced me to go to the doctor’s sooner. I told her she was being ridiculous. We’ve had conversations around how sick I became, what I faced, but I shy away from talking about the pregnancy. Following the initial relief, there was sadness this happened. We lost something part of us.

“It’s a bit more serious than that! You might have problems having kids…”

I tip my head. “Abby. Kids are so far off my radar, it isn’t worth thinking about.”

“It was nearly very squarely on your radar, and one day it will be. This is a big deal, Ness. A fallopian tube isn’t your appendix! I don’t think you’re really accepting this.”

I bristle. “Okay, let’s end the conversation there.”

“Sorry.” She kisses my cheek. “I’m here when you do want to talk about it.”

“The past, Abby.”

Abby gives me her look. The one she gives every time she doesn’t think I’m revealing everything. She’s not the only one I won’t discuss this with, the future me and Evan once faced has never been talked about. As soon as the pregnancy ended, I refused to be drawn into any conversations on the subject. I busied myself with recovery and returning my life to normal. A life with Evan. Evan, being Evan, left the subject alone. He knows when to back off. But the conversation will be had one day.

Evan returns with three glasses of champagne and I arch an eyebrow at him. “Champagne? Since when do you drink champagne?”

“To toast the birthday girl.”

Evan wraps his arm around my shoulders, and I wrap mine around Abby’s. In a moment of pure happiness, I celebrate life, and the future with my two best friends.

***

EVAN

Ness doesn’t fully realize how nearly losing her affected me. Ness plays down what happened, but she didn’t go through the horror of seeing the most important person in their world lifeless on the floor. Then have to comprehend she might never hold the person in her arms again.

That shit changes a person. The last few months have changed a lot in my life. The split, the pregnancy, and almost losing Ness has forever sharpened everything into brain slicing focus. Since Christmas and since the
counseling sessions, I’ve accepted part of the blame for the dysfunction of mine and Lucy’s relationship. My need to help the person I loved went too far. The bond between brother and sister, forged by the unhappiness of our childhood and her illness, controlled both of our lives. Control I have back now.

I’ve no idea what’s happening with Lucy, Faye, and the kids. This is the longest I’ve ever stayed away from Lucy and Lancaster, and it will be a lot longer yet. Almost losing a future with Ness, then getting another chance, I finally
realized the past had to go. Maybe in a way, Faye did me a favor. I’m under no illusions; Lucy will need me again at some point. But this will be on my terms. I live my life now. I’ve never put myself first before, and Ness has taught me how.

A month since the disaster that brought us back together, things are how they should be. Me and Ness. Comfortable and happy…closer. As I watch her dancing with Abby, my heart surges with love for this girl. A love I don’t think I could have again for anyone else.

Ness stumbles towards me, empty wine glass in her hand. “Get me another?” she grins.

I wipe a finger down her flushed face and she trips into me. I love how happy she is. How Ness she can be when she wants. “Don’t you think you’ve had one too many?”

She pouts, giggles, and I catch her around the waist. My insides liquefying the moment my arm encircles her. Nuzzling her neck makes her wriggle and she swats at me.

“Got time for your poor, lonely boyfriend?” I ask.

“You could dance!” She tries tugging me to the center of the room.

“No, I want to steal you away for a few minutes.”

Ness holds out her hand. “Okay, you may have some time alone with me.”

I laugh at her exaggerated accent. “Come on, Princess Vanessa.”

Tugging her behind me, we seek out a quiet corner of the house, which is tricky, considering the number of guests spilling into the kitchen and hallway. Ness takes me into a formal lounge room and turns on a lamp, before settling onto the leather sofa.

“You seem to be enjoying yourself for someone who hates a fuss.”

She smirks. “Champagne helps.”

“Champagne causes trouble…” I sit next to her, and she looks at the floor.

“Do you mean Christmas Eve?”

Can we do this? Have this conversation? I don’t want to kill her buzz, but we should both have learned how the unspoken kills things.

“Yeah. We were stupid.”

Ness turns to me and strokes my face, and my body surges with relief she’s not angry I brought up the subject. “What would we have done?” she says softly.

“I don’t know. I never got a chance to clearly think about the situation. My head was fucked with the concept before...it ended.”

“Same.” She shakes her head, as if dislodging the memory. “I don’t really want to talk about this. Why discuss something that didn’t happen?”

There’s a lot more I’d like to say, but I choose not to. But I do think it’s weird how much she downplays everything about the pregnancy and what it did to her.

Instead, I pull something from my pocket. “I never gave you your present.”

Ness groans and hits her head against the back of the sofa. I laugh at her genuine discomfort over me buying her things as I hold the present towards her.

When she sees the small, square box, she takes the gift hesitantly from my outstretched palm. Ness chews her lip, and I know inside she’s freaking out a little when she sees the size and shape of the box.

“What is it?” she says quietly.

“Open it.”

***

NESS

I stare at the gift-wrapped box in Evan’s hand, focusing as the world swims a little around me. Gingerly, I take the gift and peel away the paper. Inside, is a ring box. I glance up at Evan, searching his face for any indication this is what I hope to hell it isn’t.

There’s a ring in the box.

Oh crap. “Evan…”

“Don’t freak out; it’s only a birthday present.”

A breath I didn’t
realize I held rushes from me. “Oh.”

“Take a look. I had the ring engraved.”

“Tell me what the words are.”

“Forever your always.”

“How beautiful,” I whisper.

“And as I’ve told you so many times, so are you.” Evan holds his forehead against mine. The kiss he gives me is soft but breathtaking, and I wrap his hair in my hand, still holding the box.

“I thought you were going to ask me to marry you.” I give a relieved giggle.

“Surely not, you’re still here. Any chance of me asking that question and I’m sure you’d be running screaming out of the room by now.”

“Says who?” I nip his lip.

Evan pulls back, rubbing his face. “Don’t wind me up about this.”

“Okay, just joining in the joke.” I touch his cheek and wonder what’s really going on.

“Well, are you going to try the ring on?”

I shift and rest against Evan as I look at the silver ring. He’s right; this isn’t anything like an engagement ring. Trying different fingers to see which one it fits, I settle on the ring finger of my right hand. The soft metal spirals halfway up my finger as I slip it on.

I turn back to him. “It’s different,” I say. “I love it.”

“There’s a card too.” Evan pulls out a small envelope. Naturally, there’s a butterfly on the front of the card. Inside the words:

Two souls but with a single thought

Two hearts that beat as one

Tears fall. “I told you to stop making me cry with this stuff, Evan!”

Evan holds my face in his hands, eyes searching mine with an intensity that knocks the breath from me. “I’m not going to ask you to marry me because I know you, and I am sure you’d say no. But I am going to ask you to be my forever.”

Sensible Ness tries to hold down the Ness who belongs to Evan heart and soul, but she can’t. In the moment of inner struggle, Evan keeps his eyes locked on mine, and the sincerity of what’s inside his own soul is as clear as ever. I can’t imagine anyone could look at me in the same way as Evan does. Ever.