Finding Evan (14 page)

Pulling me back to my feet, he grips me to him, slamming his lips on mine. I yield to his mouth, pulling his hair hard, tangling my tongue with his, and the intensity of the kiss takes my breath away. Evan backs me towards the wall again, pinioning me the same as before. Except this time, I’m naked. Almost.

Evan rests his head against mine, breathing heavily. “I don’t want to fight. I hate it.”

The rough material from his jeans rubs my stomach, matched by the stubble scraping my neck as Evan nips at me. His belt jangles as his jeans drop to the floor. Yanking open the drawer, he searches for a condom. In this time, I could get away if I wanted, but I remain where I am, blood pumping in my ears. Wanting him.

Evan turns me to face the wall. “Okay?” he whispers, biting my shoulder.

“Yes.” I’ll be surprised if he hears my response, the words coming out in a hoarse whisper.

The hard plane of his chest touches my back; the heat of his body meeting mine sparks the heat into fire. Grabbing my hips, Evan slides a hand between my legs. Legs I think are about to collapse. Slowly and teasingly, he strokes me; I expect him to hesitate, ask me again, but he doesn’t. Feeling how wet I am is enough of a green light for him, and as he pushes into me, I push my palms against the wall and groan. Evan winds his hand into my hair, breath hot against my cheek as he thrusts.

He stills for a moment and places his hands over mine. “I fucking love you, Ness. I’m not going to lose you. I want you. Need you.”

“Don’t stop,” I whisper.

“I don’t intend to.” Evan touches me, teasing my clit, groaning as I tighten around him. As I come apart into a shattering orgasm, Evan joins me. We’re stolen away from the anger, and back to the time in Europe when everything in our world felt right. The place where the real Ness and Evan exist, away from the suffocating events of the last few months.

***

Evan draws the curtains against the outside world and climbs into bed; we bury ourselves beneath the duvet. He holds me fiercely, as if never wanting to let me go. Evan’s gaze is full of breath-taking tenderness, a contrast to the primal lust minutes ago. My heart rate slows as he strokes my hair, breathing returning to normal.

“We’re there, aren’t we?” he whispers.

“Where?”

“Last year finally caught us. Is it too late?”

My post-sex, sleepy brain can’t comprehend his words. “What do you mean?”

“I’ve gradually
unraveled everything we have, but I don’t want to give up.”

“Evan…” I stroke his cheek,
recognizing the pain. “No, we’re not there. The amount I love you means I’m holding on.”

“By your fingernails, I think.” He inhales and stares at the ceiling. “I saw something different today.”

I don’t want Evan to feel more guilt created by Lucy. How can I expect years of behavior to suddenly change?

“Saw what?”

“Lucy. How she behaved towards you, accusing you of threatening my relationship with her. That was eye-opening.”

Closing my eyes, I will him to acknowledge this further. Hoping Lucy inadvertently caused a breakthrough in our relationship. “Surprised me too.”

Propping himself on his elbow, Evan looks down at me. “Ness. You are more important to me than Lucy. Than anyone. I won’t let her ruin this, and I’m telling her to back off. As of now.”

As he strokes my face and kisses me gently, I want to believe he can. There’s no room for her in our relationship. “Okay.”

“I mean this. Everything changes. If I ever lost you, I think I’d lose a part of myself. You and me are more than just you and me. We’re…we.”

He means this; I know he does. And I finally
realize he needs my help. Sitting back and letting him perpetuate his unhealthy relationship with his sister was misguided.

"But she does need you sometimes, Evan. Just not every time."

"I know. I'm starting to see."

“And we deal with the issues around your mum? Your issues, not hers.”

Evan looks away, takes my hand and rubs my knuckles. “I dealt with her years ago. If she disappears from my life again, I won’t have to think about her.”

I guess one admission that something is messing with his mind for the day is enough. Evan’s denial over the effect of his mother is for another day.

“I’ll try and change too,” I say to myself as much as him.

“All you need to do is let me get closer. I won’t hurt you.” Evan rubs my lip, and I want to believe him, but part of me can’t.

“I don’t want to fight with you anymore. Or talk about this. Let’s draw a line here. Today, we move on.”

Evan grins. “There’s some parts of fighting with you I like.”

“Evan…” I roll my eyes, the fire kindling inside again. He assaults me with tickling, turning me into a giggling mess.

Relaxed. Happy. Moving on.

Chapter Twenty-One

EVAN

Christmas with Ness is non-negotiable.

The day Lucy came to the house and screamed at us, Ness’s home truths and threat to end things opened my eyes. I didn’t contact Lucy for over a week after the day things came to a head. She left ‘Lucy messages’ telling me she has to see me, then following them up days later with rants about how she wants nothing to do with me because I don’t care about her. I’d be relieved, but I know this swing is part of who she is and won’t last. As soon as I tell Lucy I’m not coming to Lancaster for Christmas, I’m greeted with a barrage of abuse and sob stories. Suddenly, sh
e
ha
s
to see me again. I almost break, but the realization I need to prove to Ness she’s more important than my responsibility for Lucy intrudes, and I manage to say no to her. There’s other family around, not just Dad. Our family Christmas is extended family too: aunts, uncles, cousins. Ness has never spent a Christmas without her parents and understandably isn’t comfortable having Christmas with my dysfunctional family. Lucy has to be happy with my compromise; I’ll go to Lancaster on Boxing Day for a couple of days, then back to Ness for New Year.

Ness’s parents aren’t around when we arrive, so I sit in the vast kitchen while Ness makes drinks. The house reminds me how far apart the worlds of our childhood were – not only the expense of the things around me, but the happy childhood photos. Two parents.

This is my first trip to Ness’s house where I get to stay. Last year I visited, but only for a painful lunch just before we left for Europe. The visit wasn’t long after the Lucy meltdown where they thought Ness had been hurt, before they discovered the girl was Lucy. Despite their outward friendliness, I couldn't help feeling judged as the guy with a mentally-ill sister from a single parent family. Me and Ness had only begun to rediscover each other again, and the day made me question how I could be good enough. I’m not sure how I’ll be accepted, or if I will be. But I promised I’d do this for Ness.

***

NESS

The look on Evan’s face when he realizes we’re sleeping in separate rooms is priceless. Then he teases me about how ‘proper’ we are, and how from now on we should ‘refrain from sexual relations’. I shush him as I hear the front door. Evan freezes, and the look on his face informs me how he feels about meeting one of my family again.

“You’ll be fine,” I whisper and take his hand.

“I hope so.”

Our traditional Christmas Eve involves a spread of seasonal food, the
neighbors, and plenty of alcohol. This should make things easier on Evan: more people less scrutiny. Evan helped me prepare some of the food earlier, and this involved attempting to stop him from eating half of what I laid out.

When we get back to the kitchen from upstairs, Mum is there, cheeks pink from the outdoor weather, and a strand of brown hair falling from her loose plait.

“I thought you two were here; I hoped so anyway. The snow is getting bad, and I don’t like the idea of you driving in this weather.”

I embrace her; she smells of the same perfume she’s worn since my childhood, and is dressed in a skirt suit after her day at the surgery. Mum places a hand on my cheek.

“You look pale; are you eating properly?”

“Yes, Mum,” I say in the tired ‘stop fussing’ way.

She tuts and looks behind me, where Evan hovers in the doorway. “How are you, Evan?”

“Fine, thank you, Mrs. Armstrong. How are you?”

I snigger. “Evan…she’s not the queen. Even if she has the same name. And sounds like she is.”

He flashes me a look, and I pull my lips together trying not to laugh. He’s never going to be allowed to forget the comment he made the first time we met. The night he told me I sounded like the Queen and I came close to slapping him.

“Just call me Liz. Did you want a drink? Beer? Wine?”

Evan looks to me for advice and I sigh at him. “I’ll have a wine please, Mum.”

“Evan?”

“Yeah. Beer, please.”

Mum busies herself opening a bottle of red wine. “Put some Christmas music on, darling.”

Crossing to the CD player, I notice a pile of CDs already there. Mum starts listening to Christmas music a week before; she’s a bigger kid than me and my brother when Christmas comes around.

“Is Jem coming home?” I ask.

“Not this year. Seems you’re doing a swap; he’s staying with Daisy in London.” Disappointment flashes across her face and is quickly replaced by a smile. “Anyway, I need to get ready for tonight.”

I’m aware of her sweeping her gaze over the pair of us. “Are the scruffy students dressing up for the occasion?”

“Right, Mum. We’ll get changed. I won’t embarrass you in my terrible outfit of student jeans and jumper.”

Mum smiles, and tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. “Is your dad back yet?”

“No.” She draws her plucked brows together. “At least he’s in the Land Rover.” She checks her watch. “I’ll call him.”

Bing Crosby’s voice fills the room as she leaves, and I wrap my arms around Evan’s waist, happiness surging through me. Christmas with Evan.

***

EVAN

Ness’s lounge is as big as the whole downstairs of my house. A tastefully decorated Christmas tree sparkles in the long bay window, baubles and stars arranged around in perfect order. Matching silver and blue decorations are carefully arranged around the room. I can’t remember the last time we had anything but a bit of tinsel on the wall in our house. Snow falls, piling against the window. This house is like being inside one of the Christmas cards my family Sellotape to the wall in Lancaster.

Tall-backed chairs are set out around the room amongst the copious, cushioned cream sofas, and the feeling I’m in another world intensifies as each guest arrives.

I attempt to skulk in a corner, but Ness insists on dragging me around introducing me to people whose names I instantly forget. Most of them are the same age as her parents, dressed in expensive looking clothes. Getting dressed up is an alien concept to me still, but Ness informs me the blue shirt and smart black trousers are acceptable. At least I don’t need to wear a tie.

Ness looks beautiful in her green dress. Gathered under her gorgeous breasts and floating just above her knee, the
color matches her happy eyes. I laughed when I saw her tiny Christmas tree earrings, and she threatened to tie tinsel around my neck. It’s taking all my self-control not to find a quiet corner and cover all her visible bare skin with kisses. The fact we’re in separate rooms adds an illicit thrill to the idea of making love to Ness. One I intend to act on at some point soon.

Ness sips champagne from a tall glass, and I manage to persuade her to move to a quieter corner. From this vantage point, Ness points out who’s who, but I can’t keep up with the ins and outs of her Cotswolds village life. Finally, a group of people around our age arrive, and they split off towards their families. I reckon some of them have had a few drinks before they got here. I wish I had.

A guy with blonde hair which flops into his eyes surveys the room, and I realize he’s looking for Ness because her hand tightens around mine. When his gaze reaches us, I rub the back of her hand.

“You okay?” I ask.

“He's an ex.”

“Oh.” Although I wonder why this bothers her.

“He’s an idiot. Ignore anything he says to you.”

He approaches, and I take in his expensive clothes as if he’s stepped out of an advert for Burberry, or one of those stupidly overpriced shops in Manchester. He looks me up and down, and then turns to Ness with a quizzical look. “Hello, Ness.”

“Josh.”

“Is Abby coming tonight?” he asks.

“No. She’s busy.”

I bristle at the fact he’s dismissed me.

“This is Evan,” Ness tells him.

Josh holds out his hand and grips mine in a firm handshake. “Hello, Evan. Are you at uni with Ness?”

“Yeah.”

“How are you finding med school? I’m in London – King’s College. Second year though; doesn't get any easier, you know.”

“I’m not at med school.”

Josh raises an eyebrow. “Oh? What do you study?”

“Something different,” replies Ness before I can speak. “Are you back home for long, Josh?”

She didn’t need to say that. Okay, so I get touchy about my English degree, but Ness’s interruption bothers me. Is she trying to help me, or is she uncomfortable her boyfriend is a slacker?

Josh’s eyes remain on me. “Where are you from? You sound like an extra from one of those Northern soap operas.”

Gritting my teeth, I turn to Ness. “Where’s the bathroom? Upstairs?” I need to get away from this guy.

“Ness has several in her house; there’s a cloakroom through there.” He points towards double wooden doors at the back of the room.

“Thanks,” I say begrudgingly.

“Is it a novelty for him to have an indoor toilet?” he says to Ness as I walk away, at a volume I can hear.

Fucking dickhead. But he’s doing this on purpose, and despite the alcohol swimming in my system, I control my urge to go back and retort.

I don’t belong here with the English gentry and Burberry man.

***

NESS

Anger courses into my stiffened body. “You dick!”

Josh laughs at me. “Seriously, Ness? He’s not your type.”

“And what’s my type?”

“Not some Northern guy who looks like he spends more time working out than studying. More muscles than brains – you need someone on your level. Intellectually.”

“You know nothing about him!” I retort.

Josh scoffs. “I’ve met his type.”

“I’m not justifying who I go out with to someone like you.”

He shrugs. “Yeah, not my problem if you stepped down a level after me.”

I stare, wondering what I ever saw in the arrogant prick. He didn’t accept our break up too well, but that happened over a year ago. “Grow up,” I snap.

“So, you guys, are you serious? Known him long?”

“I’m not talking to you about Evan. Our relationship is none of your business.”

I glance at the clock above the marble mantelpiece. It’s after eleven and I’m guessing he spent all afternoon at the pub, the traditional Christmas meet up for people from school.

“I can see why you stayed away this afternoon. He wouldn’t have fit in.”

“Seriously, Josh, shut up.”

He puts a hand on my arm. “I still miss you, Ness. I wish you’d come to London with me last year."

How can I tell him not going with him to London was the best move of my life? I swear, our families had us married off as soon as we were born, living an identical life to the other long-standing families in the village. As a stupid sixteen-year-old, I’d half-believed a future with Josh was the best idea. Be a doctor with my doctor husband. Until logic prevailed around my eighteenth birthday. Then came Leeds. Evan. Miles apart from this guy, and not just because he’s from a different part of the country.

“Sweet of you to say, but we were a long time ago.”

Josh holds out his arms. “Christmas kiss?” He looks up. “Must be some mistletoe around here somewhere.”

“I don’t think so.” I back away from him.

“Aww, Nessie…”

“Don’t call me that!”

Why do we have to be in a bloody corner? Flashbacks to the guy at the cocktail party and drunk guys in the past seer across my mind as he pushes me back with his body
.
Him. His brother
.
Nobody else notices or cares; proper English families don’t have people who touch up girls without their permission. Josh puts a hand on my waist.

“Get off me,” I hiss, worried about causing a scene.

“Just one kiss. For old times’ sake. Then you can compare my kiss to his.”

What is wrong with me? Do I have a 'Grope Ness; she won’t mind’ tattoo on my forehead? “Get off me!” I say more loudly.

The size of the room and volume of Christmas music hides my words from those around.

“Not so much of an English gentleman, are you?” Evan grabs Josh by the sleeve and pulls him away.

Josh drags his arm from Evan’s grip and brushes himself down. “And she’s not so much of the refined girl you think. I can tell you some stories about what an easy lay Ness was for anyone who tried…”

“Don’t make me drag you out of this room,” growls Evan.

“Evan! I told you he’s an idiot. Don’t let him get to you.”

My head spins from the alcohol and the hurt – of Josh’s hands on me and his lies. Evan inhales and steps back, eyes fixed on Josh. “I need some fresh air. Coming?”

I nod robotically and take his hand. Evan marches out of the room, through the house, and towards the kitchen door. He slams the door open, and we walk into the peace of the snowy night.

“Fuck, Ness!” Evan drags his hand through his hair and leans against the wall.

“I’m sorry.”

“
You’r
e
sorry?”