Finding Christmas (19 page)

“Hey, I’ve been trying to call you.” Rising from his desk, he made sure to keep his distance. He didn’t want her to feel closed in.

“I know. I was already on my way here. I’m sorry, I should have let you know.”

Working her way into the space, Will could see Maggie was fighting one of her demons. He’d learned a lot about PTSD since meeting her a month ago, and one of the things he discovered was that it could be a real sneaky bastard. There was no rhyme or reason to what might trigger symptoms, but he could see Maggie was panicking, and it had been building for a couple of days.

“Maggie? What’s wrong? You look like you’re going to jump out of your skin.”

Taking a deep breath, she was trying to calm down. Something had her seriously spooked. “I’ll be fine.”

“How was your doctor’s appointment? Everything okay?” He didn’t know which doctor she was seeing, and the secrecy had him a little worried.

“Nothing new.”

Her lip was quivering, her hands were shaking, and all Will wanted to do was hold her. “Are you going to tell me what’s bothering you?”

Inching his way closer, Will laid a hand on her shoulder. She didn’t flinch, instead leaning into him. Exhaling quietly, Will gave silent thanks that she didn’t run.

“I’m crazy, you know. At least I feel like it sometimes.” She was so quiet he could barely hear her.

“You’re not crazy. Something has upset you though, and I want to help.”

Wrapping her arms around her middle, Maggie shook her head. “I don’t think you can. I don’t think anyone can.”

Almost wishing she would cry, Will stood behind her and wrapped her in his arms. Her pain was raw, and he had no idea what triggered it. What he did know was that he didn’t want Maggie to have to deal with this alone. She’d pushed everyone away once; he wasn’t going to let her do it again. She meant too much to him, and to her family.

“I have to tell you something.” Her voice was so small, almost like she was afraid.

Talking was good, but whatever was on her mind had him nervous. “Do you want to talk here, or go to my house…”

“No.” She cut him off. “I can’t go to your house. I have to tell you something.”

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.
She was pulling away. “Okay. Do you want to sit?”

“No.” Maggie spun around and stepped back. “I lied to you.”

“What? About what?”

“I let you believe this could be something. That we had a future. We don’t.”

She was ending it. He had no idea what was running through her head, but it had to stop now. This wasn’t just about him, this was about Maggie. He wasn’t going to let her lose all she’d gained.

“Don’t do this, honey. Please. Tell me what you’re thinking.”

“I can’t have kids, Will. I mean, I’m not sure if I can or not. I don’t know how my residual limb will hold up. I don’t know if there’s anything that could stop us from having a normal life in the future. I just don’t know.”

She was babbling, letting her fears rule her behavior. “Maggie, none of us know what the future will bring. Anything can happen.”

“But you deserve children, Will. I’ve seen you with kids, and you’re meant to be a father. I can’t take that from you.”

“Who says you’re going to?”

“But—I don’t know if I can have a baby.” Maggie’s voice cracked. She was distraught.

“Last time I checked, having a child naturally is only one way to become a parent.”

“I know but… it’s ridiculous… listen to me. I mean, we’ve known each other for a month. Here I am projecting the future. God, you should run.”

“You keep saying that, but when are you going to understand that I’m not going anywhere?” With his hands on her shoulders, Will pulled Maggie closer to him. They were nose to nose, and her light woodsy scent consumed him, made him want. “I think about us long term all the time. All the damn time. I don’t see my future without you, Maggie.”

Every move she made showed how desperate, how sad, she was feeling. It was killinghim, because he just didn’t know how to help her, or how to save what they’d started.

“I love you, Will.” Her words were on a whisper. “I love you so much, I just can’t let you go down this path with me.”

“Are you kidding?” Now he was getting pissed. Grabbing her hand as she went past him, Will wasn’t going to give up without a fight. “You can’t
let
me? I love you, Maggie. I’m already there, and I’m there willingly.”

“You’ll end up hating me, resenting me. I couldn’t bear it. I still have so far to go.”

If this were any other woman, he’d probably take her at her word, and let the relationship end, but not this time. If anything, being with Maggie had taught Will that love required people to hang in even when it was hard. And she was worth it.

“Then let me be there with you.”

Something in her posture changed. Her spine straightened. Her head steadied.

“I need to recover on my own. I won’t bring anyone down this black hole.”

“What the hell happened? A few days ago, everything was fine. What happened?”

Turning to face him, Maggie grasped his hands. She examined them, running her thumbs over his palms, then dropped a soft kiss on his knuckles.

“Maggie, don’t do this. I love you.”

“I know you do. And I love you.” Resting her cheek on his hand, Will felt the wetness from her tears.

“Maggie…”

“Goodbye, Will.”

When she walked out, he was too stunned to follow.

‡

T
here were only
so many essays Will could grade before his brain reached its flash point. He had kids who worked so hard on their assignments, and then he had kids who copied and pasted from the Internet without a second thought.

It pissed him off. And while in the past he would have given the wayward kids a chance to fix their mistakes, this time he slapped an F right on their papers. He’d obviously given too many second chances, and he was done.

Leaning back in his chair, he scrubbed his hands over his face.

It had been a week since Maggie walked out of the gym, and he hadn’t heard a word from her since. Not a call, not a text. He was wondering if she was even still in town, or if she’d bolted from everyone. He had made a point not to say a word around Matt, nothing new really, but Will couldn’t deny that missing Maggie was affecting every part of his life.

He was fucking miserable. He was furious with her on one hand, mostly because she didn’t have faith in him, but on the other, he just wanted her back. Will missed her, he worried about her, and he knew, given enough time, they could work through anything.

More than one person told him he should let her go. That it wasn’t meant to be. And if it was anyone else, he would do just that. But he couldn’t just
forget
Maggie. Not in a lifetime.

“You’re a fucking mess, Fitz,” he said to himself. And if thinking about her all the time wasn’t enough, he reached into his briefcase and pulled out the diamond ring he’d bought at a jeweler in East Hampton. He’d planned on proposing on Christmas Eve. Sure, it was clichéd and sentimental, but it would mean something to Maggie, and it would give her a good memory of the season to replace the ones from the past two years.

It would help her find Christmas again.

Now he had to return the ring. He rolled the velvet box around in his hand and flipped it open with his thumb. The ring was beautiful, unique, just like her. The oval diamond was surrounded by a halo of smaller stones. It sparkled, much like Maggie’s eyes when she smiled at him.

“Did you buy that for my sister?”

Startled, Will saw Matt Benson standing just inside the classroom doorway. Talk about blindsided. What was he supposed to do now? There was a fine line he was walking between his personal life and his professional life.

Screw it. The truth was the only way to go.

“Yeah, I did. I guess I’m returning it, though.” He took a breath. “I never thought I’d be that guy.”

Matt didn’t say anything, he looked at his feet, fidgeted, but he wasn’t talking. Even though Will was damn sure he had something to say.

“Did you need help with something, Matt? Have a question about the reading?”

Matt shook his head. “I came here to talk to you about Maggie.”

Immediately, Will knew what he
should
do. But
should
wasn’t working out for him, so he decided to throw the right decision out the window and go with his gut.

Hesitating, he motioned Matt into the room. “Have a seat. What’s on your mind?”

Based on his movements, Will could tell Matt knew he was crossing a line, but it didn’t stop him.

Pulling a chair from a student desk, Matt plopped down, and dropped his head. “She might leave again.”

Will’s heart skipped a beat at the words. “And go where?”

Matt swallowed. “Washington. She was there yesterday, talking to a friend of hers at the Pentagon about a job.”

It made perfect sense that Maggie would be fielding offers. She was bright, edgy and knew the military. If she wanted to go, he knew it would be wrong to stop her. But in all their conversations, she’d never mentioned a job in DC, the Pentagon, or that she was looking.

He wondered if it was part of the reason she broke it off with him.

“Is she going to take it?”

“We don’t know. She’s thinking about it. Maybe if you two made up, and you know, you asked her to marry you, she wouldn’t go.” Matt Benson was an impressive young man, for many reasons. He was big and strong—more physically developed that most boys his age. He was a champion athlete, and an A student. But what impressed Will the most was his willingness to put himself on the line for his family. He didn’t want his sister to leave, and he’d even ask Will for help if he could keep that from happening.

“I wish it were that easy.” If it were, he’d have asked her to marry him before she walked out of his office. “But something made her decide I wasn’t right for her. I’m all in, Matt, but she’s not.”

“She loves you, Coach.” Matt dropped his head, fighting the emotions creeping to the surface. “She’s not happy. She barely eats. She’s so quiet, and Maggie is never quiet.”

Will chuckled at Matt’s observation. It was true. When Maggie walked into his life, the noise level had gone up exponentially. Since she’d been gone, the quiet damn near killed him.

“Has she talked to you at all?” Will wondered what the kid knew.

“Not really. Just that nothing that happened was your fault. She didn’t want me to blame you.”

“She didn’t.” Another voice. This time it was Sabrina Killen. Now this was getting weird, almost to the point of worrying him. “Hey, Matty, you beat me here. I thought we were going to double team him?”

“This was a planned assault?” Will started to feel better. Matt was reacting emotionally. He was close to his sister, but Sabrina, best friend that she was, wouldn’t push anything on Maggie that she didn’t want.

Which meant Bree knew something.

“Hi Bree. Coach bought her a ring.” Matt nodded toward the desk where Will had set the velvet box.

Hand out, Bree smiled. “Let me see!”

Will handed it over. “I was going to return it.”

“Nope. There will be no…” Sabrina opened the velvet clamshell and gasped. “Oh. My. God.” Tears filled her eyes. “This is stunning. It’s perfect, Will. Perfect.”

“So why shouldn’t I return this?” he asked as she returned the ring to his hand. “Maggie was pretty clear that she had a lot to work out. And I hear she had a job interview. Sounds to me like she wants to move on.”

“Psssht. That’s bullshit. She wants you. I don’t think she wants that job. It’s some military liaison thingy. You know. Senators, Congressmen, and Pentagon brass. She’d hate it.”

It sounded like it was right up her alley.

“Bree, I don’t want to pressure her. How do you know?”

Sabrina leaned into the edge of his desk and smiled. “Because, Coach Fitzgerald, she told me.”

“Told…” Everything that died in his heart the day Maggie walked out sparked back to life. “
What
did she tell you?”

“I can’t tell you exactly what she said, as I would never break my friend’s confidence, but I’m going to tell you exactly what you need to do, and when, so you and Maggie can have your happily ever after.”

Skeptical, Will shook his head. This sounded like the answer to his prayers, in theory, but he was cautious. He never liked being set up, and he didn’t think Maggie would like to hear her life was part of a strategy session in a high school classroom. “I don’t know…”

“She feels awful, Will. You have to trust me. I understand you want to respect her wishes, but I’m telling you, she wants you.”

“So I’m supposed to do what? Go after her? Declare my love? I’ve done that. Over and over.”

“YES! Shit, Coach!” Matt blurted out. “I’m seventeen and I know that’s what you should do.”

“Will, please,” Bree said. “Listen. I know you’re hurt, I know she walked out on you, but she needs you. And based on everything she said to me, you won’t regret it.”

Will wanted to hope, but after all that had gone down over the past few days, he wasn’t about to be too optimistic. But he would try. Maggie was worth at least one more try.