Filth (26 page)

– I hear what you’re saying Brother Toal, but it takes two to tango. I suggest you have a similar word with our Msss Drummond.

I’d like to turn of the gasssss for Mssss Drummond, fuckin well turn it off for good.

Toal sits up in his seat somewhat pompously, as he tends to do when I play the craft card, – I have spoken to Amanda and made her aware of her responsibilities.

I’ll fuckin well bet. That wee slag thinks that crawling up Toal’s erse is the way on to the fast track. Wrong!

Later on I’m in the cannie, catching up on some of the gossip and the wee cow comes over to me. – Bruce, can I have a word? She nods to the corridor. A uniformed spastic from the craft raises his eyes. This wee cunt’s goin tae rub ma face in it already about her new role. No way am I taking any bullshit fae the likes of Drummond.

– I don’t know if you’ve heard Bruce, but it’s Gus’s birthday tomorrow, and we’re planning a wee surprise party for him. In Serious Crimes.

So that’s all it is. Nae cunt telt ays, Lennox or any of them. Bastards. – I was aware of that, I say haughtily.

– Just making sure, she smiles, and turns to leave. – See you later.

She thinks that she can get roond me wi the softly-softly approach. Wrong. Same rules apply. I head back downstairs but it’s typical post-holiday blues and I’m hating it at this shitehoose.

I’m sifting through the papers on my desk for the case file and I see out of the corner of my eye that a woman has come into the office with Drummond and Hazel the clerical. She looks vaguely familiar. Drummond’s pointing over at me.

The woman has a wee laddie with her and they tentatively approach my desk, following Drummond.

– Bruce, my colleague informs me, – somebody to see you. It’s Mrs Sim.

Who the fuck’s this

– I came last week, the woman says meekly, – but they told me you were on holiday. I wanted to thank you personally for everything that you did for Colin. She turns to the wee boy. – This is a good man Euan, this is the man that tried to help your daddy . . . she stifles a sob.

The wee boy keeps his head bowed, but raises his eyes up at me and pushes out a smile. He’ll be about ages with Stacey.

– His heart was bad . . . it was a family thing . . . hereditary. I’m watching her lips moving. – He never let it bother him. He was a good man, she whimpers and sobs and Drummond’s got her hand, and she looks back at the wee laddie and then at me, – . . . and this is a good man. This man tried to help your dad son, tried to help him when the rest just stood by and gawped . . . he tried so hard for your daddy . . .

How did you feel

– . . . I just wanted to say thank you Sergeant Robertson . . . Bruce . . . I just wanted to say thank you for trying to help him . . .

– I’m sorry I couldn’t save your husband, I tell her.

– Thank you . . . you did all anybody could. Thank you. This is a good man Euan, she sniffs, as Amanda leads her away, looking back at me in a deep, soulful and human way.

Gus comes over and grabs my shoulder tightly. – Perr lassie. An awfay Christmas for her and the wee felly.

She doesn’t know, the woman: she just doesn’t know.

I have a bash at the crossword. I can’t concentrate, and I decide to take an early finish. It’s Stronach’s testimonial match at Tynecastle the night, but no way will I go there and line that spastic’s pockets. It would be too much to see him poncing around full of himself. I can’t see there being much of a crowd. It’ll be Gary MacKay or Craig Levine size I should imagine.

So the evening finds me down at the Lodge listening to some referee twat who’s a building inspector with the district council. He’s holding court and it’s not a bad crack. Bladesey’s lost. He comes over to join us sporting his new glesses, but like most English cunts, he kens nowt about fitba. Ray Lennox appears with a couple of uniformed spastics, who aren’t wearing their uniforms but are still uniformed spastics and always will be. I nod to him to come over and he’s squeezing in beside me. I’ve tipped him off before about hanging around with these nonentities. Associate too much with losers and that’s exactly what you’ll become.

This referee’s some cunt. – So there I was at Ibrox and they need the three points to clinch the title. I mean, they’re about thirty points ahead so it’s a foregone conclusion, it’s mathematically impossible for them to be caught. It’s a gala day, and the families are all out, the bairns with their faces painted up, the lads looking forward to celebrating. Coisty’s put them one–nil up with a close-range tap-in at the back post. Ha ha ha. He’s some character. Suspicion of offside but Oswald Beckton’s flag stayed down. Oswald, Lodge 364. You’ll ken his face, the ref prompts.

There’s a few nods and knowing smiles around the table. – So anyway, the whole place goes up and it’s party-time. Everybody’s singing ‘we’re up to our knees in fenian blood’ and it’s a gala atmosphere. But then, with a couple of minutes left, a long ball gets punted through the middle towards the Rangers goal. This young lad nips inbetween Goughy and McLaren and they bring him down heavily inside the box. Now, it’s a blatant penalty, but of course there’s no way I’m going to give that and spoil the party. I mean, they’d’ve had to have gone to Firhill the next week to win it, stuck with a fifteen thousand capacity. How could I spoil it for them to lift the flag at home? They were going to win it anyway! By the length of Argyll Street! No way was yours truly going to be a killjoy. Imagine what the boys in the Lodge at Whitburn would have said! My life wouldnae have been worth living. Spoiling a gala day out! So I waved play on.

– As ye do mate, eh, Councillor Bill Armitage said.

– I had to send off this tube for arguing. The ref’s decision is final. This arsehole wouldnae let it go, even after I’d booked him. There’s always one, eh!

– Fenian bastard, Bill Armitage scoffed.

– I don’t mind telling ye, the ref continues, – that it was a bit embarrassing watching it on Scotball the next day. The boys were great though, they kept the replays to a minimum and avoided any reverse-angle showings. Anyway, I spoke to the SFA observer at the match in the Blue Room afterwards and he understood the situation fully. Turns out that he’s in the same Lodge as wee Sammy Kirkwood. You mind of wee Sammy! He says to me.

I nod. Wee Sammy used to get me magazines. Good stuff n all, though not quite as good as Hector The Farmer’s. I’ll have to bell that auld fucker and see if he’s got any new gear.

– Anyway, thank God for the presenter. He said there was no way I could have seen the incident as I wasn’t up with play. The guys at the press were great as well, played the whole thing down, didn’t let on that the switchboards were jammed with callers. Passed off the odd one or two as token Tim bigots who would say that anyway.

– These cunts are paranoid, Armitage laughs.

– A chief sports writer for one of the dailies told me at the Lodge, he says: normally we’d have made a bit more of a song and dance about it but it does nobody any good to keep running Scottish football down.

We then listen to Armitage going on a bit about the new Scottish Parliament. – It’ll be a good thing; mair opportunities for our people. Of course we’ll have tae deal with the Papes, but there’s nothing new there. The party in Scotland’s always had that horse-trading between the Catholic mafia and the craft. Ah wouldnae mind gieing them anti-abortion legislation in exchange for some plum chairmanships of working parties or committees . . . particularly licensing, he grins. – It just means that some daft wee hairy that gets knocked up the duff has tae get oan the bus tae Carlisle tae get cleaned oot. Hardly a staggering blow, I would have thought.

– Right enough, Ray nods, then turning to me whispers, – Fancy some coke the night?

I fancied some fucking coke awright, in fact I had some on me. Especially after Toal’s news, Drummond heading up the team. Toal. The cunt’ll not be happy until he turns me into a fuckin junky.

Me answering to a silly wee lassie?

shake off Bladesey after I’ve pumped the sorry cunt for more information about Bunty’s mental state. Then we abscond back to his flat. Ray’s place is furnished post-Thatcherite nouveau schemie single-shagger style. That is to say, no real style at all. It’s dominated by a red suite, a two-seater velvety love-couch and matching chair. It’s like a hoor’s room back in the Dam! I’m no sitting in that couch, Lennox should be so lucky. If it was fuckin Inglis, he’d be oan it like a shot! No that he would feel anything if it was Lennox that was up him!

Ray’s looking for the mirror, spoon and razor-blade kit I brought him back from the Dam. He reckons that it gives extra quality tae the chop and never uses credit cards indoors now. I realise that the set cost me the equivalent of twenty quid in UK cash and feel a resentment rise up in my chest. It was a moment of weakness giving Lennox a present, even if I only gave him it in order to encourage him to sort me out with posh. I idly press the tip of my fag against his velvet cushion, feeling a satisfying rush of adrenalin and a lump rise in my chest as it browns and parts on the first, second, third and fourth contact. Then I admire my handiwork, before quickly flipping the cushion over to conceal the four new holes.

Lennox returns and chops out some lines. He’s been on D.S. duty and has nabbed quite a bit of high grade, the lucky bastard. I’ve divided up the stuff I brought back from Amsterdam, and though it pains me to admit it, Lennox gear’s even better. The perks of the job. Okay for some. What about me? What perks do you get on topped coons? Going round community groups talking to chip-on-the-shoulder darkies who hate your guts. And that daft wee lassie Drummond sticking her oar in. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Big-time OT on this one mind you, especially with that docile mutation Toal’s breeks full of sludgy, soft shite. Same rules applying in that case, I kid you not.

– The last sniff I got off these morons I busted, I’m telling you Robbo, what a total waste ay time. There was so little coke in it, I should’ve just left the spastics to it and saved myself the fucking paperwork. They’d have felt a hell of a lot worse if they had done that rubbish than they did getting a poxy two hundred quid first offence fine.

Lennox is letting his mouser grow a bit. – That’s fucking disgusting. Two hundred poxy quid! Who was the magistrate?

– Urquhart. Surprise surprise, Lennox says, not looking up, firmly engrossed in the chopping up of the lines. He’s got patience Lennox, he knows that I want that line, but the cunt’ll play around until he’s got it as fine as fuck.

– Mr fuckin pat-oan-the-heid-and-penny-oot-the-poor-boax, my head’s shaking in disgust.

– Conrad fuckin Donaldson defending the cunts as well, Ray scoffs.

I smile at that name. I wonder how his wee lassie’s doing. We could handle another gam fae that little sweetheart. I kid you not.

Ray nods at me to come ahead. I’m on the first line, my twenty’s already rolled. I close one nostril and snort for Caledonia. It hits me hard. Good gear. Phoah, ya fuckin cunt that ye are. My mouth is instantly numbed and I start gabbing. – Listen Ray you should’ve heard that cunt Toal on aboot you the other day. It was Ray Lennox this, Ray Lennox that. I said to the cunt, there’s an awfay lot ay things getting attributed tae Ray Lennox here. I think Ray Lennox would be baulking at some of the stuff his name’s being mentioned in connection with.

– Eh? What’s this, Ray asks, looking at me tentatively.

– Between you and me Ray, I wouldnae be surprised if you get drafted into the team on this coon case.

– Like fuck! Ah’ve been stalking these fucking Sunrise Community hippies on this cannabis bust for months!