Fighting to be Free by Kirsty Moseley (50 page)

“A year,” I repeated, trying to get my head around it. Three hundred and sixty-five days without seeing her face or kissing her goodnight. This was going to kill me.

He nodded, closing his file. “I think it’s the best I can do, I’m sorry I can’t do more but I can get all other charges dropped I’m sure of it. But you’ll have to take the consequences of that one in order for me to give them something in exchange.”

I gulped and nodded in agreement, knowing that I wasn’t going to get a better deal than that. At the moment I was facing charges of drugs, possession of a firearm and resisting arrest, plus they would be looking into the car stuff too. If I agreed with his plan then the only thing that would go on my record was the gun. I was getting off lightly here, one year as opposed to about ten. I had to take it.

“Okay,” I agreed.

He smiled and stood up. “I’m going to go and speak to my friend and negotiate the other stuff away.

You need anything?” he asked, cocking his head to the side.

I gulped. “Think maybe I could get my phone call now? I need to speak to Ellie and tell her that it looks like I won’t be able to take her travelling for a while,” I croaked.

He nodded, reaching into his pocket, pulling out a cellphone. “Here, use this no one will know. The number’s blocked on there anyway.” He tossed the expensive looking phone at me and I caught it just in time.

“Thanks,” I muttered, dreading making this call. “Can I make two calls?”

“So long as the other one isn’t to do anything illegal,” he joked, winking at me.

I half laughed despite the horror that was settling in the pit of my stomach. “No, I just want to call a friend of mine too. I need to tell him what’s happened and ask him to go and speak to Ellie, she’s not gonna take this well I don’t think.”

He smiled sympathetically and squeezed my shoulder. “Ellie’s a good girl; if she loves you then she’ll wait for you to get out.” He turned and walked out of the door, closing it behind him leaving me in silence.

I looked down at the phone and groaned. I knew his words were right, I knew she would wait for me but this phone call was going to be the most painful call I’d ever made in my life.

I gulped and pressed my forehead against the cold, hard wood of the table. My attorney’s words were playing over and over in my head, “Ellie’s a good girl; if she loves you, she’ll wait for you.”

That was the trouble. I
knew
she was a good girl, I
knew
she’d play the dutiful little girlfriend, waiting patiently for my release, visiting me every week, writing me letters sprayed with her perfume. I
knew
she wouldn’t see other guys - and that was the problem. I didn’t want that for her.

She was better than that, better than me. Someone like Ellie should be treated like a princess, not as a convict’s girlfriend. It wasn’t fair of me to put that on her, she shouldn’t have to go without things and be on her own - and it wasn’t fair of me to let her do it. I knew she would, without question, still love me and want to be with me, the only way that girl was breaking up with me was if I told her I didn’t want her anymore.

My heart hurt. I was torn. The selfish part of me wanted her to wait. Knowing that she was waiting for me would make the time go faster because I could count down each day until the next time I saw her again. After fifty-two visits I’d get to walk out of there and into her arms. I could almost taste it the vision was so sweet. But the part of me that loved her more than anything in the world, refused to let that happen.

I knew I had to call her and this was going to be the hardest phone call I’d ever had to make.

Knowing I was going to hurt her was tearing me up inside and I wanted to punch myself in punishment. She wouldn’t take this well, I already knew that. So I’d have to call Ray after and get him to help her understand. He’d make her see that she was better than me in the first place. He’d stop her hurting; at least, that’s what I hoped.

Self-pity was weighing down on me. Why did this have to happen to me? Was I really that bad a person that I had to just keep being punished over and over? What had I done so wrong for karma to put this on me again? After everything I’d already been through, now I was going back to jail and losing the only thing that was good in my life. Tears stung my eyes because I really didn’t want to do this, but I had to.

I gulped and dialled her number that I knew by heart. Silently I prayed that I could get the words out before the ginormous lie choked me. I had to do it. I loved her too much to let her spend her life waiting for me. She deserved better than that, better than a scumbag boyfriend who would never be good enough for her in a million years. I was wrong to think that I’d ever be free of this life. For the last couple of months I’d been living a fantasy, dreaming of being free of it all and things being different, but that’s all it was, wishful thinking.
This
is who I was, just a no good waster with dreams of making something of themselves.

~ Ellie ~

An annoying shrill sound was blaring near my head, making my ears ring as it dragged me into consciousness. I groaned, rolling over stretching my hand out for my cellphone that was vibrating on the side. As my hand closed over it I blinked my stinging eyes and looked at the clock. 6:23 a.m.

Who on earth would be calling me at this time of the morning? The ringtone was just the standard bell phone so I knew it wasn’t anyone that I had stored in my contacts. One glance at the caller ID confirmed that fact because the words ‘private number’ were flashing on my screen.

I debated rejecting it. If I didn’t know the person then chances was that it was a wrong number or something anyway. My head felt heavy, my eyes stinging because I’d only fallen asleep a couple of hours ago due to my overexcitement about today. Unwillingly I answered it and yawned at the same time.

“Hello?” I mumbled, settling back into the bed.

“Hey, Ellie.”

A smile crept onto my lips at the sound of his voice. “Hey you,” I cooed. “Do you know what time it is? Can’t you sleep either?” I chewed on my lip and sighed happily.

He cleared his throat. “Sorry I called so early, I just, I need to speak to you.” His voice sounded a little off, a little tight but I dismissed it thinking that he was just tired or something. Maybe he’d only just got home from his boost and hadn’t actually been to sleep yet.

“Okay, what’s up?” I rolled to my front, propping myself up on my elbows. There was silence on the other end of the phone and I felt the frown slip onto my forehead. “Jamie? Is everything okay?”

“Not really,” he answered. I gulped, flicking on my bedside light, immediately starting to worry that he was sick or hurt. “Ellie, I can’t…. I’m not coming with you today.”

“Huh?” He wasn’t coming, what the heck was he talking about?

He blew out a big breath making it whistle slightly down the line. “I’ve been thinking about it all night and I decided that it’s not the right thing for me. I thought I could do it, I thought I could give up everything for you, but I can’t. I’m sorry.”

His words just weren’t making sense in my head. I frowned, trying to work out what he was talking about. He didn’t want to go? “You…. don’t…. Jamie, what?” I stuttered, confused.

“I was thinking about what happened between us last night, when you came over and accused me of killing Sophie,” he muttered.

I gulped. A wave of guilt washed over me again because I really shouldn’t have entertained that thought for a second. I’d obviously hurt him by thinking that of him, he’d already admitted that to me last night. “I’m sorry about that,” I whispered, wincing.

He sighed. “I couldn’t stop thinking about it, and then it suddenly hit me, I can’t be with someone who doubts me like that.”

Can’t be with someone
…. My body stiffened as I started to understand what he was saying, but my brain refused to accept it. “What are you talking about?”

“Ellie, look, this was fun, I had a great time with you. I really thought we were good together but travelling with you would mean that I’d have to give up everything here, my friends, my work, my home. I thought I was okay doing that, I thought it would be fine, but after last night I realised that it’s not what I should be doing.” His words felt like he’d shoved a knife in my stomach and was twisting it.

“So you don’t want to go?” I asked needing clarification. I knew he was giving up a lot for me, that’s why I was so shocked when he suggested it in the first place. It was my dream, not his, but yet he was changing his whole life just to do something that I wanted.

“No.”

I gulped and nodded. The disappointment was settling into the pit of my stomach, I’d been so excited for weeks and now we weren’t getting to go, but I understood what he was saying, it wasn’t fair of me to have expected that he do that in the first place. “Okay. I understand. We won’t go then.

I don’t think we could get a refund on the tickets for tomorrow but at least we hadn’t booked too many nights in hotels and stuff. It’s fine,” I agreed. I laughed quietly. “I think my parents will be a little relieved actually,” I added, thinking of my mom’s sad expression earlier.

“You’re taking this really well,” he said. His voice shook as he spoke, almost like he was disappointed that I wasn’t freaking out or something.

I shrugged, trying not to let my disappointment sound in my voice. “It’s okay, I understand. Are you coming over today? Maybe you could help me break the news to my parents,” I suggested closing my eyes and praying he wasn’t going to say what my heart already knew he was going to say.

“Ellie, are you not understanding what I’m saying?” he asked incredulously.

“Don’t,” I whispered. My eyes prickled with tears as I focussed on the ceiling trying not to let them fall.

“I’m sorry, okay. It’s just not working for me, after last night I know how you really see me and I can’t be with someone that thinks that of me,” he stated nonchalantly.

Oh God. “Jamie, it was just a spur of the moment mistake, I jumped to the wrong conclusion and I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry, but please don’t throw us away because of that, please,” I begged desperately.

“You threw us away the second you thought I could hurt my little sister,” he shot back harshly.

“I’m sorry, I’m really sorry. Please forgive me. We’ll work through it, we can do that I know we can. We’ll stay here and just work through it, please?” I closed my eyes and prayed for a second chance. Part of me knew deep down though that this was the end, he sounded so final, so detached, he wasn’t listening to my pleas. I guess it was about time that he realised he could do better than me.

“After you left last night, everything just kept playing over and over in my head. I love you, Ellie, I do, but it’s just not enough, not after what you thought of me. After the boost I went to a bar with some of the boys…. I met a girl there.” His words honestly felt like he’d slapped me across the face.

A girl? I whimpered as my mind filled in the blanks.

“I realised as I was talking to her that you and I just aren’t going anywhere. I realised that I couldn’t give up everything for you because we just weren’t right together, not really,” he continued. “You obviously don’t know me at all if you could doubt me like that, and I thought I knew you better too.

That’s all there is to it.”

“That’s all there is to it?” I repeated incredulously.

“Yeah, so I guess that’s it. You take care, okay?” he said dismissively.

My mouth dropped open in shock because this was all happening so fast. I never even saw this coming; this was all so quick and out of the blue. One minute we were planning our lives together, and the next he’s telling me it was over? My heart and head just couldn’t process it all.

“Jamie, what the hell? That’s it? Are you kidding me?” I asked, shaking my head in disbelief.

“I slept with the girl last night. She was good, it made me realise that I wasn’t ready to settle down, especially not with someone who doubts me,” he explained.

He slept with her? Did he seriously just say that? My whole body tightened as hurt radiated through my system. But part of me refused to believe it. Jamie was an incredible person, so sweet and thoughtful; he wouldn’t have cheated, would he? “No you didn’t. You wouldn’t do that, you love me. You didn’t cheat, you’re just trying to hurt me,” I whispered, silently praying that I was right.

But my lack of self-confidence was coming back to haunt me, I always knew I wasn’t good enough for him….

He snorted. “Don’t be so big-headed. There’s nothing about you that could hold my attention for that long. You’re nothing special, Ellie. I’m a guy, guys cheat it’s what we’re good at,” he shot back.

I gulped, tears pooled in my eyes making my vision slightly blurry. “Jamie, no,” I whispered. My heart was aching, my chest tightened painfully as my stomach started to tremble because of his rejection.

“Yeah, Ellie. This girl was a blonde little Barbie lookalike who knew how to please a man, not a blushing little girl. I don’t love you enough to give up my life for you, I thought I did but last night and you doubting me just made me think about our relationship. It’s not working and I was fooling myself to think that it was. It’s over.”

My blood seemed to turn to ice in my veins at the finality of his tone. I didn’t know what to say, I opened my mouth to speak but all that came out was a strangled little sob. The two words were on repeat in my head ‘it’s over’. I didn’t want that, I couldn’t lose him I was totally crazy about him, I saw him in my future, actually, I saw him
as
my future.

“Can’t we talk about it? We won’t go then if you don’t want to; we’ll stay here and work it out if you don’t want to give up your life. I can understand that, just don’t say it’s over, please?” I begged.

“Have some self-respect, Christ! I’ve just told you that slept with someone else last night. I’ve just climbed out of her bed, and you want to work things out?” he hissed angrily.

His words made me flinch. I knew I was being stupid, right now I was behaving like a doormat but I loved him and I wanted to work it out with him. The way I felt when I was with him made me want to forgive him for his indiscretion, to be honest I didn’t even care that much. He was right, I probably wasn’t enough for him but I could try to be. “I love you,” I mumbled, swiping at the tears that were endlessly falling down my face. “I’m…. I’m coming over and we can talk, okay?” I swung my legs over the bed, immediately looking for something I could throw on and go talk to him. I needed to look into his eyes, I needed to hold his hand, smell his smell. I just plain old needed him right now and I couldn’t do this over the phone, I couldn’t beg over the phone, I needed to see him to show him how much I loved him.