Fighting to be Free by Kirsty Moseley (22 page)

We were spending the day together today, hanging out and chilling then going to watch a movie with Stacey and Paul later. We’d seen them yesterday too. The girls had gone shopping for dresses for the school dance that I’d somehow agreed to go to, and Paul and I had to go rent a suit each. The dance was next Friday and I wasn’t looking forward to it at all, for one thing, I didn’t really dance. I mean, I could do the subtle ‘guy dance’ that consisted of foot shuffling, and I could grind back up against her while she shook her ass. But I couldn’t do the ‘proper dancing’ that would be expected of me. Did they do all that waltzy crap at a school dance? I was going to make myself look like a complete dick, but I guess I didn’t really care as long as she enjoyed herself.

Her breath was blowing across my stomach as she slept, making the hair on the back of my neck stand up with excitement. I traced my finger along the line of her nose, just smiling to myself that this girl was mine. I still couldn’t believe it, even after a month. I wanted desperately to tell her I loved her, but I wasn’t quite sure she felt the same, and I didn’t want to scare her away from me by being too forward, so I kept it to myself for the time being.

She moved slightly, snuggling against me, pressing her face into my stomach more, so I froze, hoping she’d sleep a little while longer just so I could just watch her like a pervert stalker. She sighed in her sleep, “Jamie, will you buy me some ice-cream? Not the mint one though….. I don’t want to have to clear up the chocolate chips,” she muttered, frowning.

I grinned and tried not to laugh. “Sure, Ellie. What flavour shall I get?” I asked, playing along with her in her sleep in a bid to keep her talking.

She sighed again, “Whatever you want, I only want to throw it at the cats anyway.”

I burst out laughing at her randomness and she jerked up, looking around shocked, with wide eyes.

“What?” she gasped, her voice husky and thick with sleep as she put her hand over her heart, a little scared look on her face. That made me laugh harder so she looked down at me like I was crazy.

“What’s funny? That scared the shit out of me!” she whined, flopping down at my side, pouting at me.

I smiled and rolled to my side, pulling her close to me again. “You’re so cute sometimes, Ellison.”

She raised one eyebrow, and I bit back another laugh. She really did hate her full name, maybe it was the fact that her mom insisted on calling her it all the time. “Sorry. I meant, Ellie,” I corrected, winking at her.

She rolled her eyes and scooted closer to me, “What’s with the scary wakeup call? That freaked me out, you big meanie!” she scolded, slapping my chest lightly before stroking the exact same spot.

I shrugged, “Sorry. Hey, you know before we go to the movie later, you think maybe we could stop and get some ice-cream? There’s some cats down the road that piss me off to high heaven,” I joked, laughing again as she looked at me like I was crazy.

“Ice-cream and cats, how are they related? Are you on something that I don’t know about?” she asked, her nose scrunching up in confusion.

I smirked at her and rolled on top of her, pinning her down to the bed. “Yeah, I’m
on
you.”

She immediately blushed as usual, a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. “Well, while you’re there……” she trailed off suggestively and I felt my whole body rejoicing as I crashed my lips to hers. God damn, I loved my girlfriend!

Three hours later and I couldn’t stop thinking about my mom. I could tell Ellie was getting worried, and probably slightly annoyed with me, because she kept having to repeat herself when I wasn’t really listening to her. My mind just kept wandering off, wondering if she was in trouble again, what sort of thing she’d got herself into this time. I tried my best not to care, but I couldn’t help it.

Ellie kicked me in the foot and I jerked out of my worry again, to look up at her. She was sitting across the table, looking at me concerned. I looked around and smiled apologetically at Stacey and Paul who were also both looking at me, waiting for something. Crap, had they been talking to me and I was off daydreaming about my mom?

“Sorry,” I muttered sheepishly.

Ellie’s hand stretched across the table and took mine, squeezing lightly to get my attention. “Is everything ok? You’ve been distant all morning. What’s up?” she asked, her grey eyes boring into me, as if she was trying to pull the answers from my eyes.

I smiled and shook my head to clear it. “Yeah, I just…..” I trailed off, not really wanting to elaborate too much, especially not in front of her friends. It was then that I realised that I wasn’t going to be able to get this out of my mind until I saw for myself what was going on with my mom.

“Actually, I have a couple of things I need to sort out. I don’t think I’m going to be able to make the movie.” I winced, waiting for her reaction to me just cancelling our plans without so much as a proper explanation. Ellie would probably be pissed with me about this, and so she should, this wasn’t the type of thing that good boyfriends did.

She nodded, looking at me concerned. “Ok. Want me to help you with whatever it is?” she asked.

Again, I was struck by another wave of love for her. She really was the most incredible thing that I had in my life. Just the way that she looked at me made me feel different, I loved the Jamie Cole that she saw when she looked at me. I wanted to be the guy that she thought I was, that one that she saw in me.

I smiled at her gratefully, “No thanks, little girl. Sorry I have to skip out of the movie,” I said, looking at them all apologetically.

Ellie waved her hand dismissively. “No worries, I’ll let you make it up to me another time.” She smirked at me and I couldn’t help but laugh at the suggestion on her face. I knew exactly how I’d be making it up to her, and I would imagine it involved me and her……. watching The Notebook, again.

I got up out of the booth and pushed my fries in Paul’s direction motioning for him to finish off my untouched McDonalds. I stepped to Ellie’s side and bent down kissing her fiercely, showing her how grateful I was that she was such an amazing girlfriend. I pulled away after a few more seconds and kissed her forehead lightly, letting my lips linger on her skin, hoping that her taste and her smell would overpower the bitterness that I would feel from the visit to my mother.

“I’ll call you,” I promised. I kissed her lightly again and she gripped my shirt, pulling me closer to her, biting on my bottom lip lightly. I moaned and pulled away from her before I wouldn’t be able to. I was desperately in love with the girl’s personality, her kindness and thoughtfulness…….. but that didn’t mean I didn’t want her body like a fat kid wanted chocolate cake. She literally drove me wild, I was still a guy after all and Ellie was one serious little hottie cheerleader.

“See ya,” she whispered, smiling her beautiful smile, the one that made my heart melt because I was the only one that got that smile from her.

I sighed and stood up, looking at Stacey and Paul, “See ya guys, sorry about bailing. You’ll get Ellie home safe, right?”

Stacey waved her hand dismissively, “Sure we will, and don’t worry about it, Jamie,” she assured me. Paul on the other hand, just smiled and nodded, shoving half of my fries in his mouth in one go, earning him an elbow to the ribs from the feisty little blonde he was dating. I smiled and shot one last look at Ellie before I headed out to my car, my heart sinking with every step took.

I really didn’t want to go and do this. I didn’t want to see her, to face her again. I didn’t want her to tell me that she was in trouble and that I was going to have to bail her out again. I didn’t want her to drag me back into that life that I fought so hard against everyday. I was finally free of that life, I was out of it and I desperately wanted it to stay that way. That just wasn’t me anymore. I wasn’t Jamie Cole, expert car thief and all round badass. I was Jamie Cole, guy who worked his ass off at a scrap dealers everyday, just to earn the money to treat his sweet little girlfriend to things that she’d like.

I got into my car and took a deep breath, trying to calm down the turmoil of anger, hurt and misery that was all churning in my stomach, making me feel slightly sick.

As I drove down the familiar streets I felt my hands start to get sweaty, my back automatically straightened, my heart started to speed up. I had no control over these things, they happened automatically. It suddenly hit me that the last time I had headed towards this house, was before I was a murderer. The last time I had headed away from this house, I was in a cop car, dried blood still on my hands and splashed up my face, staining my clothes. I hadn’t been near that place in five years, and I didn’t want to be going there now.

I gulped as I passed the group of kids playing in the street, the little girls jumping rope and singing on a Sunday afternoon. I can remember watching Sophie do things like that, while I had stood up against the wall, being the protective big brother and watching out for her. I forced my eyes away from the group as they laughed and danced around the street, so happy, so carefree. I was never like that. Sophie was, I made sure she was, but me on the other hand, I didn’t get a childhood. The childhood I did have, I tried my best not to remember.

The drive down the street seemed to be taking forever as I saw things that stuck out in my memories from when I was a kid. Things like Mrs Motter who was still sitting on her doorstep, smoking, her hair pulled back into the messy topknot, her clothes still looked the same as I remembered. I couldn’t help but wonder if she would recognise me if I walked up to her now, would she still invite me inside for lemonade and cookies because she thought I looked thin?

I spotted the fire hydrant that someone had once ran over, I remembered how the water was jetting everywhere, while me and the other kids from the street laughed and ran through the spray, making it the best hot summer day ever. I saw the store that I used to steal ice-creams from for Sophie at the weekends, only to sneak money under the cash register when I had it, to pay for them because I knew it was wrong to steal. All of these memories were so painfully fresh in my mind it was like it happened just yesterday.

Finally, I pulled up outside the familiar house. I couldn’t get out of the car. I tried to force myself to get out and walk up the familiar broken path and knock on the door, but I just couldn’t move. I could barely even breathe through the emotions that this one brick building was stirring in me.

I raked my eyes over the place that I should know as ‘home’, but I never saw it that way. This two story house looked more like a prison to me. Everything about the house screamed, unloved, abandoned and abused, which I guess sums up my whole life.

I dragged my eyes over the cracked bricks, the grey slate roof that was missing a couple of tiles, the black patch on the wall where the water was just running down the house instead of going down the broken guttering. All of these things seemed to make this place even more daunting to me, even more scary and I felt like a kid again. A scared little kid that wasn’t even man enough to get out of the car. It was like the house, and the memories that I knew were inside, were taunting me, laughing at me, even. How the hell could my mother still live in this house after everything that happened here?

The house seemed smaller somehow, unless that’s because I had grown up so much since I had last been here. The trash cans were overflowing outside, spilling used food cartons and cheap wine bottles everywhere. The paint was peeling on the windows, one of them boarded up with chipboard.

I let my eyes wander over the front door. It was different to the one that was there when I was a kid, probably because the police had smashed the thing down the day I was arrested.

I tried my hardest not to remember that day. It was the worst day of my life, the day that the one thing that was important to me, was lost. That was the day that I ceased to matter, the day that made my whole existence no longer necessary. That was the day that my little sister died.

I looked down at my hands, a little shocked to see that they weren’t still covered in blood, that my knuckles weren’t still raw and bleeding. It felt so real coming back here, all of the loss and grief seemed to be flooding back into my system and I wasn’t sure if I cope with it.

It was worse than when I went to her grave, this place was where she died, this was her home. It was the place where she would kiss me goodnight, and jump on me in the morning because she wanted me to make her breakfast.

What hurt me the most was that this crappy little place was the last thing she saw before she died.

She never got the chance to experience life, she never got to travel or have her first kiss, never got to go to a party or fall in love. She missed out on so much, and it was all my fault……

I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and considered calling Ellie, I just really needed to speak to her right now, just hear her voice for a second to pull me out of the slump I was falling into. I could feel the depression pulling at the edges of my system and I really wanted to see Ellie so I could think about something else.

It scared me how much I needed her, I had never needed anyone in my life, I made sure I could take care of myself, I worked hard so that I never had to rely on anyone then I would never get let down.

If I didn’t depend on anyone then I wouldn’t have to feel the rejection and disappointment when they screwed up or gave up on me. I had learnt at an early age that the only one I could depend on was myself.

In a way I wished I had never met Ellie, that I had just pushed through my life without ever feeling like this, then I would have no one that could hurt me, I wouldn’t have to worry about losing her.

But another part of me knew that what I had before Ellie wasn’t a life, it was just an existence where I just cruised through life on a knife edge. One side of the knife was depression and sadness, the other side of the knife was the crime that I used to think was normal.

I pulled her number up on my screen, just looking at it. I could just start the car again and drive back to her side, we could go see the movie and I could pretend that my mother died when Sophie did. I could go to Ellie and turn my back on the only family I had left and let her deal with her problems herself, she didn’t deserve my help anyway.