Fifty Shades of Shade - "The Fifty Shades of Grey Parady" (10 page)

             
Miss
Chastity
Stool
of 111111114 SW Brown St, Apt. 7, Somehwere, WA 98875
(“The Submissive”)

The Parties Agree As Follows:

             
The following are the terms of a binding contract between the Dominant and the Submissive:

FUNDAMENTAL TERMS.

1.
                   
The fundamental purpo
se of this contract is to allow the Submissive to explore her sensuality and her limits safely, with respect and regards for her needs, her limits, her well-being, and her tiny vaginey.

2.
                  
The Dominant and Submissive agree and acknowledge that all that occurs under the terms of this contract will be consensual, confidential, and subject to the agreed limit—

Blahblahblah. I couldn’t even go on reading it, it was so boring. Not like “Jane Eyre” at all. Then I stopped to think about what I was actually doing here. In the last forty-eight hours I got drunk for the first time, lost my virginity, and was offered a contract by a bazillionaire to be his sex slave. Everyone usually gets all that over with in their teens. I guess I’m a late bloomer.

             
I skip forward a little:

APPENDIX 3:

Soft Limits

Does the Submissive consent to:


                    
Masturbation


                    
Cunnilingus


                    
Fun-nilingus


                    
Swallowing semen


                    
Gargling, then swallowing semen


                    
Vaginal Interfisting


                    
Doing it in the poop-chute


                    
Sudoku

Does the Submissive consent to:


                    
Vibrators


                    
Butt plugs


                    
Dildos


                    
Musical dildos


                    
Rosary beads


                    
Other vaginal/anal toys

My head is spinning. I almost feel nauseous. I somehow continue:

Does the Submissive consent to:


                    
Bondage with rope


                    
Bondage with leather cuffs


                    
Bondage with pretzels (soft)


                    
Bondage with handcuffs/shackles


                    
Bondage with other

I didn’t know what kind of device “Other” was (it sounded spooky), but everything else scared the hell out of me even more. I was torn. I wanted more than anything to please this man. But at the same time everything listed sent shivers down my spine. I felt the fear in my soul.

What about me?

I feel it in you too, Subconscious.

You better not be cheating on me with Soul!

As I put down the contract and go back to the computer I realize I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Suddenly, I look behind me and there’s a man dressed in business wear standing there with a friendly smile.

“Ah.” I jump.

             
“Hello. Mr. Shade sent me to set up your computer.”

             
“Do you just appear in places out of nowhere like that?”

             
“Yep.”

             
I collect myself. “Okay. Go right ahead.” I let him set it up. As he finishes everything he beckons me over to take a look.”

             
“So it’s all set up here. This is your Me account.”

             
“Me account?”

             
“Your e-mail account.”

             
I have an e-mail account?
Can anyone please explain to me how anyone can make it through college this day in age without an e-mail address??
No, Subconscious. Nobody can.

             
The IT guy concludes his instruction and leaves. A surprised Melissa shows him out.

             
“How did he get in here?” she asks me.

             
“Shade.”

             
“Ah.” She turns and leaves, satisfied with the answer.

             
I look back at the computer screen. It’s so glowy. I see that I have my first e-mail. I try just telling the computer to open it. Doesn’t work. I try pressing the part of the screen where the e-mail is. Nothing either. Then I realize it’s probably motion activated, like the fancy sinks in the airports. I wave my hands in front of one of the blinking lights on the side. Still nothing. Angry, I smash my fist against the computer. My e-mail opens. That worked.

             
It says I have an e-mail from Sebastian Shade.
An e-mail from Sebastian Shade! I wonder what he’s like:

From:  Sebastian Shade

Subject:  Your new computer

Date:  May 22, 2012

To: 
Chastity
Stool

Dear Miss
Stool
,

             
I trust you slept well. I hope you put this laptop to good use, as discussed. Look forward to dinner Wednesday. Happy to answer any questions you might have before then.

             
             
             
             
             
             
             
             
Sebastian Shade

             
             
             
             
             
             
             
             
CEO Shade Enterprise, Inc.

             
I hit reply.

From: 
Chastity
Stool

Subject:  Your new computer

Date:  May 23, 2012

To:  Sebastian Shade

             
I slept very well, thank you. This computer is just a loan right?

P.S.  Is yours motion-activated?
             
 
             
             

Chastity

             
His reply is instant.

From:  Sebastian Shade

Subject:  Indefinite loan

Date:  May 23, 2012

To: 
Chastity
Stool

             
The computer is an indefinite loan. I trust you read the documentations. Any questions so far?

                                                                                      
                
Sebastian Shade

             
             
             
             
             
             
             
             
       
CEO Shade Enterprise, Inc.

From: 
Chastity
Stool

Subject:  Leaf-mark in coffee milk

Date:  May 23, 2012

To:  Sebastian Shade

             
Many questions. How do they get that leaf-mark in the coffee milk?

Chastity

From:  Sebastian Shade

Subject:  Leaf-mark in coffee milk

Date:  May 23, 2012

To: 
Chastity
Stool

             
About the contract, I mean.

                                                                                      
        
Sebastian Shade

             
             
             
             
             
             
             
             
CEO Shade Enterprise, Inc.

From: 
Chastity
Stool

Subject:  Oh

Date:  May 23, 2012

To:  Sebastian Shade

             
Oh. Yes. Many. But not suitable for email.

Chastity

From:  Sebastian Shade

Subject:  Research

Date:  May 23, 2012

To: 
Chastity
Stool

             
Have you started research yet? You should be working on your assignment.

             
                                                                       
           
Sebastian Shade

             
             
             
             
             
             
             
             
CEO Shade Enterprise, Inc.

From: 
Chastity
Stool

Subject:  Research

Date:  May 23, 2012

To:  Sebastian Shade

             
Where should I start? I tried whispering “internet research” into the computer’s ear. Nothing happened. Please advise.

Chastity

From:  Sebastian Shade

Subject:  Research

Date:  May 23, 2012

To: 
Chastity
Stool

             
Always start with Wikipedia. Now stop emailing me and get to it already

                                                                                      
        
Sebastian Shade

             
             
             
             
             
             
             
             
CEO Shade Enterprise, Inc.

             
What a bossypants. I type “Submissive” into Wikipedia. Half hour later I feel queasy and shocked. Is this what happens in the Red Room of Pain? Unimaginable. But that small part of me that just got sexed up for the first time feels different. It feels turned on by all this. But the rest of me says I can’t handle it. I mean, did you
see
that one picture of that woman? Well, of course you didn’t. I haven’t described it to you. Just believe me, it was quite jarring.

             
My head. I need some space. I’m going to go for a run and then jump off a bridge.

             
Wednesday comes and I meet Sebastian at the Barble Mar (formerly the Marble Bar). Sebastian is leaning casually against the bar, drinking a glass of white wine being held by Cheryl. I borrowed one of Melissa’s fancy dresses and stilettos. It was difficult to drive in these high-heels—I ran over six pedestrians on the way here—but as I look on at this beautiful man I don’t think about any of that. I don’t think about much of anything besides
him.
He turns and sees me, sending Cheryl away, ordering him to leave the wine.