Few Things Left Unsaid (27 page)

Whatever the reason, it was enough for me to the conclude that breaking up was the only thing left.It was not easy for me to send that message leaving behind everything, but I had to. No other option was left. I felt sad for Riya. She was trapped. But I knew she would realise someday. I also knew she wouldn’t ever be back. This was the sad end. But if it had to be this way, I was ready for it. Atleast I was ready to show I was ok with it. But somewhere it hurt.

  IT WAS THE END OF EVERYTHING

            
  
WORST DAYS OF MY LIFE

                                                      
E
xam came. I didn’t study at all. I was screwing up everything. I was making my life hell. I was not able to concentrate on anything. Everybody explained to me. I did not listen to anyone. My mom was unaware of all these things. I did not want to hurt her. It was the end of life maybe. I was just living for the sake of it. Exams came and went. I did not sit for 2 papers. The reason was weird. I bunked two university papers of 3rd semester. Riya was in the same class as me. She had the same exam hall. I left the hall and went away. I bunked electrical networks and maths 2. I didn’t care.  All vacations went spending time alone. I did not want to meet anyone. Sameer was with me. I lost contact with Neha. I didn’t know where she was.

What was happening in her life. I lost contact with Riya. It hurt me the most. My heart still skipped a beat when I heard her name or saw her in college.

After 15 days, the exam results were displayed. I went all alone this time to see my result. I avoided Anup and Swapnil  . They were in I.T and used to talk with Riya. Our group was broken. Everything changed. Sameer was with me. My only friend. He was not with me in college though. He had a drop.

I checked my result. It was not surprising. 3 kt.

Maths2 , maths3, and electrical networks….

I checked Riya’s result. She had 2 kt. I checked Neha’s result. She had cleared. She never cared though. Everything changed. I didn’t know what Amit’s result was. He was in a different college. Neha was a closed chapter. Swapnil and Anup were no longer with me. Infact I decided to go away from them. Riya and Amit was a closed chapter for me. But it was a new chapter in their life.

I had started screwing engineering. I had started screwing my life.

Today after 3rd semester no one was with me. It was just Sameer and me…..

It was the beginning of the 4th semester. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just a wounded little boy in me talking. As I move on I remembered all the times we had spent together. It was terrible facing the world without you. I could not concentrate in college. Each classroom gave me the feel of you being with me. Every moment was difficult to me. It was impossible to face the college like this.  It was like a moon facing the sun when it’s emitting maximum light. I tried to avoid every place in college where we had been together. But there was no place like this. I started avoiding college itself. Each day I screwed up my life more and more. I was aware of it but I could not help it.

“Aadi, please concentrate on studies. You have a golden paper and kt also. At least attend lectures. Else you will have problem in submission,” Sameer said.

“I couldn’t face it. Whenever I went in college I felt like crying. Whenever I saw her in college I felt like talking to her. I know I couldn’t talk to her. I couldn’t talk to her anymore. I had to admit that I couldn’t get Riya back in my life but that made me love her more. I was not supposed to love her, care for her. I should not be in the hope that she would come back. I was not supposed to wonder what Riya was doing and where she was, but I could not help it because I was in love with her. Even today I loved her. I seriously didn’t know what was it in her that made me go mad.” I could have continued talking but Sameer stopped me.

When I saw her I just wanted her on the bed. As days passed I realised how much I liked her. I realised I loved her. But it was too late. I got everything that I wanted. Then why did I have to challenge my destiny and end up landing nowhere. Today when I was alone I thought I should not have taken admission in engineering. I would not have met her. I really wish I had not have liked her. Today I would not have missed her. These were the worst days of my life.

I was missing my friends too. I had stopped talking to them because of Riya. It hurted me more. Sameer was there with me always. Today also he was with me. Sameer and I decided to go to Lonavala. I was ready to bunk college. We decided to go in the morning and come by late evening. I took 2 packets of cigarettes with me. I was continuously smoking all the way on the bike.

“What is wrong with you? This is your eighth cigarette and we haven’t reached Lonavela yet. Still 30 minutes to go.” Sameer shouted at me.

“Let it be. Now no one can stop me. I can live my life as I want. I am fed up with these tears. I will not cry for her anymore. From now this cigarette is my girlfriend and I trust her. She can never leave me.” I smoked another cigarette.

Sameer started driving the bike again. We reached Lonavela.

Sitting near the dam we opened our 1st can of beer. I was thinking about Riya. I was wondering whether she had really loved me. If she had why did she leave me. And today if she left me then why was I still thinking of her even when I was 100km away from her. All questions remained unanswered.Few things are always left unsaid.

“Sameer, what can you say about my relationship?” I asked him

“I didn’t get you. What you want to know?”

“Do you really think Riya loved me? Or what you think I love her? What exactly is happening?”

I was losing my senses again as I had the 2nd can of beer.

“Of course Riya loved you. No doubt about that. She loved you more than you did. You never understood her. I know what she did is wrong but it had to end like this. She will understand some day that whatever she did is wrong.”

It was the second time I was drinking beer. I liked it this time. My nerves stopped supporting my physical state.The 2nd can was finished. I stopped drinking.

“I really want to curse Riya. She betrayed me. I want her life to be….” Sameer stopped me.

“Let me speak. You don’t know what I am facing. I want tell the whole world what we did. I will make her life…” Sameer again stopped me.

“Stop it Aadi. Why are you cursing her? What will you get from it? You love her today also. Then why all these things?”

I closed my eyes and slept for sometime. We returned by 8pm. This was the day when my life took me in a direction, which had a dead end. I started smoking regularly. I should say I started smoking every hour. A chain smoker. Moreover, a highly rated drinker. I never realised how it started and how I got used to it. However, I started drinking regularly. Almost daily. I had stopped attending lectures regularly.

Sameer had some work in college regarding his rechecking result. We went to the college together. Everyone who knew me was looking at me strangely. I could not understand the reason behind it. We went near the office. I saw Riya there coming with Amit. Amit was holding her hand. She was not looking normal. She was walking as if she had hurt her leg. As she came near I could see she was holding her stomach. Amit was supporting her. I left the office and went to the quadrangle.

“Hey where were you Aditya? I hope you know Riya had an operation” A guy from my class told me.

“What operation? What for?” I asked.

“She had an abortion.” He went away saying this. I wanted to ask him how he knew about it.

My world shattered when I heard this. I looked at Sameer. He could not look in my eyes. How? When? Why? Is it true? If then from whom? Amit or me? It’s been long she has been touch with me. How could it be me? Amit? Still she is with him? How can Riya do this? I don’t believe. Riya could never do this. She is smart enough to take care of herself. I wanted answers to all the questions.

I called her. She had changed her number. I called Amit. Even he had changed his number. I took her number from Swapnil and called her. I told her to meet me after 1 hour. She agreed and we decided to meet in college.

 She still could not walk properly. I did not show any reaction even if I was going to talk to her after a long time. I wanted answers to all questions. She looked upset.

“What happened to you? Is it true what I have heard? You had an operation.” I asked her.

“Yes. I had an operation 3 days back. I had messaged you on orkut. Didn’t you check it? I missed you when I was about to enter the operation theatre. I wanted you to be there” she had tears in her eyes.

What was happening? I was not able to understand anything. She had admitted that she had an operation. I could not believe my ears. I was in tears. How could Riya do this? But she said she missed me. Did she mean that it was my child? She killed my child? But how could it be? I could not believe it. I was shocked.

“Why did you have an operation?” my heartbeats increased.

“Operation for appendicities. It’s still paining.” She said.

Oh my God! I was relieved. She did not have an abortion. I would have died if it had been true. I calmed down. I was really happy and I left saying bye to her. I still don’t know why she missed me then when she had Amit with her. I didn’t care. I wanted to stop the rumours, which were spreading in college. Riya was clean. I knew it. However, I feared. I trusted her but not Amit. I told everyone whom I could that why she had an operation. I shut the people’s mouth by telling them the real reason. I hit a few classmates who still had a doubt. They didn’t speak a word after that. I was relaxed to hear that the abortion rumours were just rumours. I would have killed myself if it were true. But it wasn’t. I knew my Riya couldn’t do anything silly. But I soon realised Riya was not mine anymore.

I went to a wine shop and bought 2 beer cans. Sameer joined me. He did not drink much. But he gave me company. Even I didn’t know why I was drinking. Was it because Riya did not have an abortion or was it because Riya was not mine…

“I am happy Sameer. Riya did not have an abortion. I would have died if it was true. Cheers. Cheers as I am happy. Or maybe still I love her. She missed me while she had an operation. She cried.”

“If she comes to know that you are drinking so much and smoking too, what will she feel? She won’t accept you.” Sameer said.

“She won’t accept me anyways. Forget it. Let’s enjoy ourselves.”

Mom used to ask me about Riya several times but I ignored her words. I did not want to spoil her image in front my parents. I still loved her. Mom used to call Riya but she had changed her number. She somewhat got the hint that we had a break up. But she never said anything about it

              
  SHATTERED DREAMS

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y life style had changed. My behaviour had changed. My likes and dislikes had changed. I almost stopped attending college. Cigarette and beer were my likes and girls and studies became my dislikes. I never wanted to curse Riya. But I did. Whether it was in a conscious state or otherwise, what mattered was that I cursed her. I cursed her family, her family business and her life. Today I feel bad about it.

Final defaulter list of 4th semester was displayed. I searched my name in it. My attendance was 52% in all subjects. My attendance for ECAD 2 which Shinde sir taught was 45%.

I went along with all defaulter students to the head of department. There were almost 25 students. But 5 students were in limelight along with me. Only 5 students were told to wait, along with me.