Feeling This (6 page)

I push up from the couch now fully awake
and aware that something must be wrong. I grasp the door handle, unlock it and
swing it open. My dad is standing there with fear plastered across his face. I
will never forget that look. It will haunt me for years to come.

He walks in forcefully and tells me,
“Jordan, I need you to sit down.”

I frown and start to protest but he turns
to face me. His expression has turned to pure agony. I rush out breathless, “Is
Mom okay? What happened?”

He repeats more firmly this time placing
his hand on my shoulder, “Jordan, sit down.”

I fall back into the couch bracing myself
for the worst. Something must have happened to my mother.

He walks around the coffee table and sits
down next to me cautiously, “Jordan, your mother is fine.”

I release a deep breath that I didn’t know
I was holding.

He continues, “It’s Susan.” he looks away,
“She took some pills.”

Terror strikes me at his words. Before I
can respond and ask if I heard him correctly, he finishes in a rush of breath,
“Jordan, she’s gone.”

Suddenly it’s as if I’m drowning. I feel
like I’m about to lose the battle but I want to come up for air. My chest
heaves and my heart beats so fast it feels like it will explode. I can’t move
or even think.

He grabs my hand and squeezes, “Son?
Jordan?”

I look at him and what he is saying
registers but it seems like he is so far away. Then it all slams into me and
I’m gasping. I whisper, “No, she can’t. How? Why?”

But as what he told me registers, I know
somehow that he’s telling the truth.

Before I can think, my body moves off the
couch and I’m heading for the door. As I grab the handle, I feel my dad’s hand
on my shoulder pulling me back. I shrug him off and turn abruptly ready to
punch something.

He holds his hands out in front of him,
“Jordan, wait a moment. Just come back and sit down, calm down.”

I take a step toward him and tell him
quietly with as much energy as I can muster, “I need to see, Dad. I need to see
her.”

He looks at me with sorrow and nods walking
in front of me and opening the door.

The car is silent on the short ten minute
drive to the hospital. Tears run down my cheeks when the realization that I
have lost my life hits me. I didn’t help her soon enough. I failed her.

When we arrive, a fog settles over me. Somehow
everyone who speaks to me gets an appropriate response. When we exit the
elevators, my mom and Susan’s parents are sitting in the waiting room. My mom
gets up in a hurry and runs over to us, taking my face in her hands and hugging
me.  Through her tears she repeats over and over again that she is so sorry. As
I scan the room, my eyes land on those of her father’s. He is staring at me
with a look of complete sorrow as he consoles his wife, Susan’s mom. We both
messed up. We didn’t act fast enough and she’s lost to us. I look away and
focus on anything except the pain in the pit of my being.

After a small while, a nurse comes in and
asks if I would like to go and see Susan. How do you move your feet in the
direction of this kind of good-bye? This is forever. I will never see my Susie
Q again. I will never run my hands through her long brown hair or look into those
beautiful, chestnut brown eyes. I will never kiss her full lips or caress her
soft skin. My step must falter because suddenly I feel two hands, one on each
of my arms, guiding me down the hallway. I don’t even care who it is. At this
point I feel the fight leak out of me and all I want to do is crawl back to my
couch and forget this ever happened. I want her to still be here, alive and
full of life.

The nurse stops at a wide, white door. She
turns and looks at me first but averts her eyes asking, “Mr. and Mrs. Rhodes,
if you need anything, please let me know.”

My dad responds, “Thank you, we will.”

He reaches out and pushes the door open
while still holding onto my arm. They guide me through the door to a blue,
vinyl chair. I look away, anywhere but in front of me where a sheet is covering
my love, my life, her lifeless body. I stare down at the floor willing this
moment to never happen. Somehow they manage to get me into the chair. I hear my
mom’s voice next to my ear, “Jordan, do you want us to stay?”

This seems to snap me out of the
semi-trance I must have been in. I hear my voice which sounds so foreign to my
ears, “No.”

As I utter this word I gather the strength
to look forward at the white sheet draped in front of me. I hear the door creak
and I know I’m alone. I sit there for a while. I can’t tell how long, because
right now time doesn’t matter.

 I have an urge to touch her. I reach out
reluctantly and grab the sheet squeezing but unable to move it. I gather more
strength finally and pull it gently. It waves with movement revealing her
beautiful brown hair fanned out behind her head like a halo. I pull it further
to uncover her face, she looks like the angel that she is, laying there so
peaceful. Suddenly I have the need to be closer. I get up and find her hand.
The moment I touch her, I know, and my heart falters. Glancing at her it seemed
she might just be sleeping but now the coldness of her skin strikes me with the
truth. My body is wracked with sobs. I sink back to the chair but hold on tightly
to her lifeless hand.

I tell her through my sobs, “Susan, I am so
sorry baby. So so sorry I didn’t get help for you. This is all my fault. I
should have found a way… I love you so much, so very much my Susie Q.”

Kimber

Trying like hell to sneak into my creative
writing class without being noticed proves fruitless. Mrs. Cain calls me out
immediately, “Kimber, if you’re going to be this late, you probably shouldn’t
bother coming.”

I nod at her completely embarrassed but
what the hell? It’s not like we’re in high school or anything. I am an adult
and if something comes up, I should be able to get a pass without this
embarrassing crap.

Heidi, my best friend, interrupts my mental
rant whispering across the room, “Kimber, hey, what are you doing?”

I look around suddenly aware that everyone
is staring at me waiting for me to find a seat, including Mrs. Cain. My eyes
avert to the floor and I scurry to the empty chair next to Heidi.
Damn you
Andrew, you just screwed up my whole day
.

Heidi leans over, still looking at Mrs.
Cain, “I was about to text you. This lady doesn’t play around. You know she
won’t give you credit if you miss.”

When she does finally look at me, a
different onslaught of questions start, “Are you alright? You look like you
just saw a ghost or something.”

“Yeah
someone
is more like it. You
will never guess
who
is the teaching assistant in my pre-calc class.”

“Who? Don’t keep me in suspense. Is he hot?”

I smirk, this is so typical of Heidi. Becca
from work is at one end of the spectrum and Heidi is at the other, both sides
their own kind of bad. Becca will go home with anyone that pays her a
compliment. Heidi is a pickier version of Becca. If you ask me, she’s on the
lookout for a sugardaddy. Yes harsh I know, but I tell it like it is.

She persists when I don’t answer right
away, “Come on, you’re killing me here. “

A girl on the other side of Heidi
interrupts us, “SHHH!”

I glare at her while Heidi gives her a
death stare whispering, “Shhh yourself!”

The girl stiffens and turns the other way
muttering something under her breath.

She turns back to me looking over
expectantly.

I concede, “It’s Andrew, alright. Andrew is
Dr. Jones’ teaching assistant and somehow I am going to have to endure seeing
him three days a week for the rest of the semester.”

My head sinks down into my arms suddenly
overwhelmed with this new unwanted development. Heidi’s gasp and intake of
breath doesn’t surprise me, after all, it shocked the hell out of me too. A few
students nearby shush her again. I peek over my arms glaring at her.

“Sorry girl.” She leans in closer, “How are
you going to handle that? I know you still feel something for him, admit it.
Hey, maybe now that’s he’s back, you can pick up where you left off.”

If I could kill her right there on the spot
with a look, I would. She did not just say that.

She holds up her hands in defense and
claims, “You never know. You need to get laid anyway whether by Andrew or not.
Believe me Kimber, you’ll feel so much better.”

I roll my eyes and look toward Mrs. Cain.
She is discussing our current assignment, to focus on one event and write everything
surrounding that event. We are to include feelings of the characters, the description
of the setting and the addition of dialogue if needed. She wants everything
spun from just one event. Can this day get any worse?

Heidi winks when she tells us to get
started and chuckles, “Yeah, I know exactly what your event will be. This is
gonna be a good one.”

“Shut up Heidi. There is nothing good about
this whole thing. It’s shitty if you want to know the truth.”

She giggles, “But you’re gonna write about
it, aren’t you?”

I shake my head and start putting pen to
paper. Of course I’m writing about Andrew. He’s been the one bright light in my
life when everything else was always on dim; my momma and her problems, my
sister leaving and the fact that I am stuck here with no way out. As fleeting
as it was, I won’t ever regret my time with him and if he wants to keep it
completely platonic now that he’s back, I’ll have to accept that. I am, after
all, the one that broke it off.

Heidi whispers as I finish my first
paragraph, “Wanna hear about mine?”

“What are you writing about Heidi? Or
should I say which one?”

“Hardy har har, I’m gonna write about my event
at Shane’s party last weekend. How Shane couldn’t get enough of me.”

“Do you think that’s a good idea? She
probably wants it to be PG.”

She shakes her head and looks back down,
“I’ll tone it down, just for her. She’s going to wish she has the skills I
have.”

I shake my head looking back down at my own
paper and mumble, “No doubt, Heidi.”

Heidi and I have been friends since tenth
grade. We met in Spanish class during which we learned not a lick of the
language. It was a wasted class but I’m thankful for it because I met Heidi. She
has been a saving grace for me on more than one occasion. Especially when
Andrew left, I was in pretty bad shape but she helped pick me up and face life
without him.

I have every excuse for taking the long way
through college. I’m paying my own way and for everything else for that matter.
Heidi on the other hand, has been at it for only two years. She took a year off
after high school to figure things out as she puts it. She is still figuring
things out three years later. Her parents have pretty much supported this
mentality. I think she’ll continue to figure things out until they make her
grow up.

Ten thirty rolls around and I’m so
engrossed in my writing that Heidi is forced to tap me on the shoulder to get
my attention. I glance at my watch and rush to pack my bag. The room has
emptied with the exception of Heidi and I. She is practically tapping her foot.

“Sorry girl, I have to hurry and get to
Mrs. Bruin’s.”

“Do you really have to go there today? I
was hoping to grab a cup of coffee and catch up.” She whines at me.

“Heidi, you know I have to go. Not
everybody has a free ride like you.”

“That was a low blow Kimber. Remind me not
to talk to you for the remainder of the semester while ‘
Mr. Perry’
is
your teacher.” She emphasizes his name as she says this.

I shake my head ignoring her reference to
Andrew by his last name, “Kay, whatever, I do have to go. But you should come
to the Duck tonight.”

She acts as if she’s thinking about it and
wrinkles her nose, “Um, no, you know I wouldn’t be caught dead in that place.
Every low life in this town hangs there.”