Fearless (3 page)

“Niki, why would you even think that I would leave you? Have I ever said anything that’d make you think that?” He peered at me intently and the sting of anxiety evaporated.

“It’s just that I have issues and experience…”

“What experience?”

“Feeling abandoned, emotionally that is. It’s an old pattern…feeling rejected, unaccepted, well…unwanted. By my dad. From the time he sent me to boarding school.”

“Oh yeah, you told me about your dad.”

I was reluctant to add that while away at boarding school, I developed some not so positive ‘go to’ coping mechanisms myself.

“When people you care about, your own family, don’t want you around, it’s like you’re not even worthy of existing. If I didn’t have feelings for you, Jesse, I wouldn’t give a damn. But you’ve got my heart and anybody who gets in there carries a heavy responsibility. If we continue, our bond will grow even stronger. Then I can’t afford to have you do something like go back to New York and rip my heart out.”

“I’m here for you, baby. I want to be with you every second of every day. Trust me. There’ll be no ripping of hearts going on here.” He pressed his lips to the back of my hand. I sincerely hoped he was right.

“We should order. Kenny could get back any time and I want to be there when he arrives, see his face and how he reacts.”

Jesse waved for the waiter to take our order and moments later we were both picking at our chicken Caesar salads in silence.

Chapter 3

Jesse

I was in the process of changing one of the beer kegs at Rookies. It was a pain in the ass. I was wrestling with the connection under the bar when I heard the rattle of the flimsy backdoor.
Finally, Kenny is here.

Kenny poked his head around the corner into the front bar area. “Hey Jesse, Niki. How’s business today? Ready for the happy hour rush?”

I rose and beaded a dead stare straight at him. He appeared so different now, as if the knowledge of him being my father morphed him into a different man.

Kenny’s eyes stilled and grew serious. “What’s going on? Did something happen here?”

“They didn’t call you?” My voice rose slightly in pitch. I closed the door on the cupboard that housed the silver aluminum keg.

“My phone died. Did the hospital call?” He leaned forward anxiously, then pulled back after reading the expression on my face. “Ah, you’re not a match…”

“Oh, I’m a match alright,” I said.

“Oh God, Jesse, thank you, thank you, that’s wonderful.” He took a step forward to hug me but stalled. His elation mellowed. He glanced at Niki then back to me and cleared his throat. “Something’s not right. You don’t look happy about this news. What is it…what’s with the graveyard attitude in here?”

“They said that I’m a match for my dad.”

“Your dad? I don’t understand?”

“Kenny, they said that the fucking blood test showed that you are my dad. What the hell!” My voice was raised in pitch.

“I…I…don’t know what to say.”

I was startled at how tired his face appeared. No longer able to look me in the eyes his chin dropped to his chest. His voice strained. “Jesse, I…” He rubbed his face with the heels of his hands and exhaled a long breath. “Oh my dear God, where do I begin…?” He was visibly shaken.

Clenching my teeth together I said, “So…what? Shit just happens? You knew all along, but never found the time to tell me? How fucked up is that?”

I lowered my voice when I noticed a couple of stray customers had roamed in and were waiting for service at the bar.

Niki leaned in to me and lightly laid a hand on my forearm. “I’ll go take care of them, you two talk.” She ducked away to the other end of the bar where the two men sat. I hadn’t heard them come in the door. I was lost in such focused anger a jet could have landed behind me and I wouldn’t have noticed.

Kenny threw his hands up and shrugged. “No, I never knew for sure, Jesse. Trust me. Not even your mom did. But honestly? I always had my suspicions.”

My heart rate picked up again and I paced the floor in front of Kenny, my hands twitching at my sides as we continued.

“And for some stupid reason you—and mom—decided I didn’t need to know? I was not
allowed
to know who my own dad is? Was it so fucking hard to take a paternity test?”

“Calm down, Jesse. Nobody was ever trying to hurt you.”

Calm down? I have a damn good reason to be upset.

“I wanted to find out. Years ago, back when I stayed with you after Frank died, but your mom made me promise not to press it further. To keep it a secret.”

“Why would she do that to me? Why keep the secret…” An image of my dad flashed into my mind and my throat threatened to hold all my words hostage. “Even after my dad…I mean Frank…died?” Reality hadn’t adjusted yet and my mouth couldn’t bear to form his name as a reference to ‘uncle.’

“I’m sure your mom had her reasons, but that’s something you’ll have to discuss with her, Jesse. I can’t help you there.”

My brain was a catastrophic mess. It was all I could do not to say something stupid that I would regret later. Except for Niki, I didn’t know who or what I could trust anymore. Life at twenty-four shouldn’t be this complicated. My accident ruined my career; Jimmy threw me out and now, to top it all off, the revelation to end all revelations about my dad just screwed up my entire perception of life.

“Tell me the truth here for once, Kenny—Dad. That time after the funeral, after you stayed for more than a year, why did you leave and… what’s up with that love letter?”

Kenny raked his hand through his hair and spotted an empty chair in the seating area with tables. Unfortunately, there were a lot of empty seats in Rookies these days.

“Can we at least sit down? I need a drink.”

I stomped over to the nearest table and shoved a chair back, the wooden legs screeching as they dragged across the polished cement floor. I sat down hard and crossed my arms across my chest. Niki poured two draughts of Coors light and a JD chaser to go with each. As soon as she brought them to our table, Kenny whisked the shot off the tray, even before she had a chance to set it down. In one swift jerk, he threw it back as if the golden liquid held the fortitude he needed.

Too restless to sit just yet, he leaned over with both palms flat on the table and looked me straight in the eye. “Listen Jesse, nobody else knows about this. Your mom wanted it that way.”

My eyes narrowed and I nodded, silently waiting. I’d been lied to long enough; finally, the truth. “Go on…”

Kenny pulled up a dark wooden chair and sat across the table from me. “Do you remember your grandmother, Donna?”

“Mom’s mom? Sure. We used to go visit her every other week until she passed away. I was about fifteen or so. You already told me that she insisted that Mom and Dad… fuck—I mean Frank—had to get married after Mom got pregnant with Jimmy.”

Kenny took a long draw on his beer, like it would buy him more time. “Yeah, that’s right. So you can imagine, their marriage wasn’t exactly a happy one; I mean, with that kind of responsibility being forced on them and all.” Kenny pushed the beer aside and worked the fingers of his hands, nervously pulling and twisting them. “A couple of years later, your mom and Frank had a big fight. Frank had been laid off from his job as a construction worker.

“Your mom and dad lived in a small, cheap, second floor apartment with no air-conditioning and Jimmy was just a baby, about a year old maybe. Your mom wasn’t working at that time; she stayed home to take care of Jimmy. I think they even had to go on welfare and get food stamps when your dad lost his job.

“I stopped by one night, on my way home from work. I had heard about Frank losing his job and I wanted to check on them. Well...there was Frank, getting ready to go out on the town. Your mom had a basket of laundry on the bed and Jimmy on her hip, when she took me to where Frank was getting ready. He had just showered and was standing in front of the bathroom mirror, putting on cologne, all dressed up in his going out clothes, combing his hair… Man, I couldn’t believe it, he was getting all dolled up to go out without her.

“Anyway, she stood there, looking so dejected and hurt, watching him primp in the mirror and that’s when I got caught in the middle of their fight. She said to him, ‘What do you think you’re doing, Frank?’ He told her he was going out. She was no fool, she knew he meant going out drinking to the bars, to flirt and probably stay out until morning. It had been happening like that for a while, it’s sad to say. So she said, ‘You’re married, Frank. You’re not supposed to be going out partying without me. We have a baby now; you don’t get to go out.’”

“What did he say?” I asked.

“He didn’t say anything, just kept getting ready. So arrogant…like he deserved it and she didn’t, and then he walked out the door. Left her standing there, sweating like crazy in the summer heat of that piss-hole of an apartment, still holding little Jimmy on her hip, tears rolling down her face. She was screaming at him, stuff like how he should act responsible now that he had a kid...and a wife.”

“What an asshole.” I closed my eyes, hoping the pain that stabbed in my heart would subside. I shook my head. The image of Mom, helpless and crying, rocked me to the core. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to jump in my truck and drive back to New York to see her. I wanted to tell her how sorry I was, sorry for being a selfish fuck up of a son.

Kenny pulled his beer in front of him, giving his restless hands a place to be still, as he cupped them around the glass. He hung his head and stared at a drop of moisture, rolling leisurely down the face of the beer glass. “Your mom was so used. It destroyed her spirit. She deserved better, should’ve met another guy—she was so innocent and sweet. Frank took that from her—the bastard.” His voice lowered to a hushed whisper. “And he was my fucking brother.” He dragged the back of his hand across his cheekbone.

Shit, is he crying?
Something in the room sucked all the air out of my lungs and my throat was as tight as a frog’s asshole. I averted my eyes and glanced over to Niki, behind the bar, and shifted in my seat. As my nails dug into my jean covered thighs under the table, I blinked hard and cleared my throat.

“Why didn’t she just leave him?”

“Didn’t have the money, hell she didn’t even have a car. She had to take the bus to work, when she did have a job, later. She told me she would take Jimmy to a babysitter first, on the bus, loaded with all his baby bags and stroller, then walk to her work from the sitter’s house. She told me later, when the weather was cold—below zero, like it gets in New York winters—she would wait for the bus in a phone booth holding Jimmy, all bundled up in his snowsuit, just to block the subzero wind,.”

“I didn’t know it was like that. No one ever told me.” I said.

“”Who would? Who wants their kids to know what a shitty life they had to endure?” Kenny said.

“She never should’ve married him.”

“Your grandmother had something to say about that. She, and everyone else at the time, pressured them to get married, to do the right thing. Shit, what’s the right thing anyway? People don’t know shit.” Kenny spat the words. “Frank was being a total dickhead to your mom. I confronted him about it. He basically told me to fuck off…to stay the hell out of his life, mind my own business.”

“Obviously, you didn’t.” I concluded.

“No, you’re right about that one. I adored your mother. Whenever Frank went out to one of his ‘parties,’ I would get together with Emily. It wasn’t until she got pregnant that she panicked. She was scared what Frank would do if he ever found out about us.”

“I can see that.” I nodded. “Did he ever find out?”

“No, despite our affair, I guess she and Frank… well, you know…she was still
with
Frank, so he had no reason to doubt that the baby wasn’t his. I gotta admit I was thrown for a loop. Shit, I was in love with your mom, yet she chose to stay with Frank, despite the abusive behavior. After a while, I couldn’t stand to witness all the drama, to watch it eat her up...it consumed her. So I got as far away as I could and moved to California.”

I had one more question, one more piece to the puzzle that I needed the answer for. I took a deep breath and dove in.

 “So what about that love letter? You said she wrote it much later, after Frank died. Is that true?”

Kenny paused then cringed like a man stung. “Not exactly…”

“Kenny, you promised no more lies…”

“Well…shit.” It was his turn to take a breath before he had the nerve to continue.

 “After I left, after you were born, she started writing me letters. She wanted me to come back, said she couldn’t stand being around Frank anymore. But Jess, it was too late, for me, by then. And besides, there was still the whole issue with your grandmother. She never would’ve accepted Emily getting a divorce. Remember we were only about twenty-one years old. Your mom needed your grandma’s help to take care of you and Jimmy. When I moved to California, I made the decision that, unless your mom and Frank got a divorce, I would stay out of it and stay put here.”

Kenny leaned back in his chair like he was exhausted. I stared blankly at the wood grain pattern of the table top. I wasn’t aware of how much time had passed while we talked. It was weird. I felt like I’d been sucked into a time warp. I hated to think of Mom being treated so badly, going through so much hardship. I had no idea. No wonder she was depressed. A barrage of emotions overwhelmed me and all I could do was stare and rub a stray water drop from my beer into the faux grain of the table. I needed to process all of this and that would take time.

Chapter 4

Niki

“Are you coming to Sara’s party, Saturday night?” Kat asked as she formed an ‘o’ of concentration with her mouth. She drew a brush, loaded with black mascara, along the length of her full lashes.

I looked up from behind my laptop screen and wondered why we women make that shape with our mouths when the makeup’s going on our eyes. Kat dropped the mascara wand and traded it for eyeliner. She was good at flicking the end of the line up into a sexy point. I wasn’t so good at it. I called my make-up artistry the ‘smudged’ look. It could be a trend.