F*ck Feelings (29 page)

Even though it's incredibly easy to communicate almost anything to anyone—via text, bumper sticker, or middle finger—most people wish they could communicate better. Turns out it's much easier to tell someone via your shirt that you got naked in Miami Beach than to use words to explain why you're frustrated in your marriage.

Many people believe communication is the key to encouraging intimacy, straightening out misunderstandings, ending conflicts, and basically achieving everything short of cold fusion. They think that if you want a better relationship, job, or life, then you need to communicate better; that's why people go to college to major in it and see shrinks or business consultants when they feel they can't do it.

Unfortunately, however, many problems do not, in actuality, represent a failure to communicate. Rather, they arise from differences in character, culture, or values, and communicating these differences is a bad way to bridge gaps and a good way to cause disagreements. If you're doing a good job of being diplomatically persuasive and still find you're
getting nowhere, then you may not need to become a better communicator; you may need to find something better to talk about.

If you can't get through to someone, take time to figure out why communication isn't working, because maybe it just can't and, more important, really shouldn't. Communicating may do more harm than good when what you're trying to communicate is perhaps best not shared in the first place. In the end, knowing that your communication abilities are limited is essential if you are to know when to shut up, leave things alone, and console yourself that you're not responsible for whatever happens next.

The potential for communication may seem infinite, but if you find yourself incapable of communicating something more complicated than what can be expressed via a text or tweet, then you may have to accept that sometimes, communication is not possible. Even then, it's not the end of the world, just the end of that particular conversation.

Any relationship guru worth his or her Internet certification will tell you that you cannot have love without communication. In some ways, that's true; opening up to a new partner is a big part of falling for them, and so much importance is attached to communicating the words “I love you” that you'd think somebody was getting royalties.

Communication may be a key part of a relationship, but that doesn't make it a cure-all. Sure, being shut out of someone's feelings or thoughts can feel like you're no longer close or important to them. That leads to trying to fix the situation by talking . . . about why you don't talk anymore. Which can often lead to yelling about how annoyed you both are.

Then you find yourself going to a couples therapist, so that one person can find out why the other person isn't close and at least feel closer by hearing her share with the therapist what she won't say otherwise. The problem is that most of that stuff went unsaid because it was unpleasant, mean, or unconstructive enough that it never should have been said out loud.

So while communication is important, you can have too much of it. Cheese is the main building block of pizza, but if you push the balance too far, you'll either ruin the pie or destroy your health.

If you try to fix a broken relationship with communication—stuff the crust with it, as it were—you may just do more damage, especially if you're in a relationship with someone who isn't much of a talker, is poor at describing his feelings, or has those fun feelings that are best left unexpressed.

Closeness also cannot be forced, particularly when people are familiar with one another. A couple may feel close without being able to talk to each other, or may never be able to feel close in spite of lots of talk, but short of cramming themselves into a small space, they can't will closeness into being.

So accept the fact that there's much about communication and closeness that you can't and don't control and don't rate the success of your relationship by how you're performing in those areas.

Then be proud of your ability to make the most of a relationship, and accept its limits, even when they prevent you from feeling close or sharing what you're thinking and feeling, whether it's love, hate, or anything in between.

Among the wishes people express are:

• To get through a wall of silence

• To open up oneself or others

• To find words for reducing loneliness or conflict

• To create trust and teamwork

• To say what will make others happy

Here are three examples:

My wife says I never talk to her, but I'm just not a big talker, period. I like to talk about sports and business, I guess, but they aren't her interests, and I don't know much about most of her interests, so when she talks about them, I don't have anything to say. She says I keep things in, and that I'm not interested in what she has to say about important things, like her friends and the kids. It leaves her feeling alone and resentful, so she never feels like having sex. My goal is to figure out a way to communicate better so she'll feel closer and our marriage, and sex life, will get back on track.

My son and I have always been close, particularly since he was four and his father divorced me and went to live in another city. He loved to tell me everything that was going on and spend time together, until suddenly, a few months ago, he clammed up. He's a good kid, still doing well in school, and I've got no problems with his friends, but he has stopped confiding in me; he answers every question with a one-syllable response and spends most of his time in his room. When pressed, he says there's nothing wrong and that I'm being too sensitive, but I think he's going through puberty and doesn't want to talk to me because I'm his mother. I know if I push him I'll make it worse, but I guess I just miss what we had. My goal is not to lose the wonderful closeness we've had as mother and son.

I think I'm a good boss and like to run a happy office, but the five people who work for me just don't seem to enjoy one another's company. They're all competent and hardworking and seem to like what they do here, and there's not a lot of conflict, but there's also very little team
spirit, which can create a really strange and unpleasant office environment. I'm thinking of hiring a psychologist who will put them through a ropes course or something that gets them to loosen up and get to know one another. My goal is to create some closeness and better communication.

Sharing thoughts and feelings with someone is always a delicate business; you have to be comfortable enough with a person in order to be honest and open, but you also have to know that person well enough to judge when it's time to shut your mouth and listen instead.

For some couples, the perfect amount of communication is the occasional grunt or sigh in front of the TV, while others enjoy a full monologue detailing the minutiae of an appetizer. Everybody's needs are different, and as with hair color or sexual preference, one's ability to share and tolerance for listening are solid parts of who we are.

If despite the complications, you can achieve that communicative balance, it should feel good and satisfy your need for companionship and contact. If you can't, or just can't anymore, it will feel like a problem in need of fixing, and trying to fix any problem that involves uncontrollable, quasi-genetic factors is like embarking on a conflict in the Middle East: endless, bloody, and ultimately futile.

Regardless of how good it would feel to be able to communicate, or how bad it feels not to, don't try to force communication until you've assessed whether it's possible and if not, why not.

If someone wants you to open up and you're not a talker, don't assume that talking is the only way to express affection or commitment. Lots of people—mainly men—express positive feelings by showing up and fixing the sink or roof. For many men, their primary means of communication is not their voice but their feet and power drill.

It's useless to start believing you should be more of a talker when you're not, because you'll just get more depressed and irritable as you feel increasingly responsible for your talk-deprived partner's unhappiness. Yes, you might benefit from good Mars/Venus advice from a therapist, but at a certain point, if your quiet friendliness isn't
enough, you must ask yourself whether you're being a good enough partner, after your own fashion.

Your partner must have known you weren't a talker, given your history of near chatlessness, so if she thought she could change you, that's her problem, not yours. Instead of apologizing or getting defensive, remind her of the good things you bring to your relationship, other than chattiness. Tell her she can take it or leave it, but you hope she'll take it, and then don't worry about telling her too much else.

It can be even more frustrating to endure silence in a longstanding, close relationship with your child when you not only miss the intimacy but rely on it to feel you're doing a good job as a parent. When your child clams up, you have less information to tell you whether he is happy, in trouble, or doing the right thing. Of course, prying just makes the information blackout worse and induces enmity and defiance that may not have been there in the first place.

Instead of getting spooked by the loss of closeness, assume that it may be resulting from normal growth and development and a teenager's need for privacy. Now that easy communication no longer tells you how things are going, gather information from teachers and your own careful observations of schedules, homework, and friendships. With a little work, you'll determine whether things are still going well, or whether silence represents depression or school problems.

In any case, don't get discouraged by the loss of closeness or believe that you're a bad parent when your child gets quieter. Indeed, it takes a particularly good parent to stay on task and manage your child's growth while ignoring and hiding how sad you feel without the old intimacy.

You may not expect to have the same level of comfort and intimacy in the workplace that you have at home, but team spirit among employees also seems desirable and likely to improve morale and profit. In spite of what the business journals and consultants say, however, the problems with team building are often not remediable.

Some people do their job well but are not much fun to have on a team, and some bosses are Assholes (see chapter 9), but they're the boss and aren't going anywhere. If you like
and enjoy the company of your coworkers, you're lucky; if you don't, cash your paycheck and make friends in a bowling league.

Before closing your office and blowing a bundle on a team-building retreat and spa weekend, ask yourself how people are likely to respond if they start saying what they really think. Don't accept reassurance from HR or a presiding psychologist—they don't have magical protective powers—just rely on your experience and common sense.

You may look like a great manager if your team whistles while they work, but you're an even greater manager if they're not whistlers and still show up on time and get the work done.

Although talking may help you get close, it isn't the only way to get close, and it can't be used to create intimacy that isn't already there. Before trying to improve communication, ask yourself whether more closeness is possible and whether talking will actually help.

Remember, good communication doesn't produce miracles of intimacy and good will; it respects limits, avoids trouble, and keeps a fragile peace.

Here's what you wish for and can't (always) have:

• Feel closer to someone you love

• Know better what someone is really thinking

• Hear the words you need to hear

• Feel free to speak your mind

Here's what you can aim for and actually achieve:

• Know the limits of speech and intimacy in any relationship

• Not force anyone to be more verbal than they are

• Shut up when silence is best

• Not put additional strain on a relationship characterized by limited communication

Here's how you can do it:

• Rate a person's ability to communicate feelings objectively, before you start taking it personally

• Expand your own ability to read and send out nonverbal messages

• Learn to measure commitment and achievement through actions, not words

• Assess your ability to tolerate silence without becoming negative

• Think about what happened the last time you expressed your feelings before you do it again

Here's what to tell someone/yourself when you can't find words that will bring you closer.

Dear [Self/Person Whom I Can't Communicate With/Yes, You—Are You Even Listening to Me?],

Given the need for us to [live/work/do homework/get naked/raise kids] together, I wish we could communicate better. I know, however, that you never talk about [feelings/relationships/sex/my friend Janet/America's foreign policy], so there's no reason for me to think I'm doing something wrong. I have also noticed that forcing you to talk often causes [synonym for “not talking”]. I will accept whatever prevents us from talking and respect what we're able to accomplish anyway.