Fated Memories (19 page)

He paused for a moment, caressing her hand. “I wanted to tell you that I do not have a wife and kids waiting for me when I get home.”

Her eyes flew open and her head snapped around to stare at him as if it were on a rubber band. She opened and closed her mouth but no sound came out. Instead, the all too familiar glow of mortification crept up from her toes. Kitty wanted to run out the door in humiliation, but she knew that if she stood she’d be tripping over her feet and only shame herself more. Her voice, though somewhat strained, came back, but facing him was out of the question. Kitty searched the room looking to focus on something else. “I’m sorry, I thought you were asleep, I didn’t mean for you to hear that. I guess I should go.”

“No wait, please. I didn’t say that to embarrass you, I guess I just wanted you to understand that. Please stay, I promise I won’t bring it up again.”

He had no idea of her nervous balance affliction. Only she knew that the only way she’d get out of that room without hurting either her body or her pride was on her hands and knees. Besides the lost contact lens excuse would never work here. “All right, I can stay and talk awhile.” 

They started with small talk. Kitty avoided the question of her life before the war. She only told him that her brother, Simon, was off fighting, and she and his wife stayed behind to help at the hospital. Sam confessed that he had been married, but, when his son died in an unfortunate accident with a horse, his wife went berserk and left him. Although born and raised in Virginia, when his life fell apart he didn’t want to stay there any longer. He’d been on his way to California when the war broke out. It wasn’t the issues that made him join the army, he said, only the need to fight out his anger at life. Kitty understood those sentiments well.

***

Kitty didn’t make it back to the room until after dark and found Maggie up and pacing. Her arms flailed about as she scolded her. “Where have you been? You had me so worried. I had visions of you being held hostage in a linen closet somewhere being gang-raped by twenty men named John. I thought of going to look for you until I realized I don’t even know where the prisoner ward is and I’d only wind up getting lost myself. Don’t do that to me again.”

Kitty understood the memory of the abuse she’d received at Leahy’s hand haunted her. She didn’t mean to trivialize her concern, but the cloud she floated on kept her from mustering a serious apology. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you worry, I stayed at the hospital talking to one of the patients and time just flew by.” Deciding her uniform was still wearable another day, Kitty hung it in the little closet they shared. “I wish you could meet him Mags, he’s so good-looking and has the most gorgeous blue eyes, and he’s a great conversationalist too.” She filled the wash basin from the pitcher of water and picked up the bar of lavender soap to wash her hands and face. “Oh, and get this, his father is this bigwig with a Southern railroad and, when I mentioned I’d met Jerome Brunswick from the Pennsylvania Railroad Line, he said they’d been family friends for years.” Still miffed, Maggie slapped the clean towel into Kitty’s hand. “Anyway, he’s so smart he kept me on my toes the whole time, challenging everything I said, and when he told me he’d heard me telling myself that he’s probably already married when I thought he’d fallen asleep, I got so nervous I had to stay because if I tried to leave I’d trip over my own feet and then the strangest thing happened…”

“Stop talking for crap’s sake, you’re going so fast I can’t keep up with you. Wait a minute.” Her fingers dug into Kitty’s arm. “Oh my God Kit, are you telling me you’re falling for a Confederate prisoner of war?”

“Ow! Stop. No, I didn’t say that.” Kitty pulled her arm away and sat on the bed to brush out her hair.

Maggie stood over her with her hands on her hips. “No you didn’t use those words, but that flow of oral diarrhea you released said it for you. I know you Kitty Trausch, and you don’t get worked up like this over just anybody. You should see your face! I’ve never seen you so ecstatic.” She sat next to her on the bed, her hand resting on Kitty’s knee. “Honey, sure these things sometimes hit out of the blue, but do you think this is such a good idea?”

Kitty put the brush down and turned to face her. “Mags, I am not in love with this man. It’s just that he put me at ease so fast and had me smiling and laughing and when our hands met, I felt this tiny electric shock, you know, like when you turn a door knob after you’ve been shuffling your feet on a carpet, and when he said he’d felt it too before I’d even said anything, it surprised me because, obviously, I’d touched him before when he was too doped up to realize it and, I don’t know, maybe I focused too much on caring for his wound then, but it seemed important to him to tell me that he isn’t married and… shit. Shit, shit, shit.”

“Uh huh, just as I thought.”

“Trust me Mags, I would never do anything to jeopardize our safety. I don’t know, it might be that he’s playing me thinking he’d get me to help him. But I sure as hell don’t want to be stood in front of a firing squad for being the idiot nurse duped into setting a prisoner of war free.”

“Good, remember that. It’s bad enough I have to worry about Simon getting shot, I don’t want to be worried about losing you, too.”

“You’re right. I’ll try to keep my distance as much as possible before I get in too deep. In any case, it doesn’t matter. The chances of him being around much longer are slim. He’s healing so well now, I’ll bet the doctor will discharge him soon and he’ll be sent off to some POW camp or something and I’ll never see him again.” Although that statement placated Maggie, Kitty’s heart sank with the reality of what she’d said.

***

When Doctor Gallagher sought her out on the ward the next day, Kitty assumed her words had been prophetic.

“Nurse Trausch is it?”

“Yes sir.”

“The captain’s wound has made remarkable progress, but I’m concerned about his pain level and I’m not happy with the way he’s breathing. He may have residual fluid in that lung that I’ll have to reduce. I want you to check his breathing and heart rate at least every two hours and send for me if his condition changes, understand? And I want every one of your findings recorded in this log. You’re lack of documentation is making my job harder and risking the patients’ lives.”

“Yes sir.” His words were crystal clear. They meant she couldn’t avoid being near him and that her efforts to save his life may have been for nothing. And that she was a terrible secretary.

After retrieving the wooden tube with the flared bottom that passed for a stethoscope, Kitty headed for Sam’s room asking Foster to go to the medicine room and bring her the morphine. If she had to be close to him, she’d at least have someone else in the room to help keep it on a professional level. She would not let him get under her skin and trick her into doing something stupid.

“Good morning Sam, Doctor Gallagher tells me you’re worse today. I’m going to listen to your heart and breathing and give you a dose of morphine if you’re still in pain, okay?”

“Yes, thank you, Catherine.” 

His voice sounded very raspy and his breathing more labored than it had been last evening. The sudden overnight change surprised her. Kitty hoped their little laugh fest hadn’t caused this. Just baring his chest to use the stethoscope sent butterflies to her stomach, and she had to concentrate to keep her facial expression from giving that away. His heartbeat sounded strong and even a little fast. Or was that hers? And though she couldn’t hear any rattling in his lungs, it might have been her lack of experience or training, or maybe his lungs actually were clear. 

Kitty sat back in the chair with the stethoscope on her lap, confused. “I don’t hear any unusual sounds in your chest Sam, how do you feel? Are you in more pain today?”

Sam signaled Foster to come closer. “Sir, do you mind leaving the room for a moment? I have something of a personal nature to discuss with my nurse.”

Embarrassed, Foster looked to her for approval, then made a hasty exit.

After Foster left, Sam reached for Kitty’s hand, smiled with a devilish sparkle in his eyes, and spoke in a soft normal tone. “I learned this morning I’m to be paroled, sent home. It’d only take a few days for the paperwork to be processed so, during that time, I’d be confined to quarters. But, if I still needed medical care, I’d stay here in the hospital until the doctor released me.” He met Kitty’s eyes with a sheepish look as he turned her hand over in his. “I made myself sound sicker than I am so the doctor would keep me here longer and I could still be near you.” Seeing the surprise in her eyes, he talked faster. “Catherine, I realize we’ve only just met and the circumstances are not the least bit ideal, but I really enjoy your company and I want to continue spending time with you. That is, if it’s okay with you.”

“Well, that’s a relief. For a moment I thought I was losing you. I mean, that you were getting sick again.”
Be careful, Trausch.
“What you said is sweet, but I’m not sure how wise it is. Just now the doctor told me he might have to open you up to relieve the fluid pressure in your lung if your breathing doesn’t improve and, trust me, you don’t want him poking around in there if it isn’t necessary.”

“You could tell him my recovery has slowed. It might give us time to become better acquainted. Look, I understand I can’t prolong it forever, but I hoped we’d have even a little more time together.” He reached up and caressed her cheek with his thumb. “Catherine, last night I thought I felt something starting between us. Look me in the eyes and tell me I’m wrong. Tell me you want me to leave and I’ll go.”

She didn’t want to, but she needed to tell him to go. He was a Confederate prisoner of war for Christ’s sake. No way could she get into a relationship with him. At least being paroled was a good thing, he didn’t need her to help him escape, but how could they be together? Staying here wasn’t an option, and no way was she leaving Maggie. Especially with her being pregnant and alone. Why does everything have to be so damn difficult? Kitty pressed his hand closer on her cheek. “My heart wants you to stay Sam, but my brain says to let you go. Our lives are going in different directions. Yours is taking you home.” Home, her voice caught on that word. “And I need to stay here. Maggie and Simon are my family now and I can’t leave them. I’m afraid there’s no hope for a future for us. And I need that hope, Sam.”

“Perhaps if we give it a chance, we may decide to go home together to the same place, whether it be yours or mine, it doesn’t matter. Or we can choose a different place altogether where we can start a new home. Regardless, it’s too soon for either of us to make any promises, but there’s always hope for a future, Catherine.”

“Wow, I can see I’ll have to step up my game if I’m going to argue with you. Listen, there’s too much I can’t tell you right now and I have to go see to the other patients. I’ll be back later though and we can talk more, okay?”

“I’ll look forward to it.” He kissed her hand as he let her go, making the butterflies in her stomach behave like Chinese acrobats.

Kitty spent the rest of the morning doing her usual medication and wound care rounds. The patient with the shoulder amputation required an extensive dressing change that took a lot of time. She only popped her head in to Sam now and then to make sure everything was status quo there and to fudge a few lines in the log for Doctor Gallagher to see.

The whole time she worked Kitty mulled over what Sam had said. Lost in this Land of Oz, Maggie and Simon were her only family. They were the only remnants of the life that this anomaly stole from her. She could never leave them. But Sam did say he’d go wherever she wanted. He could come with them to Harrisburg. With Simon? Simon’s been fighting the Confederates, what would he do if she brought one home? And what if he and Maggie figured out a way to go back to our time? What would she do with Sam?

***

Kitty waited on pins and needles for their after dinner break so she could get advice from Maggie on how to handle her dilemma.

As soon as they sat on the bench, a flurry of sea birds gathered around them waiting for their hard tack crumbs. At least the cement-like crackers were good for something. “Are you serious? You want to tell him where we’re from?” Maggie’s eyes flew open in shock when Kitty broached the subject.

“I don’t know, Mags, that’s what I wanted to discuss with you. Right now there’s an infatuation between us, that’s all I’ll say. But I’m sure he’d see right through it if I lied and said I wasn’t attracted to him. I mean, my God, just being around him takes my breath away. So I feel this obligation to be honest with him, now, before things go any further, and when he decides that I’m out of mind and it scares him away, I won’t have wasted our time. I’m just afraid that if I don’t do or say something, I may get in too deep and then, when he learns the truth, I’ll be left with a broken heart.”

Maggie dumped a large handful of crumbs on the ground to keep the birds busy for a few minutes. Worried, she turned and made Kitty look her in the eye. “Are you serious? Kitty, you hardly know this man. Is it worth exposing yourself to him? I mean, what if he tells somebody and they lock you up in a loony bin somewhere? Or worse yet, what if he decides he doesn’t care how crazy you are and he still wants you or even that he believes you? What will you do? Will you leave with him?”

“No! You and Simon are the only family I have left; I can’t leave you. If any more family dwindles away, whatever shred of sanity I have left will disappear as well. No, you guys are stuck with me, whether you like it or not.” Kitty leaned forward with her elbows on her knees gazing at the ground. “You’re right as always. I should let him go. But I don’t want to Mags.”