Fatal (11 page)

"Guilty," Adam said, holding up his hands.

"Arnold as in the Arnold Building?" Jenn pressed.

Adam licked his lips, his eyes darting about. He sipped from the can and made a face as he swallowed. His teeth were very white, I noticed.

"My family paid for it. Not me. I don't even have any classes there," he said.

Another piece of the puzzle clicked into place there. Was that his secret? He was from a rich, old family and didn't want people to know?

That couldn't be it. I felt there was more.

"Hah! See,
Steph, he's just another rich townie. Just like small-dick Eric. Come on, I think the cafeteria has meatballs today."

She put her hand on my arm and started pulling me away. I shrugged her off.

"Maybe later, okay? I... I want to talk about the test with Adam. But I'll see you later, okay?"

Jenn sucked her bottom lip into her mouth and chewed on it as she looked at me. But I managed to match her stare as she searched my eyes.

I just couldn't be who she wanted me to be. I don't even know who I want to be, or what. But she did look so hurt.

"Fine," she said, wheeling suddenly to march out of the cafe.

"Jenn...!" I said, taking a step after her.

"I said fine!"

I watched through the glass as she stormed out. It was wrong to let her go like that, I knew. But I couldn't go after her. Adam might try to slip away again, and I just had to find out what the hell was going on.

"She's pissed," Adam said, leaning back in his chair and taking a gulp from the soda can.

I slid into the seat across from him.

"Yeah.
Hey, were you following me last night?" I asked, leaning my elbows on the table.

His eyes were like two chips of ice as they examined me. He sighed.

"No. If I had been, don't you think I would have stopped those guys earlier?"

It made sense. But it felt like the answer I'd given to Jenn. It was the truth, but only from a certain perspective. Sort of like how history was always from a certain perspective, and couldn't really be trusted unless you tried to find a few more ways of looking at something to get an image that really approached what actually happened.

"Hey, want to go grab that lunch now? The sandwiches they do here are pretty good," Adam said.

The more we talked over our sandwiches, the more mysterious Adam became. Yes, his family was just as old as any in the area. Yes, it was his family's money that built the Arnold building.

I remember Jim talking about all the weird stuff in the area, including mentioning something about the Arnolds.

Adam did actually loosen up a bit, smiling and even laughing as we both did our Dr. Hackett impersonations. My throat hurt trying to
imitate the scratchy gravel-voice the old man had.

It could have just been that he'd saved my life. Or at least saved me from something almost as bad as getting killed, but I couldn't get him out of my head. I liked the way the little wrinkle formed between his eyebrows when he frowned. I liked his smile a lot.

I tried to tell myself that I couldn't let myself like (as in, really like someone a lot) a guy. Especially not a guy like him, but he was different. Different from all those flakes and skin-deep jerks who used their family's money to exclude people. Adam just felt more real than them, and I'd only really known him a few hours.

For a minute, I wondered if those dumb
romcoms had something right about instant attraction.

I realized I was just sort of sitting there, looking at him as I thought about my own feelings. I had to say something.

"So, are you guys witches or something? Someone told me you guys are cursed," I asked right before popping the last morsel of my turkey sandwich on white into my mouth.

Adam's smile died, and he picked at the last little bit of crust on his plate.

Damn it! I killed the mood, I knew. It had been too long since I'd really been out with a guy.

"Adam..." I said, wondering if I should apologize. It was Jenn rubbing off on me, and her attitude towards people. It might be okay for her to say whatever was on her mind, but I knew that talking before thinking often led to hurt feelings.

Clearly, he had many issues with his own family history. But he had such a cryptic face. Though I'd only really seen him a few times, I got the impression that he didn't smile very much, or laugh. It felt like earlier, before I ruined it, had been special.

The only really expressive part of him was his eyes. At that moment, those were downcast.

I felt like I'd kicked a puppy.

"I should go. More midterms..." he said, thrusting his chair back behind him so that it squeaked against the floor. The blonde girl and the cashier both looked back to see what the noise was.

It was all slipping away through my fingers.

"I know how it feels," I said, reaching out to grab one leather cuff. God, this was so hard. The words didn't seem to want to come up through my throat.

"My mom has cancer," I managed, whispering the words so quietly I barely heard myself.

He stopped and looked at me. He searched my face, and I let him, holding my eyes in place so he could see the truth of it in them.

When he did, he sat back down, pulling his chair back in with a bit more tact than when he'd shoved it out.

He listened quietly as the story poured out of me. I told him about when she first learned about it, about deciding to stay home after high school to help her. I told him about getting the acceptance letters, and how I hid the one from UCLA so that I could stay home.

I told him everything that I hadn't shared with another living soul. Even Jenn didn't know about my mom, about the awful confusion I felt about my future.

When I finally stopped, I was breathless. My shoulders heaved as my body trembled. It felt far too warm in that little library cafe. Not even the coldness of those eyes of his could help.

"You're very brave," he said.

Then he reached out across the table and put his hand over mine. His skin was warm and dry and smooth against mine.

I brushed same strands of blonde hair away that had fallen across my face. How could he think that about me?

"No," I said, "Weren't you listening? I'm a coward. God, I still think about going back every single day. It hurts so much just to hear her voice over the phone and not be
able to see her, you know?"

He nodded, though I didn't know how he
could possibly know.

I needed to go. It felt like I'd just torn a piece of out myself in sharing that with him.

When I tried to pull my hand away, he tightened his fingers. It didn't hurt, but I knew I couldn't get out of that grip.

"You're brave because you really could have stayed. You could take your scholarship money and use it to go home, but you don't. You could have found another job, another apartment. But you chose to come out here and get on with your life. Your mom knew that's what you needed. Why can't you see that?"

"Your hand is very warm," was all I could say.

And it was. I didn't think a person's skin could be that hot without bursting into flame like paper under a magnifying glass.

I found then that a sense of relief, of coolness, moved through my body. That stuff all needed to come out, but I hadn't been able to find anyone to tell about it until Adam came along.

Why did I feel so comfortable sharing something so personal with someone I barely knew?

Maybe that was the thing. It felt as though I knew him, in some way. Like we'd been friends for years who'd just spent a long time apart, and were just now meeting again to fill in those blanks in our lives.

He took his hand away and put it under the table.

"I'm going somewhere tonight," he said.

"Is that an invitation?"

Now this was an interesting turn of events. I'd just finished pouring out my biggest secret to some guy, one I thought for sure would send everyone running for the hills. And now he seemed to be asking me out on a date.

Adam shrugged. The small smile curving his lips belied the nonchalance of the gesture.

"Okay," I said.

My heart beat quickly, and I stuffed my hands between my thighs so that he couldn't see them shaking. This time, it wasn't out of fear or guilt, or the catharsis that comes with sharing as I'd just done.

This time, it was excitement.

"Cool.
Hey, what about that other girl?"

"Other girl?"

"The tall redhead with the mouth. I've seen her at a few parties Jim's done."

"Oh, Jenn!"
I said.

I looked out of the cafe windows, scanning the broad campus with all its grass and trees. The sun must have been high up in the sky, as there were almost no shadows. The bare branches were stark, and everything clear. But I couldn't see her.

What had I been expecting? That she'd be waiting for me out there, impatiently tapping her foot?

I knew she'd be upset at all this. Her crush on me was obvious. At first, I thought I felt that way for her, too. But being there with Adam made me see things differently.

I resolved to tell her the next time I saw her, to sit her down and have an earnest talk about all this. Until then, she'd just have to understand and deal with it.

"She'll be fine," I said.

"Great! Meet me at the main doors for your dorm around nine or so," he said.

Chapter 16

I felt so light and happy on the way back to my dorm. You know that feeling, like there's sunlight shining out of you, warming you up from the inside out, lifting you up off the ground in defiance of gravity.

I threw myself on my bed for a few minutes, staring up at the stucco ceiling. Then I went to the little laptop I had and opened it up.

As soon as I signed into Facebook, I got that little tone that said I had a message. It was Jenn. In her profile picture, she was playing air guitar. Her long, fiery hair was spread out like a lion's mane as she whipped it around her head in mid-jump.

Mine was just one I'd snapped of myself with my phone, sitting on the chair I used at that moment.

"Done talking to Adam?" her message asked.

"Yeah, it was nice," I replied.

"Cool cool. Want to do something tonite?" her next message read.

I paused, watching the little black cursor blink in the chat box. I almost wanted to tell her yes, that I'd love to hang out that night. But that would mean standing Adam up, and I didn't want to do that.

I swallowed, licking my lips as I let my eyes scan her request over and over.

Finally, pecking out each letter with my index fingers to slow things down even more, I gave her my reply.

"Sorry. He asked me out tonight. Tomorrow, maybe?"

The little message popped up telling me that she'd seen what I sent. I waited, licking my lips again. They seemed to dry out so quickly when I was anxious like that.

For a moment, I wondered if I should call her. I even picked up my cell and scrolled down the contacts until I got to her.

Then the prompt came up saying she was typing.

"Whatever," the message said. She signed off right after that.

The tip of my thumb hovered over the green "Call" button on my phone. She was pissed, that much was obvious. But then again, she was also acting a little petulantly. Yeah, she was smart, pretty, and unique. I knew it, she knew it especially. And when being like that didn't get her exactly what she wanted when she wanted, she acted like a jealous little girl on the playground.

Well, if she wanted the silent treatment, she'd get it. I locked my phone and put it back down.

Tonight, I had a date. I got up and started getting everything ready, holding my clothes out in front of the thin full length mirror on the back of my door.

Then again, Adam hadn't really called this a date. He'd simply invited me along to do whatever it was he was apparently already going to do.

I paused. Was this a date? It certainly felt like one. Though who was I to say? I'd still been in high school the last time I went out on one, and that was more than a year ago.

Finally, I resumed getting ready. It had to be a date. What else could it be? He was just being coy was all, trying to play up his mystery. And he did seem to hold all the cards on that, since I'd already shared my big secret with him. Blurted it out in public, as a matter of fact.

I resolved to put all my confusion and self doubt behind me for the night. I shoved the simmering worry about whether I'd hurt Jenn deep down as well.

I really just needed a fun night for myself.

Chapter 17

It was two minutes past nine. I knew because I kept glancing down at my phone, pulling it out of the right front pocket on my jeans.

Great start to my "date." Weren't guys supposed to show up early and wait half an hour for the girl to decide on a pair of shoes or something?