Fatal (6 page)

I frowned. So many of my interactions at orientation had already gone like this. What, was everyone here the child of rich parents? It was getting ridiculous.

"No, we just have the one apartment," I said.

It was a lie, of course. We didn't have an apartment anymore. Mom lived in that cancer center now, and I was here. Did that make me homeless?

"Oh..." Penelope said. Her eyes widened fractionally, adding a little space between some of the freckles on her cheeks as she realized what I was saying.

"Well, that's nice. Hey, I've got to go. I'll see you in the dorm, I guess?" Penelope said, practically tripping over herself to get away from me.

What was it? Could they smell poor people or something? Were they afraid they'd catch the poor if they stayed close too long?

I leaned back against a tree trunk, careful not to rip my dress. It was the most expensive thing I'd let myself buy. It was light and summery, the same color as the sky with lovely, subtle flower
patterns all over. I thought it was good looking. I mean, I had spent like two hours last night trying to pick out the right thing so as not to repeat my first day at orientation.

That one had started in a small lecture hall in that massive student center. I'd just had a pair of cheap
Wal-Mart jeans and some frilly t-shirt on. It was like I'd coated myself in something foul smelling, from the way everyone kept away from me.

The orientation today was a picnic near the middle of the campus, in a small, tree-rimmed clearing. Most people stayed out of the center where the hot sun shone down, choosing instead the shade offered by the big maples and oaks.

I chewed on my bottom lip as I looked around at the little groups of students who'd already staked out their spots. It also seemed like they'd staked out their cliques already, too.

I wanted to blame it on shyness, on being out of the social scene for too long, for why I felt so nervous about just walking up to someone to talk. My hands got clammy, and a shiver always shot up my back. Was this how guys always felt right before they tried asking a girl out? If so, I really sympathized with them right at that point.

I sighed as a warm breeze picked at the hem of my dress, blowing all the hot, sweet smells of summer my way. I closed my eyes and tried to pick them out. There must have been rose bushes nearby. There was sap, too, probably from one of the pines around here.

It was a nice breeze. My long hair fluttered freely in it, the soft ends tickling at my bare shoulders.

My mind flashed back to last night. I'd been trying to settle into my new room. I had a single all to myself. I felt good and bad about this. Good, because I almost liked being alone in my misery, bad because I knew it was hurting my chances to make friends.

I'd heard girls laughing from down the hall, and I'd wanted so badly to go and join them. Why, then, had I wrapped myself in my comforter despite the heat and looked at my cell for hours, wondering if it was okay to call my mom?

I hadn't. In the end, sleep had snatched me away from the world. When I woke up, I'd had this incredible desire to just go home. I wanted to be back with my mom so badly. I'd even started packing one of my bags, and checking on my laptop for bus schedules. There had to be a Greyhound or something that passed through here.

Thinking about my mom kept me from it. I wouldn't be able to bear the
disappointment in her eyes from showing up back in California. She'd pretend to be happy, and would try to console me. But we'd both know that I'd missed the opportunity of a lifetime.

My body ached deeply as I thought of my mother and home. But I couldn't go back. Not yet, at least. I had to at least try being here, even if the people didn't seem to like me very much, even though I didn't seem to fit in anywhere.

I didn't fit in anywhere at home, either. Staying home with my mom had swept me into some crack, left me stuck between what my life had been in high school and what it was supposed to turn into after.

It felt nice to be stuck, though. Well, not nice.
Comforting, maybe. Certain. Here, everything seemed uncertain aside from the fact that I seemed destined to never make any friends.

"That's a nice dress."

I opened my eyes. A tall girl with straight, black hair stood in front of me. She was pretty, with full lips and clear green eyes. She, too, wore a dress, some summery thing that shimmered as she moved.

"Thanks! Yours too," I said, smiling.

"Where'd you get it?"

I caught myself before telling the truth.

"It's Prada," I said.

She raised her eyebrow at that, "Really? I didn't realize they were copying last summer's line from
Wal-Mart."

I didn't know what to say. Heat rose to my cheeks, and I couldn't look her in the eye anymore. She sniffed and walked away. How come so much had to do with what label was on your clothes, and what the price was, and how many mansions and cottages your family owned?

I wondered how much longer this picnic was going to last. I wanted school to start. Textbooks, homework, essays, tests. I could throw myself into that stuff, social life be damned.

Classes had to be better than dorm politics. I hoped they were, at least.

Chapter 9

Had it really only been a week of classes? High school was never like this. My legs pumped as I walked from my American History lecture in the old Ross building towards my Introduction to Fiction class in the newer Arnold building.

During the day, the campus was beautiful. All the trees made it feel like I was in the middle of some forest. With the light shining down through the shivering leaves, the place was vibrant, and green. Very green.

The paved walkways were never straight, always meandering in gentle curves around the
tree trunks as though they were all old deer paths that had been turned into sidewalks as a matter of course.

The students seemed happier, too. They studied in the shade, or sat on and around picnic tables and benches. Their laughter and conversation mixed in with the melodious birdcalls and the cry of squirrels.

But none of them really looked at me. I walked past two girls and a guy who'd set a little blanket on the ground beside the path. I smiled at them, and they smiled back. But that was all.

It was like they could sense I was different from them. And by different I meant poor. The girls both had Louis
Vuitton bags, and I bet their clothes weren't off-label.

I was surrounded by people, but I felt even
lonelier than I had back in Pasadena after all my friends drifted out of my life.

The next curve of the path revealed the Arnold building. It was a long, ultra-modern thing with walls consisting more of glass than brick. It didn't really keep with the aesthetic of the rest of the campus, with its old gothic structures.

A group of students spewed out through the front doors as I came up, and I had to struggle my way through them.

My lecture hall was on the second floor. It had a few tiers of seating, and a whiteboard with a projection screen at the front.

Being here almost made me feel at home, and it was my favorite class so far.

I took my seat, second row right in the middle, just as other people began filing in.

Today, a girl sat beside me.

She had long red hair, very straight, that rested down past her shoulders. She also had a little stud
nose ring in one nostril, and black liner all around her eyes. Those were blue, and the dark makeup made them seem so deep.

I think she was the first
Goth girl I'd seen on campus. It was pretty strange, now that I thought about it. You'd think in a place with all this history there would be more angsty teens fighting back against tradition and all that.

The black shirt she wore made her skin seem even
paler. But she was pretty, I had to grant, despite all her efforts to hide it.

"Got a spare pen?" she said.

"Uh, yeah, I think..." I said, digging into my messenger bag.

That Eric guy who I'd met that first evening came in, his shorter
toady, Joseph, as ever by his side. He always sat right behind me, always asking when I was going to come by the frat house.

Today, when he looked at me and saw who I sat beside, his mouth twisted in a petulant grin.

"Hey, Joe, check out Jenn the dyke!" he said in that fake whisper designed for everyone to hear.

Joseph sniggered, putting two fingers up to his lips and letting his tongue lick out between them. They made as much noise as possible dragging their notebooks out, slapping them down on the little built in desk on the chair.

"I didn't know you swung that way, Stephanie," Joseph said.

I looked up at the clock above the door. Still five minutes until lecture started. Doctor Mooney stood behind the desk at the front, fiddling at the computer getting today's slides ready. More
Jane Eyre
today, I knew, and for the next couple weeks.

Mooney didn't shush anyone until after class started. He had a horseshoe of black hair on his head, and a bit of a paunch pushing at his shirt and blazer. He shoved at his glasses, pushing them back up his
proud nose.

"At least I'm not a dumbass," Jenn replied, "I didn't need daddy's name and money to buy my way in."

Joseph made a shocked sound, looking back and forth between Eric and Jenn. I guess no one really talked back to him. He was a really big asshole, and reminded me far too much of all the jock douche bags in high school who thought they were kings of the school.

Eric started to reply, but Jenn cut him off.

"You're just pissed because I pull more girls than you," she said.

There were about seventy five students registered in this class, I knew. Most of them had quieted and were either looking directly at us, or trying to hide that they were looking at us. If Dr. Mooney heard, he didn't seem to care.

"Lesbo bitch," Eric said.

"Small-
dicked moron," Jenn said, almost under her breath.

Eric's reaction was priceless. He went cherry red in the face, his thin lips worming as he tried to come up with some retort. I covered my mouth to try and stifle a laugh.

I liked Jenn already. So far, I'd just tried to ignore or be polite with Eric.

"It's big enough for you!" Eric said.

He jumped up out of his chair and started pulling at his fly, tugging at the expensive denim of his jeans. Joseph started waving his hands, hissing for Eric to be quiet and sit back down.

"Mr. Putnam! If you have to use the washroom, the facilities are down the hall," Dr. Mooney said.

He flicked on the projector that was mounted to the ceiling.

The slide had the lecture title, which was, "From Poe to Bronte: The Gothic in America and England."

Eric sputtered as everyone laughed at him. He jerked his fly back up and sat down, his lips pressed into a thin white line while the redness in his face ripened.

Jenn winked at me. Yes, I really did like her.

When the lecture finished, everyone started filing down the stairs to get out. The hall outside was so full of students that the tide of humanity carried Eric and Joseph away from us, even though Eric kept shooting hot glares back at Jenn.

She and I stood just beside the open door in a few feet of clear space.

"Thanks for the pen," she said, handing it back to me.

The heels she wore made her a few inches taller than me. Now that I'd actually met someone who would talk to me, rather than sense that I didn't come from money and just leave, I didn't want to go.

"No problem. Any time," I said.

I wanted to ask if she wanted to grab some lunch at the cafeteria in the student center. It was either that or
buy a sandwich and go sit alone in my dorm for the next two hours before my final class for the day.

"Cool. Hey,
me and a few friends are having a get together tonight. Bronson Hall. A buddy of mine has a double room all to himself. You interested?"

Instantly, my heart shot into my throat. I shifted my messenger bag on my shoulder and bit down on my bottom lip.

God, how I ached to go to a party. But I couldn't appear too eager.

"Uh, yeah, sure, I guess. I might show."

The traffic in the hallway started to die down. The chorus of conversation changed from the steady hum to a low murmur as people moved to and from the rooms, all intent on getting to their next class or to grab lunch.

"Great! Ten or so tonight, room 2A," Jenn said.

She turned around and walked away before I had the chance to ask her to lunch.

Chapter 10

My whole body felt lighter for the rest of the day. Had I really just met my first potential friend here in this strange new place?

That night, I met the rest of the Redeemer Outcasts. They didn't really call themselves that, but that's who they were in my mind. That's who I was too, I knew.