Farewell (34 page)

Why are you selling things? I am asking you not to. Keep the objects I like; selling them is not a solution, and you too need them to be able to live as if nothing changed.

The main thing is for me to be released earlier, the rest will follow, I think.

For the car: call Youri Khaj [Yuri Khazhomia, an Abkhaz friend of the Vetrovs], he’ll find a solution. Don’t forget to tell Alexei Ivanovich about it, the garage president [Vetrov’s garage was a cooperative managed by a president]. In fact, it would be better if Lyova [Lev Barashkov] could talk to him, Alexei knows him. I’m glad to hear that Lyova will be on tour and come to Irkutsk; too bad it won’t be before next year. Maybe he’ll manage to come visit me here. Probably through the local philharmonic society.

By the way, the director of this society was imprisoned in our camp for his funny business with Pugacheva, Leshchenko and the others [Alla Pugacheva, Lev Leshchenko, Soviet stars, singers]. Those entertainers had come here, but left scot-free.

Svetik, you mentioned that you might come with Lyova. I am expecting you in August, but if you can’t take the time, let’s wait until next year. It’s not an obligation. My only desire is to see you both again, you and Vladik. Once again, I say to you: take care of yourselves, this is the most important thing.

Congratulations to Vladik; I feel he is trying his best. That’s what he needs to do. I don’t want to labor the point, but he must stay focused on research. Research is what will propel him into professional life. Vladka, you’re a smart kid, good job! Your accomplishments help me endure, if not the hardships, at least the burden of my situation. Don’t worry, son, I’ll come back, and we’ll implement my ideas. You’ll help me, you’ll be my support.

Svetik, give my love to the girls, and tell them I really appreciate them helping you. Stick together, it helps in life. What’s the latest with Sasha Dementiev, is he back? How is Nina doing? Write to me, and tell them to write, too; it is permitted. How is Grekova? Shevchenko? Did he disappear or not? Give me all the details. When writing, pretend you are talking to me.

Why doesn’t Mila want to go to our village with Nastya? It’s great there.

I wish Vladik success in his studies, with excellent grades on his exams, nothing less. I’m glad he doesn’t struggle with colloidal chemistry, it’s a tough subject.

I’ve got to stop writing now. Say hi and wish good health to all who still remember me. Talk about Yasnov
⁴
with G. Vasilev. [Galina Rogatina] You never know, something may come out of it.

Love,

(Signature)

Little fox, I send kisses to you and Vladik. And also to grandma.

May 10, 1983

I assure you I’m hanging in there, I am not resigned to my fate. I’m simply exhausted, tired to death. But if I were told to start all over again, I would not change a single minute of my life, and would not want to live a new life.

May 1983

Svetik, our life is not over. I’ll come back, and everything will be fine again. We’ll be happy, enormously happy, like everybody else. It would be great to go to…you know what I mean, but we have to be a little more patient.

#9

June 6, 1983

Svetik! Vladia! Babushka!

As I said in my previous letter, I received everything. Turns out Elena brought a lot of news. Volodia [Vetrov’s fellow inmate who had a visit from his wife Elena] transmitted everything, while warning me about what you wanted to tell me. We could and should have expected it, it’s not for nothing that I had suggested in one of my last letters to send the mail to Galka. Well, it doesn’t matter. Adversity strengthens courage and character, it sharpens the mind and focuses one’s thoughts.

I haven’t solved the job issue yet. They promised I’ll get it by the end of the month; it is still taken. Ah, one more thing: do not write about your reactions to some of the information I send you to avoid feeding the gossip here. Don’t worry, for God’s sake, everything will be OK. I’ve had the feeling recently that I was here temporarily, that I would soon go home. Mirage, illusion, but it certainly raises my spirits.

Svetik, for the pants, could you dye my light-color German pair? They’re strong, I could wear them here. Send them to me, no point to spend more money to buy new ones. I’ve caused you enough needless expenses. Anyway…

A thought crossed my mind: what about, indeed, asking Yu. Khazh. to write to his parents about me and the parcels? I think they’d know how to find an arrangement. Don’t even think about coming this year. You’ve had enough to worry about as it is, you went through a lot of bad moments because of me. The best would be to come with Lyova. He could stay a week or two, and you could stay a few days, three maybe, like Elena did. It would be great. Call her, she’ll explain to you how it works.

How are you all doing, over there? What’s new? How is Vladik doing? I worry a lot about him. He got his share of misfortune too, and has to go through trials that will give him a sturdy character. I hope he’ll hang in there, he is a lot like me in everything, and me, I know I’ll overcome this ordeal and will be with you again. But you must wait for me with all you’ve got. “Wait for me, and I’ll return. Only wait very hard.”
⁵

If the misfortune that hit you added wrinkles to your face, Svetik, I won’t notice them. They suit you, they “enhance” the beauty of your intelligent and noble face. I kiss your lips and your eyes…remember? “It was not long ago, it was…a long time ago.”
⁶
Don’t forget, my darling little kitten.

Figure 7. Two pages of a letter sent to Svetlana from the Gulag. “Everything will pass. The darkness surrounding me will open and, like Christ, I will walk toward you crossing a sea of blood.”

How come Vladik doesn’t write? I know he is busy, but is it that impossible to find just five minutes? Just one minute would bring me so much happiness. I wrote you before that I kiss the lines in your letters; they are sacred to me.

Here, I read “Prometheus” by G. Serebryakova. K. Marx was a unique and remarkable man in his own right, and boy was he right on the money when he wrote about the toadying and the bowing and scraping around him, etc. No such personalities today among our leaders, and it is too bad. Turns out, his wife Jenny had had smallpox, which disfigured her. I did not know that. Overall, a great, intelligent book. Vladik would be well advised to read it. It tells about the workers’ movement, and Marx the man.

Did you have a nice trip on the cruise ship? You must have brought back wonderful, unforgettable memories. That’s the right thing to do. Life goes on, one has to live and fight. Only the brave survive in this life. Courage is not simply to throw yourself onto a pillbox like Matrosov did.
⁷
That was an impulse, a gathering of the highest, maybe stupid, spiritual strength; but I am talking about a different kind of courage, the courage of facing every second of daily life hardships, when banging one’s head against a wall of silence and indifference, when sensing a lack of sincerity piercing through words of condolences. Seeing all of it, but ignoring it, calmly and coldly, that’s what courage is. Well, my dearest ones, chin up! Everything will pass. The darkness surrounding me will open and, like Christ, I will walk toward you crossing a sea of blood. I’ll survive. [
see Figure 7
]

The weather here is typically Siberian. One gets the feeling that it will never be possible to take off the padded jacket. The weather is unpredictable: one day, it’s sunny with temperatures between 16 and 20°C, then for two or three days, rainy and cold.

Imagine what it is to have to stand for 25 to 40 minutes under the rain during the roll call. Water runs down your neck, everything is damp, and where could we dry our clothes? Nowhere, my darling. What kind of life is this? They say it is a camp “for babies” here; other places are even worse.

Say hi to Borka for me [in all likelihood, Boris S., a friend of the Vetrovs, and Svetlana’s lover]. What’s the latest with him? I count on him, on his noble soul, his intelligence, etc. I’m not going to praise him too much, so he doesn’t become big-headed.

Please write. Hello to Lyova and Mila, to all our friends worrying about me.

Love

Dad (signature)

I forgot to tell you that the blank envelopes you put in the envelope with the letter to me were received with the right side cut with scissors. I glued the pieces back together. I do not know in what condition they are when you receive them in return. Sending kisses.

June 15, 1983

Svetik! Vladia!

Today, I received your letters. I have a hard time imagining your distress and grief, having to pay over 1,200 rubles. To whom and why? Because I am in prison?

Sveta! Stay calm, control yourself. Take your courage in both hands and go to a law consultancy. Nina eventually found a good lawyer. It is necessary to find out whether the State is acting legally.

I gathered some information on the situation. They explained to me that there is a decree adopted by the plenary session of the Supreme Court in 1962, which specifies that if the victim was the breadwinner, the murderer must pay damages. So, this is me, and not my family. I work here, all they have to do is deduct from my salary as much as possible. For instance, I earn 45 rubles per month; if the allowance is 83 rubles, minus my salary, we have 83-45 = 38 rubles. Those 38 rubles constitute what they call arrears, a debt which will accumulate. The daughter will turn eighteen, but I will continue to pay until I manage to reimburse the total amount which was due until her eighteenth birthday, on the basis of 83 rubles a month.