Family Interrupted (28 page)

“Smells good in here for a change, doesn’t it, baby girl?”

The infant gurgled her assent as Ian kissed her and handed her back to me. “Gotta get washed up before I really play with her. Is whatever you’re cooking almost ready?”

“Five minutes. Hope you don’t mind me meddling through the kitchen.”

“Are you kidding?”

I laughed. That was the kid I knew, and when he left the room, a seed of hope blossomed inside me. Our brief conversation had been so wonderfully ordinary. Unless, of course, he’d say anything for a decent meal. I supposed that was normal, too, for a growing boy. Boy? He was not yet twenty-one, but could he already be a man?

This glimpse of a familiar life, an ordinary life...I yearned for more of it. How extraordinary the ordinary could be! What was in Ian’s mind? Heart? We couldn’t keep drifting away from each other as we’d been doing. Maybe Tina was the wake-up call I’d needed for reclaiming my loving relationship with her father. Whatever the cost of the knowing, I had to face the truth.

“I’m hoping Ian and I can talk over dinner each night. I’ll keep cooking, we’ll both keep eating, and hopefully we’ll ‘communicate.’ I’ll try to figure out where his head is.” I sighed. “That’s the best I can come up with at the moment.”

“Sounds good,” said Jack. “Keep me in the loop, will you?”

If I wanted to rebuild my relationship with Ian, I couldn’t make promises to Jack. “I’ll use my judgment. You and I have our own issues, and I’m not going to use Ian to deflect them.”

IAN

November

After one week of Mom babysitting, I could have been fooled into thinking I was back on Bluebonnet Drive. Those dinners she prepared every night? Wow. Just call me a Pavlov dog, salivating the moment I caught a whiff of them as I neared the apartment door. If Tina weren’t so cute and now old enough to recognize me, I’d head directly to that kitchen table without saying hello.

But of course, I gravitated first to my daughter, who now greeted me with a toothless smile, a scorcher that made me feel like the world’s Number One Daddy. I took her from her grandma, kissed her all over, and then blew gentle raspberries on her belly. Her giggles almost did me in—she was so cute. In those moments of homecoming, when the place felt safe and secure, exactly what I wanted for my daughter and what I had known growing up, I wondered how I could have thought of giving her up. I wondered how Colleen could have lit out.

Tina had a grandma, daddy, clean bed, plenty of bottles, and a mess of new clothes. And sometimes Grandpa was around too. But a mama should have headed the list. Wondering about Colleen always brought my good moods to an end. She hadn’t called in the two weeks she’d been gone, and I tried not to think too much about that. Maybe when she got a job, she’d have enough money to buy minutes for her cell phone. Or maybe she didn’t want to talk to me. Maybe she wanted to start a new life and forget the old. I couldn’t guess what was in her mind, so maybe I didn’t know her very well after all. A lot of maybes.

“Had a good day, Ian?” Mom was smiling and eager to please.

“Always do. Good team, no slackers. We get things done.”

“Oh.”

I swallowed my chuckle as I read her expression as easily as I read one of Tina’s baby books. She was hoping I was so miserable at work and being on my own that I’d return to Barnes Construction and get back into the family fold. But that wasn’t going to happen without a miracle. And I wasn’t expecting any of those.

I put Tina in her swing and turned my attention to the turkey breast and mashed potatoes Mom was dishing out. A minute later, I was wolfing them down.

“This is great, Mom. Super. I’d like to freeze half of it for next week when Tina starts at the daycare center.”

“I’m glad you brought that up,” she said, laying down her own fork. “I’ve been thinking.... Do you really want the baby with a bunch of strangers every day? She’s so little. I could either take her to work with me or Dad said he’d hire someone to replace me as long as necessary. So I’d be happy to continue coming over.”

“Fifty miles? Before the birds are up? Come on. You can’t do that indefinitely, and I’ll lose my place on the waiting list at the daycare.”

She stared at me with such determination and strength she was a picture of how she used to be. “You can count on me, Ian. I’ll be here every morning by six, you’ll get to your job on time, and the baby will have loving, undivided attention. It’s a perfect solution for everybody.”

Except for me. But she didn’t understand that. “Thanks, but no thanks. I’m happy with the temp arrangement we have.”

She rose and gripped her chair so tightly, her knuckles turning white. “But why not? I love that baby. No daycare can replace a grandma.”

Mom was trying too hard. Whenever I had these suspicions, the cause always came back to that day we didn’t talk about. Something was up for sure, and I wished to God for a complex pipeline assembly problem instead of a mother problem. I always had to struggle to figure her out. Dang, I hated psychology. But I was Tina’s daddy, and she was my daughter, so I’d do what I had to do. Nowadays, I was the man.

“We had a temporary deal,” I said sharply, also rising but towering over her, “because I have to protect my daughter. You just said that a daycare can’t replace a grandma, so now chew on this.” I pointed first at Tina and then punched the air with each word I spoke. “She. Isn’t. Kayla. Get it?”

Mom backed up in surprise, but then her chin rose and her eyes bored into mine strong and steady. “You and your father! Listen to me, Ian. I know exactly who that baby is.”

I didn’t believe her. “Kayla’s dead, Mom, and Tina’s not her replacement. And I don’t ever want her to feel she is.” I stepped closer. “Why do you want to take care of her so much?”

“Why? Because she’s yours, and you’re my son. I love you both. What’s so difficult to understand about that?”

What the hell was she talking about?

“Love?” My voice cracked. “Let’s get this straight. You don’t love me anymore. You blamed me for Kayla’s death. You said we should have been doing homework and that I was ‘irresponsible.’ And you still think I am. But I’m not! I’m taking care of business, aren’t I? Taking care of Tina. Earning a living.”

Her face turned as white as one of her blank canvases. She grabbed me by the shoulders. “Oh, God, Ian. A messy bedroom is not the same thing as causing a death. You weren’t driving the car that hit her, and I knew that. So how could you possibly think I blamed you?”

I loosened her hold on me, rolled back on my heels, and took my time. Her words on that day had haunted me for over two years. I remembered every single one of them.

“Well, Mom, maybe I had that impression because the last thing you yelled at me before disappearing with Kayla was:
‘How could you let this happen? You were in charge. You should have been doing homework.’
And that’s a quote. And maybe because I was the one who threw the ball? And then you told Dad to let me go....”

I watched as she paled further to a chalk white. Her hands fluttered, and her eyes started to roll. I caught her before she hit the floor.

#

CLAIRE

I heard a baby crying. Short cries followed by a long cry. On and on, non-stop.
I’m coming, I’m coming
. But my limbs wouldn’t cooperate, and I fell back against the cushions. Ian’s lumpy sofa. That’s where I was. On Ian’s sofa with him in front of me holding an overturned glass, water trickling from it drop-by-drop to the floor. That’s when I realized my face and hair were soaking wet. “What the...?”

“You fainted.”

“And you tried to drown me?”

“No!” He shrugged and looked away. “I saw it on television once. It worked.”

“Okay then, thank you...I think.” I swung my legs to the floor and sat up, only slightly dizzy. “The baby’s crying. Pick her up.”

“You’re welcome,” Ian said, ignoring my instructions. “Uh, should I call Dad?”

I hadn’t fainted in quite a while. Couldn’t blame an empty stomach this time. Probably too much emotion. Too much deeply felt emotion. And now, the last thing I needed was Jack’s interference just as Ian and I had started talking.

“No need to call Dad. I’m fine. I’m fine. But you and I? We’re not so fine.”

Water trailed down my neck while the baby’s cries stretched my nerves. “Tina needs you, Ian, and I need a towel.” Fortunately, I was steady on my feet after leaving the couch and made my way to the bathroom without further trouble. The minute of privacy was welcome.

Ian had sounded so sure of himself, so very sure in his accusation, that I took time to search my memory of that never-to-be-forgotten day. I recalled Anne running toward me, I remembered the crowd on the street, Ian among them; I could see Sarah Levine sitting on the curb and could almost feel Kayla’s hand in mine when I’d held it in the ambulance. I remembered the hospital in a blurry way, the five days melting into one another as she faded.

But recalling the moment I entered the ambulance was impossible. I played the tape over and over in my mind—and came up with nothing. I leaned against the sink, needing its support. My heart lay as heavily in my chest as it had during the darkest of times. Ian wasn’t lying. He’d thrown those words at me as though he’d been savoring them for years. But how could I have said them? No wonder he hated me. I wished I could remember.

I took a shaky breath, squared my shoulders, and re-entered the kitchen in time to see him toss his phone on the counter while holding Tina in his other arm.

“Dad’s coming over,” he said. “So you won’t have to drive home by yourself.”

So he’d ignored my wishes. “I’m perfectly cap—”

“It’s great that he joined a gym. When did that happen?”

I had no idea. “Hmm...a little while ago.”

“Yeah. He wasn’t at the house or the office. So I wound up calling his mobile. Should have done that to begin with.”

Nervous chatter. While talking to me, however, he continued to smile and coo at his daughter as naturally as he tossed a basketball.

“You’re really terrific with her. I don’t imagine many young guys could handle a baby as well.”

“It’s not like I had a choice. Colleen...she did her best, she knew how to handle babies, but she wasn’t the type to cuddle Tina all day.”

Picking up Ian’s phone, I auto-dialed Jack. “Forget what Ian told you. I’m fine. I don’t need any help.”

After listening to how “fainting has become my style and do something about it,” I hung up and smiled brilliantly at my son. “The cavalry’s not coming this time. It’s just you and me. And I’m sorry about Colleen.”

His mouth tightened, and he said nothing further about the girl. Instead, he kissed the baby’s cheek. “It’s you, me, and her.”

“Tina’s a bonus. A sweet gift. Innocent.”

“Kayla was innocent,” he snapped. “But Tina’s not Kayla.”

He simply didn’t trust me to know the difference between my daughter and granddaughter. “I get it, Ian. I understand. Now, look at me. Listen to me. Kayla’s gone, and I don’t blame you at all!”

“But that’s not what you said then.”

“Oh, sweetheart, I can’t recall what I said. I don’t remember what you remember. None of it. I know I raced into the ambulance and the doors slammed closed. That’s all.”

“You’re lying.”

I shook my head. “I’m not—”

“Yes. You have to be because you’ve got that photographic memory. You remember everything.”

But where was that memory when I needed it? Or did I not want to remember, just like...? “I don’t remember Kayla’s funeral either,” I whispered. “And I’m not lying.”

He paused for a moment, and inside me, a seed of hope cracked open its shell. “But that makes sense,” he said, “because you fainted. You didn’t black out when you got into the ambulance.”

It seemed Ian was the one with the excellent memory, not me.

“And then,” Ian went on, “when we all ate at the House of Wong, you said something about an accident not being just an accident, and that ‘someone was careless.’ And you meant me, didn’t you? You always think I’m careless or irresponsible.”

Not in the ways that count. I had to clear the slate between Ian and me at all costs, even if there was a drop of truth to his accusations. Two years ago, I was blaming everyone, with the lion’s share divided between Sarah Levine and myself.

“Sarah Levine,” I whispered. “How could she not have sunglasses? In Houston? Kayla died because of the sun and a sneeze? I couldn’t accept it.”

A statue would have reacted more, so I plunged ahead. “But more importantly...you know what I’ve been thinking all this time? The reason you’ve avoided me? That you hated me for coming home late, and that Kayla wouldn’t have died if I’d been on time. And then you wouldn’t have had to cope by yourself. You wouldn’t have had to live with those memories. Hear me, Ian? That’s what I’ve believed all this time about you.”

His eyes shone, but not with hope. “That’s so lame,” he whispered. “You’ve apologized a hundred times for being late. Traffic’s not the problem. We’ve got four and a half million people in the area, and folks are always running late.

“Face the truth, Mom. You were always nagging me about something. You never trusted me with anything important, but I was all you had as a babysitter. And when the accident happened, of course you blamed me. But guess what? I didn’t blame myself. Kayla and I threw football passes loads of times in the past and nothing bad ever happened. I wish I could undo it, but I can’t, and I’m tired of feeling like a murderer.”

He pivoted like a soldier doing an about-face and left the room. Left me alone with his resentment, anger, and possibly hate, although I didn’t want to believe that. I did know, however, that we were still hurting each other. I’d been told to communicate, and I’d tried. Now, I was exhausted and disappointed. Nothing had changed. Nothing had been accomplished. But if he thought I’d give up on our relationship, he’d have to think again.

I reached for a pad and pencil. “Back at six a.m.”

I signed off with a quick sketch of a sad me. If I was lucky, he’d believe that communiqué.