Falling to Ash (12 page)

‘What’s done is done,’ Theo said, pacing back and forth in an uncharacteristic show of tension. ‘I will find Murdoch and I will
kill
him. Nothing has to change.’

‘Just let me go,’ I said. ‘If you let me leave, forever, they can’t use me to get at you.’

Theo’s beautiful pirate’s face was impassive. ‘You can never leave me.’

I continued as though he hadn’t spoken. ‘I’ll run away and hide – far away. Nobody will find me. I swear!’ I swallowed. ‘I’ll even promise never to contact my . . . my true family.’

‘That will make no difference to what I did – or to the challenge I’ve been set.’

‘I’ll be just like a ghost,’ I said. ‘
Theo
.’

He moved so fast that he blurred across the room. His hands gripped my shoulders and he turned me to face him. ‘Stop asking for what cannot be. Ever.’

I shook myself free of his grasp, knowing, even as I did so, that I could only manage it because he let me. My voice was thick with unshed tears as I replied. ‘Why? Because it’s “forbidden”? Why can’t you fight the system, Theo? I thought you wanted to join the Elders. Don’t they
make
these stupid rules?’

‘I am not an Elder yet.’

I ignored him. ‘You could start fighting them now. Start over me.’

‘You don’t know what you’re asking.’

‘No, it’s just that
you
don’t give a
shit
about me. You never have.’ I gritted my teeth to stop my jaw from wobbling.

His hand shot out, so fast even I didn’t see it. He gripped the front of my dress and lifted me straight up. My feet dangled inches above the ground and I felt the collar begin to tear.

I tried to kick him, but he just held me out to one side so I couldn’t reach. ‘Put me down!’

He shook his head, granite-faced, a vengeful god woken before his time. I knew I’d pushed him too far, but I really didn’t care.

‘Theo, let go of me!’ I struggled more violently,
grabbing
his wrist with both hands and trying to wrench myself free.

He shook me pitilessly. ‘Be still.’

‘Get off me,’ I said, hating that I’d begun to cry and couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down my face.

Theo watched me without expression.

‘Please,’ I said, not caring in that moment that I’d done the one thing I had promised myself I’d never do: beg.

He released me without warning and I hit the floor – hard. I couldn’t get my feet under me in time, despite my superhuman reflexes, and I sat where he dropped me.

Wow. Could my life
suck
any more?

‘Get up,’ he said.

I didn’t move. There was an empty space inside me that even blood couldn’t fill.

‘Get. Up.’

I raised my chin and met his eyes. ‘I hate you.’ He could kill me for that, but so what? How could things get any worse?

He took a step toward me and I flinched. Theo saw me do it and his eyes widened in something close to shock.

‘Moth . . .’

‘Leave me alone.’ I hardly recognized my own voice.

‘Marie, I am s—’

‘I said,
leave me alone
. Didn’t you hear me? Leave me with some dignity, for God’s sake.’

He laughed, an awful sound filled with bitterness. ‘God? Your so-called
god
doesn’t want you anymore, little one. Better to stay close to those who do want you.’

‘Don’t say that,’ I whispered.

‘You have a new Family now,’ he said. ‘Get used to it.’

I pulled my knees up against my chest and wrapped my arms around them. I couldn’t bear to look at him anymore.

And then he did something that I would never have expected. He had that about him – the ability to take me by surprise just when I was getting good at hating him. He knelt down in front of me, unclasped my cold hands from around my legs and held them in his own. He could have continued to play the scary vampire. He could have punished me for my behavior, like he would do with any other member of his Family. Instead, he offered me one last drop of kindness.

He took both my hands in one of his, placing the other beneath my chin and forcing me to look at him.

‘Surely you understand why I can’t let you go. Surely you are not so naïve.’

I licked my suddenly dry lips, not wanting to meet his eyes but unable to look away. ‘You can’t be seen as weak. I know that.’

He shook his head slowly. ‘More than that, my little
Moth
. If I cannot keep you by my side, then you will be considered a risk to the entire Family.’

‘I would never tell!’ I glared at him. ‘Never. I can keep secrets, Theo. You know I can.’

The mask finally dropped and I caught a glimpse of the exhaustion on his face. ‘If I can’t control you, they will force me to end you. Do you understand?’

He looked old for the first time since I’d known him. It scared the crap out of me.

I shivered. ‘You mean . . . kill me.’

‘The Elders believe that is what I should have done already. It was a weakness to turn you in the first place, when what I should have done was to let you die and simply covered up any evidence of vampire involvement.’

I felt numb. ‘What don’t they like about me?’

His hand caressed my cheek, but I could hardly feel it. ‘It isn’t personal.’

‘Not
personal
? They want me dead!’

‘This is not about you. It’s about me and my loss of control. About what message that sends to the Family – and the Elders.’

I knew what he was saying was the truth. Vampire Families are important for a number of reasons: they offer protection and control. The Master of a Family is responsible for ensuring his or her vampires don’t go on a rampage among humanity. Being a member of a Family ensures that everyone is accounted for. We needed to stay
hidden
to survive – avoiding mobs with torches and pitchforks was imperative. We had to police
ourselves
. But when the Master vamp’s ability to protect his or her Family falters, that’s when problems begin. If the system falls apart, it could lead to anarchy.

I listened to the ticking of the clock, trying to imagine it was my heart. ‘I suppose, if it comes to it, the Council would make
you
the one to kill me.’

‘Of course.’ His mouth quirked into the ghost of a smile. ‘What else would they do?’

I pushed up onto my knees, rested my hands on his shoulders and looked into his endless silver eyes. ‘Could you do it?’

He didn’t reply, but neither did he look away.

I cupped his face in my hands. ‘Could you end me?’

Theo covered my hands with his own. ‘Let’s not find out.’

I shivered as he pulled me into his arms and pressed my head to his chest. He stroked my hair and I endured it because I knew it was what he would want. But my mind had gone elsewhere – or else
when
. Same place, different time. A year ago in this very house:

On the first day, I wasn’t even conscious. That time is a long, dark space of nothingness
.

On the second, I drift in and out of consciousness. Toward the end of Day Two, I become more aware of my
surroundings
. I remember bits and pieces of what happened to me, confused images, but nothing I can really grab hold of. I remember sleeping with Theo, that much becomes clear. I remember how beautiful it had been, how kind he was
.

And then I remember the pain as he ripped into my throat afterward
.

On the third day, I am racked by convulsions so violent that Theo has to hold me down so that I don’t hurt myself. He ends up sitting behind me on the sweat-soaked bed, arms wrapped around me as I have some kind of seizure, coughing up blood – the blood he’d forced me to drink – and whispering, ‘Kill me, please kill me’ over and over again
.

He tells me that he cannot kill me, and I don’t understand why
.

I threaten to kill myself and he laughs when I tell him I will find pills and swallow them all
.

The one time he leaves the room, I rip a bedside lamp to pieces and use the jagged metal base to slice open my wrists. Theo returns to the room to find me screaming as I watch my flesh knit itself back together, slowly but surely
.

He doesn’t kill me, and I don’t know whether I am grateful for that. I only know that I have never felt such pain in my life. I want to scratch out my eyes as they burn and itch. Theo ties my hands to the bed, but I break the bonds each time. He cannot leave me, even for a moment
.

Until finally, just when I think I can’t take any more, I awake one morning and the world looks different.
Everything
has changed. I burst into tears because there is no way out of this, no denying how different I am. It isn’t just a surface thing – I have been remade, right down to the bone. No, beyond that: my cells have been completely transformed. Reshaped and energized in ways I can’t even begin to comprehend. All I can think about is how much I want blood and that the sun hurts my eyes, and I know that there is no going back
.

Not ever
.

Theo gently pushed me away, breaking the delicate thread of memory. ‘Are you ready to feed now?’

I closed my eyes. There was no point in resisting; not when I’d already agreed to this earlier. I tried to say something – Theo was waiting for my reply – but my throat had gone dry and no words would come.

‘Let me offer you my hospitality, Moth. It is important that the Family see you as part of me – if you still won’t permit me to feed from
you
, then you must at least do this.’ His eyes glittered. ‘I insist.’

‘What are you offering?’ I tried to keep the dull resentment out of my voice.

‘I know you won’t drink directly from a human, and I don’t push you on this,’ Theo said. His voice was hard, letting me know that this was a concession he made especially for me. He smiled, flashing fang. ‘But I fed from a beautiful girl this evening, before the meeting.’

I closed my eyes. ‘How old?’

‘What do you take me for?’ His lips pulled tight so I could see his fangs. ‘She was a willing donor.’

‘I’m sorry, Theo.’ My words tumbled out too quickly, making me feel immediately ashamed of how much I still wanted to please him.
Willing donor?
Please . . .

‘The girl’s blood nurtures me, even as we stand here talking about it.’ He tilted his head, watching me carefully. Oh, so carefully. ‘Drink from me, little Moth, and take this gift I offer you. You did well tonight. Let me give this to you.’

He was turning this into
a reward
. I wanted to cry, but it would do me no good. Sure, I drank human blood – vampires needed it in order to survive – but I drank from blood banks and hospitals. And no more than once a week if I could get away with it.

Theo was still watching, waiting to hear my response. Waiting for my refusal so he could force me. I gritted my teeth together and allowed myself the luxury of imagining myself defying him. Saying ‘no’ and leaving the apartment in a righteous cloud of anger. Leaving the whole Family – including the Elder of Massachusetts. The Council. All of it. Letting Theo explain it to them.

Yeah, right
. If I did that, I’d be signing my own death warrant. And not even
I
could be ‘lucky’ enough to get a third chance at life.

‘OK,’ I sighed, allowing my hunger to show in my
brightly
glowing eyes. I tried to keep the anger out of my voice. ‘I accept your
gift
. Thank you.’

Theo’s eyebrows raised, but other than that he didn’t betray his surprise. He removed his shirt, allowing it to slip from his marble-white shoulders and slide to the ground.

I swallowed and focused on his chest, where his heart would be beating with anticipation – if he were still human. Vampire hearts didn’t beat, of course, although newer vamps like me could still feel the echoes of our humanity.

And I did need to feed, now more than ever. I just wished it didn’t have to involve sticking my fangs into Theo. In the end, though, it didn’t really matter how I did it. The hunger was always there, whether I was awake or asleep: jagged, carnivorous, almost a living thing in itself. Whether I fought it or not, that was a fact of my life now. Like having a terminal disease you’re always aware of.
Owned
by it.

As I placed my hands against his chest and raised myself on tiptoe, Theo wrapped his arms around me and pulled me against him, lifting me off the ground. My lips found the delicious spot just over his carotid artery, and I waited for him to give me permission to drink. He smelled of blood and moonlight.

Almost every other vampire I knew would gladly die (for real) to be in this position, but all I felt was a feral
urge
– like an itch that needed to be scratched. And underlying that a deep and bitter resentment, mixed up with the painful desire to be human again.

As my fangs extended, making my gums throb and my head tingle, I trembled in my Maker’s arms. I ran my tongue across his skin, shivering with anticipation.

He tasted like home.