Falling into Place (21 page)

His words hit her physically. Liz forced a smile, and then she left. Outside, it was between winter twilight and nighttime, a dusky compromise that was not quite one thing or another. Liz ran across the parking lot, and when she reached her car, she leaned her forehead against the side. Her skin stuck to the metal, and all around her, the sky was darkening.

“Well,” she whispered, “I guess I can't change, then.”

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M
r. Eliezer had seen her brightness right away, even though she kept it suppressed and boxed in. She had asked enough intelligent questions between her asinine ones, and even on the first day, he had seen that she could have been a brilliant student if only she would apply herself. That, he had learned, was the worst part of teaching: seeing students give up before they even started.

He had badgered Liz more than any other student, because he had never seen a girl so filled with could-haves.

Mr. Eliezer doesn't stay for long. Monica is still guarding the door—she'd been reluctant to let him in at all to leave his card. He smiles wanly at Liz, as though she can see, and walks out.

The card reads:
DEAR MS. EMERSON, YOU SOLEMNLY SWORE THAT YOU WOULD RAISE YOUR GRADE IN MY CLASS, AND THIS OATH REMAINS YET UNFULFILLED. GET BETTER
.

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S
ince Liam never really went to parties, he became addicted to caffeine instead of other stuff. The cup of coffee that Monica brought him had tasted like plastic, but he needs a refill or he'll collapse. The stress has gotten to him, and right now he really wants to sleep, but he wants to wait for Liz Emerson more.

Liam happens to really like hospitals. His mother is a nurse, and a good part of his childhood had been spent in sterilized hallways. This has always been a place of miracles, not death, and he'd like it to stay this way.

A nurse tells him that there's a café on the fifth floor when he asks, but when he gets in the elevator, he accidentally hits the button for the fourth. He sighs and rubs his face, unreasonably annoyed that the elevator will hesitate on the fourth floor, but there's nothing he can do about that now. He presses the right button, leans back, and closes his eyes.

He actually falls asleep for a second like that, standing, his arms crossed over his chest. Then the elevator opens on the fourth floor, and sobbing jerks him rudely from his momentary oblivion.

He blinks. By the time he is truly awake, the elevator doors are already closing. He blocks them with his arm and steps toward the girl slumped in a corner of the hall.

Liam looks down at Kennie. He hesitates, but after a moment, he clears his throat.

“Julia?” It's a hopeless little thing, her voice, and skeptical. Surely she must know he isn't Julia.
Not even she's that stupid
, he thinks as he crouches down by her. “Jules, is she better?”

“She got moved to a room,” Liam says. “So yes.”

Her head snaps up, and Liam really looks at Kennie for the first time. The truth is, Liam has always thought of Kennie as a slutty, stereotypical Barbie with even less intelligence. Because that's what he's been told.

Now he looks at the grimy tracks of makeup on her cheeks and the broken girl trapped in her eyes, and he realizes that he's an asshole.

He realizes, suddenly, that all humans are, well,
human
.

“You aren't Julia,” she says.

“No,” he agrees.

She sniffles. “Liam, right?”

There, there it is. Before his eyes, Kennie transforms back into the girl everyone expects her to be, slightly idiotic and slightly above the rest, because that's what they've made her.

Liam decides to let it go. Kennie is lost and terrified. He won't let her be alone too.

Everyone wears masks, Liam decides. He's no different.

He offers her a hand. He says, “C'mon. You want to see her?”

Kennie hesitates.

But in the end, she takes his hand.

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L
iz sat in her closet and cried. She cried and cried and hated the world and cried, and by the time she stopped, she was empty. Because there was no one to hate but herself.

Oh, she was still angry with others, for reasons that she knew were wrong. She was angry at her mother for not caring and she was angry at Julia for not being strong enough and she was angry at Kennie for being such a fucking idiot and she was angry at Liam because he had made it possible for her to destroy his life and she was angry at Jake for being an asshole and she was angry at all the people she ever hurt because they just sat there and let her, let her run them over until there was nothing else in her way.

Sitting in her closet, she thought about how this was the last time she would ever sit in her closet again. It was a strange thought. She dug her fingertips into carpet and leaned her head against the wall and thought,
Never again
. There was no going back. The next morning, she would go to school and face one last day, just one, and she would look around and everything would be exactly the same, and people would treat her the same as ever. They would talk and laugh and complain about homework and make fun of teachers, and only she would know that there would be no future. Tomorrow, everything, everything would end.

And god, it surprised her, how desperate she was for it.

She took out her phone and Googled “signs of suicide.”

Deep sadness
.

Loss of interest/withdrawal
.

Trouble sleeping or eating
.

Having a “death wish,” taking unnecessary risks such as driving over the speed limit, running red lights, etc., being excessively reckless
.

Increasing use of alcohol or drugs
.

Mood swings
.

Oh. Well.

No one noticed?

Come on. Trouble sleeping—the irony.

Seriously.

Really?

Her resolve turned from cement to steel. Because no one noticed. Anything.

The section below gave tips on overcoming depression and suicidal thoughts. Liz didn't read them.

There was no getting better.

Not for her.

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S
he tried to enjoy it. She tried to tell herself that she still had this last chance, these last few hours to find a reason to live, but she was numb. She wanted it to end.

She saw Julia laughing before government, but there were shadows under her eyes and a tremor in her fingers. She saw Kennie dancing through the hall, but there was something forced about her laughter. She sat in physics as Mr. Eliezer reviewed Newton's laws of motion for the exam, but she didn't understand a lot of it and thought to herself,
Doesn't matter
.

When I crash, I will be inertia mass acceleration force gravity opposite equal everything
.

I will be nothing
.

When the final bell rang, Mr. Eliezer kept her after class to ask why she hadn't turned in her physics project yet. She didn't say much, but still, by the time he let her go, the halls were mostly empty. She put her textbooks in her backpack and dug her keys out of her purse, and as she walked downstairs and turned for the doors, she saw something that made her stop.

It was Kennie. She had changed into her dance uniform. Her forehead was against her locker, her arms were wrapped around her stomach, and even from where Liz stood, she could see that she was crying.

Liz walked out, started her car, and drove to the gas station. She filled her tank with enough gas to get her to her destination, and then turned in the direction of the interstate.

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S
he finally figured out that she, Liz Emerson, was the equal and opposite reaction. She was the consequence.

She pushed down on the gas pedal.

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L
iam leaves Kennie by Liz's open door, and Kennie goes in slowly. The light is dim. Liz's hands are by her sides and she's wearing a hideous hospital gown, and this is how Kennie has always imagined bodies inside a coffin.

Kennie sits down beside the bed and does what she does best. She talks.

“So,” she says, “I was upstairs in the maternity ward. They are so freaking adorable. The babies, I mean. You know, I've always wanted a sister. Like, one Christmas, when I was four, I wrote to Santa and asked him to exchange Daniel for a big sister instead. Brothers are just kind of useless, you know? You can't borrow dresses or shoes from them or anything.”

Kennie stops. The quietness makes her eyes water. But Kennie isn't just Liz's small, shallow, idiotic, perky, bouncy friend with an immense talent for bawling her eyes out. In that moment, she proves it to herself.

“Yeah. Well, Jules has your math homework. I would have taken chem notes for you, but we didn't take any. Or that's what Jessica Harley said. I skipped class. I heard that everyone just kind of sat there. You would have hated it. I mean, if you had been there, we probably wouldn't have had to sit around all day . . . never mind. You have to get better soon, or else Jake's face is going to heal and you'll never get to see his black eye. It's fantastic. Julia hit him pretty hard. He actually fell backward. Maybe you can give him another one. Oh my god, that would be so great! He'd be like a panda! Hey, by the way, are the two of you even still together? He said you had a fight or something. No one knows what's going on, Liz. I hope you guys are broken up. I hope you don't get back together with him. Liz, you're too good for him.”

Kennie pauses, glances at the doorway, and then gives Liz a conspiratorial look. It's what she would have done if Liz was awake, but it's disconcerting, Liz's stillness, her closed eyes. Kennie makes herself go on, but the lump in her throat turns her voice into something unfamiliar. “You know Liam? I mean, I know he's kind of a nerd, and we were kinda total bitches to him freshman year. But he's kind of cute, don't you think? He has nice eyes. And, fine—he totally likes you, Liz. He watches you, like, all the time in school. I can't believe you haven't noticed before. It's totally cute—not creepy at all. Maybe
watches
isn't the right word, then. But he pays attention, Liz. And he's, like, smart too. Remember when he won the spelling bee in fourth grade? Wait, you weren't here yet. Well, he won the spelling bee in fourth grade. You guys will make such a great couple. I'm just saying. You have to get better soon so you can make out with him and tell us about it, 'kay?”

That's when her voice breaks. The crack starts at her throat and stretches all throughout her, and Kennie's grip on herself begins to slip. “You have to get better soon,” she says. “Liz, just come back. We'll get your car fixed. We can hold all of your notes and homework and stuff for you. We'll fix everything, okay?”

She swallows hard. She leans her cheek against the railing and looks at Liz's face, and whispers, “I'm sorry I was so mad at you. I know it wasn't your fault, with the—the baby. I . . . I'm going to break up with Kyle. And Julia . . . I don't know if she already told you or not, but she said to me earlier that if you got better, she'd tell someone. A rehab person or something. Liz, it'll be okay. It'll all be okay.”

Kennie blinks as rapidly as her sticky, mascara-y lashes will allow. She wipes her eyes quickly with the back of her hand. “Sorry. I'm not crying. Not crying. Okay, remember at the end of, like, seventh grade when I got those stupid matching rings for us, and we swore to be friends forever? I still have mine, you know. And Julia has hers. And I know yours is in the bottom of your jewelry box. I saw it there when I borrowed that one necklace for homecoming. Oh, hey, I still have that, by the way. Remind me to give it back to you. Anyway . . . Liz, forever means, like,
forever
. As in, you can't just leave us behind. Liz—”

A small sob rises in her throat and lodges there, and it takes all of her strength to choke out the next words. “Liz, you have to pull through this. You have to. You can't leave us behind. We—we can't do this without you. God, Liz. Please.”

Then Kennie begins to cry, because no one is strong enough to hold back so many tears.

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L
iz never got to say her good-byes.

Julia left that day while Liz was still talking to Mr. Eliezer. The last time Liz saw her was in the hallway. She had been on her way to Spanish, and Julia had been going to gym. Julia hadn't seen her—she had been too busy trying to pull her ridiculously long hair into a bun, and part of Liz knew that it would be the last time. They had no other classes together, nor any classes that would make their paths cross, and so when she saw Julia, she stopped in the middle of the hallway and just watched, trying to impress that moment into her memory, never mind that her memories would cease to exist in mere hours.