Falling In (7 page)

              “Shit, I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry, Evangeline. If I made you uncomfortable—”              

              “It’s fine.” I interrupt, waving it off. I can’t look at him right now. Otherwise, he’ll see that he didn’t make me feel uncomfortable. He made me
hot
.

              “No, it’s not fine. It was inappropriate. You can’t even look at me. And now, since I opened my big-ass mouth, you’ll probably avoid me for even longer this time.”

              I cringe and finally turn back to him. The jerk is smirking.

              “I wasn’t avoiding you,” I lie. Not very well.              

              “Yes, you definitely were. I didn’t like it so much. I’m still not sure what I did, though.” He wonders his statement out loud, waiting for me to reveal the reason.

              What the hell do I say to that?
Um, I was avoiding you because you have consumed my every thought for the last week. You’re so damn hot, I want to lick you from head to toe. I want you inside me so badly I’d easily forget my commitment to the greatest man I have ever known.

              Shit, is that how I feel?

             
No
. It can’t be.

“Okay, I might have been avoiding you a tad bit. But it had nothing to do with you, per se. I was trying to finish the book, and I didn’t need any distractions.” I offer, which is actually true. It’s just not the full truth.
He can never know the full truth.

              “So I’m a distraction?” he asks with a raised eyebrow.

             
Damn it.

              “Yes, you’re definitely a distraction. But a good distraction.” I answer honestly, surprising myself.
Shit, that was flirty
. Trying to change the subject, I ask, “So, how are you liking it here in P-town?”

              Jake looks over at Ben, eyes brimming with happiness and affection. When his eyes land back on me, I feel that pull again. I think he feels it, too.

Still smiling with those same emotions, he answers, “I think I’m beginning to really love it here.”

A small grin appears on my face, matching his. We seem to be having these moments often where our feelings are synced somehow. It’s like whenever we lock gazes, there is this strange connection ignited. It’s unnerving and kind of amazing at the same time. I turn away first, breaking the bond.

After that, we spend the rest of the play date watching the kids wear themselves out and talking about mundane things. I try to steer the conversation towards him, wanting to know more about this man who has been thrust into my daily thoughts. We talked about first jobs, favorite books, and movies. We both happen to love
Almost Famous
, which turns into a whole side conversation that eventually leads to music. We also have somewhat similar tastes, although I lean more towards Classic Rock, Folk, and Indie, as he prefers more of the harder stuff—Punk and ‘90s Grunge. We do, however, share an affinity to old school Hip-Hop. By some sneaky wizardry, he somehow gets me to admit to my shameful liking of Taylor Swift and Britney Spears.
Whatever
.
They’re awesome. Everyone can shut it.
He laughs so loudly at me, I can’t help but to join in, then I punch him in the arm. Which most likely hurt me more than it did him, with his Superman-like arms of steel.

Finally, after about two hours, the kids come trudging back, looking thoroughly exhausted. We decide it’s time to pack it up and walk back home. I smile to Jake, nudging his arm and pointing to the kids as I see them all holding hands. He smiles and nudges my arm back, singeing the tiny hairs with the contact. As we walk, we proceed to brush arms or lightly touch the back of our hands together, just like the day I helped unpack his house. Except for this time, the feeling in the pit of stomach is larger. Scarier.

Hotter.

We keep sharing these small, sideways glances. I’m definitely not the only one feeling this. I need to stop. But I don’t want to. So I don’t.

I’m an awful person.

I let out a deep sigh of relief when we reach our houses. The kids hug and stroll to their respective doors, more than likely to pass out on the couch. Jake and I linger in the space between our houses, making me feel like this was a first date or something. Then I remember that I needed to give him something. I reach into my bag, searching for the kids’ birthday invitation. I meant to give it to him a while ago, but my mind has been preoccupied lately.
Mostly by him
. Hopefully, this won’t be a mistake. Just the thought of being around him and Cole at the same time makes my stomach roll. But the kids adore Ben, and he needs a little more fun in his life. I finally pull it out and hand it to Jake.

              “It’s an invitation to the twins’ birthday party next weekend. I know it’s late notice, but the kids would love it for Ben to come. It’s just a barbeque at our house, but there will be a bouncy house for the kids, so it should be fun.”

              He reaches for it and our fingertips brush, sending tingles up my arm. My body shivers.
Damn traitor
. I really need to control that. He looks over the invite and looks back up to me, grinning.

              “Of course we’ll come. Ben will lose his shit when I tell him.” He pauses for a moment, debating what to say next. This is starting to get awkward again. After what seems like a lifetime, he finally speaks. “I had fun with you today. Even though it was kind of a sham play date,” he says playfully with that stupid twinkle in his eye.

              I laugh softly, and then say, “I guess it did start off that way, but I’m glad I didn’t cancel. I thought about it more than once this morning.”              

              He looks offended for a second, but then smiles brightly again, twinkle still in full effect. “I’m glad you made the right choice—or wrong choice. Whichever way you look at it.”

             
Hmmm. He’s more intuitive than I thought
. My face falls, panic setting in. I need to go inside.

              “Well, I should go now. Cole’s going to be home soon.”

              I turn to leave, but Jake grabs my shoulder, stopping me from my escape. I shudder from the touch. And before I can try to get away again, he pulls me into his arms. I can hear his heartbeat against my cheek. It’s beating as fast as mine. Maybe even faster. I feel his hot breath on my hair. My skin prickles and my eyes shut tightly. We stand there, silently, for what seems like hours, but I know it’s only been a minute. Then he drops his mouth to my ear and I draw in a breath, relishing the barely there touch of his lips. Wishing for more.

              “When can I see you again?” he whispers softly.

              I’m afraid to speak. Not sure I can, with him so close.
This is dangerous.
Somehow finding my voice, I croak out an answer. “Tomorrow morning.”

              He nods against the top of my head and gradually pulls away. He walks backwards toward his door for a few steps, never taking his eyes off me. Then he turns back around, breaking me out of the trance my body was in. I stand there, watching him enter his house and close the door behind him. Then I let out the breath that I didn’t realize I was holding in.
Did we just cross the line?

Fuck.

Jake

I just crossed the line.

But fuck, I couldn’t help myself. Every time I’m near her, I can’t think straight. All of my common sense flies out the damn window. God, she smells so good—fruity, with a hint of vanilla. I’ve honestly thought of breaking into her house and stealing her damn body wash just so I can smell it whenever I want to.
How fucking creepy is that?

It’s fucking creepy as hell.

But that was before.
Before
I held her.
Before
I felt her perfectly curvy little body against mine.
Before
I touched her smooth, sun-kissed skin.
Before
I touched my lips to her ear and felt her shudder in my arms. Damn, that was the hottest thing I have ever experienced.
And we were fully clothed, for fuck’s sake.
Now, all I can think about is touching her again. Feeling her. Being inside of her.

I’m so fucked
.

God, I wish my sister was still here. She was always smarter than me, always there to give advice, always talked me down from doing whatever stupid shit I was about to do. And this—this is way past stupid.
Dangerous
. Beyond messed up. You don’t fuck with another man’s girl. But I can’t stop. She’s gotten under my skin. I can feel her everywhere. My body gravitates toward her like we’re tethered to one another. And I know, especially after today, that she feels the same way. I can see it in her eyes. I affect her just as much as she does me. But she’s fighting it, trying to do the right thing—which makes me fucking want her even more.

I’m a bastard. I’ve never denied that. I want what I want. And I want
her
. I swear, she was meant for me.
Not him
. We’re so much alike. Our childhood and adolescence was chockfull of loss and all around fucked-upedness. Damaged down deep but fighting every day to heal, to fix what was broken by others. After she told me last night what she went through with her dad, I punched a hole in the wall. I was insanely furious. Sick to my stomach. And fucking
jealous
. Jealous that Cole has been there for her when it should be me. Yeah, not only am I bastard, but I’m also an insanely irrational one. And Jesus, if her dad wasn’t already dead, I would beat the shit out of him until he took his last breath. Then I’d do it all over again. No one should
ever
be allowed to lay a hand on her. She’s perfection. Beautiful.
So fucking beautiful
. She makes my heart ache.

Crave.

I don’t know how much longer I can hold back, be the bigger man. The better man. My resolve to keep my distance is cracking, wavering. I have to try. I’d regret it for a lifetime if I didn’t, because I’m falling for her.
Shit—I’ve already fallen
. It’s been a week, and I’ve fallen for the girl next door. The girl who happens to be practically married, with kids. But I can’t get over this. I can’t fight it. I need to be careful, though. He caught me this morning, watching her. He isn’t stupid. He saw it in my eyes, even if it was briefly. He saw the want.
Fuck, am I really going to do this? Come between a man and the mother of his children? The love of his life?

Yeah. I am.

Geez, I really am a bastard. 

***

Evangeline

I feel like I’ve been walking in a daze since Jake left me standing outside our houses hours ago. I keep absentmindedly touching the nape of my neck where he whispered in my ear. When I felt the warmth of his lips exhale against my lobe. The intake of breath in my hair. My skin erupts in goose bumps every time my mind wanders to that moment. That brief moment, where everything around us disappeared and I was in his arms. It felt right and so wrong at the same time. These conflicting emotions just won’t stop circling inside me. I want him.
Badly.
But yet, I don’t. Or maybe I just don’t
want
to want him.

I think Cole knows something is up with me. No—
I know he does.
When he got home from the game, he found me in the kitchen, staring off into nothing with a glass of wine. I don’t normally drink before five. He asked right away if I was okay, if something happened, if I’d had a blast from the past. It happens every once in awhile. Something minuscule will trigger a memory of my life before. It hasn’t happened in a few months. I couldn’t look him in the eye as I muttered out a yes. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so guilty in my life as when he hugged me tightly from behind, whispering, “He’s gone” over and over again. But I can’t tell him what’s really going on in my head and in my heart. It would break him. He doesn’t deserve this. This betrayal. He saved me. He’s been there, always. He’s the love of my life.

Jesus.
He’s the love of my life.

And yet, I can’t get another man out of my damn head.

For the rest of the night, I’m barely hanging on. It’s like I’m on cruise control. With too many forced smiles, nods, and enough ‘uh huhs’ and ‘reallys’ throughout dinner to last a lifetime, Cole finally sends me upstairs, telling me he’s got the kids. After a kiss to the forehead and hugs goodnight from the kids, I walk through our bedroom. I brush my teeth and scrub my face, trying to rid the chaos in my head. Then I strip down to my panties and bra and climb into bed. Staring at the ceiling, I take continuous deep breaths, hoping to ease my anxiety. I do this for what seems like forever before my eyelids get heavy, and the last thought I have before I drift off is…
I can’t wait for tomorrow
.

***

I wake up in Cole’s arms feeling safe and loved. Then suddenly, like a lightning bolt striking my subconscious, I remember yesterday and I cringe from the guilt that is plaguing me. I know I haven’t done much besides fantasize and flirt a bit, but it still feels wrong. It feels unfaithful. And yet, not even that will stop me from seeing Jake today. I don’t even know who I am anymore. In just one week, everything I thought I knew has shifted. I thought I could ignore him, ignore the want that is festering inside me. But after knowing how my body felt against his, I just can’t. That hug was far from innocent. It was a tease.
A promise for more to come.
The thought gives me chills. I try and shake the feeling away.

Turning into Cole’s arms, I stare at the man who holds my heart. I want to wake him and confess these feelings that are growing rapidly inside me, but my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth and the words never come. Instead, I kiss his sweet lips softly before creeping out of bed.

I go downstairs and start my morning routine, albeit a bit early. After my tea, I practice yoga for thirty minutes, but with my preoccupied mind, it felt at least double that time. Then I idly pack everyone’s lunches for school. By the time I’m done, only an hour has passed. I’m still feeling anxious; yoga did not do its job today.

Silently praying that I don’t wake up the kids, I sneak back upstairs, quietly moving around the known creaks in our old staircase. I walk into my bedroom, shutting the door lightly. I glance at a still sleeping Cole. I guess he’s skipping out on the run this morning.
Good
. I don’t think I’m ready to face him just yet. I step into the shower, turn it on, and hope the scalding hot water will ease some of my uncertainty. I close my eyes and let the water pierce my skin, soothing my worries. I take some deep breaths.
In through the nose. Out through the mouth
.

I am so lost in relaxation, I don’t notice Cole until I feel his bare arms around my naked waist.
The second time he’s done that in less than 12 hours. I really need to snap out of it
. He lightly brushes his hands across my stomach, sending tingles down below. His mouth is on my neck, and I briefly picture Jake doing the same thing yesterday, but I squash the image as quickly it appears.

Feeling his hard cock against my ass, I push back against him and moan. He growls in my ear, and turns me around, pinning me against the wall. He looks into my eyes, and I swear he can see my every thought and worry.

“How are you feeling today?” he asks with concern and lust in his eyes.

              “Better now. I need you, Cole.” I whisper huskily as the tip of his erection grazes my lower stomach. His eyes become even more heated and he thrusts against me. Teasing me. He licks his lips and then claims my mouth roughly.

              Soon he stops kissing me, grabbing my face in his large hands as he asks, “What do you need me to do, baby? I’ll do anything. Just tell me.”

              “I need you to fuck me, Cole. I need you to fuck me, hard and fast.” I pant, the need becoming almost unbearable. I have to get these effed up thoughts out of my head.

              With a rumble deep in his chest, he smashes he mouth back on mine, attacking my lips with a fervor that I know will leave my mouth raw. Simultaneous moans fill the steaming bathroom. He’s pinching my nipples with his thumb and forefinger while grinding against me and fucking my mouth with his. He abruptly leaves my mouth and replaces his fingers with his tongue on my hard nipple. I drop my head back and relish this feeling. My guilt from earlier is slowly seeping out of me. In this moment, things are how it should be.
I am Cole’s.
             

              “Cole, please, baby.” I beg, needing him so bad I feel like I’m going to burst.

              At those words, he turns me around and bends me over. I brace my hands against the wall, ass in the air, ready and waiting. And then he slams into me. Hard. We both groan as he fills me up. He slowly pulls almost all of the way out, only to slam back into me again, even deeper than before. He does this repeatedly until I can’t take it anymore. I reach my hand between my legs and start massaging his balls. Teasing him. He hisses, then starts hammering into me. Loud moans and the sound of our wet bodies slapping against each other bounce off the walls. He slaps my right ass cheek and I squeal with surprise, but tell him to do it again. And he does. He slaps the other cheek and I groan with pain and pleasure.
Cole is never rough like this
. He’s usually so careful and attentive. This—this is raw and animalistic. I’m so close. Just a few more pounds and I’m—

              “
Fuuuuuck
!” I scream as I come apart violently. My body is quivering as he continuously fucks me from behind. He somehow picks up his pace, grunting and digging his fingers into my hips until finally I feel him spill inside me. He rests his head on my back as we calm down our breathing. As my legs are about to buckle, he pulls me into his strong arms and holds me tightly.

              Brushing my wet hair from my face, he looks passionately into my eyes before pulling my head back against his chest. We stand there, holding each other for a few minutes. Not saying anything. Just breathing. I feel comfort and safety in these arms. And love.
So much fucking love
. I pull away first. The kids will be up any minute—if they aren’t already—and to be honest, the uneasiness I have been feeling between us is beginning to seep in again.

              We hurriedly wash each other’s bodies, paying special attention to our favorite parts, then turn the now cold water off and step out of the shower. He wraps me in a towel and delicately kisses my temple before leaving the bathroom to get ready for work. I stay rooted to the spot, needing a breather before I officially face the day. Before I see
him
.

              I stare into the foggy mirror and see my flushed face. Despite my internal battle, my eyes are bright.
What am I doing?
I have this man. This wonderful effing man. He truly loves me unconditionally, broken and all.
Why would I risk losing that, over some crush, an infatuation that will probably go away just as quickly as it came?
I take one final deep breath and make my decision. I’m ending this before it even starts. I’m letting go of Jake before things get out of hand.

When I finally leave the bathroom, Cole’s already downstairs, and with the kids, from the sound of it. I slip on a black and white tie-dye maxi skirt with a magenta tank cropped top, sans bra, because honestly, I don’t really need one with my 34B-sized boobs. My tits may be small, but my ass more than makes up for it, courtesy of my half Puerto Rican heritage. I put my damp hair into a side braid and head downstairs to my waiting family.

They all look up at me from their bowls of Honey-Nut Cheerios as I walk into the kitchen. The kids say good morning between mouthfuls and Cole winks. I give them all kisses on the cheek before joining them in their breakfast of choice.

After we finish, the kids run back up to their rooms to get ready, and I gather Cole’s lunch and coffee. Thanks to our shower romp, he’s running a bit behind. He groans when he notices my lack of bra as he’s grabbing his stuff from my hands. I pull him into a heated kiss before whispering against his lips that my panties seem to be missing, too. His eyes blaze as he sets down his lunch box and travel mug. His hands grip my ass as he tilts his head back and lets out a “Fuck”. He attacks my mouth once more, biting my bottom lip, licking it, and then promising to thoroughly take advantage of the easy access later. As I hear him yell goodbye to the kids and walk out of the door, an unnerving thought pops into my head. We’ve been having sex a lot more than usual. I mean we’ve always had a healthy sex life but lately I’ve been more than needy and he seems to be happy to take full advantage. I know I should be happy or proud of this but it leaves me with an unsettling feeling. It’s the timing. The timing speaks volumes. Does Cole feel threatened? Am I projecting my infatuation on him? Using him?
Shit.
No, it’s all in my head or his.
Regardless he can’t know anything is up because nothing is up. Nothing has happened.
Yet.
No. Nothing happened and won’t happen.
Fuck me.
I’m not ready to make sense of this yet. Not even close.