Falling In (12 page)

I let out the deep breath I didn’t even realize I was holding and begin the search for my nephew. I make my way upstairs, hearing laughter in one of the bedrooms. Upon inspection, I only see Dylan and a few other boys who aren’t Ben. Most of the families are making their way out the door as I head back downstairs. I walk through the hallway into the kitchen and stop a few feet away from the back door.

Evangeline is standing just outside the door, looking like a retro pinup dream. I suck in a breath and walk over to her, wanting to see what she’s looking at so intently. I step out into the now cool, crisp Oregon air and stand next to her, shoulder to shoulder. Or in our case, shoulder to ear. I hear her breath hitch as it always does. I smile despite what went on today, taking comfort in the fact that I certainly do affect her as much as she does me. I take a quick peek at her before following her gaze.

Sitting on the edge of the deck are Ben and Cady, his arm around her as she rests her head on his shoulder.
Purity and innocence at its finest
. Tears threaten to spill, but I push them back with as much strength as I can muster. I turn back to Evangeline and see that she did not have it in her to hold back. Silent tears are streaming down her cheeks, though a small smile graces her lips.

“It’s so beautiful, isn’t it? Young love. Before all of the complications—it’s just beautiful and free. No games. No jealousy. No guilt. No betrayal. Just beauty,” she observes sadly.

“Evangeline—”

“Thanks for coming, Jake. It looked like you and Ben had fun. I’m sure I’ll see you around.”

She walks to Cady, interrupting their moment before I can get a word in. After giving Ben a hug, she picks her daughter up and carries her inside the house without so much as a goodbye or a glance back. I walk over to Ben, who’s staring at the back door the girls just walked into. The silly look of love on his face brings a smile to my own.

Clapping him on the back, I say, “I know how you feel, buddy.” He looks at me and nods, looking so grown up for a second before grabbing my hand as we walk out the back gate to our house next door, leaving our ladies behind.                 

Evangeline

I’m walking to Jake’s house. I don’t know why. I do, however, know that this is a mistake.
I shouldn’t be doing this—I really shouldn’t
. But I can’t stop myself. So I don’t. I push down the raging guilt that is threatening to turn me around, back to my bed where I should be, where Cole is.

I should be where Cole is.

But I’m not.

I’m at Jake’s door. I feel like I’m watching a movie, sitting in the uncomfortable theater seats, observing myself knock lightly on the door. In the theater I’m screaming at the screen to stop. To run.
You still have a chance
. But just like every movie, the actress never listens. And neither do I. Jake answers, looking groggy from the sleep I just took him away from. When he realizes it’s me at the door, his eyes practically bulge out of his head.

“Evie, what are you doing here?” he called me Evie.
He never calls me Evie.
Ignoring the peculiar feeling that creeps up, I brush past him, not answering his question as I walk inside the house and make my way upstairs. I hear him shut the door and slowly trail behind me, clearly not knowing what is going on. Honestly, I don’t really know what’s going on, either. I just know that I want this.

I shouldn’t—but I do.

I enter his room and stand in front of his bed, watching him as he closes another door. He’s wearing gym shorts, hung loose on his hips, showcasing his abs that look painted on, possibly photo-shopped.
And that V
. That panty-drenching, heart pounding, I-want-to-lick-along-the-ridges V. It’s a total Ryan Gosling moment.

I lick my lips in anticipation. He watches me blatantly check him out, a mix of bewilderment and lust on his face. There are so many questions in his eyes. So I take the opportunity to answer him—silently, and with my body. I lift my tank top over my head, revealing my bare breasts. I’ve never really been one for bras. His eyes dip down for a second before returning to my face. The puzzling look from earlier has disappeared, leaving only pure, unadulterated desire. I slip my tiny boxer shorts down my legs slowly and seductively. Stepping out of them, I remain standing.
Waiting
. My heart is beating out of my chest, but I don’t give a fuck if he can hear it. In fact, I want him to. I want him to hear how he makes me feel. And he makes me feel hot.

Craved.

Alive.

He finally strides over, never dropping eye contact. When he reaches me, he runs his finger lightly down the space between my breasts and down to my core, causing my nipples to harden and my body to tremor violently. I am so wet for him, I can feel it pooling between my legs. He smiles knowingly before dropping down onto his knees. Then he begins to place small kisses along my lower belly. I can feel his tongue snake out just the tiniest bit. His hands are on my ass, squeezing and kneading, rubbing down my legs as his mouth goes lower. I can feel his warm breath over my slit. I squirm in his hands.

“
Jake
.” I plead his name breathlessly.

He looks up to me with hooded eyes. “I know, baby. I know,” he says as he licks the top of my lips. I moan. He licks again. And again.
Teasing
. Never licking where I want him to.
Need him to
.

I grip his hair in my hands, moaning
please, please, please
over and over like it’s a song that I just can’t get out of my head. Finally, he relents. Lifting my right leg onto his shoulder, he plunges his tongue deep into my pussy. I cry out his name as he sucks hard on my clit, then licks, sucks, and repeats the process. He inserts two fingers inside my heat, pumping in and out, while he continues to eat my pussy like it’s his last meal. I can feel my legs about to give out but I push through, needing this, needing his touch, needing
him
. When he adds a third finger, pounding them into me while continuing his assault with his tongue, I come viciously against his mouth, screaming incoherent words, and almost pulling out the hair I was holding onto so tightly. He continues to lap up my arousal, savoring my taste while my post-orgasm shakes begin to wane.

He swoops me up into his arms and lays me gently on top of his bed. I watch him as he sheds his shorts, his hard cock standing at attention, ready to sink deep inside my warm depths. He opens my legs wide open, positioning himself between them, then rubs the tip of his hardness against my slick slit.

“Open your eyes, Evie. I want to see you as I thrust inside your beautiful, wet pussy.”

I didn’t even realize my eyes were closed. I try to open them, but I can’t.

“Open your eyes, Evie.”

“Evie! Open your eyes. Wake up, baby.”

That’s no longer Jake talking.
It’s Cole
.

Why is Cole here?

“Evie!” he yells at me as my eyes begin to flutter open. Cole is sitting up in our bed, leaning over me, worry etched into his face. I lay there disorientated, covered in a layer of sweat.
It was a dream
. Another mind-blowingly realistic dream that somehow woke up Cole.
God, I hope I didn’t talk in my sleep
. Though, from the look on Cole’s face, I don’t think that is the case.
Thank goddess for that.

“Are you okay, baby? You were moaning and shaking. Scared the hell out of me.” Cole says, swiping a damp piece of hair from my face. Love and concern for me—the subconscious cheater—ever present in his soft blue eyes.

“I’m fine. It was just a nightmare. I don’t even remember what it was about.” I grab his hand that is gently caressing the side of my cheek and give him a small smile, hoping to reassure him that everything is okay. That
I
am okay—even though deep down, I know I am not. My heart is still racing and my thoughts are all muddled. I feel so uncertain, and I’m afraid I’m becoming detached from the man I have spent my entire life loving. I don’t know how much longer I can keep denying these feelings for Jake. As much as I try to push them down, they just seem to keep growing like an effing tumor.  But I won’t give in. I’ll fight the urge until the end.

Hopefully, the end is near, because after that dream, I don’t have much faith in my self-control.

Cole seems pacified, because with one last look, he leans down, kissing my forehead, and then lies back in bed. It’s not even five minutes later that I hear his breathing even out and soft snores leave his slightly parted mouth. I turn on my left side, nestling into the crook of his arm, resting my right arm across his stomach. Needing to feel the connection that we’ve had for so long. It’s still there. It will always be there, and it’s strong. My love for him hasn’t changed at all. My heart still beats for him, but for some unknown and baffling reason, my heart is making room for another.
How is that even possible?
I never thought it could be, but here I am, losing sleep, and lying next to the man I love, while thinking of another.
I’m a freaking walking romance novel
. 

I’m not sure when I drifted back to sleep but when I wake up again, I’m alone. I curl up in a ball, listening to the soft raps of rain against the window. I look out and see nothing but grey skies and drizzling water. Dull. Overcast. Gloomy.
I feel you, Portland
.

Okay, that’s it
. I’m going to allow myself five minutes of mourning the loss of what never could be, and then this angst-ridden pity party is over. One minute…
Suck it up, Evie
. Two…
Get over it, Evie
. Three…
You have an amazing life
. Four…
You don’t need him
. Five…
It’s only lust and lust is not love. Deep breathe in through the nose, out the mouth.

All right, I’m all done now.

I get out of bed with purpose. I’m regaining control of my emotions and pushing all thoughts of Jake out of my head. Insanely hot sex dreams forgotten.

Mostly
.

He is not mine. He will never be mine
.
And I don’t give a flying eff
. I’m saying all of this in my mind with such conviction, I almost start believing this bullshit.
Almost.

I jump in the shower, hoping to wash away the residual mixed emotions. I scrub every inch of me, and quite possibly lose a layer of skin from the rigorous cleansing. Thankfully, it does the trick. I feel rejuvenated and lighter, and I let out a huge sigh of relief. I get dressed quickly, throwing on a long black tank dress that clings to my body in just the right way and braid my damp hair as I walk downstairs to start the day. I’m greeted there with Cole and the kids, my family, all cuddled up on the couch, glued to
The Amazing World of Gumball
. They’re cracking up at something as I meet Cole’s eyes, laughter and love seeping out of those beautiful blues. He nods me over with a smile, and I comply.

I approach them and squeeze my generous-sized ass in between Dyl and Cole. He pulls a throw blanket from the back of the couch over his head, covering all of us up. I curl up next to him while pulling Dyl to my side. Cole does the same to Cady, and we stay there all day.

The rain never lets up, so we keep ourselves inside and have a
Toy Story
marathon, including all of the shorts. We munch on popcorn, which ends up turning into a mini popcorn war. I’m not sure who won, but from the looks of the floor, I’m thinking I lost, since I’m the one who will be cleaning up the damn mess. Laughter fills the air throughout the day, making me feel warm and truly happy.
This is where I belong
. I smile to myself. Cole catches it.

“What are you smiling about?” he asks, grinning back at me.

“I’m just happy. In this moment, with our family. And you. You make me happy.” And I mean every word. He looks at me for a long moment, his eyes searching before replying.              

“You’ve always made me happy, Evie.” He says, taking a deep breath. “And as long as you’re with me, you always will.” He declares it so solemnly, I’m taken aback.

Well that was cryptic. What the hell does he mean by that?
I stare at him, noticing the worry lines creasing his forehead. He offers me a small smile. I reach out to him, wanting to remove whatever doubt is plaguing him. Although, I am pretty sure I know what’s behind his sad eyes. He’s always been intuitive. I just don’t want to admit anything out loud. And since he hasn’t said a word, I’m thinking he doesn’t want to, either. Ignorance—and in this case, avoidance—is bliss. I cup his cheek softly as he closes his eyes, inhaling my touch.

I grab his face in my hands and give him a deep, passionate, yet appropriate kiss—
our kids are right next to us, for eff’s sake
—no tongue, but it still creates tingles inside my core and between my legs. He moves his mouth to my ear, nipping the lobe before whispering promises of naughty things to come.

As the somberness that was radiating off him quickly disappears, I relax into the couch and enjoy our perfect, lazy Sunday. We order pizza, all of us eating way more than we should, and continue our Pixar extravaganza, moving on to
The Incredibles
, and finishing with my favorite,
Wall-E
. The kids fall asleep in our arms right around the time EVE goes into shutdown mode and Wall-E tries his damndest to wake her up. We hesitantly pick the kids up and make our slow, winded way up the stairs to put them to bed.

I start to head back down to clean up the catastrophe that is our living room, but barely even take a step before I’m being hauled into Cole’s strong arms and carried away to our bedroom. We make sweet and tender love that night. Slow and consuming. I feel like we’re trying to reconnect, knowing full well that my mind has been elsewhere these last couple weeks. But tonight, I’m here, and I’m all his. There are no thoughts of attractive neighbors or guilt from lusting of said hot neighbor present in my mind. It’s only Cole and I, moving together in the best way possible. Tonight, everything is back to the way it was. Before
him
. I just hope it can stay that way. For all of our sakes.

***

The next few days surprisingly go by better than I expected. Maybe it’s because I’ve been totally preoccupied with getting my book release in order, promoting it on Facebook, and talking back forth with my editor, amongst all of the other day to day stuff an at-home mom has to do. The fact that I have barely seen Jake probably helped, too.
Out of sight, out of mind.
The only time he’s even talked to me was when I asked him if Ben could have a sleepover with the kids on Friday. They’ve been pestering me about it since he moved in. Jake was hesitant at first, but after one look at Ben’s lit-up face, he’d be heartless to say no. But after that conversation, it’s been nothing but sideways glances and half-hearted smiles. And although this is what I wanted, I still find myself wondering what he’s doing—
who
he’s doing—or if he hates me for what I said at the party. I was a bitch.
But it had to be done, right?
Whatever was happening couldn’t go on. I know Cole was sensing something between us. He’s been so happy these last few days, like a heaviness has been lifted from his shoulders. I only wish mine would do the same.