Falling Hard (3 page)

“Where’s her family, and why doesn’t she have a job?”

“She doesn’t have any family. She and Jim met at a dance sponsored by Adult Orphans. And she does have a job. She’s a nurse’s aide. Right now she’s out on maternity leave.”

“Why?”

“How the hell should I know why?” I demanded. “Maybe she's having a difficult pregnancy. She has health benefits, but very little money and no place to stay.”

“So what? Are you going to get stuck with taking care of her until she has the baby?”

“It’s only for a couple of months.” But in my mind I knew it was going to be the hardest two months of my life. I'd spent the entire weekend trying to hide my growing desire for her.

“What makes you think Jim is coming back for her at all?” Ryan demanded.

If Ryan had met her, he wouldn't doubt that Jim would return. “He'll come back for her.”

“Why are you so sure of that?”

I shrugged. “I just am. He's already shown an interest in her welfare that he's never shown with any other woman.”

“Have you heard from him yet, Tom?”

“No, but he knows from past experience that I’d need a week or two to cool off. I have no doubt he’ll be back.”

“How do you know? Because he said so? Come on, Tom. At some point you have to stop trying to mop up his messes.”

Ryan and Jim had never really liked each other but generally managed to be civil--until Ryan felt Jim was taking advantage of me. “Because he cares about her. If he didn’t he’d have dumped her long ago.”

“Come on, Tom. Wake up! He’s conned you again. This isn’t your problem. Why don’t you try talking her into having an abortion?”

While I hadn’t balked at the other two girls having an abortion, the thought of destroying a baby that was part of Tanya made me feel sick.
And Jim apparently feels the same way,
I reminded myself.
You can't afford to forget that. He will be back for her so don't go get any ideas about her.

But at that point, it was already too late. Not that I was ready to admit it then. During my lunch break, I drove to the tiny florist shop in the center of town and ordered a dozen roses to be sent to the apartment. I hesitated a moment, then paid to have a dozen sent every week for the next couple of weeks.

“What do you want the cards to say?” The clerk asked.

I thought for a moment. “To my special lady, Tanya. Tom will take care of you until I get back. Jim.”

The clerk looked at me.

She was pretty and young. I sighed. She probably knew Jim.

Heading back to work, I had mixed feelings about what I'd just done. I didn’t want to deceive Tanya, but I also wanted to lift her spirits. If letting her think Jim thought enough of her to send her flowers on a weekly basis helped it, so be it.

I knew I'd made the right decision when a glowing Tanya met me at the door when I got home that night.

“Oh, Tom! Look!” She held the roses out to me. “You were right. Aren't they beautiful?”

I nodded, pleased she liked them.

“He does care about me!”

“Who?” I asked, taking off my jacket. “You got a secret admirer Jim should know about?”

“Don't I wish?”

Did she really wish? If she did, she only had to look in my direction.

“They're from Jim! He sent me these beautiful roses.”

Damn. The delight I saw in her face told me Jim still had her heart. Lucky bastard. Even as I smiled, I swallowed my disappointment that she was so willing to believe that he’d actually sent her the roses.

The sooner I realized fantasizing about her was a waste of my time, the less likely I'd end up with a broken heart.

She sniffed the roses and smiled at me. “You look hungry.”

“I am, unfortunately cooking isn't what I do best.”

“Then aren't you lucky that I'm pretty good at it?”

“You can cook?”

She nodded. “Did you think I was just another pretty face?”

I shrugged. “I'll be the judge of whether you can actually cook or are just another pretty face,” I told her.

She tossed her head, sending her hair cascading around her shoulders. “Then go wash your hands and then come into the kitchen to see what delights I've prepared for you.”

After finishing in the bathroom, I followed her into the kitchen where the table was set for two.

She turned from the stove to smile at me. “Sit down and get ready to enjoy.”

I sat. And since she had prepared a delicious meal, I enjoyed both the meal and listening to her.

The roses had really seemed to lift her spirits. She smiled frequently as she talked about the future she hoped to share with Jim.

I swallowed hard. It really was uncool to be jealous of my own brother. But seated across from her, noticing the graceful way she held her fork, and how her full lips barely touched the rim of her glass when she brought it to her mouth, made it difficult to keep my gaze from lingering on her. But that's what I needed to do because her voice was filled with hope and excitement. Her eyes sparkled.

She was so beautiful. I loved everything about her and couldn’t think of a better way to spend my evening.

“You're going to make Jim a very happy man,” I told her.

“Do you think so?”

I nodded.

She reached across the table to grip my hand. “I'm going to do my best. I know we should have taken precautions, but I don't regret having his baby and I'm looking forward to being a mother and a wife.”

I doubted Jim had any immediate plans to marry her, but maybe I was wrong. I smiled. “I'm sure you'll be an excellent mother and make Jim a very happy man.”

After dinner we washed the dishes together and then sat in the living room watching TV. Or rather she watched TV. I watched her whenever I safely could. Later that night, I took a cool shower and then lay in bed trying not to think about her before I finally fell asleep. I think knowing that she was thinking about Jim and not me helped.

I got better at hiding my feelings from her and we settled into a routine. I spent my days working hard and looking forward to going home to her at night. We had dinner together each night and sometimes watched TV or a rented movie. On Friday nights, I got to unwind by going for a long, moonlight drive with her beside me after dinner.

After blowing off Ryan's attempts to get me to spend the night at our favorite strip club in the city, I arrived home one Friday night to find her sitting in the darkened living room. I left the overhead light off, but turned on one of the floor lamps before kneeling on the carpet in front of her. “Tanya? What’s wrong?”

She shook her head. “Nothing.”

“You're sitting in the dark. Something's wrong.”

She shrugged. “I’m just wondering.”

I glanced at the coffee table. A vase of roses sat there. “Wondering what? You don't like roses anymore?”

“I love roses.”

“Then what's wrong?”

“Oh, Tom,” she whispered. “Don't you know?”

My heartbeat raced. What was she trying to tell me? “Know what?”

She slipped out of the chair and into my arms. “It’s been four whole weeks!”

Was she starting to feel something for me? Had the long drives and the shared dinners finally let her see me as a man instead of just Tom's brother? “And?”

“Why doesn’t he call me?”

Jim. Again. Damn it! I didn’t want to talk about him. And I sure as hell wasn't in the mood to keep making excuses for him. How was I suppose to explain why he hadn't called either of us when all I wanted was Tanya? I wanted to feel her...to move with her...to love her.

Instead of surrendering to my need for her, I tried to give her what I knew she needed--comfort.

I pulled back from her, hoping the distance would clear my head and enable me to think. “He’s probably busy with—what do they call them? I don’t know. Interviews? Auditions?”

She drew closer and grabbed me by the shoulders. “How can he be too busy to make a phone call?”

What can you say to that, Tom?
He sure as hell is finding time to ward off the loneliness you're dealing with. There was no way Jim was spending his nights sleeping alone.

She dug her fingers into my arms and attempted to shake me before she pulled away. “He’s not coming back for me, is he?”

I still believed he was coming back for her. I didn't feel any particular need to try to cover for him, but the sight of hope draining from her wasn't working for me. “Of course he is,” I tried to reassure her.

She shook her head. “You know he isn’t!”

“He is coming back.”

“Then why haven't I heard from him?”

Good question. “I know he plans to return for you.”

“But?”

“But even if he doesn’t return, there’s no problem.”

“If he doesn't return, I'm screwed!”

“No you're not.” I stood up slowly, lifting her to her feet as I did. “You don’t have to worry,” I told her softly, caressing her cheek with the back of my hand. “Not about anything. I’ll always be here for you, Tanya.”

I saw her eyes widen, and heard her catch her breath. She shook her head and backed away from me.

Great. I’d given myself away. Now she'd be afraid of me.

“Your dinner is in the oven...I'm going...I don't think a drive tonight would be...I'm not in the mood to do anything but just stay in my room and read.”

Determined not to give her a chance to humiliate me, I avoided her as much as possible after betraying my feelings. I got up too late to have breakfast with her, worked as much overtime as I could, and instead of going home for dinner, I spent my nights hanging out at strip clubs with Ryan.

I got aroused watching the dancers and even had a few lap dances, but still arrived home wanting Tanya. I was too old to waste my time longing for a woman who belonged to Jim so I started dating Karen, the bookkeeper at work. It was all a ploy to keep my mind off Tanya, and for a while it seemed to work—especially when Karen invited me to spend the night on our third date.

The relief from that night of meaningless sex was short-lived. When I went home the next morning, Tanya pounced on me demanding to know where'd I been all night and why I hadn't called. I didn’t like that she made me feel like a cheating hubby caught with his pants down.

“I'm an adult, Tanya. I don't need your permission to spend the night with my woman.”

“Your woman? You have a woman? Jim said that you...he said you weren't seeing anyone.”

“You're old enough to know better than to believe everything he tells you,” I said and walked away.

She followed me to my bedroom. “Why didn't you at least call? I thought something had happened to you.”

It would be a cold day in hell when she worried about anyone but Jim. I went into my bedroom and closed the door in her face.
Chew on that, Tanya.

Needless to say things between us was a little on the chilly side after that. But I took it in stride. We still hadn't heard from Jim, but I knew he'd return for her sooner or later. So there was no point in minding that she was pissed at me. Soon she'd be out of my life and I could concentrate on forgetting her.

She and I were just getting back to being able to hold a civil conversation when she woke one night with premature labor pains. I rushed her to the hospital. Listening to her soft sobs, I prayed that she and the baby would be all right. As I paced in the waiting room, I was afraid I was about to lose the only woman I'd ever really loved. I wanted the baby to survive too, but if only one of them made it, it had to be her. There could be other babies but never another Tanya.

I can't begin to describe the relief I felt when Jim Jr. (J.J. for short) was born eight hours later, four weeks ahead of schedule.

“Oh, Tom, isn’t he beautiful?”

As I stood by her bed, watching her cradle my small nephew, I knew I was looking at the two most important people in my life. “How could he be anything but beautiful with you for a mother?”

She looked up at me with her warm, beautiful eyes filled with love and wonder. Then she clutched my hand in hers and pressed it against her lips. “Thank you, Tom.”

I glanced at the bouquet of flowers I’d ordered that sat on her bedside table. “Oh, you mean for the flowers?”

“Yes. For all of them.” She smiled.

“All of them? It’s only a small bouquet.”

She squeezed my hand. “I mean for all the roses you’ve sent me over the past weeks.” She smiled at my surprise. “You didn’t really think I thought they were from Jim, did you?”