Falling for Finn (13 page)

“I’ve got an early start tomorrow morning.”

She stared at him, green eyes seeing into him. Right through him. “That’s not it, Finn.”

“Yeah, it is.”

“Oh, come on. You never leave without me at least making you coffee.”

“I don’t want any coffee.” He began pushing himself off the couch.

Anna reached for him, her fingers closing around his wrist. “Don’t be such a grouch. Come on, what did I do?”

Abruptly, he was almost shaking with rage. How could she not know? How could she not feel what she did to him? Or was that another thing she wanted to pretend didn’t exist? Too bad. He was sick of it.

Finn twisted his wrist so his fingers ended up circling hers instead. “You really want to know?” He shoved her hand, palm down, to his groin and pressed it there. “That’s what you did, Anna. Go on, feel what you do to me.”

For one, long, aching second, the heat of her hand pressed against his cock and the shocked look in her wide, green eyes was all he could see.

Then Anna jerked her hand away and out of his grip. “Jesus, Finn,” she said thickly.

“What?” he demanded. “Can’t bear the thought of me being hard for you? Is it really so disgusting?”

She turned her head away, hair veiling her face. “It’s not disgusting. It’s just… You told me we were good.”

Furious that she wouldn’t even look at him, Finn leaned over and grabbed her chin in his fingers, pulling her head round. “Answer the fucking question, Anna. Is me wanting you really so very bad?”

Her pupils dilated, shock plain in her eyes. Then an answering anger sparked. She jerked her chin out of his grip. “Shit, stop manhandling me all the time! I thought you were better than that.”

Fury curdled inside him, turning into something colder and much more painful.

Yeah, everyone always expected better from him, and everyone was always disappointed no matter what he did. Everyone except Anna. The one person who took him as he was. The one person who accepted him. And he’d never thought he’d ever hear those words from her.

He turned away, suddenly desperate to leave. Get out of here. Try and find his way out of the mess his head was in at the moment. Because the way he felt now, if he stayed here any longer, he’d fuck things up between them even worse than he already had.

Pushing himself to his feet, he reached for his keys.

“Finn.”

“It’s okay, Anna. You can relax. I’m leaving.”

“No. God, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say that.”

“But you did.”

“You know I didn’t mean it.”

Finn glanced down at her. “Didn’t you? Then why did you say it?”

Her hands twisted in her lap. “When you grabbed me, you s-scared me. I overreacted.”

Fuck. Of course. Couldn’t he do anything right? “Then that was my fault.” He didn’t bother apologizing. There were only so many times you could do it without sounding like an asshole. “I’d better go.”

She stared at him, and it didn’t escape his notice that she didn’t protest this time. “You shouldn’t be driving. Let me call you a taxi.”

“Yeah, fine, whatever.”

He paced the lounge while Anna called the taxi company, feeling like total shit. Like he’d ruined the evening. Destroyed something fragile and precious.

“They’re five minutes away.” Anna stood on the other side of the coffee table, her arms folded stiffly across her chest, her gaze flickering to his, then away again as if she couldn’t bear to even look at him.

A tense silence gathered, trapping them like a web.

“Finn,” Anna said abruptly, her voice taut. “Please understand. I can’t lose you. I can’t lose what we have. I…” She stopped, anguished green eyes meeting his. “I don’t want it to change. Okay? I can’t handle it right now. I just can’t.” She took an audible breath. “I need a friend to help me get through this. A friend, not a lover.”

He stopped pacing. “And that’s all you want from me?”

“It’s not a question of want, Finn. It’s a question of need. And I need you. I need your strength and support. There’s no one else I trust like I trust you. But sex changes things. It’s a complication.”

“Yeah, and not forgetting the fact that you were the one who complicated it.” A low blow but he was too angry to care. It was the truth after all. She was the one who’d asked for his help. Who’d asked him to sleep with her. And now it felt like he was being punished for doing what she’d wanted him to do.

Hurt bloomed in her expression. “Jesus, you think I don’t know that? That’s why I wanted us to forget it. Because it should never have happened in the first place.”

“Stop saying that. Stop dismissing it like it meant nothing.”

Her expression tightened. “And you stop making it into something it wasn’t. It was just sex, Finn. That’s it. That’s all it was.”

All that heat. All that passion. All that intense, incredible feeling flooding through him as he held her in his arms. Reduced to just sex. Dismissed as if it didn’t matter.

The volcano building inside him exploded. “No, it fucking wasn’t!” He took an involuntary step toward her, his hands in fists at his sides, almost shaking with rage. “It might have meant nothing to you, but it was the most incredible experience of my life, and I won’t let you turn it into shit!”

“Don’t shout at me!” She’d gone white. “I’m not turning it into shit. And it did mean something to me. It just wasn’t—”

“Wasn’t what?” The edge of the coffee table bumped his legs hard, forcing him to stop his unconscious movement toward her. “Wasn’t intense? Passionate? Fucking incredible? You didn’t beg me not to stop? You didn’t scream in my arms?”

Anna hugged herself in a movement that looked defensive. “Why do you keep pushing this? Why the hell is this so damn important to you?”

And abruptly everything became clear. His anger. His hurt. The sense of betrayal he felt.

It was all so crystal, fucking clear and he couldn’t deny it any longer.

His hands uncurled. He straightened. “Why is it important to me? Because I’m in love with you, Anna.”

“What?” If she’d been white before, she was now the color of ashes.

“You heard me.” And now he was shaking. Shaking and he couldn’t stop. “I love you. I’ve loved you for years and years. That’s why I can’t pretend it never happened.”

A dead silence fell like a thick, black curtain.

Anna opened her mouth but nothing came out.

A horn from the taxi outside sounded.

His ride.

“Say something.” His voice sounded cracked. “For fuck’s sake, Anna.”

She blinked, and he thought he caught a glitter of tears in her eyes. “How could you do this to me?”

Then before he could respond, she turned and left the room.

Chapter Nine

Anna’s phone beeped. She decided to ignore it.

“Oh, don’t mind me,” Lily said, waving a hand. “Go. Answer it.”

“It’s okay. You’re more important than a couple of texts.”

Lily gave her a look. “I think that’s the tenth text you’ve received in the space of five minutes. Whoever it is, they really want you to reply.”

She did know who it was. Finn. And she didn’t want to reply. “It’s fine, Lil. Another coffee?”

Her friend pulled a face. “Aw, hon, I’d love to, but I’ve gotta be in court this afternoon. Shall we meet up for drinks one night next week or something?”

“Sure. I’ll text you.”

“Do.” Lily collected her stuff and stood. “You’ve told Finn, haven’t you?”

Anna had spent the past hour explaining to Lily the reason why she’d been a crap friend for the past six months. It hadn’t been easy. Lily had been suitably horrified about the attack, and then very sympathetic. She hadn’t blamed Anna for not contacting her though. She’d seemed to understand.

Unlike Finn.

Her jaw tightened. “Yes, I told him.”

“Good,” Lily said, seemingly oblivious to Anna’s sudden tension. “Well, bring him along to drinks too. I haven’t seen him in forever.”

No. She wasn’t going to bring him. She wasn’t going to bring him anywhere.

I love you, Anna.

Bastard. He couldn’t love her. Love wasn’t allowed. Love wasn’t anywhere in the rules.

Her phone beeped again as Lily left, vibrating angrily on the café table. Unable to help herself, she glanced down at it.

Avoiding me, Anna? You do that so well.

She took a shaky breath. Why did he have to do this? Why did he have to make a situation that was complicated enough even worse?

Anna leaned forward on her elbows, the heels of her palms pressed against her eyelids. She could still see him, facing her over the coffee table in her apartment the night before. His arms at his sides, hands in fists. Tension singing in every line of his powerful body. And the look on his face…raw desperation. Fury. And pain.

The same kind of expression she’d seen on her parents’ faces as they’d ripped the shit out of each other, as they'd torn each other to shreds. As they'd systematically destroyed the relationship they’d had with one another, and their marriage along with it.
   

No. She didn’t want that. Not for him and not for her. Love was loud, raised voices. Love was cruel words flung in anger. Love was broken-hearted weeping and emotional torment. And she wanted nothing to do with it.

What she wanted was her friend back again. Her normal, quiet life. Things back the way they were before the attack had ruined everything.

And now they never would be.

How could he do this to her? How could he change the rules on her like that? Bastard.

Her phone beeped again.

Don’t be a coward. I thought you had more guts than that.

Anna let out an angry breath. She wasn’t being a coward. She was just…

Being a coward.

She cursed. Prick. Why did he keep pushing her like this?

Another beep from the phone.

I want to talk to you. Come to the office when you’ve stopped sulking.

She nearly picked it up and threw the wretched thing on the floor. But taking out her anger on her phone was stupid and childish.

So was ignoring Finn.

Yeah, she knew that. If she was going to have any hope of getting their friendship back on track, she had to deal with this. So why did the thought of facing him, of hearing those words again frighten her quite so much?

Anna picked up her phone, stared down at Finn’s text. She’d always thought their friendship so strong. Unbreakable. Like a mountain it endured, remained unchanging and constant throughout the years.

But now it felt like discovering that mountain was made of glass. A fragile thing that could shatter at the slightest breath.

And that scared her. Because what would she do if it broke?

You managed without him for six months, didn’t you?

Somehow the thought galvanized her. She would face this. She would sort this out once and for all. So he loved her. That didn’t mean things had to change between them. And if it did, well, she would handle it. Somehow.

Putting her phone back in her bag, she got to her feet and left the café.

The
Wild Life
studio wasn’t far, and within ten minutes she was walking in the door.

Roz, the receptionist, looked up as she came in and gave her a huge grin. “Hey, Anna! Long time, no see.”

Anna grinned back. She knew all the
Wild Life
people, having been in and out of the offices ever since Finn had first landed the job. “Hi, Roz, yeah, it’s been a while, huh?”

“It has. Finn’s got a couple of people in his office but you can go in. I think the serious part of the meeting is over.” She rolled her eyes. “You know when they start comparing skating injuries there’s no going back.”

Anna laughed. “So true.”

But she found it difficult to keep smiling as she made her way down the corridor, saying hi to people and being friendly as she went. Hard when tension and nervousness gathered in the pit of her stomach, making her oddly sick.

Outside the door to his office, she had to stop and take a few calming breaths, trying to get her racing heartbeat back under control. She could hear him speaking, his deep voice a soft rumble in among the lighter, unfamiliar voices of other people.

I love you, Anna.

She bit her lip. Hard. Then put a hand on the door handle and pushed it open.

He was the first person she saw, sprawling like a lazy cat on the low, leather couch he preferred over his desk. A laptop sat open beside him, a video clip of a snowboarder playing on it. Some other guys were watching it and exclaiming as the boarder executed a back flip.

Finn looked up.

And her heart tightened in her chest.

He wore his usual uniform of jeans and a T-shirt, a white T-shirt this time, the color emphasizing the golden honey color of his tanned skin and the darkness of his eyes.