Faith, Honor & Freedom (19 page)

“Shit,” I mutter, knowing she’s right. “Maybe I’ll just go sit with her for a bit—see if I can help find her a good adoptive family.” I know it’s a dangerous game to play, and I’m going to get burned in the end, but right now, I need to stop being selfish. I can make a difference, at least right now.

“I think that’s the least you can do. Any less and you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.”

“I know,” I respond, gathering up the courage to go down to the NICU.

I call down first and have the nurse page the social worker to meet me there. Violet gives me a pep talk, and before I’m ready, I’m scrubbing my hands and arms in the entrance to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. I walk over to baby girl’s bed, wishing Jade had named her before she left.

The nurse and the social worker are already waiting there. The social worker doesn’t look all that inviting, and I feel like I’ve made a mistake. If she wasn’t staring right at me, I’d likely turn and run. She’s wearing a burgundy pant suit that clashes terribly with her flaming red hair, which is pulled back into a tight pony tail. Her black clogs look like something my late grandfather might have worn.

You can do this Lana; you just want to be able to offer some support right now.

“Lana, I presume,” she says, extending her hand toward me.

“Lana Carter,” I answer, giving her a firm handshake.

“Diana Block. I’ve been told that you were a friend of Jade’s and would like to continue visitation while the child is in the hospital.”

“I was Jade’s doula, but probably the closest thing she had to a friend,” I say, thinking back to her letter.

“Do you know where she is?” she asks.

“I don’t. I’m working on it, though. I’ve been in contact with local churches, and I plan to keep looking for her.” I don’t tell her about Hoss, because I don’t want to get him into trouble. He’s probably not permitted to do a search without a police report being filed first.

“Please let us know if you get a hold of her, and ask her to get in contact with us. If she wants to give her baby up for adoption, that’s fine, but it would make things a whole lot easier if she would come back and sign power of attorney over to the state.”

“Of course.”

“If you’d like to continue to visit the child, I need you to fill out this form, giving us permission to run a criminal background check, as well as get in touch with your references.”

“Sure,” I answer a little shakily, accepting the form from her. She stands there unobtrusively while I fill in the boxes. I list Sadie and Violet as references, figuring they know me best of all. I hand her the form once it’s completed.

“I can stay for a minute if you’d like to visit,” she offers.

“That would be great,” I reply, looking over to the baby.

I walk over to the incubator, open the door and lay my hand on her chest lightly, feeling her heart beat. It’s the most exhilarating feeling in the world. How someone so small can fight so hard to be here, always blows my mind.

“Would you like to hold her?” I hear the nurse ask behind me.

“Ahh,” I stumble, turning around to look at her.

“That’s acceptable,” Diana says, taking a seat in one of the chairs.

“Okay,” I reply tensely, which is absurd, considering I’ve held hundreds of babies in my lifetime.

“How about you take a seat in the rocking chair, and I’ll bring her over to you.”

I nod and take a seat, rubbing my sweaty palms on my pant legs. I watch as she opens the whole side of the incubator and scoops the baby up, carrying her over to me and placing her into my arms. I’ve never held a baby so small and light, and I can’t help but realize just how fragile she is. The nurse grabs some warm blankets, and I help her wrap them around the baby.

The baby stirs and cracks an eyelid open with interest. A smile escapes my lips as I find myself talking to her, hoping she will open her other eye so I can see what she looks like.

“Good morning, sweet girl. Did you have a good sleep?” I coo.

She opens both eyes briefly, and I notice they’re a beautiful shade of dark blue, like most babies are. I wonder if they will change to be the same green as Jade’s.

I brush my thumb along her cheek, and she opens her eyes fully, staring back at me as if she’s trying to identify me.

“I’m not your mom little one, but I do know she loves you fiercely. She wanted to give you the best life she could.” She stares back at me, and I feel a tear travel down my cheek. I’m unable to wipe it away, so I blow breath upward, hoping to dry it before Diana notices.

I say a little prayer that the baby goes to a good home and look over at the social worker, who’s starting to get impatient.

“Does she have a name?” I ask Diana, uncertain if that’s something they do, or if it’s up to future foster families.

“Not yet, although we do try and give them one to make it easier on the nurses. Did Jade tell you what she wanted to name her?” she asks.

“No, she didn’t.”

“Did you have any suggestions?” she asks. “I usually just grab a name book, and pick one. Regrettably, I don’t have time to be sentimental,” she says. I can tell she’s getting antsy to leave.

“I don’t, but I’m sure I can come up with something if you don’t mind?” I ask. This baby deserves a good, strong name and not an eeny-meeny-miny-mo from an out-dated name book.

“Be my guest,” she says, standing. I give the sweet baby girl a kiss on the forehead and signal the nurse to put her back in the incubator.

“Thank you,” I say to the nurse. She smiles at me in return.

“I’ll try and get this processed today,” Diana says, waving my form. “I’ll give you a call, letting you know the results, and I’ll inform the nursing staff here as well. Again, please let us know if you make contact with the child’s mother.”

“Of course,” I promise.

I throw myself down on the bed after arriving back at Hoss’s house. I took Violet and Gavin home and helped them settle in before picking up lunch for all of us. We ate mostly in silence, my mood dark, and likely standoffish.

I can’t help but feel like nothing is going my way lately. I’m actually looking forward to getting dressed up tonight and meeting Alec. At least with him, things are normal. Well, outside of the bedroom anyway. It’s just dinner, though, and I’ve promised myself I won’t take it any further. Not until my heart heals, and I’m able to give him all of me.

I’m now a woman who sleeps with an almost total stranger—a woman who ruins a lifelong friendship by having sex with her best friend. Hell, I’m even failing as a doula lately, aren’t I? I promise myself to start thinking before I act, and listen to my head instead of my vagina. Apparently she can’t be trusted to make a good decision.

I grab my phone and answer a text from Angela. I’ve really been slacking as a gym buddy lately, so I promise to meet her there tomorrow. As much as everything sucks right now, I need to start getting back into my old routine. Sooner than later I’m going to have another doula client, Jade’s baby will be released to social services, Alec will be going out of town, and all will be back to normal. Aside from Hoss, that is. He seems pretty adamant about staying away from me. Can’t win ‘em all.

I roll over into the pillow, and even though I changed the pillowcases, I can tell it’s the one he sleeps on. I push my nose deeper inside and inhale. Fuck, he smells incredible. I feel my body react to his smell alone, and before I can stop myself, my hand is drifting south. I remove my jeans and panties, tossing them on the floor beside the bed. I left my vibrator at my house, so I guess we’re going old school.

I push my face into the pillow again, breathing him in, before closing my eyes and pretending it’s Weston’s hands expertly working my core. My fingers circle and swirl against my wet clit. My mind drifts back to our night here in this very bed—his hot, naked body pressed firmly against mine. My breathing goes ragged as I feel my body tense and prepare for the inevitable. I move my hand, harder, faster, and soon I’m screaming his name as I come, my body pulsing, my breathing labored, and my heart hurting. I’ll never have that again.

“Fuck,” I hear muttered. My body tenses, and I scream out in horror as my eyes flash open.

Hoss is standing against his doorframe, fully dressed in police gear, which is rare for him. His eyes are hidden behind a pair of aviators, but there’s no hiding his hard on—it’s the size of Texas. It takes me at least thirty seconds to realize that I’m half nude, and have just been caught … “Oh my God,” I say in horror as I realize, not only have I been caught jillin’ off in his bed, I fucking screamed his name. I grab the blanket and move to pull it up over myself when he finally speaks again.

“You screamed my name,” he says with a smirk.

“It was your bed, asshole; it seemed rude not to,” I say bitterly, trying to hide my embarrassment at being caught.

“You’re making this a lot harder than it has to be,” he says, moving toward me. My hand is still gripping the blanket firmly, but I still haven’t managed to pull it up … yet.

“What are you doing here?” I ask when he’s just inches away.

“I was coming to get my extra set of cuffs, and now I’m wondering if they could be put to better use,” he says in a voice that just screams sex.

I swallow the lump in my throat as he opens the drawer in his nightstand, pulling out a set of shiny silver cuffs. He takes off his sunglasses, placing them inside the drawer. I bite down on my lower lip, trying to dig up the courage to tell him to leave. I know he’ll leave as soon as it’s over, and I’ll be back to being heartbroken. My eyes travel over the length of his uniformed body, and I decide to say
fuck it.
I place my hands on the bottom of my shirt and lift it over my head. I shimmy over some and place both of my hands around the bars on his headboard. He swallows loudly and then climbs onto his bed, handcuffing my left hand to the bed. He pulls his regular set of cuffs from his back pocket, and drags the cold metal against my bare abdomen. I shiver, and my body clenches in the most delicious places.

“Please,” I breathe out.

“Please what, Lana?”

He places my right hand in the cuff, and I’m not completely at his mercy. He kisses beside my lips, and my breathing becomes shallow as I wait for his lips to make contact with mine. My hands ache to grab the back of his neck and guide them to mine. He hovers his lips above mine, and I wait anxiously. He pulls back, without making contact, and smirks. Asshole! I start to writhe against the cuffs. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all.

“I wouldn’t do that, Sunshine,” he says huskily.

He moves to the crook of my neck, alternating between sucking and licking the sensitive skin. He moves back up to my ear, blowing hot breath, and biting down on my earlobe. So hot! I push myself up against him, begging him with my body to give me the release I know he’s so capable of delivering.

“I love your ears,” he whispers into my ear. “And your neck,” he says, placing a soft kiss against my neck. He trails down and lingers over my red, silky bra. “And your tits. I fucking love these tits.” He uses his teeth to pull the bra cup down and free my nipple. He latches on, gently biting down. I look down at him, wishing I could touch his hair, the side of his cheek, the warm skin on his neck.

“I love your stomach,” he says, swirling his tongue around the edge of my belly button. “And …” he trails off, licking his way toward my mound, already primed from my fantasies earlier. “I love your pussy … fucking perfect,” he says, his tongue circling my clit.

He dips a finger inside of me as his tongue continues to swirl expertly. I wrap my legs around him, desperate to touch him in any way possible. My body begins to tense, as I feel my release start to build. He pulls my clit into his mouth, sucking forcefully, and I’m sent spiralling over the edge.

“Say it, baby,” Weston says, pulling back. I moan his name, and he growls his approval. He sits up on the bed, and begins removing all of his police gear below the waist. I realize he was even still wearing his gun while he went down on me, and that thrills me even more. He places both handcuff keys on the bed and frees himself from his black boxer briefs. In the light of day, I can truly appreciate the beauty he was blessed with. I lick my lips—wanting a taste.

“You want this, baby?” he asks, stroking himself. Fuck me, but I have never seen anything sexier in my life. I watch as his hand moves along the length of his cock.

I nod my head.

With my hands still cuffed to the bedpost, he climbs over top of me, hovering there. My hands itch to grab him, stroke him, taste him, but the more I move, the more they bite into my wrists.

He grabs his cock and guides it into my mouth, slowly. I take it in, inch by inch, until he hits the back of my throat, and I can’t take anymore. Tears sting my eyes. He pulls back out slowly, and I swirl my tongue around him. A low guttural sound escapes the back of his throat. I suck on the tip, before opening my mouth wide in invitation. He doesn’t hesitate, not for a second. He begins sliding in and out of my mouth, slowly at first, but begins to pick up speed. I feel him start to throb and know he will be finished soon.

He grabs a key from the bed, unhooks my right hand, and slides out of my mouth—his cock throbbing against my lips. “Love your mouth,” he breathes, moving down the bed and finally meshing his lips with my own. I grab the back of his neck and push him down harder, his lips bruising mine with each swipe of his tongue. The kisses become frantic, and I feel the head of him throbbing against my pussy.

I reach down and guide him inside of me. “Fuck, yes!” I cry out.

He begins to move, hard and fast, and without even noticing he did it, my left hand is freed from the handcuffs. I run my hands underneath the sexy blue shirt he’s still wearing, feeling the warmth of his skin underneath. He grabs a hold of my ass, and we roll so that his back is to the bed, and I’m riding him cowboy style. I can do this. I place my hands on the bed behind me, sticking my chest out as I rock on top of him.

His eyes drink me in, and he licks his thumb, pressing it against my clit. It sends me over the edge as I try and keep moving through an intense, mind-blowing orgasm. My body is shaking, my legs are jelly, and I start to slow down. Weston grabs a hold of my hips. “Again, baby,” he orders, hammering into me from below. I close my eyes and throw my head back, letting the sensations wash through me. I feel it start to build, so I push my hands against his chest, using it as leverage to rock myself up and down against his hard cock.