Faith, Honor & Freedom (27 page)

“I love Button, you know I do, but there’s a lot more to keeping her than just the money,” I say as calmly as I can.

“But you have a boyfriend! You said it was because you didn’t have money, or a husband that you couldn’t keep her,” she says, getting upset. I honestly can’t blame her. I hate myself right now for this, too. I look over to Weston, who’s sitting with a stern look on his face.

“Jade, we just started dating.” I refuse to mention the fact that I’ve known him my whole life, because I feel like it will just add fuel to her fire. She buries her face into her hands, but still doesn’t cry. She lets out a frustrated growl.

“I’m sorry. I get that I’m pushing a baby I don’t want at you, when you clearly don’t want her either. I feel horrible doing it; I just don’t want her to end up in the system. I don’t want her to end up with parents like mine,” she says desolately.

“She won’t,” Weston says, and my head shoots over in his direction. “You stay here Jade, where Lana knows you’re safe, and I promise you that baby will go to a good home.”

My heart breaks and swells all in the same moment. The thought of Button going anywhere aside from my own arms kills me, but at the same time, I know Weston will make sure she has a loving family.

She looks over at him, still untrusting.

“I’m a man of my word,” he says, pulling out his badge. “I swear on it.” Jade lets out a breath, and I watch as relief floods her face. “Just make sure you hold up your end of the bargain, all right?” he asks.

“I will,” she promises, finally making eye contact with him.

He stands and walks over to me. “I have to go into work, babe, but I’ll be back later, okay?” he whispers into my ear.

“Okay,” I say quietly. He gives me a chaste kiss on the lips before turning to leave.

When the door closes behind him, I look over to Jade. She looks sad, but relieved at the same time. If Weston is helping the baby, then I should be using this time to help Jade.

“Where have you been?”

“Just travelling around,” she mumbles.

“Alone?”

“Yeah, I’ve been looking for a job, but it’s not easy when you don’t have much schooling,” she says, disheartened.

“You should be in school, Jade. You shouldn’t have to worry about finding a job, or where you’re going to sleep at night. That’s not what a sixteen year old girl should be concerned about, love.”

“Fourteen,” she says, correcting me. Fourteen? That means she was probably thirteen when she got pregnant. I start to feel faint, so I walk over to bathroom and splash some cool water on my face.

“Are you okay?” Jade asks when I re-emerge.

“Yeah, sorry. I’m fine.”

“Fourteen, though, Jade … you’re so young. Please, please let me find some help for you. I want you to go back to school. I want you to have a good life,” I plead.

“I was behind in school when I was there. I’m too stupid to go back even if I wanted to.”

“Don’t talk about yourself that way. You’re a beautiful, intelligent girl. You made an incredibly tough choice to stay pregnant and then again to give her up so she could have a better life. Don’t you forget that.”

“Sometimes I just wish I wasn’t here, and then none of this would have ever happened. I wouldn’t have a baby that nobody wants,” she says gloomily.

My heart breaks for her, and I don’t have the words she wants to hear. As much as I want to take Button, I just can’t do it on my own right now—especially not with a serial killer after me, and while I still haven’t dealt with all of these emotions from not being able to bear my own children. It’s not fair to the baby.

“Don’t you ever wish that, Jade. I am so glad you’re here, and that I had the honor of knowing you and Button. She’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever held, and she’s every bit as beautiful as her mother. If everything happened six months down the road, then I would have probably taken her. Right now, I have … some things going on.”

“I know … I saw the news,” she says.

“Where?” I ask, shocked.

“In a soup kitchen one day. I couldn’t believe it was you on TV. You didn’t say anything about the baby, so I called the social worker.”

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t think you knew. I didn’t want to scare you.”

“I know, but you don’t need to protect me. Why else would you be staying in a hotel room with a police officer guarding the door?” Shit, I hadn’t even thought of that.

“I know,” I reply. She may only be fourteen, but she’s gone through more than most people do in their lifetime.

“Can you see another reason now why I can’t take Button?”

“I asked the social worker if a foster family could hold her until a real family was ready to take her, and she said it’s possible. I still technically have power of attorney, since she hasn’t left the hospital.”

“I’ll think about it, okay? But I don’t want you to get your hopes up. Weston is out looking for a family now,” I say, feeling my heart deflate a little. “She’s going to be okay no matter what. It’s just you that we need to worry about.”

Jade nods her head, and I breathe a sigh of relief. Please dear God, let me find a way to help her.

It’s getting late, and I’m hoping Weston will be back soon. We still have a lot we need to talk about. I left Jade in her room with a full belly, and made sure Officer Stepp knew to get me if Jade tried to leave her room. She may act like she’s going to stay, but I really don’t feel like I can trust her yet. She needs help, a stable home, loving parents, and I only hope that I’m able to find someone who can provide all of that for her.

I tidy up the hotel room while I wait for Weston to return, but the longer I’m in the room alone, the more I start to think about Button. She’s going to be shuffled from foster home to foster home, until she’s adopted.

If
she’s adopted. Maybe he will find her a good home … but even if he does, what will the family be like? Will they always put her needs first? Will they love her like their own? Will they still let me see her?

How are they going to know that she likes to be rocked to sleep, or that she likes to hold onto a finger while she takes her bottle? The more I think about her with another family, the more I feel the jealousy take hold of me. I don’t want another family raising Button. I want Button—I guess deep down I’ve always wanted her. Now it’s just so much more complicated because of Weston, and the fact that I’m unable to bear my own children. Has that clouded my judgement?

I can want her all I want, but I’ll never get custody if I’m unable to prove that I can provide a stable home for her and take care of her. Right now, that’s just not possible. I’m living in a hotel room with a dangerous serial killer who may someday decide to come after me. Even if he was caught right now, and I was able to solve all of the other issues, would she still be available for adoption in a few months?

I’ve lived a privileged life. I’ve never had to know too much about the foster care system. I only know what I’ve learned from Katie. The thought of never seeing Button again is too much, though. I need to at least try. Not just for her sake, but for my own. I have enough love to give, the rest I’ll make happen.

I text Weston to let him know that we need to talk, and then set the phone on my bathroom counter. I strip down and climb into the shower, letting the hot water and steam warm my skin. I feel the tears start to fall, and I let them. I let myself feel upset at the thought of losing Button. I let myself want her and know that there is a small possibility she could be mine.

I feel a stab of guilt. Do I just want her now that I’m unable to have children? If this whole thing with my uterus didn’t exist, would I still want to adopt Jade’s baby? As much as I try and figure it out, I can’t. Have I always loved her? Yes, of course. I love every baby, and Button is no exception. She’s beautiful, warm, and sweet. I have just never allowed myself to truly consider taking her. I want her, I do, and regardless of the circumstances, that has to be enough. It’s all I have to give.

I rinse my hair and reach for the soap. I hear some muffled noises and feel my stomach drop. Weston is back, and it’s time that I tell him what I want. There’s a good chance that he’ll leave when he finds out. He doesn’t want to raise someone else’s baby, or he would have said so himself when Jade brought it up earlier. Instead, at the mention of me raising her, he quickly offered to find someone else to do it.

Nervously, I turn off the shower, and grab my towel. I dry myself off before getting dressed in a cute satin nightie. Sure, it might be desperate, but I imagine he’ll have a harder time saying no to me while I’m wearing this.

I fix my hair quickly before I hear the noises getting louder. It sounds like a crash, and what might even be a scream. I unlock the bathroom door and rush out.

“Weston?” I shout nervously. I look around the room, but there’s nobody here. I grab the robe from the bathroom and slip it on as I run toward the front door. I throw it open and look around. There’s nobody in sight, not even Officer Stepp. He either went to investigate the noise, or he took a lunch break. I can’t hear the noise anymore, so I turn back toward my room, and start to close the door behind me.

I can’t help the eerie sensation I feel, so I step back outside my room and walk up to Jade’s door, the room beside mine. I push it open and rush inside, tripping over something. I look down in horror at Officer Stepp. He isn’t moving, and his head is dripping blood from a contusion above his eyebrow. There’s a small trickle of blood escaping the corner of his lip. Holy shit, he’s dead. My two fingers reach out on their own accord to his jugular, praying for a heartbeat. I can make out a shallow
thump, thump
. I need to call 9-1-1.

I look up to search for the phone in Jade’s room, but instead, I’m met with a horrifying sight.

Alec.

I feel the scar on my abdomen start to pound in response. He’s standing in the corner of the room, a hand over Jade’s mouth and a knife at her throat. Jade looks completely horrified, her eyes red and cheeks tear-stained. Alec looks completely, out of his mind crazy.

“No,” I shriek, scrambling to my feet and moving toward them.

“An inch closer, and I won’t just filet her stomach like I did yours. I’ll slice her open ear to ear, and make sure the job’s done properly,” he hisses.

I stop in my tracks, horrified. “Please, no,” I say weakly.

“Oh shut up, you stupid little bitch. I should have killed you that first night. It really is too bad your friend interrupted us,” he says, taking a step toward me. He digs the long blade into Jade’s neck a little deeper.

“She has nothing to do with this, please, let her go. Take me,” I plead. Tell me this isn’t happening right now. I don’t care what happens to me, just please God, make him let Jade go.

“You’re right. I thought it was you in this room that the officer was guarding so closely, but instead I got a nice surprise. Two of you? Oh, the fun we’re going to have. Not here, though. I’m sure it won’t be long before someone calls him on his radio. I want plenty of time to finish the job properly this time,” he snarls.

I have no words for the absolute terror I feel. The look on Jade’s face as the knife presses into her throat is worse than having it done to myself. I feel absolutely helpless, and my need to protect her is strong. I watch as he pushes the knife in a little harder, and a few drops of blood trickle down her neck.

I’m a doula; I deal with massive quantities of blood. It doesn’t gross me out or make me feel faint. However, watching a fourteen year old girl I truly care for being cut maliciously churns my stomach. So much so, that I bend over and start to vomit uncontrollably.

“For fuck’s sake, stop that!” Alec cries angrily.

I try and force myself to stop so I can look at Jade and make sure she’s all right, but my body refuses to obey. I hear someone fall to the ground, and the hairs on my neck stand to attention. I don’t want to look. Not at all. I have a horrible fear that he’s done more than spill a few drops of her blood.

I feel a sharp surge of pain to the side of my head, and look up in time to see Alec whack me with the handle of the knife. My head starts spinning. The poor girl has been through enough; this is too much for her. Even if she does manage to survive, how will she ever get over this?

Chapter 19

Hoss

I look down at the message Lana sent me. “We need to talk.” I can only imagine where her mind has gone since I left. I know that Jade and the baby have really done a number on her lately, and I can’t even imagine the pressure she’s under.
Shit.

I promised her I would help find a family for that baby, but I could see it in her eyes that she didn’t want me to. She wants that baby, whether she’s admitted it to herself yet or not. Am I ready to raise a family with her now, though? That’s the bigger question. I know without a doubt I want Lana in my life, but children, so soon? I know I’ve known her my whole life, but we haven’t had much time together as a couple.

I want to castrate Alec for taking away her ability to have children. I swear if I weren’t a cop, I’d kill him myself. I’m still hoping he gives me the opportunity to do it legally. I don’t want Lana to have to deal with all of that bullshit in court. I want to be the one to have my children grow inside of her, watch them grow up, and watch her love every fucking second of it like I know she would. He stole that, and if it’s the last thing I do, I’m going to make sure he pays.

I type out a reply to Lana, letting her know I’ll be there soon before tucking my phone in my back pocket. I walk out of my office and into the main part of the station.

“Hoss,” I hear called from behind me. I spin around to see Parker standing there with a serious look on his face.

“What?” I ask, waiting impatiently for him to reply.

“He was spotted three towns over this morning on a security tape from a gas station.”

“Shit,” I say, realizing he could very well be in town by now.

“I called Stepp to let him know, but there’s no answer. I sent every available officer who’s on patrol to the scene but …” Parker’s voice trails off as I rush out of the station and jump into my truck. I drive quickly toward the hotel, my heart beating a mile a minute. Why the hell did he wait so long to tell me?