Faith and Fidelity (22 page)

“I want to give the kids a call.”

“Sure. Good idea.” Matt leaned on the door of the refrigerator, searching for breakfast and making a mental list of things they might need. Plus, he really didn't think it was a good idea to look over at Evan right now.

A blanket of silence lay over the room.

“You hungry?

“I'm fine... ”

“You should eat. The prescription bottle says you have to take the pills with food. I'll make eggs.” Matt realized he was talking too fast, his tone growing gruffer with each word. He pulled out a carton of eggs and a loaf of bread, gripping them tightly.

Evan must have realized it too because in a few seconds he was across the room and standing an inch away from Matt.

“Hey,” Evan said softly.

Matt sighed. “Yeah?”

“I'm... sorry... about what happened last night... ” Evan spoke hesitantly. He reached out with a tentative hand and caught the sleeve of Matt's shirt. “I feel like an idiot.”

Without saying anything Matt closed the refrigerator door, maneuvering around Evan, and put the eggs and bread on the counter. He kept his back to Evan for a second to collect his thoughts. When he turned around, the wounded look on Evan's face nearly made him wince.

“Listen— this is just... crazy shit going on. You're still recuperating and we weren't exactly on solid ground before this happened... ”

“I said I was sor— ”

“I don't want to hear your apologies.” Fuck, Matt thought. That didn't come out right at all. “I'm not blaming you for anything... I'm just... trying my best here, just like you are.”

Matt took a deep breath. “I suck at relationships, Evan.”

“Considering I've only been in one other... I'm not sure I know much more than you do,” Evan murmured.

“I didn't mean to push you last night.”

“You didn't... I just... It's weird, being here together, alone... being intimate... ”

“We were together in my apartment and over Thanksgiving. We... we were... intimate... then.”

Evan sighed heavily, leaning against the counter like all the fight had gone out of him. He seemed to be thinking aloud and Matt just happened to be in the room. “It just seemed strange all of a sudden... just us... in this house... ”

“And the possibility of making love with me in the bed you used to share with your wife doesn't appeal to you?” Annoyed, Matt's tone was harsh. “And you couldn't just fucking say that to me? Like I'm some sort of idiot who wouldn't understand why that would be painful for you? I could have stayed downstairs... ”

“Why didn't you?” Evan asked, his voice suddenly just as angry.

Matt stalked out of the kitchen and threw himself down on the couch, staring blankly into space.

Evan followed silently, moving to stand directly in front of him.

“Why?” Matt's eyes— sad and tired— met Evan's. “Maybe I need to you ask me. Maybe I need you to tell me... ”

“You know I love you.”

“Evan, I don't fucking know what that means okay? I've never been here before. Never had someone... never gave a shit... ” He threw his hands up in exasperation. “It sounds good, and I can say it back, but the bottom line is— I don't know. I don't know how much I can fuck this up.”

“I don't know how to do this. I don't know what you want from me.” There he'd said it.

“I never realized we had so much in common.”

Matt glanced up, caught Evan's small wry grin. He couldn't help but laugh a little. “Good Christ, we're fucked up.”

“When you're right you're right, Haight.”

“Come here and sit down before you collapse.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Evan folded himself gently in Matt's arms. They sat in silence, holding each other tightly, hands stroking absently.

The flare was over just as quickly as it had started.

“I am sorry about last night,” Evan said softly. “I just... got a little lost.”

“Just tell me next time, okay? You can say whatever you need to man, more than anything else, we're friends.”

“Friends in a beer commercial sort of way?”

Matt laughed. He moved gently until they were both on their sides and facing one another.

“That's exactly what I was thinking. Wanna go out and rebuild your engine block?”

They laughed, moved their bodies in tiny increments, until the right parts were aligned. Matt watched Evan's eyes darken with arousal— this was better. This didn't feel like guilt. No, this felt like— a hard-on.

Matt made a noise that expressed affection, agreement, and intent. He slid his hands under Evan's T-shirt, stroked the skin not covered by a white bandage, unsure if the incredible heat was coming from his flesh or Evan's. Suddenly all the fears and the pure terror that Matt had lived with the previous week came flooding back and he moaned in need, in anguish.

He just wanted... wanted this release, this communication. He wanted Evan to know how much he loved him. And he desperately needed to feel Evan loved him back.

“Shhh, shhh,” Evan murmured. “God, you feel so good... your hands... ” Evan burrowed his head into the curve between Matt's shoulder and neck. He breathed in the masculine smell of sleep and coffee and sweat. Feeling a slight twinge in his chest, he ignored it, concentrating on the sharp pain/pleasure of grinding himself against Matt's leg, which was sliding between his.

He followed suit and felt the softness of Matt's back, biting gently on the roughly stubbled skin above his shirt collar. The jerk of Matt's entire body, the sound that was pulled out of his throat... Evan bit again and felt Matt go wild.

“God,” Matt muttered, pulling slightly away and up so he could pull Evan more fully onto his back. Evan suddenly remembered

Thanksgiving, lying here on the sofa, Matt's mouth on... he moaned, letting his legs fall open in a blatant invitation.

It didn't take Matt long to get Evan's message. He got to his knees and pulled his shirt off, tossing it to the floor. With a shaky hand he reached down and touched the small patch of Evan's skin, between his shirt and pants.

Evan bucked up.

“You all right?” Matt asked desperately, hoarsely. “Does it hurt?”

Evan laughed darkly. “If we're talking about my chest— no. Everything else though... ” He extended his hand, touching the exact spot on Matt's stomach. “I'm fine. Come here. Touch me,” he said hotly, and for a second he didn't recognize his own voice.

Those big, hot hands Evan craved suddenly came alive, quickly divesting him of his clothes, leaving him panting and shaking, splayed open and practically begging for more. “Please,” he finally broke down and said the word, because Matt didn't seem in a hurry to do anything but tease him senseless with soft kisses and a well-placed caress.

Matt stood up and kicked off his shorts, dropping back down to the sofa in a crouch over Evan's straining body. He leaned forward to take another kiss from Evan's willing mouth, but this time it was rougher, more demanding. His teeth took a tiny bite of lip, soothed the spot with a flick of the tongue, then started over again. A bite, a flick. Teasing. Mindlessly, Evan pulled Matt down, the older man having at least the presence of mind to keep his arms straight, to keep Evan from having to bear the brunt of his weight. Their lower bodies touched, locked into place and suddenly it was an explosion, a frenzy of movement as they bucked against each another. Every tilt and thrust, every slick touch set them off and at the last second of sanity, Matt leaned down and grabbed Evan's mouth with his own. They came within seconds of one another, grunts and breathless sounds of pleasure in stereo.

For a long moment they kissed and breathed in air and waited until the room stopped spinning. Matt reached down for his T-shirt and cleaned them both off, enough to keep the sofa safe from stains.

Practically boneless, his whole body humming with pleasure (and protesting the vigorous exercise a bit), Evan let himself be maneuvered to his side, curling around Matt as they settled down again. There was nothing to say, Evan thought as his eyes grew heavy. Nothing would make this moment better. Words just confused things— when they held each other like this, it made so much more sense.

Evan fell asleep while they lay there, his head against Matt's shoulder. It made Matt remember the few nights so far they'd spent in each other's arms. For someone like Matt, who'd rarely spent the night with any of his previous lovers, it felt strange to want this so much.

He wished they were back at his place, if only for the fact that there would be no question as to where they'd spend the night. No bed with sad memories or ghosts. No wife. Matt sighed. He let himself just enjoy the moment a while longer, without complicating things by thinking too hard. Evan felt good and warm and solid in his arms, the sex they just had was, well fuck, it just kept getting better— and God help his central nervous system when Evan got back to 100 percent— and later he would talk to Liz and she would help him negotiate the minefield that was his brain right now. He closed his eyes and listened to Evan breathe, pretended that when they were both awake and alert, things would be this peaceful.

His telephone call to Liz took all of about ten minutes. He knew that the words were casual and friendly, but he was also sure his tone belied the true reason for his call.

“Come on over,” she said sweetly. “I'll make you lunch, we'll talk.”

“Should I bring my checkbook?”

“Don't be ridiculous. I take VISA.”

He laughed, she laughed. They decided on one.

When he finished the call, he turned to find Evan awake on the sofa, watching him with curious eyes. He'd pulled his clothes on at some point and lay wrapped in the quilt.

“Liz Friedman?”

“Yeah.”

“The one that got away?” He smiled when he said it.

“Hmmm... something like that. Kind of. Nothing ever happened but there was this... thing between us... ”

“She's married now.”

“Yeah— three kids.”

“Should I be jealous?”

“Only if you're a moron.” He stood over Evan, hands on hips, looking serious.

“I should go upstairs and take a shower... Wanna come?”

Evan pretended to be thinking, “So soon? Shouldn't I get a snack or something? Some recovery time?”

Matt groaned. “God, that was just awful. Was it the sex or the pain pills that made you such a goof this morning?”

“You did sort of rattle my brain a bit.”

“Oh fine. Come upstairs you idiot— I'll give you a sponge bath.”

“This is starting to sound like a porn movie.”

“Shut up.”

Matt helped Evan off the couch, led him upstairs.

Evan faltered a tiny bit when they walked through the bedroom but Matt didn't let him stop to torture himself. Or Matt. He pulled him into the bathroom and shut the door.

“Sit down, take your shirt off,” Matt said, and Evan would have thought this was just a medical necessity except Matt started stripping himself, in a few seconds standing naked in the small bathroom. The look he gave Evan as he turned on the shower was frank and hungry, like they hadn't just been humping each other like crazed animals on the couch a mere hour before.

Evan shivered. It seemed too bright in the room, the overhead light illuminating the broad and powerful shape of Matt's body.

Evan's skin started to twitch, like a thousand ants were racing under the surface.

He pulled his shirt off, then stood up to pull down his shorts but Matt beat him to it. He dropped to his knees, nuzzling Evan for a moment through the fabric, nipping and then biting harder at the growing evidence that Matt wasn't the only one with an amazing recovery period.

“God, God... yes... ” Evan murmured. This wasn't right. He couldn't be this out of control already, but he was and it felt like pure heaven as Matt slid his hands under the waistband of the shorts and tugged them down.

He heard Matt say something and shook his head to stop the buzzing that filled his ears. “What?”

“What do you want me to do?” Matt whispered and Evan began to shake in earnest.

“God... uh,” he lost his train of thought when the gentle feeling of Matt's cheek against his dick started again, this time skin against skin. Jesus.

“Your... your mouth... ” Evan finally got out. “Please... oh yes... ”

There it was again, that beautiful wet sensation of Matt's mouth, the tender movement of his tongue... his hands. God, they smoothed along the backs of his thighs, then upward to stroke his ass, to grip it tightly...

The top of Evan's skull threatened to explode at any moment. He gently slipped his fingers into Matt's dark hair, stroking his skull with caressing movements, moving along with the rhythm that Matt had set.
God, God, yes
. The chant repeated over and over in his mind but his voice had been reduced to a series of moans and gentle cries of pleasure.

He felt Matt's hands move again, suddenly stroking... stroking between, touching him... wait, touching him there... . a teasing finger... No, no, he wanted to stop it because this... that was too far, too much... but protesting was impossible because speech was impossible and Matt's probing finger was teasing him gently and the wet hot heat surrounding his dick was getting tighter and tighter and moving faster and suddenly Evan just grayed out, clutching Matt's head and the nearby sink frantically as he exploded in long deep spurts, crying out inarticulately.

“Beautiful,” he heard Matt mutter, feeling soft kisses along his thighs and stomach. “So beautiful... can't get enough... ”

Evan's heart lurched. He took a breath and pulled Matt up, pulling him close, letting his hands stroke his burning skin from his neck, down his back... and when his hands hit the curve of his ass, he faltered for a moment, but then continued on, tightening his hold.

Matt was making small sounds into the crook of Evan's neck, shivers racing up and down his arms. When Evan squeezed his ass he gasped and groaned, rubbing his erection against Evan's body.

“Get in the shower,” Evan whispered. “I'll make you feel good.”

“Christ— better than this? You feel incredible.” Matt's voice was raspy. “I... I missed you so much... missed feeling you like this... ”