Fading Out (22 page)

She shakes her head. “It was supposed to be…fun. How did we get here, Ryder?” She looks up at me, her pouty mouth beckoning me to kiss her. “How did I let myself fall so hard for you?”

She may despise those words, but they fill me with hope. They’re the most amazing words anyone has ever uttered. “I don’t care how,” I say, brushing my thumb across her cheek. “All that matters now is that you stay here—with me.”

Tilting her head back, I crave only one thing. To seal this moment with a burning kiss that will weld Ari to me permanently. And as I move in to do just that, my heart knocking so hard I know she feels it, I’m pulled out of the moment by a booming voice.

“Get away from her—” The guy grabs Ari’s arm, wrenching her away from me, and it’s the wrong thing to do. Just the wrong fucking move.

My fist hauls back—and Ari shouts, “Stop!”

Face twisted in anguish, fist cocked, I force myself two steps back and curse. Dropping my hand, I concentrate on Ari, making sure she’s okay. She rubs at her arm, but it’s more to soothe herself rather than out of pain.

The guy dressed in a black tux glares at me, his shoulders squared, then turns toward Ari. “Are you okay?”

The fuck… That’s my line, asshole. “One way not to have to ask that question—” I step toward him. “Is not to hurt her in the first place.”

His attention is back on me, brows hiked to his hairline. “You should leave. Before security is called. I’ll personally see you out.” He moves to take me by the arm and I grab his instead.

“I’m not leaving without her.” I nod to Ari. “And I’ll see my own self out.”

Ari pushes between us, her hands pressed to either of our chests. Rage burns through me, coursing and igniting. She looks up at me. “Ryder, please. Just go. I don’t want you to get into trouble.”

“What?” I glance between her and the douchebag—and it hits me. Like a fucking blow to my gut. “This is the guy?
The
guy?”

She swallows. “I can’t. Please. I just can’t.” Her eyes are pleading, and my chest is ripped wide open.

I have a choice: walk away now, and maybe talk some sense into her when she’s not surrounded by her overbearing family and their friends. Or hold nothing back.

Hell. I’ve slinked away like a coward too many times in my life. For her, I’m all in.

M
y world is shattering
. Each carefully positioned piece cracking. I’ve vigilantly kept my two worlds from colliding—but now they’re racing toward each other at breakneck speed. The crash inevitable.

Foolishly, I thought I could get through tonight and somehow
not
be engaged by morning. I’m so disillusioned. I just continued to go through the motions; nodding along in conversations with Becca, not responding to my father’s emails, dressing for this party tonight. I’ve been told for years that this, right here, was my purpose. My role. And I never once fought for a different outcome.

And, oh, there’s a million, different little reasons that—when collected and placed side by side—make up the huge picture of why I didn’t. But individually, these reasons didn’t seem worth the effort, the struggle, during the time.

I allowed this to become my life. I’m the only one to blame.

Truth is, I had no idea how awful my life was until Ryder charged into it. I wasn’t painfully aware of how shallow and empty my existence was. I was blissfully unaware that I wanted something more. The acuteness of that desolation that I feel now—with his presence rolling over me in electrifying waves—is a punishment. Pure and simple. I could wish I never met him, but then I wouldn’t have the memories with him that I’ll desperately need to last me the rest of my miserable, lonely life.

“This is the guy, Ari?” Ryder says again, and it’s like salt being ground into an open wound. “You’re just going to walk away from us so you can give your parents this guy?” He looks Lucas over and shakes his head. “He must have something they want pretty badly.”

Lucas bows out his chest, affronted. But he doesn’t really have the right; my parents did choose him precisely for his father’s business connections. Our marriage will be equally beneficial and prosperous to both our parents.

Lucas scoffs. “Hey, look. Don’t take it so hard.” He says this to Ryder in his best commiserating tone. “Ari’s allowed to go slumming during college. Hell, I did. You just have to get it out of your system before—”

Ryder has Lucas by the collar, jerking him upright before Lucas can finish his sentence.

Remembering what Ryder did to his own brother, I panic. Throwing myself against Ryder, I wrap my arms around his strained arms. He won’t attack Lucas if it means hurting me. “You have to stop!” Ryder’s grip on Lucas loosens, and then he releases him all together. He gives him a hard push that makes Lucas stumble backward.

Ryder turns toward me, his chest rising and falling with his labored breaths. “Is it true? Is that what you meant on the beach that night?” His jaw ticks. “Is that what you were trying to make me understand?”

My mouth opens, but I can’t force any words out. I’m ready to deny the accusation, to assuage his pain. To prove to him that I’m so desperately in love with him that I’m dying right here. That the second he walks out of my life, I’ll lose all will to exist in this painful reality.

But for one minute, I look past this moment. To the possible future. If I take that course, just what will my father do? Could he somehow hurt Ryder’s future? I’ve never known my father to be a vindictive man. A powerful one, yes—but never outright hurt anybody. But then, no one has ever threatened him the way Ryder is right now.

My marriage to Lucas is more than what’s expected of me; it’s a means to rectify my father’s standing. I can say with certainty that my father won’t allow Ryder to hinder this merger.

Everything that Ryder has worked so hard for…I won’t be the reason he may lose any of it. I’m not worth that sacrifice.

I swallow hard, look into his eyes, then, “I told you it couldn’t last.”

His eyes blaze. “Bullshit,” he hisses. “You said that you’d fight for us. And you meant it.” He steps closer and tries to take my hand, but I pull back. His face contorts with his hurt.

Straightening my back, I lift my head. “And who are
you
fighting for, Ryder?” I ask, hearing the tremble in my voice. “Who am I to you? I’m supposed to walk away from everyone in my life for…what? I don’t even know who you see when you look at me.”

And I hate that I mean those words. They strip me bare, revealing how wrecked I am. In love with a man who saw another woman within me. But it’s the only way. This can’t be allowed to go on one second longer. Ryder and I are at an impossible impasse. One that will tear both of us apart if we try to force our paths to merge.

Ignoring Lucas on the sideline, Ryder steps right before me and looks directly into my eyes. “I see the woman I love,” he says. And I’m through. Leveled. “I know I’ve hurt you. For my past, for who I was, for my weakness…I’m sorry. But I’ve more than suffered my penance.” He runs a hand through his hair and releases a tense breath. “I’ve earned a fighting chance. So have you, Ari. Don’t give in. Trust me enough to prove I only want you. I’ll spend the rest of my life, every single day, proving it to you.”

The tears I’ve been holding back break free. My legs go weak, unable to hold my weight. My knees buckle, and I feel the concrete dig into my knees as I’m taken down. His words slice right through my resolve, tearing at my defenses, and I can’t. I just can’t.

Lucas is by my side. “Arian, he isn’t worth all this.”

I wipe at my tears and turn away from Lucas. “Give me some time, please.” I look into his dark eyes and glimpse a shred of understanding. He nods, then looks up at Ryder.

“I won’t leave her for long,” Lucas says as he stands. Then he glances down at me once more before heading back to the party.

Ryder kneels before me, all of his massive strength pulling me toward him like he’s my own personal gravity. I just want to fall into him. Let him end this torture. It takes every bit of my strength to summon the willpower needed to pull away when he reaches for me.

“No,” I say. I suck back a sob and blink hard. Palming the ground, I push myself up and stand on shaky legs. When I’m able to look at him, and I witness the pain etched on his face, I loathe myself. From this moment on, I’ll never be able to look into a mirror without hating the girl reflected back at me with a vicious passion.

“The Alyssa thing…” I trail off, try to find my voice. “It’s just too much, Ryder.” I don’t mean a damn word. My heart is beating so frantic I swear he can hear it; hear the lie. “I think with everything stacked against us, it’s just too…complicated. It was supposed to be fun. A fling.”

His head jerks back as if he’s been slapped.
Fling
. Such a simple yet terrible word to appoint to what we have together. But it’s what he needs to hear. It’s the only thing that will make him walk away and leave me in my hell.

“A fling,” he spits.

I nod, and he turns his back on me before I can attempt to say more. “You’ll never be happy with him,” he says. His voice is broken. Defeated. It rips at my chest, slashes at my soul.

“I know,” I say simply.

“There will never be a day that you don’t regret what you gave up.” He turns and looks at me, honesty shining in those clear, icy-blue eyes. “And there will never be a day that I don’t think of you. That I don’t regret this second right here.”

His gaze moves over me with intense purpose, as if he’s imprinting me in his memory. Then, without another word, he walks away.

My eyes follow after him, watching him make his way through the crowd of curious stares, his indignant strides moving him farther and farther away from me. Out of my life. All the while, his words echo in my head, the truth of them aching in my heart. My chest constricted so tight I have to gasp to force air into my lungs. Remember how to breathe.

“Arian.”

Lucas’s voice fills the void surrounding me. As he nears me, he says, “We can do this another night.”

I close my eyes and feel fresh tears track my cheeks. “I’m fine,” I say, affecting false bravado. I
can’t
do this another night. I cannot do
this
all over again. The wait, the dread—the doomed countdown of the inescapable. Dragging this out any longer, clinging to a hope that doesn’t exist, will only level me further. It’s time to get it over with.

As Lucas leads me into the party, his arm wrapped around my waist, guiding me toward my future, I plaster a practiced smile on my face. I bury my pain and regret so far down that it will take an excavation to unearth it. It’s what I’ve been trained to do.

They mustn’t see any defining qualities of self. I am an image. A persona.

I am perfection amid the flawed.

And later, when Lucas slides the engagement ring onto my finger, drawing a collective awe from my family and their friends, my hand trembles, tears leak from my eyes, and I welcome their mistaken assumption that I’m happy. That I’m reveling in my perfect world.

It’s easier to allow people to believe what they want—what they choose as their truth. When no one looks too deeply, only concerned with the superficial, they’re easy to fool.

I was once one of those fools. I can be again. I
have
to be.

I
’m a fucking idiot
.

Even after Ari plainly spelled it out for me, stating I was just a college fling, I continued to cling to my belief that we were more. I wanted to believe she was angry. Hurt. Distraught, even. That she needed time to process all the shit my brother threw at her.

Because nothing that left her mouth felt real. I could not—
would not
—accept it.

I walked away that night at her parents’ house with a sliver of hope. It was just a fragile wisp, but it was there; a tiny shred of evidence that she loves me. I said the words she needed me to say, what she needed to hear, in order to alleviate the pain I knew she felt. She’s suffered enough pressure from her parents; I wanted to be different.

She needed someone who was willing to wait for her. I was going to be that guy. I was going to shove my ego and butthurt feelings aside to be the man she truly needed.

I was going to win her back. Prove that my feelings for her are damn real.

Then, I saw the ring.

Fucking idiot
.

I knew, in a suspended moment where my reality shattered, that it was all bullshit. I recalled every conversation, every word, every look, where she tried to explain it to me. But I was just too stubborn and hotheaded to hear her.

I’m the guy that gets the romp in the hay. The guy she goes slumming with in college. The guy to fuck her six ways to Sunday. So that when she marries the guy who she’s meant to marry, she can look back with fond memories. Having zero regret about never getting dirty with the boy from the wrong side of town. So she never has to wonder about what she might be missing.

My jaw tense, I shout the play. “Blue, ark! Blue, ark!”

At the line of scrimmage, I try to center all my focus on the practice game. Too much riding on tonight.
Get it together, Ryder
.

You’d think after three weeks she’d be out of my system. You’d think after being played so hard I’d gain a fucking backbone. But I’m still a pathetic waste, hung up on a girl who just wanted a
fling
before she got married. Before she ran off.

That’s right. Because now, she’s gone. Who needs a college education when you have Daddy’s money? Or rather, her future husband’s money.

Fuck, but I hate that I notice—that I wonder if she’s with him…

But maybe it’s easier this way. I don’t have to see her in the hallways. Watch as she ducks her head and tries to cover up that huge rock on her finger. She couldn’t even look me in the eye. Like I’m some shameful secret. Some mistake.

My hands ball into fists, my jaw clenches tight. As I hunch over, I force my fingers to spread and spear the ground, digging the tips into the earth.

I call the live color, then, “Hut, hut.
Hut
. Hike!”

The ball snaps to me. I palm it in both hands, my feet already in motion, as the clash of padded bodies thunders over the field. My gaze locks on James.
One second
.
Two
.
Three
—he’s in the clear. I pull my arm back, ready to launch—and arms anchor around my waist. A hard tackle takes me down, the air knocked from my lungs.

“What the hell!” Gavin shouts.

I roll onto my back, and pain slices through my shoulder blade. Dammit. Then Gavin’s standing over me, a pissed off scowl on his face.

“You let fucking Derrick take you down?” he says. I hear Derrick’s grumble of resentment, but Gavin doesn’t remove his glare from me to acknowledge him. “Man, I have to say. This shit is tiring.”

Yeah, I can’t argue with him there. I accept his hand as he pulls me up. “Let it go,” I tell him.

“Fuck you,” he shouts. He points a finger at my chest. “I didn’t work my ass off, putting up with all Keebler’s shit, just for you to blow the championship tonight because—” He breaks off as he meets my warning glare.

He holds up his hands. “Sorry, Ryde. But she’s gone, man. How long are you going to torture yourself over her? She made her choice. And hell, she chose another—”

Anger grips me whole. I grab him by his chest pad. “Don’t say shit, Gav.”

He pushes me off of him, breaking my hold. Looking me over, a disgusted expression hardening his features, he says, “One night, man.” He holds up a finger. “I know you’re fucked up over Ari. But I’m just asking you for one night. Get your shit together and do what you need to do.”

What I need to do
.

For who?

I glance around the field, at all the wary faces watching us. The faces of the guys I’ve lead over the past three years. Do it for them? For my dad? For my brother? Hell, for Ari?

Who the fuck am I doing this for?

Gavin curses, breaking into my conflicted thoughts. He runs a hand through his sweaty hair. “Look, it’s all good. I know you’ll pull it together; you always do. And I’m sure Ari’s doing better now.”

My attention snaps to his face. “What are you talking about?”

“Shit,” he hisses. “Nothing, man. Let’s just get back to the practice game.”

“What has Vee told you?”

His lips harden into a tight line, like he’s trying to keep his mouth sealed. I’ll be damned. I’m stalking toward him, ready to get answers, but a loud rumble bites into my eardrums. The vibration rattles my chest, and I can feel the growl of an engine rolling along the soles of my cleats. Whistles sound out, and I follow my guys’ drawn attention to the road just past the fence.

A Harley cruises past the cars and pulls to a stop in a parking space. The rider pops off her helmet, revealing flaming burgundy hair. Her gaze hard on us, she throws a leg over the seat and then jumps off the bike. She saunters right through the gate, pulling her shades down past her nose.

“Damn, bro,” Gavin says. “Who’s that?”

“Don’t you have a girlfriend?” I say. “One that I’m going to get some answers from if you don’t tell me what’s going on with Ari.” But he doesn’t pay my threat any attention. And truthfully, I’m only half committed to it. My line of sight on the girl, keeping time with her sure movements as she heads straight for us.

Gavin nudges me, as if all is forgotten. For him, it probably is. He said his piece. “Yeah, I care for Vee. But there’s no crime in looking.” He’s not saying jack about what I want to know. Which means Vee has him pretty whipped. Never thought I’d witness that day.

As the girl approaches, she checks out each player in turn, then pushes her sunglasses back over her eyes. My guys have all lined up, as if waiting for this hot little number to make her selection.

“I’m looking for Ryder Nash,” she announces.

“Damn, dude,” Gavin says. “You get all the trim.”

I turn toward my guys. “Run the next play, you assholes.” They groan, but Gavin claps his hands, calling the play, and they hustle to the middle of the field.

Hands to her hips, the girl checks me out hard as I make my way toward her.

“So. You’re Ryder,” she says, a laugh in her throaty voice. “My, my. I bet all the girls just cream their panties over you.”

“I’m sorry,” I say, stopping a few feet from her. “Do we know each other?” I note her ripped jeans and the tats along her collarbone, peaking out between the open collar of her leather jacket. The pink bandana around her neck. She doesn’t look like she’s a local. In fact, she looks like she’s from some motorcycle club. Something we don’t have around here.

She smiles and curls a finger before her face, beckoning me closer. I shake my head, but hell, I’m game. I stalk toward her, and when there’s only a couple of inches between us, I look down into her face. With a quick jerk of her hand, she grabs my faceguard and brings my face right before hers.

She rips her sunglasses off and stares into my eyes. “We have a mutual friend, jockstrap. My girl Ari sent me a rather distressing text that has me super worried about her.” Her dark eyes glare into mine. “And I have a feeling that it’s your doing. I’m here to make sure she’s okay, and kick the shit out of your ass if I find out otherwise.”

I yank my faceguard out of her grasp and pull back. Then I look her over, really study her. There’s no way this girl is acquainted with Ari. Shit, they wouldn’t even breathe the same air. “The hell,” I say. “Are you trying to get money from her? What the fuck do you really want? How do you know her?”

She laughs, then pulls out an envelope from her back pocket and shoves it before my face. I recognize Ari’s handwriting. The letter is addressed to one Melody Lachlan. The return address is Braxton University. She lowers the letter. “I’m Melody. And I know it seems unlikely that our sweet girl would run with the likes of me—” she fans a hand down her body—“but rehab doesn’t discriminate, duce.”

The pieces click together. Ari did mention a girl she became friends with in rehab, someone she considers close—but damn, she left out the scary biker chick part.

Then Melody’s words register, finally getting past my confusion. Fear trickles down my spine. “Ari sent you a message? Something’s wrong?”
Dammit, Vee
.

She shrugs, flipping out a cigarette from her pack. She lights it before saying, “Her message was short. It was also fucking weird. Like she was out of it, or like she was being dragged away.” Her face pinches in worry. “With what she battles, I’m scared something bad has happened. That she’s off sick somewhere… She won’t answer my calls.”

I feel my forehead crease. “What she battles?” I scoff, indignant. “You mean her engagement to Mister Money Douchebags? Yeah, that’s a real first world problem right there.”

The bewilderment that crosses her face quickly morphs into one of understanding. “You don’t know.” She says it so fast, so assuredly, that her words strike me like an insult.

I don’t know
.

Before I have a chance to press, Melody tilts her head and blows out a puff of smoke. “It’s probably not my place, but I think Ari might be in real trouble.” She shakes her head. “And honestly, if you have any real desire to be with my girl, you should know how to take care of her.”

“What are you talking about? Tell me.” Panic encases me with icy chills, my patience gone.

“Come on,” she says, nodding her head toward her bike. “Get rid of that bulky douche padding. You’re not riding on my bike like that.”

“I’m not riding on your bike period,” I say. “And you’re not leaving here without telling me what the fuck is going on.”

“Fine. Just tell me where she is, and I’ll leave you to your ass-slapping game.” At my shameful expression, she turns her back on me and releases a low curse. Within the same beat, she spins back around to face me and says, “Ari’s sick, Ryder. You got that?” She widens her eyes. “She’s bulimic. Anorexic. Whatever the correct term is these days. But really, I just call it trying to deal with her uptight life and pressure-inducing parents. The girl pecks at her food, and when she gets really upset, she can go days without even thinking of it.”

The truth of her words hits me over the head like a damn mallet. All of a sudden, I’m worse than an idiot; I’m a negligent asshole. I had the proof right before me; all those days where I let her convince me she was just tired, stressed, full—where I was more concerned about us than her. I focused on all the wrong shit—just all the wrong issues.

“We need to find Vee,” I say, and I’m already storming toward the locker room to get changed before Melody can counter.

“All right, then,” she says, running to catch up with me. She tosses her cigarette, her combat boot stubbing it into the ground as she passes. “We need Vee. Okay. Who’s Vee? Am I going to have to get all rowdy on her?

Damn, but this is who Ari hung out with in rehab? There’s a whole side of her I don’t know. And I’m going to rectify that right now.

“
W
hy didn’t
you tell me?” I ask Vee, fury simmering at the edge of my voice.

Vee looks between Melody and me, her gaze dancing back and forth like she’s trying to find the missing link. But the link is the girl who’s gone missing. The reason why I’m seething and about to lose my shit if someone doesn’t come forward with the truth.

“She didn’t want you to know, Ryder,” Vee says, sagging against the wall. “Her father sent some guy named Markus to pack her stuff…then Ari was gone.” She cringes. “She lost so much weight. I thought…I don’t know. That she had a bug or something. I could hear her in the bathroom at night losing her stomach. I was so worried about her.” She stares me in the eyes. “She needed a doctor.”

“Shit, Vee.” I grip my hair at the roots. “Then why the hell didn’t you come to me?”

“You? Why would I?” She pushes off the wall and walks toward me. “You were the reason she was so worked up. The last thing I wanted was for you to come around and upset her even more.”

“Where did he take her?” I ask, completely over the whole thing. Ready to find out what I came here for. I’ll deal with my brooding guilt later. Vee doesn’t deserve my wrath. Besides, she’s right. How could I claim to be in love with Ari and not notice how sick she was? Even from a distance? How could I be that egotistical?

Vee shrugs. “Ari said they were taking her to the hospital. That once she got better, she’d be back.” Vee hugs her arms around herself. “But when I went there later that night, the doctor told me her family had checked her out already. He didn’t look happy about that at all.”

Motherfucker.

“Yeah, her dad’s a real piece of work,” Melody says. She looks at me. “We have to find her.”

I nod. “I know. I know.”

“Ryder,” Vee says, her voice low. “I’m sorry. I didn’t figure it out until it was too late.” Her green eyes brim with tears, and I deflate. All anger wiped from my system.

“It’s not…” I clear my throat. “It’s not your fault, Vee.”

Melody groans. “Hey, losing time here. Where do her parents live?” She glances between us, her dark eyes wide. “Sorry. Not to be insensitive, but we have got to get a move on.”

“I know where they live,” I say, remembering the last time I was there. A surge of shame floods me like a tidal wave as my last words to her reverberate against my skull.

Damn. I know what I have to do, and it will probably end with my ass in jail—but this time, I’m not quitting the fight. I should’ve never stopped fighting for her. Ari needs someone who will never give up.