Fading Out (21 page)

A
fter practice
, I quickly shower and dress, wishing I’d taken longer, dragged out the mundane tasks. Because now, as I sit on the bench in the locker room, staring at my phone, I’m at a loss with what to do with myself.

I’ve never been so out of focus before. Always had a goal. Even if it wasn’t ultimately
my
goal, I always had the next step ready to take. And for three days, I’ve been anything but focused. Coach has been drilling me hard, prepping me for my transfer to the big leagues, his way of showing me how proud he is. But even the long, grueling hours working my body to its breaking point doesn’t tire me out. I’m more edgy than ever.

Driving my hand through my wet hair, I stare down at my phone as if it’s keeping answers from me. It’s been three days since I last spoke to Ari, but it feels fucking longer than that. I want to punch myself. I’m so sick of hearing my own whiny voice in my head, bemoaning my dumb shit. And that’s exactly what it is; dumb. Because if Ari could just trust me—could just believe in me—she’d see how much I care for her. How my feelings for Alyssa were completely superficial, and that I only suffered her memory for years because of Jake’s actions.

I look at Ari—and I only see her. She’s utterly erased all traces of Alyssa from my mind. What’s left behind is simply the regret that I didn’t figure all this out sooner. I’m sorry for what my brother did, but it
was
him, not me.

I might have been unable to face Alyssa afterward; I was weak, selfish, pathetic—whatever people want to accuse me of being, because I simply took off and never looked back. I’m wrong for walking away from Alyssa like a coward—but I’m stronger now. I won’t let Ari just leave. History does not get to repeat itself here.

And no matter how much guilt I harbored, I did make it my personal business to check up on Alyssa. Make sure the damage my asshole brother inflicted didn’t mess her up.

I talked with friends from my hometown and heard about how she went off to college. How she got engaged. How when she comes home she seems truly happy. If I’d ever found out that she couldn’t mentally recover, I’d have figured out a way to help her. It just never came to that.

High school ended. People left the scandal in the past—only I seemed to dwell on it until it mutated into a beast that threatened any relationship I may have had. I’m glad that Alyssa moved on. Now it’s my turn.

Three days is long enough to mourn my crippled ego and let Ari continue to hurt. It’s too long to allow her the chance to slip away. I won’t let her decide to run away from us; I’ll find a way to prove to her…whatever it takes.

I’m off the bench and grabbing my pack, making my way out of the isolation chamber I’ve been living in for too long.

I don’t send a text. I’d rather not give her the head’s up. I just go straight to her room.

When Vee answers the door, I drop my defenses, prepared to grovel if I have to in order to see Ari. “I’m a douchebag,” I say, my opening line. “And I’m willing to perform any humiliating task necessary for you to just let me talk to her.”

With a quirk of her eyebrow, Vee widens the door, revealing a comfy looking Gavin stretched out on her bed. My shoulders sag.

“Nice speech,” she says, leaning against the door. “If she was here, that probably would’ve earned you at least two minutes. But you’ll have to give Ari the ‘I’m a douchebag’ apology when she gets back.”

“Where is she?” I can’t wait to give it to her later. I’ve been waiting long enough. It feels like if I don’t get to her this second, she’ll slip right through my fingers.

Vee nods me into the room. “What the hell did you do to her, anyway?” she asks, ignoring my request, I guess, until she gets a few answers of her own.

Gavin sits up and pats the space next to him. “I saw Jake,” he says, his mouth pulling down at the corners. “He was all pissed off and storming off campus. I thought maybe… Did he do something?”

Groaning, I run my hands down my face. “What does he not do?” But I shake my head. “It’s not his fault, though. I just need Ari to believe that I…” Hell. I was about to say
love her
, but that sounds so weak, like a platitude. And not at all enough to convey just how madly I
am
in love with her.

Plopping down on Ari’s bed, Vee says, “She’s really a mess.” She frowns. “She like…went out and got highlights in her hair and bought all new makeup. Those are the signs for seriously hurt, my friend. Like, breakup rebound shit.”

That might actually worry me if I didn’t understand Ari’s logic. It’s not a breakup makeover; she wants to set herself further apart from the girl of my past. Pain slices through my chest, and I rub its fire-hot path along my breastbone. Fuck. I need to get to her before she can build this into something we can’t come back from.

“We’re not broken up,” I say firmly. “Can you please tell me where she is?”

Vee and Gavin share a look. My stomach practically bottoms out. What the hell aren’t they telling me? I feel like I’m about to come out of my skin.

“Gavin, man,” I say, standing and facing him.

He holds up his hands. “I don’t know shit, bro.” He points at Vee.

“Real nice,” she says. “See what you get later…”

Gripping my hair at the roots, I groan. “Guys! Please.”

They snap out of their playful banter and look at me. Vee says, “Look, all I know is what I overheard. Ari’s not the most transparent person, so it might all be a mistake. But she was really disgruntled with her stepmom.” She stands and takes a couple of steps toward me, a wary look pulling at her features. She feels sorry for me. Pity. I can see it in her eyes. “Ari went to a big dinner event at her parents’ place in Wisteria.”

I widen my eyes, nodding. “Yeah, I knew about it. So?” But I’d forgotten about that damn dinner. With all this drama taking up mental space, it just didn’t register.

“I heard her stepmom going on about some guy.” Vee averts her gaze away from me. “Apparently her parents are from the Victorian ages or something, because they’re announcing her engagement tonight. To this guy who Ari barely knows!” She shakes her head, indignant.

She prattles on about the injustice of it all, but I’m no longer listening. My pulse careens against my arteries. A dull pounding builds in my ears. My heart is beating the fuck out of my chest wall. Then I’m stalking toward the door.

“Wait!” Vee snags my arm, pulling me to a brief stop. “You can’t go there, Ryder. Just wait until she gets back. I’m sure this will all work itself out. I mean, she can’t really marry this guy.” Her mouth tightens into a frown. “At least, not tonight.”

I appreciate what she’s doing. Assuring me that I can win Ari over this guy—that I have a fighting chance. But I won’t be fighting for Ari’s choice. Her parents are my competition, not whoever this guy is. And there’s no way I’m letting Ari give in to them.

As far as I know, she loves me. I’ll choose to cling to that reality until she tells me otherwise. And the hell if I’ll allow her to get engaged even for a night. This madness has gone too far.

“Where do her parents live?” I ask Vee.

With a resigned sigh, she pulls out her phone. “This is a mistake, Ryder. You should wait until the debris settles.” She glances up at me quickly. “She’s stressed to the max. You might just push her too far right now.”

“She needs me,” I say simply. And I mean that. Vee must see the desperation in my eyes, hear it in my voice, because she nods. Relieved, I release a tense breath. “And I need her.”

She gives her shoulders a small shrug, then hands me her phone to take down the address. “Then go get our girl.”

A
ri’s parents
live in the wealthy community of Wisteria. As I drive past plantations with rich landscaping and accent lights illuminating trees and signs, I grip the wheel, trying to keep my pulse under control.

This town reminds me of the upper-class district of my hometown. Where I rode the bus to nearly everyday, attending a school that was far out of my league. Where my parents commuted to for work, serving the better half. Where Alyssa once lured me under false pretext to a party at a mansion.

I remember freaking. I ran out and spent a good chunk of my savings on a nice outfit, just so I wouldn’t stand out. So I’d blend in. Those feelings of inadequacy never truly departed. Even now, after all these years and my recent revelations, the feeling of not being good enough slithers over me, covering me like a blanket of shame.

Even if I make millions in the pros, I’ll never be like these people. Like Ari’s people. There’s a class structure that even money can’t cross. Generations of breeding this class defines them above the simply obscenely rich.

And as I turn onto a road and spot a long, winding driveway, sweat beading across my forehead, I know that Ari’s parents will never accept me. But I’m okay with that. Just as long as Ari accepts me, and she’s willing to fight for us, I’ll never care again how others view me.

Twinkling lights dot the manicured yard, and a glowing fountain stands center. Music drifts out of the enormous house as I make my way up the drive. I parked along the street, hoping to make a break for it easily if I needed to, and a valet greets me before I reach the door.

“Keys, sir?”

I point over my shoulder. “I already parked. Thanks.” He gives me a hard once over, but steps aside. Then I dash around the house, ignoring his instruction to enter through the front.

I doubt I’ll get two feet inside before I’m tossed right back out. My best chance is to sneak in through the back. Try to find Ari and talk her into leaving with me before I’m noticed or cause a scene. The last thing I want to do is embarrass her…but I’m feeling damn near desperate.

Laughter and classical string music hits my ears as I creep through a pergola entryway to the backyard. I stop suddenly, feeling way underdressed. This house party is black tie. Hell. Attempting to straighten my shirt and brush my hair down from its disarray, I walk along the outskirts of the party, my eyes dancing around groups mingling.

On edge, I tug out my phone and send Ari a text. She hasn’t responded to a one since she told me she needed time to herself, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t see them. I glance around and type out my location to her, hoping she’ll know right where I am.

Not five minutes pass before I see her emerge through the crowd. My heart stops.

She’s wearing a black and tan gown that falls to her feet. It’s all lace and elegance. Her hair—that has in fact been streaked with blond highlights—is swept up off her shoulders. Loose tendrils fall from the up-do, cascading down the middle of her back. She’s so beautiful my chest aches. It will be a cruel punishment if I can’t win her back.

Nothing I do from this moment forward means a damn thing if she’s not mine.

Bolstering my confidence, I move with purpose through the crowd, my steps determined as I close the distance between us. She meets me halfway.

“Are you crazy?” she says in an urgent whisper. “What are you doing here?”

Not able to go another second without touching her, I grasp her elbow, urging her to follow me to an enclosed pool area. The party hasn’t gotten this far, and I usher her under an alcove of hanging string lights. As I look down at her, the glow shimmers in her amber eyes. If not for the circumstances, this would be a perfect moment.

“Vee told me.” I let my words hang between us, and watch as she connects their meaning. Her eyebrows pull together. “Ari, this is insane. You are not getting engaged to some random guy just because your parents want it.”

Her slim throat bobs as she swallows. “It’s complicated, Ryder.”

The world fucking tilts on its axis. I was hoping…shit. I don’t know. That she’d laugh it off. The idea of her engagement so utterly absurd that she’d blow it off with a wave of her hand, reassuring me that I have nothing to worry about.

That’s not what happens, though. And the look on her face conveys all the torment she’s feeling.

“Hell no.” I link our hands together and start to pull her through the alcove, leaving. Immediately.

She jerks back. “I can’t leave!”

“Yes, you can!” I turn on her, my chest heaving and my eyes wild. “You can do anything you want, Ari. Anything and everything.” I pause, needing to center my thoughts. I’m so about to lose all control. “Explain it to me, then. Make me understand why you’re willing to trade in your freedom and happiness for this world?”

And like a blinding light full of the truth, it hits me. In that one question, I shed the last remaining, painful layer of myself. What was I willing to sacrifice to make my father’s dreams come true? To right all the wrongs; prove to everyone that I’m not Jake—that I’m better? My own passions and wants swept aside to be the star athlete with a real future.

The unequivocal truth that I’m better than my roots.

Ari’s eyes glisten with unshed tears. She shakes her head, over and over. “Because I’m no one,” she says.

I feel the confusion wash over my face. “What are you talking about?”

She laughs a mirthless laugh. Then sucks back her tears, stares into my eyes. “I’m fading away. Just…fading out of existence. If I ever really existed at all.
Who
I am isn’t as instrumental as
what
I am. A Wyndemere who will carry on this fabrication of reality. So me? All on my own? I’m no one, Ryder.” She sweeps a hand through the air, indicating her life. “And, God, but when you stumbled right into my little bubble, you burst the damn thing open.” She shakes her head. “I wanted you so badly. I wanted to
be
someone with you. But that was the biggest lie of all, wasn’t it?”

“No.” I grab her wrists and bring her to me. “I see you. No matter how you try to hide, I see you, Ari. And I’ll be damned if I let you believe all this bullshit. You are someone. You’re so much to me… And you’re more than that, even; you’re standing here, so vivid and real, it’s tearing at me to keep from touching you.”

A tear slips down her cheek as she closes her eyes. “How did we get here?”

I move in and capture her waist, pulling her to me. Her whole body trembles against mine.