Fade to Black (The Black Trilogy Book 1) (21 page)

“What is this?” I said looking to each one of my friends.

“Ryan, we are all here tonight, because we all love you.”

I involuntarily glanced at Piper’s back. She did not turn from the window. She stood stiffly looking outside.

“We have one purpose, and that is for you to be well,” Roger was saying.

A movement behind me caught my attention. I turned to see for the first time two men standing by the wall. I’d never seen them before, and the sight of them made me nervous. Roger tapped the FedEx box to get my attention. I began chewing on my nails. I knew what was coming, and I resented the mutiny of it all.

“You have choices,” Roger was saying.

Apparently, they had concocted a plan. If I did not stay, at least through the New Year, and get clean, with the help of a “world-renowned doctor,” and he gestured to the older man behind me, I would go to jail, charged with the federal crime of having my drugs shipped to me. He waved a hand toward the other man I assumed was here to carry out my arrest, were I to choose the latter. When I tried to speak, Roger held up a hand to silence me.

“If you do not get and stay clean once and for all, I along with Josh, Nathan, and even Sheldon…” I glanced at Sheldon. He had his eyes on the floor, refusing to meet mine. “…will cut off all contact with you,” Roger finished.

My face screwed up in rage at this.

“You’re serious?”

I looked from Roger to Josh to Nathan to Sheldon, who said, “As a heart attack, bro,” looking me square in the eyes this time.

I searched his face for humor, or a glimmer of something that said anything but what I’d heard. I found nothing there but defiance and truth.

“You’re godfather to my girls, and you stood stoned at my babies’ christenings,” Sheldon said, obviously hurting. “I love you man, but this shit has gone on long enough. Time for change before you force me, force all of us, to bury you.”

I hurt inside like I’d never hurt before. I glanced at Piper’s back again, wondering what her role in all of this was. She couldn’t stand the sight of me.

I stood up and looked at each one, wanting to shoot them one by one for making me feel like a reject. Roger stood and tried to touch me. I pulled away like an angry child.

“Stay here, Ryan. Get yourself well, or if you wish, I can arrange anywhere you would like to go,” Roger said, sounding sad and weary. “Piper and Nathan have opened their home to you. At least here you would be able to stay out of the news.” Roger continued, almost pleading now. “Ryan, if we’d known, we might have saved Mol—” he started.

“Don’t talk to me about that!” I screamed at him, and I actually covered my ears, unable to stand hearing her name.

Closing my eyes, I could hear the gun shot, feel the splatters of her blood. I stormed from the room and out the front door, slamming it behind me. No one tried to stop me.

I walked down the driveway and down the narrow path these people would call a road. I didn’t care where I was going. I was getting away from this place. I ripped my pocket trying to pull my cell phone out. I jammed a number in, and nothing. I tried again, and still nothing. I threw the damn thing into the trees somewhere, and kept walking. Viola was probably part of this shit too.

“Traitors!” I screamed at the night. “You’re all fucking traitors!”

I walked on, not knowing where I was headed. After a few minutes of this, I couldn’t see the house, or anything that looked remotely like a road. There were things moving in the woods. Birds made noises, and I realized it was cold. I stood looking around, and then I began to think about what they had just said to me.

I had to admit, I liked my drugs, but I was ready to rid myself of my reliance on them, and if I was completely honest with myself, I just didn’t want to be told how easily I’d be tossed away because I had a problem. I thought of my father and of dying alone, the way he did.

I don’t know how long I sat in the cold, lost in the boonies, but I was numb. I leaned, tired, against a fencepost, craving a hit. I laid my head back, and stared in amazement at the sky. Above me was a blanket of stars. I’d stayed in brightly-lit cities for so long, I’d forgotten what this looked like.

A car came slowly down the road and stopped in front of me. I walked to it, recognizing Nathan’s old Camaro. I flung the door open and crumpled inside, defeated. Piper sat behind the wheel, looking out the windshield.

“Want me to take you to the airport?” she asked, not looking at me.

I tried to dry my eyes, not wanting her to see my weakness.

“Or back to the house?” she took my hand, “It’s your choice, Ryan, but either way, I need you to be well.”

I didn’t understand what she was saying. Why would
she
need me to be well? That didn’t make any sense.

“You want to tell me why you insist on acting like you don’t know me, and now you I need me to be well? Why do you even care?”

She looked from me back to the road. Conflict was clear on her face illuminated by the dash lights.

“I just do,” she said simply.

I waited for more but she gave me no other explanation.

“I’ll go back to the house,” I said defeated and tired.

We drove back in silence. Roger was still sitting on the couch when I walk in. Nathan, Josh, and Sheldon were gone from the room. The doctor remained, but the other man was gone. I sat beside Roger and listened as Piper climbed the stairs. I would press her to say what she meant by she needed me to be well.

I listened as Roger began to talk, and the doctor joined in to explain how to become drug-free. I sat numbly and nodded in understanding that this was a pivotal point in my life. I was ready to be clean and accepted their help.

It was late by the time we finished. I was to start right then. All drugs were gone. No drinking. No nothing. The doctor would treat my withdrawal as much as he was able, but I would work toward being completely off that also.

“With hard work and commitment, you will be successful,” he said, and so I agreed that I would confront my drug use, the abuse of my body.

I was given two pills, and told to go to bed. Tomorrow was the first day of the rest of my life.

Roger looked at me sadly.

“Do you want this?” he asked me.

I nodded.

“No, Ryan, listen to me. Do YOU want this, or do you want to be found dead by a maid someday?”

I winced at the memory of Molly. A pain shot through my chest at the thought.

I nodded slowly.

“Yes. I’m tired Roger. To the bone. I am weary of this life. I can’t be everything to everybody anymore. I want to cut back, and maybe write some, when I’m through this, I mean.” I looked at my old friend, and saw tears in his dark eyes.

“Let’s get you better, and then I’ll help you any way I can,” he promised, wiping his eyes.

chapter twenty-seven

I woke to a nearly empty house. Everyone had gone, except Piper and Nathan. Dixie was there, but I didn’t count her. My body hurt all over and went through hell. Piper came to wash my face, and hold the trash can as I threw up those first few days.

At first, I refused to let her see me that way, but she demanded I allow her to help. I didn’t have the strength to argue so I let her try and sooth me. Nothing worked. I would sweat, vomit, spent an hour at a time in the bathroom and rolled in the bed in agony. The only thing that made me relax was the sound of Piper as she spoke.

She told me about her own addictions. She said she just quit one night, wanting to live a way her grandmother would be proud of. She talked about her daughter, and it soothed me some to listen to the love they had. The doctor came and went, but didn’t stay long. I couldn’t grasp time. I spent my detox freezing and throwing up. I started out the pale color of corn and faded to a chalk white. Piper kept at me until I ate at least once a day.

“You must, you must,” she would say until I gave in.

I would watch her, memorizing every inch in detail. I decided my memory of the one day we shared did not do her justice. Piper was more beautiful than I could recall. Her face stay empty while she gently cleaned me or shaved me with a straight razor. I wasn’t concerned as she placed the blade on my neck. After each stroke, she would wipe the hair and foam across a towel on her shoulder. I was so weak, shaving was the last thing on my mind. With delicate hands, Piper healed me a little more with each touch.

“It is a fact. You feel better when you are clean,” Piper said smiling.

As she sponged my face and neck, she would tell me stories of her dad or of her time with Josh growing up. I loved the attention she gave me. I looked forward to watching her face as she talked. I reached up once, and traced her lower lip with my thumb interrupting a particular long story. She let me trace the line of her mouth then took my hand and gently kissed the palm, closing her eyes as she did.

It was such an intimate thing, my heart ached. I felt cherished for being me, and not my money or the star I’d been morphed into over the last almost twenty years. I wanted Piper, in every way imaginable. I wanted to see what she looked like while she slept. Did she snore? Did her long hair tangle in a mess during the night? What did she sleep in, and how would she feel pressed against me in a comfortable bed? I couldn’t wait to get stronger. I wanted the answer to all my questions and more.

…

Just before Thanksgiving, Piper and I took the horses through the woods. I had taken riding lessons for a film years ago, and returning to a saddle after I’d swore I’d never do it again was a strange sensation. We slowly climbed a mountainside. I looked in wonder at the varying colors of the leaves. Cosby truly was a magical place. We paused at a bend where Piper laid flowers. I watched, not asking whom they were for, but it was obvious it was someone she loved. After she returned to her horse, we began to descend back around the mountain. We returned to the house as the sun set on our backs completely comfortable with the silence.

I helped with Thanksgiving dinner week. I hadn’t celebrated this way before. I got a kick out of the turkey and pie Nathan insisted were his recipes. I did enjoy it though, and this was the first time everyone was to be home to see me and the progress I’d made since Halloween.

As they arrived one by one, each showered me with complements on the healthy state I was in. I was down to two of the doctor-prescribed pills a day to help with the cravings my body still felt. I thought about using all the time like a piece of me was drifting and I couldn’t quite grab hold yet.

Though my want of drugs was still with me, I was becoming more accustomed to be alright without them. I was eating all the time. I ran with Nathan to keep my weight in a good range and in four short weeks I got to celebrate a holiday with my family.

But while I improved, I watched as Piper got thinner before my eyes. Worry creased her forehead. When Roger was there, I often found the two of them in deep discussion. When I entered the room, they would go silent. Whatever it was that was causing her discomfort, I hoped it wasn’t me.

Piper began hanging sheets on the walls and draping them over the furniture in parts of the house we were not using. When I asked, she told me that she was going on a trip after the New Year. I found I looked at the calendar a few times a day.

By Christmas, I was dreading leaving. My color was the light mocha it had been when I was a child. This pleased Piper and that knowledge fueled me on the get as strong as I could. We often sat alone talking about our childhoods or life experiences, but never spoke of Louisiana. I feared losing the deep connection I had started with her if I brought it up. I was craving her company and just as I did on the beach, I felt a magnetic pull toward Piper. We could sit in silence or chat like old friends, sipping coffee on the screened-in porch, watching deer come and go in the distance.

On Christmas Day, we all ate a huge breakfast, with chocolate chip pancakes, bacon, sausages, eggs, and potatoes. We were stuffed and happy when we sat down to open gifts. Piper gave me a Perez Hilton T-shirt that was the brightest pink I’d ever seen. I wore it proudly. He’d been a fan of mine for years, so I was glad to support him in this simple way.

A dinner fit for royalty was served and almost entirely consumed. When all was quiet, and we had finished watching
It’s a Wonderful Life
, we began saying our good-nights, and I asked Piper to stay with me for just a moment while the others left us. We sat in front of the fire.

I don’t know why I was so nervous, but I was. I gave her the box I’d carried in my pocket all day. When she saw it, she smiled.

“I’ll never forget what you have done for me. My time with you, and I mean
all
my time with you, will live in me forever.” I said this so she knew I meant Louisiana, as well as Cosby.

She started to say, “You shouldn’t have,” but I stopped her.

“Can I appreciate you, for just a moment, please?”

She opened the box slowly, eyeing the necklace inside as if it were the Hope Diamond. She read the inscription on the white gold pendent, dangling from a shiny white gold chain.

“For where we have been, and to where we are going, my love.”

I watched several different emotions cross her delicate features. Landing on one of appreciation, her dark brown eyes filled with tears. She put her hands over her face and cried. I immediately began to apologize.

“Here, it’s corny I know. I can send it back,” I said, reaching for the box.

She shook her head, wiping her eyes.

“No, no, no. It’s beautiful.” She snubbed.

I patted her knee awkwardly.

“Then what is it? Why has this upset you?”

I gave her a moment as she wiped her eyes and calmed slightly. I was afraid she’d start crying again so I stayed quiet so not to trigger anything.

“Oh, Ryan, I’m so sorry.”

“Piper, you have nothing to feel sorry about.”

She dabbed at her eyes with a Kleenex from the coffee table.

“Just tell me Piper, it’s okay,” I assured her, not having a clue as to why she was so emotional. She just stared at me for a long moment as if searching for words.

“I couldn’t meet you,” she said, picking a random thought, I assumed. “I couldn’t meet you because-”

Piper was breathing fast, almost panicky.

“Lana died. Nathan was shot, and there was blood everywhere, and I was married at the time, or I thought I was, and I had to come back home, and then I slit my arm open, I don’t know if I wanted to die or not, I think I did, but then Matthew showed up,” She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. “I couldn’t meet you-,” she said again in a soft voice.

My thoughts tumbled around, but then clarity came.

“Because Nathan got shot?” I finished.

She nodded.

“I was going to leave a note at the car, but it was gone when I left that night. I remember,” I said.

She nodded in understanding.

“You were
married
?”

She looked up at me helplessly in obvious internal turmoil.

“I never was. I thought I was, but it wasn’t legal.”

I tried to follow her, but she was talking so fast, on the brink of hysterics again.

“It’s okay,” I said, but she stood, still holding the box.

“Don’t you see, it’s not? It’s not okay Ryan!”

I stood also.

“Well, spit it out then, damn it. I don’t understand.”

She bit her lower lip, and shut her eyes. Placing a hand on my chest.

“Soon we must talk, but right now I’m tired, okay?”

“Piper, can’t you talk now?” I asked slightly annoyed.

“I promise, we will soon. I just can’t think right now. Give me a little time? Please?”

“Of course,” I answered, and then I asked, “Soon?”

Piper nodded, and I kissed her forehead

“Everything’s going to be okay. Okay?” I asked, unsure myself.

She nodded again, looking at the floor. I placed my finger under her chin. Reaching down to the coffee table, I picked up a small branch of mistletoe, and I placed it above my head.

“Let’s end the night on a happy note?” I raised my eyebrows playfully.

Piper grinned at me as I leaned in to kiss her. Her lips sent waves of electricity through me. In a matter of seconds, we were kissing heavy, mistletoe forgotten. Breathless, I pulled Piper into me hard. Abandoning her mouth, I went for her throat. Her arms were locked around my neck, and she was responding with just as much need and desire as I had. I laid her down on the couch, my mouth back on hers now.

We didn’t need to talk tonight, kissing was much better anyway. I placed my hand on her side, working up to her breast. She reached down between us, feeling the bulge through my jeans. I groaned in agony, grinding into her center.

“Excuse me?”

We became perfectly still locking eyes.

“Shit,” I said, as Nathan knocked on the coffee table.

I moved off of Piper, placing a pillow from the couch over me. Piper scrambled to pull her shirt down, and sat up.

“Phone,” Nathan growled to Piper, neither amused nor embarrassed, but rather cold as ice. Then he walked from the room.

I watched him go, shooting daggers from my eyes. Piper hurried from the room, throwing me an apologetic look as she went.

I fell asleep on the couch alone. Piper must have returned at some point, because I woke at three in the morning with a blanket on top of me and Dixie snoring beside my face.

I fought the urge to sneak into Piper’s bed. Nathan would probably shoot me thinking me an intruder, then I thought he might shoot me for fun after catching me with Piper.

I understand to whole “big brother thing” but he seemed really protective. I wondered absently if it was my unstable history with random women over the years. That’s enough to cause any brother to feel a little hesitant with my involvement. I made a mental note to share with Nathan that Piper was not some fling I would have while I’m here. I actually want to be with Piper.
Be with her
? I didn’t know the first thing about relationships. I mostly dated models that were readily available to me at every turn of my career. We did our drugs, had our fun then I moved on to the next city and next model.

Sure, there was a few that wanted relationships with me but I learned quickly it was not for me. I had my dates at various events in Hollywood, giving them exposure to the public by way of cameras or tabloids. It was always good for them in the long run and good for me at the time because exposure was really all they wanted from me anyway. They all wanted to be a star.

I suppose this did make me a bad candidate to be with Piper in Nathan’s eyes. One thing’s for sure, Piper desired me just as much as I did her, that much I was sure off. The years hadn’t changed that about us.

The next day I got the cold shoulder from big brother. Nathan made sure to stay with one of us, never giving us time alone. I got the impression he was waiting for something, but what, I had no clue. Whatever was going on with him made him moody and protective of Piper which in turn made me moody. I was waiting on a word to indicate exactly how he was feeling. I didn’t have to wait long. He didn’t waste time and that afternoon he spoke without preamble.

“She ain’t one of your throw-aways Ryan,” he told me in a low voice, almost sounding threatening when we alone in the kitchen.

“I know that,” I said, just as threatening.

I was more than a little hurt that he thought I would use Piper like an extra on a film set, but on the other hand, Nathan had witnessed and participated in many nights with countless, nameless females—throw-aways, as he called them.

“I know that,” I said again, understanding now. “She’s unlike anyone I have ever met before. I’ve spent years trying to find her.”

Nathan looked confused at my admission. His eyebrows knitted in a deep V. “Years?”

“We met in Louisiana. You remember? I had no idea she was your sister, obviously.”