Fade to Black (The Black Trilogy Book 1) (20 page)

“From the rape,” I finished for him, in a dead voice I was all too familiar with.

Roger nodded sadly.

“Risk of infection, but you’re on good medicines and strong antibiotics. We can continue your care in the city. Piper?” He said my name in a stern voice, to make sure I was listening. “This is a very bad guy we are dealing with. Do you understand?”

I looked into his eyes, the same color as mine and my dad’s.

“Yes, I understand.”

Roger brought his face down to mine, speaking softly so only I could hear him. “There’s a very good possibility that Jean-Paul is responsible for murdering your friend Lana, and nearly killing Nathan.”

I was stunned silent. That thought chilled me to the bone. Lana’s murderer had never been found.

“Roger?” I said, desperate and terrified at the thought. “Does he know? About Ryan? About Ellie?”

Roger looked down at me sadly.

“I don’t know.”

chapter twenty-five

We buried Maria in our family cemetery. Someday, I wanted to find her children, if I could, and let them know how sweet and wonderful their mother was. Nothing like the monster my mother had been.

It was a quiet and private burial. I said good-bye to the lady who had cared for me and my daughter so lovingly. So kindly. I stood, leaning on a crutch for a long moment, and felt the breeze that carried the smells of the pines down to where I stood.

I had suffered, but I would not allow anyone to call me a victim. Things had been done to me against my will and I, by the grace of God, still stood, even though I had been knocked down by people who were supposed to love me the most.

I was brought up short by the knowledge that I had been murdered in different ways, but still I breathed. I swore by the trees and the sunlight I would not be knocked down again. I would rise from the ashes and be wiser, stronger, and live with all my heart. I placed a hand on Nana’s stone.

“I screwed up, Nana, but if the Lord lets me, I’ll make it right.”

I raised my head to the heavens, and prayed silently for strength. For guidance. For forgiveness. For comfort. For Ryan to be healthy and accepting of Ellie.

“And Daddy, if you can hear me, I miss you something awful.”

I laid a rock at each of my loved ones’ gravestones, saying a prayer to receive each of their strengths. I wanted Daddy’s pure love of life, Nana’s accepting mind and thoughtful spirit, Papaw’s incredible strength and knowledge, Maria’s kindness. I said a prayer for my dead baby and turned to join my waiting family. I would begin again with a song in my heart.

“I might be down, but I ain’t out,” I said to Papaw’s stone, as I walked away. I swear, when it was at my back, as I turned to go, I could almost hear him say through the breeze, “Atta girl, Piper.”

…

The city of New York was a little overwhelming when compared to my country home. I’d never leave Cosby. It was in my blood, but it was a nice change. Roger spoiled Ellie rotten. While he worked, Ellie and I would walk the streets to do some window-shopping, and we would eat something new every afternoon. We loved the mix of different cultures and religions.

Ellie was right at home in this city. It both made me sad and excited me to think how fast she was growing and how she was showing an interest in a life I never had. Roger talked me into allowing him to enroll Ellie in a school of arts.

After only a month she went from playing Chopsticks on the piano to much more complex forms of music. I was so proud. Sheldon and his girls visited, as did Nathan. I got to spend time with Josh, who couldn’t tell me who he was guarding. He laughed when I tried to guess.

“Donald Trump? Liza Minnelli? One of the Olsen twins?”

He would shake his head, smiling.

“I couldn’t tell you if I wanted to. I love you, but give it up.”

Josh and Matthew were so different when we were younger, but now we were entering our thirties, I saw pieces of Matthew in Josh—the mannerisms I loved so much, the knit in the eyebrows.

“I still miss him, Josh,” I admitted to him.

Josh wrapped me up in his big arms.

“Me too, Piper. Me too.”

We shared the loss of a kind and gentle spirit. I figured we always would.

I had to go home and testify against Jean-Paul a few months later. The police had botched some evidence which caused some charges to be tossed out of court. He was sentenced to two years in prison. His lawyer pled him down to lesser charges, and since he had scratches and marks on him from me and Maria, Jean-Paul pretty much got away with murder claiming that Maria had fallen down the steps and must’ve broken her neck then.

I found out we were never married as Jean Paul did everything to stay off of any legal documents. We were never legally married. I hated the thought of my old pastor taking a bribe, but he was dead and gone now, so there was no use in holding a grudge against the dead, because they could care less about our problems anyway.

I was ready to return home. I loved the big city, but I wanted my mountains. Ellie begged and pleaded to stay.

“But Mom, in Europe all kids go away to school,” she whined.

I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving her. A report from the prison holding Jean-Paul changed my mind instantly. Jean-Paul had corresponded with some of his relatives and was going to try and have Ellie taken from me and sent to live with his family. I was horrified. It scared me to the point of agreeing to whatever kept her most safe. It hurt me deeply to admit she was safest away from me. Jean-Paul was told of Ellie’s paternity, or his lawyers were. Not who her real father was, but that he was for certain, not her father.

Ryan’s identity, though important and inevitable, would be a secret until he was well. Roger and I had plans to help Ryan, but we would need Sheldon, Josh and Nathan in on it—them, along with a good doctor.

I was frightened of what would happen next. I felt I would be keeping Ellie safer by separating myself from her. She would remain in New York, and with a heavy heart, I agreed to go home alone.

“You know how to use your video chat, so it will be like talking from the kitchen to the grand room,” Ellie said, far wiser than her age. Ellie was born with wisdom and acceptance, just like Nana.

“I guess so,” I said, trying not to make her sad.

Heavy hearted, I returned to my Cosby home. I would visit every couple of weeks, and Ellie would come home for long weekends and holidays, if her schedule permitted it.

Nathan returned home with me. He, Sheldon, Roger, and I conspired to try and help Ryan, as Ellie stayed at school with Beatrice and the girls as they split their time between London and New York. It was not going to be easy. I wanted Ryan to know of his child, and how wonderful she was. But I wanted him to be healthy when he did learn of it.

Ryan was scheduled to be off for a few weeks. Sheldon would bring him to Cosby in hopes of getting him clean and sober. I reluctantly agreed to this, fearing Ryan would hate me for tricking him. I also feared seeing him after all the time that had passed. I thought of him, but would not allow the thought of being with him to take root.

I was still the dirty, diseased girl Daniel had ruined so long ago. Roger wanted me to prepare the house for a long absence, in case Jean-Paul was released early from prison, a possibility that made my blood boil. I set out for home, with my brother in tow. He surprised me two days later by saying he wanted to bring his girlfriend home, at least until after Halloween.

I knew Nathan was popular with women; most musicians are, but after Lana he was careful with who he was with, fearful he would relapse. I admired his strength and gladly agreed to meet this mystery woman.

When his girlfriend arrived, I was overjoyed. She was a tall, dark-skinned black woman, with a whip-like tongue and a huge, kind heart. She was exactly what Nana would have picked for Nathan. Her name was Deedra, but, “Everybody calls me Dee Dee,” she told me.

She came with leopard-print luggage and a baby English bulldog that Nathan called Dixie, his “pride and joy.” I often came to the kitchen to find Nathan singing to Dixie while cooking. Dixie would watch him with droopy eyes, waiting for falling crumbs from her master. I loved her. She slept with me most nights, and I felt safer with her.

I was counting down the days till Ryan came. I was a nervous wreck when that day finally came. I decided to be as normal as I could, choosing my jeans and T-shirt for the day. I didn’t want to give the impression I was dressing for him.

No matter how I felt about him eons ago, and I still had little butterflies in my stomach when I thought of him, there was no way a man of his popularity and money would go for a country bumpkin from Cosby, Tennessee. And even if he did, I could never let him into my messed up world.

Still, when I heard Sheldon yell, “We’re here!” from the front door, I quickly checked the mirror, to make sure I was neat and as pretty as I could be.

The scar on my right cheek was a shiny, thin line and was on top of the one I already had from climbing a tree with Josh when we were little. It was only noticeable in bright light.

I made my way out of my room in a daze. Would he remember me? Had he ever thought about me? Who was I kidding? Ryan Knox dated supermodels, at least four to five different ones every year.

I was the girl with the tragic past and the psycho non-husband who tried to kill me, even if at that moment, I felt like the girl on the beach. I had to steady my breathing as I made my way downstairs.

chapter twenty-six

Ryan ~

I was in the middle of some hick town, because my best friend talked me into it. I didn’t want to be anywhere, especially not at an old farmhouse in a place that doesn’t register on most maps.

I had to admit though, as I took in the place, it was nice. It was three, maybe four stories, on several hundred acres of breathtakingly beautiful land. There were woods as far as the eyes could see. The mountaintops looked like they were covered in thick white smoke. Hence “smoky” mountains, I thought with a snort.

I was with Josh and Sheldon. Nathan and Dee Dee were there already, with Nathan’s sister, whom I’d never met.

“If this girl asks for an autograph, I’m out of here,” I said to Josh.

He shot me a look of disgust.

“Dude, get over it. Piper’s not like that.”

Yeah, right, I thought. In the end, they were all “like that.” We got bags from the car and climbed the porch stairs in front. There were pumpkins and scarecrows here and there. Even in my bad mood, I felt instantly welcome.

“What kind of name is Piper anyway?” I said wrinkling my nose.

Sheldon looked back at me, dead serious, and said, “It’s an angel’s name.” Then he smiled and added, “You’ll see,” and followed Josh through the door.

At the entryway, Sheldon shouted, “We’re here!” tossing down bags and taking off his shoes, revealing his big toe poking through a hole in his sock.

“You got more money than a Saudi sheikh and you can’t buy decent socks?” Josh teased him.

Sheldon shrugged, not caring what his socks looked like. I did as he did and looked around. It smelled like warm apples inside the house. It made my mouth water. On the left was a great big room, with a baby grand that sat in the corner. At this, I brightened. I loved piano, and had my acting career not swallowed me whole, I would have taken a chance at playing professionally. In the middle of the room were three couches set in a semi-circle, with an old wooden table in the middle.

Over the top of an ancient fireplace was a television, placed so as to be easily viewed from the couches. It was a cozy room, with huge floor-to-ceiling windows that covered the east side of the room. I glanced to the right and saw a dining room table that sat at least twenty, maybe more. Roses and fruit bowls were the centerpieces. This went through to a brightly lit kitchen.

Everything I’d seen so far was charming and comfortable. It kind of reminded me of an old bed and breakfast, but much more personal. The entryway was directly in front of a wide staircase, which rose in a curve to the next floor. Beyond the first flight of stairs, I couldn’t see.

Nathan and Dixie greeted us, followed by Dee Dee. Sheldon had already gone to the kitchen. He always complained that he gained at least ten pounds from Piper’s cooking when he visited.

I was in the middle of asking how far we were from anything, when legs caught my eye. They were connected to a frame I watched walk slowly down the stairs.

It was as if everything was moving in slow motion. I saw the jeans encasing long legs, then the snug grey Rolling Stones T-shirt, then the legs, light, strawberry-blonde hair, then finally, the face. It was the face I’d dreamed about since my time in Louisiana years before. I stood with my mouth open, mid-sentence, watching her walk our way.

Following my gaze, Nathan turned to the woman.

“Piper! Bout time!”

Playfully, she bumped his stomach with a small fist.

“Piper?” I said stupidly.

“Yes,” she said smiling. “Ryan? It’s so nice to meet you.”

I knew I was frowning in response. I put my best faux face on.

“Nice to
finally
meet you,” I said, playing along.

I wanted to say, “What the hell?” Did she even recognize me? I’d memorized every inch of her, and could recall it vividly, no matter how wasted I got at times.

I watched Piper hugged Sheldon. I was instantly jealous.

“You all hungry? I’ve got chicken casserole in the oven.”

“Starved!” Nathan said,

“Woo-hoo! Me too”, added Sheldon from the kitchen sounding as if his mouth was already full.

“Sure,” I said still deflated at the less-than-warm reunion.

I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t anything like what was happening. Piper? Her name was Livia, or so I thought. I was suddenly aware of my appearance. I was grungy, and my beard was thick and itchy. I should have shaved, damn it.

I asked to use the restroom, and took my backpack with me. I only had a little blow left, until the overnight package arrived tomorrow. I would make it last till morning, or early afternoon.

When I was done freshening up, I was more relaxed and could sit without twitching at least. We all ate and laughed. I watched the beauty I’d fallen so hard for. When I thought of her name and how different she was, I had to agree, Piper was a better fit for her than Livia.

Later we watched
The Postman Always Rings Twice
, with apple pie topped with vanilla ice cream. When it was late, we left Sheldon asleep on the couch. Piper showed me to my room. Nathan said, “Good night,” and followed Dee Dee to a room down from mine.

“I’m just there,” Piper pointed to a door across from me. “If you need anything, just holler,” she said lightly and turned to go to her room.

She stopped and turned back to me. I perked up, hoping she would acknowledge who I was and our time together.

“If you smoke, make sure you open a window,” she said, and I deflated again.

“No problem,” I said sourly, going into the room.

“Ryan?” she called.

I stuck my head out of the door.

“I’m really glad you’re here,” she said simply.

I watched her open her door and enter her room.

“So am I, Piper,” I said, but my voice was so low I wasn’t sure she heard me.

Over the next few days we all laughed, ate, and watched movies. It was family time. I’d never had anything like it, and I noticed quickly how much I loved it. Bee and the girls could not make it for Halloween. When I inquired about a baby picture in the living room, Piper said she had a daughter away at school.

“Ellie,” she said sweetly.

I thought she was uncomfortable talking about her, so I asked no more. Most of the time Piper was warm and friendly, but other times we would all sit and talk, especially in the living room, and she would wander off in thought. A sad expression would creep over her beautiful face. I fought the urge to ask what was wrong or to put her in my arms. The truth was the drugs kept me satisfied and numb. I began to resent my addiction, for the first time in years. I relied on it to function now.

Halloween night Sheldon, Josh, and Nathan had the barn loft open and were doing sound checks for that evening’s concert. By the sound of it, everyone in the county was coming. There were two horses hooked to a bed of hay, I supposed for hayrides. The people would bring their own drinks and blankets, and sit in the yard. I said I would watch from the porch of the house, knowing, as always, my face would cause a stir, and the last thing I wanted were strangers gaping at me, or the paps to find me and start hunting me, taking pictures.

I got a surprise when Piper presented me with a Zorro costume, mask, hat, and gloves. I would be unrecognizable. I was eager to actually be a part of something so simple. I dressed and waited. When Piper came downstairs, glittering in a halo and white dress with wings my heart stopped for a few seconds then started up in a gallop. She was gorgeous and it was killing me acting like we didn’t know each other.

Sheldon walked up behind me and slapped me on the back.

“See? I told you so,” he said so only I could hear and walked away, scratching his multicolored Afro wig. He was right, Piper was an angel.

I followed everyone out to the yard. People were everywhere. At least a hundred had already arrived. Some stood to the side, some lay on their blankets, all had a beer in their hand. I took a beer for myself, and stood with Josh, as Sheldon and Nathan began the show.

Sheldon was a genius. He sang Brittany Spears, Loretta Lynn, Kid Rock, and Uncle Kracker. There wasn’t a song he couldn’t sing, or a song Nathan couldn’t play. They performed in perfect harmony, as only two people with a long history together can. The crowd hooted and hollered like true hillbillies. I kept a watch on Piper. She gave candy to children, danced with old men, and spoke to everyone, the perfect hostess.

The darker the night got, the more people showed up. Sheldon asked that everyone stand for a slow dance before he and Nathan took a break.

“We’re gonna slow it down, and let the lovers come forth for this one,” he said, and nodded to Nathan to begin.

He sang with precision, “Let It Be Me,” by Ray LaMontagne. Couples all over were dancing now. I set my beer down, and strode confidently over to Piper before anyone else could. Josh started to say something, but I ignored him and stayed on course.

I didn’t speak when I got to Piper. I just took her hand, and pulled her into the swaying crowd. I took my hat off and tossed it, not caring where it landed. I was still covered with a skullcap and eye mask.

Piper blinked and looked around like she was ready to run. I remembered how reluctant she was on the beach, and I recalled the words I’d said, standing naked in the water.

I bent to her ear, “This is life, Livia. Don’t you want to live it?”

I felt her body stiffen, and she tried to pull back from me. I kept my face to her ear, glad I had shaved.

“No. Please stay.”

After a moment, she relaxed into me. I traced her face with my lips as Sheldon sang the befitting song for us. Piper breathed onto my neck, and I moved my lips down hers. She smelled of the same sweet perfume I remembered from so long ago.

I kissed her collarbone, and made my way back up to her ear. I rubbed the side of her face with mine, much like a dog would your hand. I didn’t care who saw me. I’d wanted this girl for years, and now I had her in my arms. I dreaded letting her go once the song would end. For just a second, Piper laid her head against my chest. This small movement had me breathing heavier. I turned to whisper in her ear.

“I’ve wanted this for years, Piper. Don’t you remember me at all?”

She neither answered nor moved. As the song ended, I kissed her lips softly, feeling her body turn rigid from excitement or repulsion, I didn’t care, but when she parted her lips and kissed me back, I felt my own body respond. I couldn’t have written a better scene for a movie. I pulled her flush against me suddenly hungry for more. When I let my tongue explore her mouth Piper jerked away from me.

There was no music, no couples were around us. We stood inches apart staring at one another for what seemed like forever. Piper was breathing heavy and I could see tears filling her eyes. I reach to touch her faces, but she back away, finally turning to leave me alone. I stood, watching her go. My insides felt raw, exposed.

…

I didn’t see Piper the rest of the night or at all the next day. I should have been watching where I was headed, but being doped and desiring a woman, who obviously did not desire me, clouded all the signs that were there all along.

I was about to crash without a parachute.

The night after the party, I found Piper in the kitchen, laying out thick slices of ham and roast beef. Fresh homegrown lettuce and tomatoes. Fresh baked breads and sour pickles. There were chips and tea.

When we were momentarily alone I began to apologize for kissing her, but she waved me off.

“No, it’s okay,” but once she said this, I felt worse about it. It wasn’t okay. I had wanted her, so I’d put her in a position that she did not want to be in. That was not okay with me.

Before I could say anything else, Roger showed up. This should have raised a red flag, but I greeted my mentor and father figure as always. He brought his girlfriend, Rebecca, with him. She was a pretty, forty-something, Wall Street somebody. She wore diamonds everywhere and reminded me of a brunette version of Zsa Zsa Gabor. After dinner, Nathan asked me to stay and help him clean up. Piper went with Sheldon, Josh, and Roger into the grand room.

The rest said good night and headed up the stairs. Still, I was ignorant about what was coming. I helped Nathan put things away and piled dishes into the sink. We were talking about my schedule when we got to the living room. Nathan motioned me in first, and I heard him slide the heavy wood doors closed behind me.

I might have felt something, a warning bell, but it was the FedEx package on the coffee table that brought me up short. I looked at it, then up to Roger’s unreadable face. Piper had her back to the room, looking out the window. Josh and Sheldon sat on the couch opposite Roger.

“Ryan, please, have a seat,” Roger said in the voice he normally used for negotiations.

Nathan came and sat on the back of Roger’s couch, looking down at the floor and wearing an unmistakable expression of pity. I had a couch all to myself.

Alone, as always. Symbolic, but my reality. Roger leaned forward, placing his arms on his knees, and began to talk.