Fade to Black (The Black Trilogy Book 1) (11 page)

I was crying now, not standing the thought of it.

“Piper, there’s something else I need to tell you, honey. I should have told you already, but I hated to make you feel worse than you already do.”

Nana paused and reached for two Kleenex on her bedside table then placed one in my hand and blotted her eyes with the other.

“When you were found, when you were in the hospital, the doctors told me you would probably never be able to have children. Carrying a baby that young messes up your insides.”

She looked at me sadly.

“Your body withstood much damage. Matthew knew. He was with us when the doctors told us. In fact, that boy rarely left the hospital.”

She shook her head and let me take all this in.

Matthew knew. Another reason to love him. He would have married me, knowing we couldn’t have children. One more reason to hate Daniel. As if I needed another.

“Okay,” is all I could say.

She was dying. I wasn’t about to add to her pain by telling her I knew I was diseased, to the point of being a freak. Daniel told me already. No, I just listened. Nana talked and talked, until her voice was nearly hoarse.

I wasn’t to feel bad she told me or question God. I was to remain faithful that all would be well and God does all things perfectly. We sat together and talked the day away. Her wish was for me to find peace in my heart. She admitted she knew I didn’t love Jean-Paul the way a woman loves her husband, but he could take care of me and our home, if that’s what I wanted.

She said she wanted to be buried in the pale pink dress at the back of her closet. It was a dress she wore when she danced with Papaw, while still in Germany. She would write her family in her hometown and tell them good-bye.

Then there was nothing more to do but wait. I cried myself to sleep that night. I heard Nathan come into my room. He stood for a while as I pretended to sleep. I couldn’t talk to him. I was emotionally drained. Lana came over and got in my bed early the next morning. I doubted she’d even been home. We shared a joint after breakfast and spent time with Nana, playing cards and listening to her stories. When Jean-Paul arrived that weekend I was nearly shocked by how coldly he greeted me.

“I called. No one answered,” he told me flatly

“Nana isn’t well, I have barely left her room.” I began to say, but was caught off guard by his hand squeezing my arm.

“You are supposed to answer when I call,” he said through clenched jaw.

“Jean-Paul, you’re hurting me.”

I tried pulling away only to be gripped tighter. A tense moment of warning hung in the air, and I searched his face to see if he were actually serious.

The phone rang, and like someone had flipped a switch behind his eyes, Jean-Paul loosened his hold on me. For a moment I had the impression he would have slapped me had he not been interrupted. Slowly he patted my arm and smiled.

“I only worry is all, I’m sorry. I don’t know my own strength sometimes.” 

He assured me he was truly sorry and didn’t realize he had squeezed so hard. He urged me to explain what had happened during his absence. I let the incident go as the attention needed to stay on Nana. Jean-Paul sat and talked with Nana for hours. He called for me to join them for a minute, telling me that we should be married right away. I had completely forgotten my wedding plans. My graduation. Life was on hold. All that mattered was Nana. I agreed not at all certain what I was agreeing to.

We, or Jean-Paul rather, decided we’d get married the following Sunday after church. I wanted Nana to be with me on my wedding day. I wanted to give her peace as she was leaving me. I told myself it was the right thing to do. Nathan grudgingly agreed. He had sores all over his arms. He tried to keep them covered, but I saw them when he was shirtless in front of the mirror. When I asked what they were, he said he had had an allergic reaction to a cleaner.

I left it at that, but something was definitely up with him. Truth is, none of us paid attention to much of anything but Nana. She was all that mattered, as we were all that mattered to her.

Jean-Paul and I were married that Sunday. We had a small, simple ceremony. Lana was my bridesmaid, and Maurice was the best man. Papaw walked me down to the pastor on the porch of our home. Nathan hovered in the doorway in a sour mood. We said our vows in front of our little family. When all was done, I helped Nana back to bed. I wanted her to rest and preserve her strength.

On my way down the steps, standing in the front doorway, looking as if he were out of place was Josh. Happiness flooded me, nearly knocking me to my knees.

“Josh!” I screamed and leaped into his open arms.

I knew I missed him, but I had no idea how much till that moment. He squeezed me tight, and buried his face in my hair. Of all the chaos and upside down way life was leading me, that moment in those huge arms, was my normal. Josh was the only thing that made perfect sense to me.

“God, Piper, you’re gorgeous!” he said holding me at arm’s length, and I beamed, drunk on his sweet smell.

“I’ve missed you so much, Josh. Please tell me you’re staying for a while.”

He smiled at me, looking for an instant like his older brother, making my heart ache.

“For a while, yes. Practice starts up soon, but for now, I’m yours,” he said, and I hugged him again.

Foolishly, I began to cry on his shoulders. Josh felt my body wilt and hugged me tighter.

“Hey, what’s wrong? I thought you’d be happy to see me,” he said in my ear.

“Oh my God, Josh. I am so happy you’re here.” I sobbed now shaking.

Josh held me until I finally calmed. Pulling away he kissed my forward and raised a rough hand to wipe my cheek.

“Feel better?” he teased.

“A little.” I smiled and wiped my eyes.

When finally I was cleaned up I led Josh to the grand room, where a few guests remained. I detected a note of ice when Jean-Paul greeted Josh. It was strange to me, because I was so used to his kindness.

Jean-Paul never once showed indifference, but I saw a glimpse of it then. Josh must’ve ignored it, certainly wasn’t bothered by it. We got caught up on his parents and grandpa. He and Nathan talked about projects that were coming up. Josh would attend the University of Florida.

“It’ll be nice to play in the South Eastern Conference,” he said with pride.

I looked out of one of the huge windows in our grand room. My heart longed for Matthew. We would be married now, or close to it. He could have studied Nana’s cancer and come up with a cure. The world lost a wise and unique man when Matthew left us.

What was wrong with me? I’d just married a man, and here I was still grieving another. Josh touched my cheek with the back of his hand. I looked at him, tears in my eyes now. We carried the same sorrow. I wore it like a coat most days, and now Nana was leaving me too.

I had to admit I felt better with Josh near. I learned some of their family property was being sold. Old Mr. Logue refused to sell to anyone who had any plans other than farming the land.

“He’s stubborn, but I can’t blame him,” Josh told me.

After Nana woke from napping, Josh sat with her a while. I stayed in the hallway and listened as they talked about me.

“She’s tough as nails, Josh, but her heart is as soft as cotton,” Nana was saying.

Josh chuckled.

“Yes ma’am. Piper is special for sure,” Josh said, and I had to grin at the sarcasm in his voice.

“You’ll check on her from time to time? Make sure she’s happy and safe?” Nana asked seriously.

“I promise, Mrs. Mitchell. I will,” Josh told her, as if taking a vow.

I rolled my eyes at this, but it didn’t bother me. It was only natural Nana wanted some reassurance of my safety.

“I have a funny feeling, Josh,” Nana started.

Then she had to stop and catch her breath. It tore at my heart to hear her struggle, and I had to fight the urge to go in the room.

“I can’t put my finger on it, but I have a strange feeling about Jean-Paul. Like he’s got demons he has to fight or something,” Nana told Josh in a low voice. “You mustn’t think me a crazy person. I just want you to be aware of it.”

Josh then spoke in a low voice, and I had to strain to hear it.

“I’ve never spoke of this, ma’am, but he’s a bit odd to me. Piper ever mentioned anything unusual?”

Now I was feeling paranoid. What were they seeing in Jean-Paul that I wasn’t? I absently touched my arm knowing the answer.

“Oh, Lana has been giving Piper medicine to help her not feel so worried all the time. Piper will eventually have to start feeling again. She’s such a good girl. If she thinks him anything other than a gentleman, I don’t know about it,” Nana said.

Before I could hear how Josh would respond to that, Papaw called for me from the kitchen. I tiptoed away from the doorway.

Truth was, I was unnerved by Nana knowing I was taking pills, and the funny feeling, almost of confirmation, about how Jean-Paul was perceived by both Nana and Josh.

I had to store that away to think about later because Papaw had nearly set the kitchen on fire using the microwave. He was trying new things, at least new to him, and for now, he was proving that you really can’t teach an old dog new tricks. I sighed and patiently began to explain why a metal cup can’t be placed in a microwave.

chapter fifteen

Before we said good-bye, Josh handed me a piece of paper.

“This is yours,” he told me smiling.

Excited, I opened and read. I read and reread.

“What’s this mean, Josh?”

I understood what it said, but I didn’t understand why I was reading it.

“It’s yours, Piper. My parents wanted you to have it. It joins your land anyway, so no big deal.”

He shrugged and pretended not to notice my tears. I hugged him, crying hard on his shoulder.

“Hey, now, you’re going to ruin the threads,” he teased me.

“Thank you. Please tell your parents and Mr. Logue thank you. It’s too much really.”

He kissed my forehead, and I watched him go, wishing with all my heart he would stay. As soon as the door had shut behind him, I ran up the stairs to Nana’s room to show her what I had.

I knocked softly and opened the door not waiting on a reply.

“Guess what,” I said, waving the paper around.

“You got a puppy,” she said with a giggle.

“No. The Logues gave me the blue barn!” I said, as if I’d just won the lottery.

Nana’s face went soft.

“Oh, Piper. That is so nice of them.” She put on her glasses and read the property note. The barn and the land between it and our land was mine. She looked up with tears in her eyes.

“They always wanted you to find your way home. Then and now,” she said, smiling.

This pronouncement made me sad.

“I’m not lost now, Nana. I’m where I’m supposed to be. I’m married and I’m home with you and Papaw. I’m happy, so, please, don’t worry anymore,” I tried to convince her.

By the way she eyed me, I could tell she was still unconvinced.

“Are you? I want to believe you married for love, but I know you too good to believe that. Tell me, love.” She placed a cold hand on mine, and said, “Tell me, what’s going through your head right now.”

I folded my property note and set it aside. I lay down beside my Nana and told her the truth, or most of it.

“I tried to look ahead and prepare for what’s real. If I had to keep up the land by myself, I couldn’t. I want to make for certain that you and Papaw are okay. Financially taken care of.”

I couldn’t admit that I didn’t love Jean-Paul, at least not out loud, because I had said vows that made that a sin.

“Matthew is all I ever planned on. He was my one true love, and he’s gone. Never coming back. I guess I thought Jean-Paul is the best I’ll ever get, and he has the means to take care of our land, so we won’t ever have to lose it.”

I felt better now that I had confessed this to her. Nana turned slightly and asked me to look at her. Our lives were so consumed with her cancer, her medications, and nurse visits that it wasn’t until Josh visited that I realized Nana felt we did not include her in our lives anymore, and this was the very reason why she had wanted to keep her sickness from us.

My telling her what she already knew reinforced her place in my life, the way it should be. Nana coughed and sipped her water before she responded.

“Piper, do you believe in love?”

I nodded

“I used to, but I’ve already had my one true love.”

Nana signed sadly.

“I loved a boy once, before Nathaniel. I know what you mean, but I’m where I am supposed to be. Not because I was told to be. This world,” and she gestured broadly to the ceiling, “will try and put you in a box. This is that way, and that is this way, and so on and so on. Piper, you do what you want and nothing else. If you do the things that the world expects of you, there will be no evolving into the woman God put you here to be.”

Nana paused to catch her breath. I wanted desperately to give her relief from the smothering effects of her cancer. It was robbing her of life. I was helpless, useless, as I watched the days take her slowly from us all. She waved away my offer of water.

“Do you understand what I’m telling you?” she asked in earnest.

I nodded. “I think so,” I said, but Nana shook her head.

“My family disowned me when I divorced my first husband.”

I frowned.

“What?” I asked, shocked.

Nana nodded.

“I married the man my family wanted me to. I did love him, or thought I did. It lasted maybe six months, and I got out of there. Turned out he liked boys better than me, and my family, especially my mother, thought I should keep my mouth shut and live with it.” Nana shrugged. “I was with my father the day I met your papaw, trying to earn a place in the family again. I was trying to be a good daughter. That fact is, if I’d stayed with my first husband I’d never have left Germany, and I’d never know these hills, or you, love.” Nana smiled causing the creases around her mouth to deepen.

“You’ve never told me this. Why?”

Nana’s eyebrows rose.

“Because it’s neither here nor there. It was non-essential information, at least until now. I fear you have married young because you felt it was the ‘right’ thing to do. I’m not saying I know your heart, love, I’m only saying, don’t ever pass up an opportunity to live, and I mean
live
. Love, you haven’t been living lately. Those pills have you so numb, I’m not sure you know how you feel,” she said this gently, without judgment.

I looked down at my hands, ashamed.

“I’m sorry, Nana,” was all I could say.

“Promise me, Piper, that you will live? You will laugh and cry. You will dance and sing in the rain? You’re here for a reason.”

She placed her finger on the old bedspread, and I took her meaning. “Here” meant breathing, lucky to be alive. I nodded, but said nothing.

“You will stop numbing yourself with pills?” she asked, and I promised, meaning it.

I felt guilty the last few weeks whenever I took something. That was a feeling I’d never associated with my “medicine” as Lana called it.

“What should I do, Nana? I’m married. Are you saying I shouldn’t stay that way?” I asked, confused now.

“No, love, I’m saying you need to do what you feel. It may be you love Jean-Paul, but I don’t think you have allowed yourself to know what you feel.” She brushed a hair from my eye. “You don’t deliver babies because I wanted you to, do you?”

I shook my head, “No. I do it because I love it.”

Nana smiled. “Just as long as it’s what
you
want, love, and the same goes for your marriage. Just take the time to feel, Piper. That’s all I’m asking.”

I hugged her, noting how small she felt.

“I will, Nana. I promise.”

Papaw came in then. I wasn’t sure if he had heard the conversation or not, but he gave me a meaningful look.

“I’ll let you rest now, Nana,” I told her, and went to check on the kitchen.

              Nana was cheerful and sprite. I would listen, as she and Papaw talked at night. Just rumbles through the closed door, but I knew them enough to know they were enjoying their time together. They were old friends, as well as lovers. They’d had over forty years together. They buried their only child, and raised their grandchildren as their own.

I knew Jean-Paul and I would never be this way. I accepted it. We just didn’t have what you would call a loving relationship. It was very formal. I would take the time to get to know my feelings about him. I owed it to him. I had taken the plunge, so now it was sink or swim.

We agreed to put off our honeymoon until a more fitting time. This included the sex. We would wait until we had time to spend with each other which was fine with me. I was taking care of Nana now, while running a house and delivering babies. I had enough credits to graduate, and I opted out of the ceremony. I made house calls to expectant mothers, but for the most part, I wanted them to be here in the birthing room.

It was neither an everyday thing, nor an every week thing. It was however, enough to keep me busy. I was trying not to take so many pills, or smoke as much weed. I wanted to be alert while I took care of Nana, and I had made her a promise.

I took a little less each day, to help with the cravings my body would feel. Lana was telling me almost daily now that she was leaving town soon. I was aware that she was waiting until Nana was gone, and I loved my friend more for staying with me through it. I knew who would sell me what drugs if I wanted them, when I no longer had Lana running for me. When she would bring up leaving, I would ignore her, not being able to think of anything but Nana right now.

Nana was a little worse each day. I couldn’t stand the thought of her leaving me. In May, the doctor sent a nurse to the house who hooked her up to a morphine drip. This kept the worst of the pain from Nana, and I could see just moving was excruciating. I hated for her to have the needles in her, but took comfort in her not hurting as much.

At the end of the month, my graduation came and went without me. I had not been to school since the night at the ER. Instead, I received my license to practice as a certified midwife. Nana beamed with pride, knowing her life’s work would continue through me.

I did not bring up the not being able to have babies because when I told Jean-Paul this news he simply smiled and said, “Well, I always wanted my bloodline to end with me anyway.”

I thought this odd, but he was odd to me in general, so I didn’t dwell on it. He hugged me, and told me we could adopt.

One night, I talked to Nana about the cold feeling Jean-Paul gave me from time to time.

“Friendship grows and trust grows, but love is evident from the beginning. It will grow ever stronger and deeper. Love is not something to hope for, but what is.” She looked at me, worried. “You don’t love him.” She shook her head. “You will love again, and it will be evident from the start. There is no substitute, Piper.” She said this very matter-of-factly.

I didn’t love Jean-Paul. I thought I did, but I only loved what he could give me. He was kind to me and could provide for me the kind of life I would accept in substitute for what I couldn’t have, now that Matthew was dead. What a mess. We talked a little longer, and then Papaw was ready for bed. I hugged and kissed them both.

As usual, I listened to their muffled voices well into the night. My head wasn’t so fuzzy, and the sharpness was beginning to fill my heart with dread. I had to feel, to live, and right now I didn’t want to feel anything. Yet I fought the urge to step outside and smoke or drink.

Finally after what felt like hours, I slept, uneasy with my newfound understanding. I woke after what seemed like only five minutes of sleep. I sat up sweating and breathing heavy. I felt Daniel’s hands on me. Someone said my name. I listened hard to make sure I wasn’t dreaming.

“Piper?” Papaw was saying from the hall.

“Yes?” I called back shaking all over now.

“Piper, honey, come. She’s going.”

I jumped out of bed, my mind chanting
No. No. No. No. No. No. No
. I got to the room and saw Papaw lift Nana’s hand to his face. He looked up at me, tears streaming.

“Get your brother,” he said, in a still, quiet voice.

Nana’s eyes were open, and her breathing was labored. I flew downstairs to the grand room.

“Nathan!”

He didn’t answer. I saw him asleep by the light of the TV.

“Nathan!” I screamed again, but got no answer.

I hit him in the chest hard.

“Nathan!” He finally stirred. “Nana’s dying!” I screamed and headed back upstairs.

I heard him fumbling to get up the stairs behind me. The scene in the bedroom had not changed. Papaw still sat, holding Nana’s hand to his face. My throat squeezed shut. I put my hand to my mouth so as not to scream. One thing I had heard many times in the last few weeks. When it was time, it was time. We were not to rob her of a peaceful exit.

I shook, standing by the bed, trying to control myself. Nathan held me to his chest, as I quietly sobbed. Lana came in the door. I absently thought she must have either been with Nathan or in my bed without me knowing. I held out my hand to her, as Nana lay motionless, her breath rattling. Lana cried with me. I stood on one side of Nathan, and she on the other. Papaw was statue-still, weeping without moving.

We stood, the family Nana loved so dearly. Papaw stroked her hair, and a tear slid from her eye.

“Be at peace, my darling. Be at peace. I will see you soon,” Papaw whispered.

Nana tried to grin, but the muscles around her mouth no longer cooperated. Then she slipped away. Her eyes slightly parted. The trace of her tears was still visible, and she was gone, gone to be reunited with my dad, gone to my dead baby, gone to Matthew, gone to be with Jesus. Gone from me forever.