Fade (33 page)

The little wolf yapped, sounding outraged. The sound was childlike, and not even the monster pacing beside him overwhelmed the humanity of the emotion behind the sound.

I giggled.

Buka huffed again and then quieted, looking to Kalei.

Dace cocked his head to the side, listening to a conversation I couldn’t hear. Once again, I got the feeling if I listened hard enough, I’d be able to hear it. I knew I wouldn’t though. My wolf was buried too deeply.

Dace looked at me. “Kalei says it’s time.”

The wolves broke into ranks as he said the words, causing a space to open between them. I saw then what I hadn’t before.

“How did they—?” I started forward, pacing wide of my would-be killer. I stopped awkwardly as I neared the fallen member of the pack. “Why did they—?”

“They wanted you to be here for this,” Dace said.

Buka whined from behind him, subdued.

“They weren’t sure you would come to the pond because of me, so they had me bring him to you,” he said, his mouth turning down slightly. “Had it not been for that, they wouldn’t have let me through to you tonight.”

That phrase again. Wouldn’t let him. Had he needed their permission then?

“Of course I would have come,” I told Buka, pushing thoughts of Dace aside and glancing over my shoulder at her. “But why?”

“You cared for him when he needed you, even though you didn’t know him. To them, that’s the same as claiming him as a pack mate,” Dace said.

“Oh.” I gazed down at the wolf and then smiled over my shoulder at Kalei, remembering what Dace had said about animals caring for those from another species. “Thank you.” I still didn’t understand their rules, but I sensed the honor they were showing me by allowing me to accept their brother as a pack mate even though my own wolf remained locked away somewhere deep inside.

Kalei gave me that regal nod and rose to her feet, Buka following. They padded toward us, the others falling in line behind them. As they neared their fallen brother, they formed a circle around him, including me and Dace naturally.

“What’s his name?” I whispered, needing to hear it out loud.

“Chiran,” he said.

I repeated the name softly, tears pricking at my eyes.

Dace squeezed my fingers, offering comfort.

Something subtle and yet very definitely there shifted around us. The wolves went still. The forest seemed to fall silent like it had yesterday. The faint light dimmed, the last of the sun dipping below the horizon.

One by one, each member of the pack lifted his or her muzzle skyward. Kalei howled one long, mournful cry. Goosebumps broke out along my arms at the melancholy sound.

I could find no rhyme or reason to when the others joined their voices to hers, but they did.

That same mournful song from yesterday rose around us, chasing the sun as it said goodbye to the day. The sound swelled, dipped, and then rose higher. Dace and his wolf were still not back in my mind, but I knew they were singing for their fallen brother too.

I ached to sing with them.

The pack fell silent, the notes seeming to hang in the air in a final, lasting farewell. One by one, they stepped forward, touched their foreheads to Chiran’s, huffed a small sigh, then loped to the edge of the trees rimming the little bubble of clear space.

The wolf song ended on a whisper as Fuki took his turn.

Kalei and Buka were the last to say goodbye to their brother. They approached together, stepping forward as one and lifting their muzzles to the sky. They drew breath and screamed. The entire little natural haven seemed to respond to the heartbreaking sound. Unseen birds chattered, unseen animals cried. Even the trees seemed to lean forward and rustle in response. Nature itself was saying goodbye to one of its own.

I was awed, honored, and heartbroken. I cried silently while Kalei and Buka let loose the howl I could not.

When their screaming farewell died, Buka and Kalei touched their heads to Chiran’s as the rest of the pack had done. Then they stepped back, sat on their haunches, and waited.

I stepped forward, certain they waited for me. Dace walked beside me, never letting go of my hand and never faltering.

My tears fell faster.

I dropped to my knees beside Chiran’s lifeless body.

Dace kneeled with me as I lifted one hand and stroked it down Chiran’s cold muzzle. I wanted to say something, but no words seemed adequate after what I’d been allowed to witness. I remained silent instead, my head bowed over this lovely wolf I hadn’t known and who hadn’t deserved to die like he had.

“Goodbye, Chiran,” I whispered, my voice cracking. My hand fell to my side.

Dace leaned forward, one hand still holding mine tightly. “We’ll meet again, brother,” he said. He laid his hand upon Chiran’s neck and stroked gently, his head bowed in grief, and his sad goodbye echoing around us as the pack’s had.

That simple farewell pierced my heart as surely as the packs’ dirge had. I leaned into him, offering comfort and taking it in return. I was no longer angry with him. I couldn’t be when he grieved so openly.

He wrapped his arm around me, his head still bowed.

The pack slipped away silently as Dace mourned, leaving us alone with Chiran. Shadows lengthened and full night bloomed. Finally, Dace sighed, his hand falling to his side. He lifted me to my feet as he rose, his arm still wrapped around me.

“Should we bury him?” I whispered, not sure of the proper protocol.

“Wolves don’t bury their kin,” Dace said, his voice thick with unshed tears. “They leave their fallen, allowing their bodies to replenish what they take from nature in each life.”

“Oh.” Wolves believed in reincarnation. Given everything I’d learned in the last weeks, I wasn’t quite sure why that hadn’t dawned on me previously, but it hadn’t.

We started back the way we’d come, neither speaking. So much needed to be said between us, but I didn’t know where to begin. I wasn’t sure I wanted to begin, not right away. The day had already been too emotionally draining for any more sadness or anger.

Chapter Twenty-Three

W
e made it all the way back to the house without saying a word. I hesitated on the bottom step, not sure what to do. Not sure if this was goodbye.

“May I come in?” Dace asked.

I nodded, grateful for the momentary reprieve.

He gave me a half-smile, moving aside for me to climb the steps to the porch.

I retrieved my book, then turned down the stove before passing into the kitchen. Dace followed along, not speaking.

My dad had clipped a note to the fridge.

“Dad’s at the Inn with Melinda,” I said, scanning the few lines on the paper. My stomach somersaulted.

“Good,” Dace said, the simple word dark, thick.

I turned to find him directly behind me, so close I leaned away instinctively before I could stop myself.

Some emotion flashed across his face at my reaction, there and then gone so quickly I couldn’t identify the feeling contained in the fleeting look. He stepped closer, his eyes boring into mine as he braced his hands on the counter on either side of me, trapping me. My stomach tightened when he leaned down over me, his breath a gentle breeze across my cheek.

I shivered, and some new emotion flared in his eyes.

He bent his head towards mine so slowly that I stopping breathing for a minute. He stopped short of kissing me though, his lips hovering over mine.

“You have no idea how hard I struggled yesterday because of you,” he whispered, his lips brushing feather light across mine.

“I didn’t do anything,” I whispered back, the choked response all I could get out through the riotous sensation winding its way through me. My gaze locked on his, the green lights in his eyes burning me, and I couldn’t look away. I stood, frozen, his sweet breath scorching my lips.

“Ah, but you did.” His lips brushed across mine as he spoke.

I let go of the afghan still wrapped around my shoulders and grasped the cabinet instead, needing the support. My body quivered.

“I was so proud of you,” he said against my lips. “And so very, very angry with you.” His eyes clouded. A muscle in his cheek jumped. “Chiran’s scent covered you.” Fury flashed in his eyes like yesterday. His voice dropped lower, became darker. “I was so proud of you for easing him into death like you did, but some part of me—not the wolf, but
me
—minded that his scent covered you instead of mine.”

I swallowed hard, my eyes still riveted to his face. My hands gripped the cabinet so hard, I was sure they would scream in pain any minute. I couldn’t seem to find the ability to loosen my grip though. What was this beautiful boy doing to me?

“I wanted to claim you right there, whether you wanted it or not, and regardless of the fact that you were in no such condition,” he continued.

His whispered confession felt like soft velvet across my skin.

Breathless anticipation swelled up and crashed through me.

“I wanted you to know who you belonged to. Not the wolf, but
me
.”

My heart sped up, but not in fear. I struggled to breathe, inhaling air into my lungs in fits and starts as understanding dawned. He didn’t blame me at all. That’s not what his behavior yesterday was about. I hadn’t even considered that Chiran’s blood on me would have caused a problem. I probably should have after the way he’d reacted when Buka marked me, but the thought hadn’t even crossed my mind.

“I can still smell him on you,” Dace said, his tongue darting out to trace along my bottom lip. “I’m animal enough that I mind.” His tone was all possessive, velvety perfection. “You should smell like me, Arionna. I know I don’t deserve it, but I want it anyway. I want you so much I can’t think.”

“You hurt me,” I whispered through the whirlwind of emotion twisting through me. I felt like I stood on a precipice, centimeters from tumbling over the ledge. The biggest part of me wanted to let go and fall. I wanted his apology to be enough. I wanted the way I felt trapped between him and the cabinet to be enough, but I needed more than that. I couldn’t let the way he made me feel, breathless and on fire, override what little sense of self-preservation I had left, no matter how much I wanted to do exactly that.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered back, guilt and remorse filling his eyes even as he swept his tongue along my bottom lip again. “You terrify me, love. You think I push you away because you aren’t strong enough, but that’s not true. It’s because I’m not strong enough for you. You’re so much braver than you think you are, so much stronger.” He pressed his forehead to mine as he spoke. “But I see your grief in your mind, Arionna. I feel it in you. I feel your fear and confusion, and your doubt. How am I supposed to add to that when all I want to do is protect you from it? You want me to let you in, but I’m scared that it’s going to make this harder for you. That what I want from you will scare you or hurt you. I want to protect you from me too, love.”

I think my heart stopped completely at his confession. “You can’t protect me from everything, Dace,” I said. “You aren’t going to hurt me, and neither is the wolf. You have to let go and trust that. Trust me, if not yourself.”

“I don’t know how. What if you get hurt? If you’re wrong about the wolf, he could kill you.
We
could kill you. How can I risk that?” He shook his head against mine, seeming so torn, almost broken, before he pulled back to look at me again. “You were so brave yesterday, and I was so angry. The thought that I could hurt you, that the wolf would get out and hurt you, terrified me.” The depth of his fear shone in his eyes. “Every thought in my head belongs to you, Arionna. They have since the moment I saw you across the quad. You belong to me. How can I risk losing you when the thought alone kills me?”

“You just do, Dace. You have to let go,” I said. He worried so much about losing me that he didn’t even realize he was already losing me. He’d hurt me yesterday, and I couldn’t do that again. I understood yesterday had been hard for him, but that didn’t give him the right to walk away without explanation. He had to understand that much, at least. I didn’t expect a miracle from him. I knew things wouldn’t change overnight. I only expected a little help. “Please, let go and let me in.”

“I’m trying to let you in. I’m trying so hard, but I’m terrified you’re going to walk away in the end. Not because you aren’t strong enough, but because I’m not. I can’t let you go, Arionna. I can’t.” His voice cracked. He closed his eyes briefly, his breath fanning across my face as he took a shaky breath. “Give me time. Please?”

He said the word like he always did, as if his entire world hinged upon my answer. How could I say no to that? How could I refuse him when I wanted time as much as he did? If he could try, so could I. I had to, because I knew I wasn’t falling for him. I’d already fallen. Tumbled headlong into us, into him.

I nodded.

His sigh of relief danced through me like a healing wind. So did the jubilant, predatory look in his eyes. “I need to feel you,” he whispered. “I need to show you … .”

My legs trembled as he brushed his mouth in a line across my jaw and down to the pulse at my throat. His teeth nipped gently at my skin, a little punishment and a little reward for what I’d done yesterday, I think. I groaned in pure ecstasy.