Facade (18 page)

But I have to tell him. After what just happened, something that I will always treasure, I almost feel dirty. It was like he somehow knew and tried to clean it from me but couldn’t because it’s my secret sin he doesn’t know about.

I wipe my eyes, trying to hold all these feelings at bay. I have to tell him and I don’t deserve to cry before I do it.

“She stands amongst the stars of night…”

When I hear his voice, I jump but don’t turn around. I can’t.

“They look back at her and envy her light. For none of those stars shine as bright as she…”

I don’t move. His words are beautiful music in my head.

“That’s all I can think of right now,” he adds. I don’t know what it is about those words, but they break me. All I can think of is it’s perfect exactly how it is. He doesn’t need more, because I don’t think it can get any better.

I can’t hold back the cry that pulls out of me. It’s not loud and I bury my face in my hand, but still he knows. I feel him behind me, so close but not reaching for me.

“I’m sorry.”

I hate that he thinks I’m crying because of what we did. He might not be able to touch me right now, but I need my hands on him. I turn, grab him around the neck, and bury my face into his chest.

“It’s not because of what we did. I loved being with you.”

Finally he holds me back, squeezes me to him. Probably because I’m breaking down, but the reason doesn’t matter.

“Adrian… I…”

“Shhh. It’s okay.”

Without knowing it, he saves me from telling him I know about Ashton. That my father ruined their lives.

We stand together, holding each other for what feels like hours. Adrian turns to the side so we can both look out the window and watch the stars.

“You’re wrong,” I whisper. “It’s not me who shines so bright. It’s you.”

He doesn’t answer, but I could swear the beat of his heart picks up against my cheek.

No matter what’s going on around me, I’ve always known one thing. I show what I want to whoever I want to see it, but my thoughts have always been mine. I may not like where they go sometimes, but I’m good at keeping them locked in there and knowing what they mean.

Right now I have all sorts of shit taking space inside my brain and I don’t know what half of it means. I don’t like that—the loss of control or the mixed feelings and they all stem from the beautiful, naked girl lying upstairs in bed.

I don’t like to be scared. I spent my childhood living in fear and under the control of my dad. I keep my feelings in check because getting close means being afraid and losing that control. The only people I let go with were Angel and Ashton and then I let Ash die and ran from Angel. It’s been easy to keep my distance since then. Even with Colt and Cheyenne, they don’t really know me.

I think I want my little ghost to know me.

I think she already does.

She knows my words, which are part of my soul, a part I’ve never willingly let anyone else see, yet I show them to her. I write them for her. She knows those parts of me—the only parts of me that aren’t a lie.

Would she still be here if she knew the rest?

“Hey, you. You disappeared.”

I turn toward the sound of her voice, rough with sleep. She’s in her pajamas as she approaches me in the corner of the lobby.

There’s a lie there. An excuse waiting to come out, but in this, this one little thing, I choose to give her a truth. At least as much as I can. “Sometimes there’s so much shit going on up here”—I tap the side of my head—“that I have to have some space… or be alone so I can work through it.”

Which probably makes me sound like an asshole. Or weak, but she doesn’t look at me with either of those feelings in her eyes. Not really pity either. Just understanding tinged with sadness.

“Oh… okay. I’ll go back upstairs, then. I don’t want to—”

“Come here.” Looking at her, all sexy from sleep, her lips swollen from my kisses and her skin blushed with red, probably from remembering what we did last night, I wonder why I ever left her. Why I didn’t lose myself in her again instead of everything in my head.

She steps closer. I’m leaning against the wall and I pull her to me. She fits right up against me and damned if she doesn’t quiet some of the voices.
Tell her you don’t want space from her.

Instead, I tilt her head up and kiss her. She tastes like cinnamon toothpaste and melts against me, making me smile against her mouth. My hands fit perfectly on her waist as I let my fingers slightly bite into her skin.

“What are you doing to me?” I ask into her ear before pulling away. She opens her mouth as if to reply, but I shake my head. I needed the question out there so she knows what I’m feeling, but I can’t contemplate the answer. Can’t let myself think about the fact that she’s here and I want her to be or that I’m holding her and kissing her when usually those aren’t the things that are important when I’m with a girl. It’s all about the act, but with her it doesn’t feel like an act and that’s another thing that scares the hell out of me, that I don’t want to think about right now.

“What do you want to do today?” I ask her. It’s not like there’s probably that much to do around here, but I want to do something with her. She’s the girl with ghosts in her eyes, but she’s the most level person I know. She deserves a good day and I want one—to pretend I’m just as level as she is.

“Nothing.”

“What?” I kiss her neck as though I have a right to kiss her when I want to. I know I can’t give her more than this. I’ve never wanted to with anyone else. Those things aren’t inside me anymore, but for another day, I think I’d like to pretend. To wear a different façade than the one usually in place. “Nothing?”

I let one of my hands travel up her body and stroke the soft skin of her neck.

“Okay… maybe… I can’t think when you do that.” Her voice is breathy, the way I like it.

“Fine.” I pull back so my mouth isn’t tempted to taste her again, but keep my hands on her.

“Maybe not nothing, but… why don’t we just hang out? Walk around? It’s more of an adventure if you don’t plan it.” She looks down as though those words embarrass her.

“I love how real you are.” I brush my thumb cross her cheek. “You’re honest, but also… so fucking innocent. You’re different than the other girls I know.” She makes me want to be honest with her.

She closes her eyes, making me think I said the wrong thing. Did the wrong thing. “What’s wrong, Little Ghost?”

Delaney opens her eyes, shadows creeping in on them. For the first time since I was a dumb-ass kid, I want to try and win a battle for someone. I never could growing up, so I learned to stop trying. I don’t like those shadows in her eyes and I wonder if it would be worth it to try again. To go to war with whatever plagues her because at least
someone
I care about should be happy. Since it won’t be me, I think I’d like it to be her.

“I’m not that honest.”

That’s what she thinks. Her little white lies can’t compare to the ones I live every day.

“Neither am I, so I can’t fault you for that. But you’re innocent and it’s sexy as hell.”

It’s so strange, being with her like this. Being with anyone like this. What I just told her sounds like a line, one I would have used on another girl, but with her it’s true. The words come out without having to think about them or plan them or paste that fake-ass smile on my face.

“Oh God. I can’t believe this is happening.” She covers her face with her hands. It’s still pretty early in the morning, so even though we’re in the lobby of the hotel, it’s empty.

“I never expected…” She shakes her head.

I feel her pulling away. This is where I should open my hands and let her go. Set her free because she deserves to fly and I never will, but instead I touch her hands, gently prying them away from her face. “Don’t think. Don’t stress. Just… laugh until those ghosts disappear from your eyes. They do, ya know? They’re not always there. I can’t make promises, but we’re here now. Let’s just…” Ashton slips his way into my head.

“I Adrian… you Ash.”

“No, no.” I shake my head at him. “You’re Ash.”

“Let’s play. I wanna be like you.”

I remember standing there in awe because this little guy wanted to be me. No one ever envied me for anything. Girls wanted me, Dad liked to hit me, Angel protected me, but here was this little kid who wanted to
be
me. It was fucking incredible.

“Let’s pretend to be someone else. Pretend we don’t have anything to worry about except right now.” And I need that. I didn’t think I needed anything anymore, but standing here, I realize I do.

“Okay.”

“I’ll make sure you don’t regret it,” I say against her ear. She shivers and it transfers to me. Damn this girl affects me.

We go upstairs to our room. “I need to take a shower,” she tells me.

Yeah. That sounds good to me too. “Want some company?” I ask, and damned if she doesn’t blush.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea if we want to get out of here.”

There’s something else to her voice that tells me not to push it. It has nothing to do with being out of here on time because we don’t have a specific time to go anywhere. She has her boundaries, just like I do, only mine aren’t physical.

I nod, without breaking eye contact so she knows I’m hearing her. I learned that growing up. Even if I don’t understand something or I know it’s a lie, or on those rare occasions I get it and it’s real, look someone in the eye when it’s important. When Mom was hurt, she could never do that. That’s how I knew it was a lie, even if the bruises couldn’t be seen.

While she takes a shower, I unwrap my hand. It’s healed enough that I don’t need to keep the bandage on anymore. Even though my eye isn’t as purple as it was, I still have the strike against me. Having my hand bandaged feels like another one. It’s one of those signs that something’s wrong that people notice but don’t fucking act on.

I don’t want to look like that when I’m with her.

I shower after she does. I come out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around my waist. Delaney’s standing by the mirror, looking into the glass, but I know she’s really waiting on me. It’s in the way she stands and the way she turns to look my way and fuck if I don’t get hard seeing her look at me all innocent in nothing but a bra and a pair of jeans.

“What?” I ask her.

“That was ridiculous, right? We had sex last night and we both needed to shower. I could have…”

“Don’t.” I step toward her and she looks up at me. This girl does something to me. Makes my gut twist and makes me feel on edge. I’m not stupid enough not to understand it. Not to get that I’m falling for her when I’ve never fallen for anyone else in my life, but I know I have nothing to give her either. Not permanently.

“Don’t what?” she asks.

“Don’t ever feel like you have to do something because I want it, okay? If I’m pushing you, tell me to fuck off and don’t ever feel bad about that. I’ll respect the hell out of you for it.”

I know it’s Dad’s fault and I will always hate the bastard for what he did to Mom, but there’s a part of me who’s angry at Mom too. I don’t get why she couldn’t tell him no. Why she couldn’t sneak away with me and Angel the same way my sister had the guts to leave. Even when I flirt or make my intentions obvious, I never want a girl to think I’m pushing myself on her, the way Dad did with Mom.

“I know you would never try to force me into doing something I don’t want to. It just feels…”

“Like it doesn’t matter.” I trace the swells of her breasts with my fingers. Palm their heavy weight, covered by cool satin. “We have time, if you want to. If not… well, hopefully you’ll let me have a taste again. Will you, Little Ghost?” I pinch her nipples and she cries out. “Will you let me?”

“Yes…”

Jesus, she’s hot. I kiss her forehead, then her lips. “If you want to leave this hotel room, you really need to get dressed right now.”

Then she fucking giggles and it’s so crazy. I’ve never been one to go for girls who giggle, but it’s different with her. And even though she’s happy, I know she still has clouds in her life. She doesn’t smile as much as she should and damned if it doesn’t feel good to give her that. I’m suddenly trying to think of ways to do it again, which is just another of those strange things I have to file away in my brain.

“So sweet… so innocent,” I tell her before I pretend to nip at her neck, which makes her laugh again before backing up. As much as I want to keep going, to kiss her again, I don’t.

We make it out of the hotel a few minutes later. We’re in one of those little towns that look perfect like the one I grew up in. I wonder what secrets it hides, because they all have them.

It’s cold, so we’re both bundled up. There’s a sign on a pole outside a Winter Celebration, and even though I’ve never been to something like that in my life, and I’m honestly not real excited about the idea right now, I think it’s something she would like.

“What about this?” I ask. Happiness eclipses any of the remaining shadows in her eyes and I know I asked the right question.

“Really?” she asks, and she looks so fucking happy that it almost makes me feel happy too. Or maybe it does and it’s too hard for me to admit it, but I think I’d do just about anything to hold on to that feeling.

He’s smiling and I wonder if he notices. It sends this electric sort of feeling through me. Like I’ve been shot through the heart with a lightning bolt, but it doesn’t hurt. It shocks me to life and makes me feel more alive than I ever have.

This feeling can’t be wrong. What I’m doing can’t be wrong if it makes him smile so pure. If it makes me feel like this. But I know that’s not completely true. I need to tell him. The words are there in my mouth and on my tongue all the time, but I can’t make myself push them out because I’m scared of losing him and scared of hurting him when all I want is for him to be okay. It might have begun as a hope of absolution for my family, but that’s not what it’s about anymore. It’s about the man standing in front of me and the warmth that spreads through me when I’m with him and the jolts he shocks into my heart.