Facade (17 page)

What am I doing here? I’m scared to death this is wrong. That all I’m going to do is make things worse. I don’t have a right to be here… but I want to. Want to more than I ever thought I would. There’s something about Adrian that feels good. Feels right. I see the pain in his eyes and I want to extinguish it. To fight it until there’s nothing left to hurt him.

But it’s more than that, too, and that’s what scares me. I told him I like him, but the warmth he spreads through my chest and the pull I feel toward him are more than that. I can’t even blame that thread anymore. It’s just… Adrian. The words in his soul and his quiet nobility and the way he smiles. He’s special and I feel it in every part of myself.

And once he finds out… I’ll probably lose him.
But do I really have him?

A rattle at the door tells me he’s here. I’m sitting in the middle of the bed that doesn’t have our stuff on it. My wet hair’s tied up in a ponytail and I have a sudden urge to run into the bathroom and put makeup on. It would look ridiculous to put it on after a shower, though, so I don’t. I did put a bra back on, but I’m wondering if I shouldn’t have.

I don’t sleep in them. And he said he wants me, but—

“You okay?” he asks. “You’re spacing off with a look of fear on your face.”

I hadn’t even realized he’d come in! “Yeah… fine. Just tired.” And scared, excited, nervous, and needy too.

“I got some Mountain Dew. I can go to the machine if you want something else. I don’t know what you like.” He sets the pizza, soda, and paper plates on the table.

“Mountain Dew’s my favorite.” I pull my legs out from under myself and stand up.

“Maybe I really am psychic, then. Or just really fucking good.” He gives me a grin and it slams me right in the heart. It’s playful, and though Adrian’s sometimes playful, it never really rings true. This grin? I feel it in my toes and my stomach and my heart and I think maybe that means he really feels it too.

We make our plates and Adrian fills cups for both of us. I’m not sure where we should eat, but then he steps out of his shoes and climbs onto the bed I just left.

“Sit with me, Little Ghost.”

Those words, that name sends a shudder of pleasure through me. I love to watch his mouth as he says it.

My heart is going crazy as I climb next to him. Looking at him now makes it almost possible to forget the ache in his eyes when he saw me with that little girl today. I want nothing more than to make that look go away forever.

“Why aren’t you in school?” he asks me.

Adrian’s not really one to ask a lot of questions. He doesn’t talk, but he’s trying to talk to me now and I’m not sure exactly what that means. “Money, I guess.” I shrug. “And my mom. Though that’s not really a good excuse. It’s not like she really cares if I’m around anyway.”

The thinker in him comes out. It’s almost a shift when he’s trying to figure out something in his head.

“Do you want to go to school?” is his next question.

I take a bite of my pizza, using it as an excuse for some time. I’d always planned on going away to college. Maddox too. He was going to be a football star one day. We all knew it, but when he and Dad stopped being close, Maddox stopped playing.

I wanted to help people. “Yeah… I want to be a nurse. I’ve always wanted to be one.” The words make the urge come to life inside me again. My dream. Don’t I deserve my dream too? Doesn’t Maddox and Adrian? Why did my father’s action get to take that from all of us?

“You’d be good at that. I can see you sneaking extra lollipops to little kids if they’re good.”

That makes me smile. It sounds like something I would love to do. “That would be very nice of me,” I tease.

“So sweet and innocent.”

“Hey!” I set my plate down and pretend to be annoyed by crossing my arms. “There’s nothing wrong with being nice.” Turning my head, I poke out my bottom lip.

Adrian’s hand cups my chin. In a smooth movement he’s turning my head so I face him again. “I never said there was anything wrong with how you are. And if you stick your lip out again, I’m going to bite it.”

His words are a syringe, injecting a pleasurable heat into my veins. I want his mouth on me again so, so much. “What… what about you?” I ask.

“You can bite me, too, if you want.”

I throw a napkin at him. “You know that’s not what I mean.”

“You know what I want. I write.” He doesn’t make eye contact with me as he grabs my empty plate, tossing both his and mine into the trashcan before coming back to sit on the bed again. Two urges bubble up inside me and I’m not sure which one to go with. I want to ask him more, want to ask him everything so I know every piece of Adrian, but I want to be quiet too. To wait… and listen in the hopes he’ll give those pieces of himself to me without my having to pry.

“When I was younger”—he takes a deep breath—“I wrote all the time. Read and wrote. I thought if I disappeared enough into the words, they would become my life instead of the one I was living.”

Oh God, oh God, oh God
. That is a piece of him he never would have given me before. It makes me feel buoyant, invincible, but also like a fraud.

“It doesn’t work that way, though.” There’s seriousness in his voice.

I feel him starting to shut down again and I want to do, to say anything to bring him back to me. To open him up. “Maybe it can… Your words are beautiful, Adrian. The poem you left at the diner was wonderful and the one from the night at my house too.”

“You like them? Do you want me to tell you another story?” His voice is gravelly, husky, but manages to pour over me as smoothly as honey.

“Yes.” My voice sounds funny as well. He’s looking at me so intensely, as though it’s impossible to turn away. My heart is suddenly going crazy again and my skin tingles, burns, whatever else it can possibly feel.

He leans forward. “There once was a beautiful girl. She was sexy as hell.”

Closer. With each second that ticks by he gets closer to me.

“She met a guy. Of course there was a guy and he wanted her so fucking bad he could hardly stand it.”

I want to back up.

I want to lunge for him.

“And for one night, she was his.”

Adrian’s mouth comes down hard and fast on mine. Tender mixed with hungry need as his tongue is stroking and exploring my mouth. My arms wrap around his neck. Adrian leans me back on the bed, my head on the pillows as he lies on top of me.

“Tonight she was his,” he says again, and then kisses me thoroughly. His lips tantalize every part of my body. Somehow I feel him everywhere. Our lips the epicenter, but my whole body is under the same assault.

All the feelings from earlier hit me again. They’re harder and stronger, full of excitement and nerves and fear. I push the others aside, making room for more excitement and desire because no matter how scary this is, I’ve never wanted anything in my life as much as I want Adrian right now.

“Please…” slips out of my mouth.

“Whatever you want.” And then he’s pulling my shirt over my head and I’m pushing his up too. He sits up, straddling me and I slide it over his head. His tattoo is there and I want to kiss it but don’t know if I should. Instead I let my hands travel over his tanned skin. Feeling each sinewy muscle as he constricts in what I hope is need.

“You drive me so fucking crazy,” he says before his mouth is on mine again. His weight so deliciously perfect on top of me. I only tense for a second when his hand pushes under the waistband of my sweats and then my panties. Nerves threaten to push in again, but I remember he’s had his mouth on me before and this is Adrian and no matter what, I know he’d never hurt me.

My body arches toward him as he pushes a finger inside. My nails claw at his back as I move with his hand.

His mouth leaves mine long enough to say, “So tight,” before he’s kissing me again. This time down my body, lavishing first one and then my other breast. And we’re moving together as his finger works me. Pleasure is climbing higher and higher inside me. My body yearns to cry out, but I don’t know if I should, so instead I dig my fingers in tighter until I’m coming apart at the seams beneath him.

He leans his body forward and we’re pressed together. I’m sweating and he’s not, but I can’t find it in me to care right now.

“So beautiful.”

“So tired,” I gasp.

“So not done.”

The promise in his voice reignites the fire inside me. Adrian stands up, his hands going for the button on his pants.

“Can I?” I ask, thankful I didn’t let myself think about the words before they came out.

“You can do anything you want to me.”

I tremble as I sit up and he waits.

My fingers move slowly as I push his button through the hole. I’m sure he’s used to girls being much better at this, but he doesn’t say anything. Risking a glance at him, I look up and his eyes are just as smoldering, just as intense as they were earlier, maybe more.

Adrian touches my cheek. Pulls the band out of my hair and runs his fingers through it. I work his zipper next, seeing the bulge he’s hiding behind it. My breath catches.

“Keep going, baby. I want you.”

And I do. He steps out of his pants after I push them down and then I hook my hands in his boxer-briefs, sliding those down too. Adrian’s length springs free. This time I almost swallow my tongue. Granted, I don’t have anything to compare it to, but he looks really big.

“You started this. You have to finish it,” he says, so I do. I push his underwear all the way down and he steps out of those too. Fear spikes inside me when he begins to step away, but he only bends down, pulling his wallet out of his pocket and then a square package from there.

Adrian opens it, but this he does for himself. I can’t take my eyes off him as he rolls it down.

He lays me on the bed and takes off the rest of my clothes. Lies down on top of me, and even though there’s space between us, I wonder if he can feel my heart beating.

His fingers drift over me. “Still wet for me,” he says.

“Go slow.” My voice sounds like a plea and I hope it doesn’t scare him.

“Whatever you want.”

And then he’s pushing in. Slow… so very slow and I’m arching toward him, but tensing up too.
I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.

A small burst of pain makes me cry out and Adrian freezes above me.
In
me.

“Why didn’t you tell me, Little Ghost?” His forehead drops to mine.

“Because it doesn’t change anything. No matter what, I want to be with you.”

He gives me a small nod. A light, soft kiss on my forehead before he starts to move. With each stroke the pain is wiped away and all I feel is pleasure. Adrian. I wrap my arms around his back again. Sweat slicks his skin now and I revel in the fact that I can get him that worked up.

Each time he pulls out, I gasp, wanting to feel him deep again.

Words fill my head. I want to call his name. Want to hear him say mine, but I don’t know if it’s right or if he’ll hear the need for him in my voice, so I don’t say anything. Try to let my body tell him how good this feels. How good he feels as I move with him and clutch the strong muscles of his back.

His lips take my own and all I can think is we’re joined in two incredibly important places. That’s all it takes for the pull to start building in me again. Adrian seems to sense it and moves faster, kisses deeper, and that’s when I can’t hold it back anymore. I bite my lip as wave after wave washes over me.

“Christ,” Adrian hisses, and then he tenses above me. I feel him jerk inside me and know he’s finishing too. Veins spring to life in his neck before he pulls away. I miss the feel of him instantly. I’m scared I’m going to cry. I don’t know why. Don’t know if it’s because that was more than I expected or because as beautiful as it was, there are lies between us because of me. Lies that I need to come clean about before they ruin us both.

I try to stand up, but Adrian says, “Don’t go. Stay here. I’ll be right back.”

He disappears into the bathroom and I hear water running. He’s back in a few seconds and I can’t keep my eyes from his gorgeous, naked body.

“Let me clean you.”

It’s so sweet and so unexpected that I’m again scared the tears will come. I try not to be embarrassed as he cleans me with the washcloth. His condom is gone and when he’s done, he puts the washcloth away, turns off the light, and crawls back into bed with me.

He doesn’t touch me at first, making me wonder if he’s going to pull away again. If somehow what was so beautiful to me could have been a mistake for Adrian.

“Come here, my little ghost.” As he says it, he’s pulling me to him, my back to his front, out bodies naked and molding together. He wraps his arm around my waist, his mouth by my ear. All I can do is feel him and hear him. He didn’t just say
little ghost
… he said
my
. It’s thrilling and wonderful and another reason to feel guilty all wrapped together.

“Do you want to know more of the story?” he asks, holding me so close.

“Yes.”

“It was about more than just wanting her. The girl… she was amazing. So giving. She gave the man something he didn’t deserve… but he was really thankful. He treasured it.”

In the dark, I let the wetness in my eyes brim over. “What happened next?”

“I don’t know,” he says after what feels like forever. “I don’t know the end.”

Another truth I would prefer over the lie. No promises.

Adrian doesn’t say anything else. I can tell when he falls asleep, when his breathing evens out, his body as relaxed as I’ve ever felt it. But I can’t sleep. Guilt churns inside me.

Quietly I slip out of bed. I grab my short robe from my bag and slip it on before walking over to the window and opening the curtains to look out.
Please don’t wake up.

You can see the coldness in the air. I look at the stars. They’re so bright, so never ending and so far away from all the hurt that I envy them.

The tattoo on Adrian’s chest shows in my mind and again the look on his face when he saw the little girl. The pain that is so dark and lonely in his eyes and how when we came together, I could have sworn it disappeared. Tears stream down my face. How can I feel that way when I know it’s a lie? When I know he’ll never be able to look at me without seeing the nephew I took from him, once he finds out?