Eyeless In Gaza (21 page)

‘I won't inflict Kant on you,' said Hugh indulgently. ‘But I think' (he brought the pencil into play again), ‘I think you'll have to read one or two of the modern Kantians. Vaihinger's
Philosophy of As If
, for example, and von Uexküll's
Theoretical Biology
. You see, Kant's behind all our twentieth-century science. Just as Newton was behind all the science of the eighteenth and nineteenth . . .'

‘Well, Helen!'

They started and looked up – looked up into the smiling, insolently handsome face of Gerry Watchett. Brilliantly blue against the sunburnt skin, the eyes glanced from one to the other with a kind of mockery. Coming a step nearer, he laid his hand familiarly on Helen's shoulder. ‘What's the fun? Crossword puzzles?' He gave the shoulder two or three little pats.

‘As though she were his horse,' Hugh said to himself indignantly. And, in effect, that was what the man looked like – a groom. That crisply waving, golden-brownish hair, that blunt-featured face, at once boyish and tough – they were straight from the table, straight from Epsom downs.

Helen smiled a smile that was intended to be contemptuously superior – an intellectual's smile. ‘You
would
think it was crosswords!' she said. Then, ‘By the way,' she added in another tone, ‘you know each other, don't you?' she looked enquiringly from Gerry to Hugh.

‘We do,' Gerry answered: and still keeping his right hand on Helen's shoulder, he raised his left in the derisive caricature of a military salute. ‘Good evening, Colonel.'

Sheepishly, Hugh returned the salute. All his power and confidence had vanished with his forced return from the world of books to that of personal life; he felt like an albatross on dry land – helplessly awkward, futile, ugly. And yet how easy it should have been to put on a knowing smile, and say significantly, ‘Yes, I know Mr Watchett very well' – know him, the tone would imply, for what he is: the gentleman share-pusher, the professional gambler and the professional lover. Mary Amberley's lover at the moment, so it was supposed. ‘Know him very well
indeed
!' That was what it would have been so easy to say. But he didn't say it: he only smiled and rather foolishly raised his hand to his forehead.

Gerry, meanwhile, had sat down on the arm of the sofa, and through the smoke of his cigarette was staring at Helen with a calm and easy insolence, appraising her, so it seemed, point by point – hocks, withers, quarters, barrel. ‘Do you know, Helen,' he said at last, ‘you're getting prettier and prettier every day.'

Blushing, Helen threw back her head and laughed; then suddenly stiffened her face into an unnatural rigidity. She was angry – angry with Gerry for his damned impertinence, angry above all with herself for having been pleased by the damned impertinence, for having reacted with such a humiliatingly automatic punctuality to that offensive flattery. Going red in the face and giggling like a schoolgirl! And that Philosophy of As If, those horn-rimmed spectacles, and the new life, and the
card index . . .? A man said, ‘You're pretty,' and it was as though they had never been so much as thought of. She turned towards Hugh; turned for protection, for support. But her eyes no sooner met his than he looked away. His face took on an expression of meditative absence; he seemed to be thinking of something else. Was he angry with her, she wondered? Had he been offended because she had been pleased by Gerry's compliment? But it had been like blinking at the noise of a gun – something you couldn't help doing. He ought to understand, ought to realize that she wanted to lead that new life, was simply longing to be sagacious. Instead of which, he just faded out and refused to have anything to do with her. Oh, it wasn't fair!

Behind that cold detached mask of his, Hugh was feeling more than ever like Baudelaire's albatross.

Ah, those strong and majestic swoopings in the neo-Kantian azure!

From the next room the gramophone was trumpeting, ‘Yes, sir, she's my baby.' Gerry whistled a couple of bars; then ‘What about a spot of fox-trotting, Helen?' he suggested. ‘Unless, of course, you haven't finished with the Colonel.' He glanced mockingly at Hugh's averted face. ‘I don't want to interrupt . . .'

It was Helen's turn to look at Hugh. ‘Well . . .' she began doubtfully.

But without looking up, ‘Oh, not at all, not at all,' Hugh made haste to say; and wondered, even as he did so, what on earth had induced him to proclaim his own defeat before even there had been a battle. Leaving her to that groom! Fool, coward! Still, he told himself cynically, she probably preferred
the groom. He got up, mumbled something about having to talk to someone about some point that had turned up, and moved away towards the door that gave on to the landing and the stairs.

‘Well, if he doesn't want me to stay,' Helen thought resentfully, ‘if he doesn't think it's worth his while to keep me.' She was hurt.

‘Exit the Colonel,' said Gerry. Then, ‘What about that spot of dancing?' He rose, came towards her and held out his hand. Helen took it and pulled herself up from the low chair. ‘No, sir, don't say maybe,' he sang as he put his arm about her. They stepped out into the undulating stream of the music. Zigzagging between chairs and tables, he steered towards the door that led into the other room.

IT HAD BECOME
a rite, a sacrament (that was how John Beavis described it to himself): a sacrament of communion. First, the opening of the wardrobe door, the handling of her dresses. Closing his eyes, he breathed the perfume they exhaled, the faint sweet essence of her body from across the widening abyss of time. Then there were the drawers. These three, on the left, contained her linen. The lavender bags were tied with pale blue ribbon. This lace on the night-gown he now unfolded had touched . . . Even in thought, John Beavis avoided the pronunciation of the words ‘her breasts,' but only imagined the rounded flesh softly swelling and sinking under the intricacies of the patterned thread; then recalled those Roman nights; and finally thought of Lollingdon and the hollow vale, the earth, the terrible dark silence. The night-gown refolded and once more shut away, it was the turn of the two small drawers on the right – of the gloves that had encased her hands, the belts that had girdled her body and that now he wound round his wrist or tightened like a phylactery about his temples. And the rite concluded with the reading of her letters – those touchingly childish letters she
had written during their engagement. That consummated the agony for him; the rite was over and he could go to bed with yet another sword in his heart.

But recently, it seemed, the sword had grown blunter. It was as though her death, till now so poignantly alive, had itself begun to die. The rite seemed to be losing its magic: consummation became increasingly difficult of achievement, and, when achieved, was less painful and, for that reason, less satisfying. For the thing which had made life worth living all these months was precisely the pain of his bereavement. Desire and tenderness had suddenly been deprived of their object. It was an amputation – agonizing. And now this pain – and it was all of her that was left him – this precious anguish was slipping away from him, was dying, even as Maisie herself had died.

Tonight it seemed to have vanished altogether. He buried his face in the scented folds of her dresses, he spread out the lace and lawn she had worn next her skin, he blew into one of her gloves and watched the gradual deflation of this image of her hand – dying, dying, till the skin hung limp again and empty of even the pretence of life. But the rites were without effect; John Beavis remained unmoved. He knew that she was dead and that his bereavement was terrible. But he felt nothing of this bereavement – nothing except a kind of dusty emptiness of spirit.

He went to bed unfulfilled, somehow humiliated. Magic rites justify themselves by success; when they fail to produce their proper emotional results, the performer feels that he has been betrayed into making a fool of himself.

Dry, like a mummy, in the dusty emptiness of his own sepulchre, John Beavis lay for a long time, unable to sleep. Twelve; one; two; and then, when he had utterly despaired of it, sleep came, and he was dreaming that she was there beside him; and it was Maisie as she had been in the first year of their marriage, the round flesh swelling and subsiding beneath the
lace, the lips parted and, oh, innocently consenting. He took her in his arms.

It was the first time since her death that he had dreamed of her except as dying.

John Beavis woke to a sense of shame; and when, later in the day, he saw Miss Gannett evidently waiting for him, as usual, in the corridor outside his lecture-room, he pretended not to have noticed her, but hurried past with downcast eyes, frowning, as though preoccupied by some abstruse, insoluble problem in the higher philology.

But the next afternoon found him at his old Aunt Edith's weekly At Home. And of course – though he expressed a perhaps excessive surprise at seeing her – of course Miss Gannett was there, as he knew she would be; for she never missed one of Aunt Edith's Thursdays.

‘You were in a terrible hurry yesterday,' she said, when his surprise had had time to die down.

‘Me? When?' He pretended not to know what she meant.

‘At the College, after your lecture.'

‘But were you there? I didn't see you.'

‘Now he thinks I shirked his lecture,' she wailed to some non-existent third party. Ever since, two months before, she had first met him in Aunt Edith's drawing-room, Miss Gannett had faithfully attended every one of his public lectures. ‘To improve my mind,' she used to explain. ‘Because,' with a jocularity that was at the same time rather wistful, ‘it does so need improving!'

Mr Beavis protested. ‘But I didn't say anything of the kind.'

‘I'll show you the notes I took.'

‘No, please don't do that!' It was his turn to be playful. ‘If you knew how my own lectures bored me!'

‘Well, you nearly ran me over in the corridor, after the lecture.'

‘Oh,
then
!'

‘I never saw anyone walk so fast.'

He nodded. ‘Yes, I
was
in a hurry; it's quite true. I had a Committee. Rather a special one,' he added impressively.

She opened her eyes at him very wide, and, from playful, her tone and expression became very serious. ‘It must be rather a bore sometimes,' she said, ‘to be such a very important person – isn't it?'

Mr Beavis smiled down at the grave and awestruck child before him – at the innocent child who was also a rather plump and snubbily pretty young woman of seven and twenty – smiled with pleasure and stroked his moustache. ‘Oh, not quite so important as all that,' he protested. ‘Not quite such . . .' he hesitated for a moment; his mouth twitched, his eyes twinkled; then the colloquialism came out: ‘not quite such a “howling toff” as you seem to imagine.'

There was only one letter that morning. From Anthony, Mr Beavis saw as he tore open the envelope.

‘B
ULSTRODE,
June 26th
.

‘D
EAREST
F
ATHER,
– Thank you for your letter. I thought we were going to Tenby for the holidays. Did you not arrange it with Mrs Foxe? Foxe says she expects us, so perhaps we ought not to go to Switzerland instead as you say we are doing. We had two matches yesterday, first eleven
v.
Sunny Bank, second
v.
Mumbridge, we won both which was rather ripping. I was playing in the second eleven and made six not out. We have begun a book called Lettres de mon Moulin in French, I think it is rotten. There is no more news, so with much love. – Your loving son,

‘A
NTHONY
.

‘
P.S
. – Don't forget to write to Mrs Foxe, because Foxe says he knows she thinks we are going To Tenby.'

Mr Beavis frowned as he read the letter, and when breakfast was over, sat down at once to write an answer.

‘E
ARL'S
C
OURT
S
QUARE,

27.vi.03.

‘D
EAREST
A
NTHONY,
– I am disappointed that you should have received what I had hoped was a piece of very exciting news with so little enthusiasm. At your age I should certainly have welcomed the prospect of “going abroad,” especially to Switzerland, with unbounded delight. The arrangements with Mrs Foxe were always of the most indeterminate nature. Needless to say, however, I wrote to her as soon as the golden opportunity for exploring the Bernese Oberland in congenial company turned up, as it did only a few days since, and made me decide to postpone the realization of our vague Tenby plans. If you want to see exactly where we are going, take your map of Switzerland, find Interlaken and the Lake of Brienz, move eastward from the end of the lake to Meiringen and thence in a southerly direction towards Grindelwald. We shall be staying at the foot of the Scheideck Pass, at Rosenlaui, almost in the shadow of such giants as the Jungfrau, Weisshorn and Co. I do not know the spot, but gather from all accounts that it is entirely “spiffing” and paradisal.

‘I am delighted to hear you did so creditably in your match. You must go on, dear boy, from strength to strength. Next year I shall hope to see you sporting the glories of the First Eleven colours.

‘I cannot agree with you in finding Daudet “rotten.” I suspect that his rottenness mainly consists in the difficulties he presents to a tyro. When you have acquired a complete mastery of the language, you will come to
appreciate the tender charm of his style and the sharpness of his wit.

‘I hope you are working your hardest to make good your sad weakness in “maths.” I confess that I never shone in the mathematical line myself, so am able to sympathize with your difficulties. But hard work will do wonders, and I am sure that if you really “put your back into” algebra and geometry, you can easily get up to scholarship standards by this time next year. – Ever your most affectionate father,