Exposure (6 page)

I
had
no idea how it happened, but Asher and I ended up walking through the Park and to the JKO Reservoir, and Asher rented a rowboat for us. I was terrified, at first, to be there in the open space of the Park, but I practiced all the strategies that Dr. Valence taught me, and I was able to calm down enough to make it to the water.

I smiled when Asher led me over to the boat. “I’ve always wanted to do this,” I said. “How did you know?”

“Everybody likes to do this,” he said. “Get in, CJ.” He took my hand and helped me into the boat. “Besides, you need a reward for being able to get through this Park without having a single panic attack.”

As he rowed me along, I looked around. I was still frightened, but it was more like the feeling I got when I used to ride Ferris wheels. I have always been afraid of heights. Yet, I would force myself to ride the Ferris wheels whenever I would go to a carnival, because I wanted to conquer this fear. So, when the wheel would stop at the very top, at first I was terrified to look. I would keep my eyes squeezed shut, and if my companion would rock our car, I would start to freak out.

But, eventually, I would be able to open my eyes and look at the beauty and wonder of the city, as seen from such a vantage point. I would stop thinking the worst – that somehow, someway, that car was going to detach from the Ferris wheel, and I would plummet to my death. And I would calm down. It was still scary to be up there, but the fear had been quelled so that it was supplanted by the sheer joy of being able to see beauty for miles.

This was what it was like, being in that boat with Asher. I was still very frightened, but that feeling of panic and fear were suppressed and overridden by the sheer joy of the simple act of rowing around the Reservoir. Of seeing the swans, ducks, geese and other water fowl move gracefully around us. Of hearing the sounds of laughter and music. Of being in the company of this magnificent man. And, every time he would touch me, the tingles and excitement of that gesture would send goose pimples up my flesh, and even the slight bit of fear that I was feeling was forgotten in that moment.

He was smiling at me while he rowed the boat around the lake. “Are you doing okay, CJ?” he asked me.

“Surprisingly so,” I said. “I mean, I don’t think that I’m cured just yet, but this is a huge step for me to take. If you would have asked me just three days ago if I would be able to be out in the middle of the Park, I would have said that you’re nuts. But, yet, here I am.”

“Here you are,” he said. And then he stopped rowing and the boat rocked back and forth on the water. He stroked my cheek and kissed my forehead. “You’re beautiful, you know that?”

I smiled and felt myself blushing.

He continued on. “Now, CJ, I understand that you’re probably tight for money these days. After all, if you haven’t been able to work for the past six months, that must be draining on your bank account.”

I nodded. “It is. But I’m feeling more confident now that I might be able to soon get back to what I was doing before. It might be a long, slow road to recovery, but I feel that it’s doable now. Thanks to you.”

He looked at me. “Yes. And there’s also the issue of your medical bills.”

I licked my lips and looked at him quizzically. How did he know about them?

“I know that you were in the hospital after your little brother died. And I know how long you spent there.”

“How did you-“

“I have my ways, CJ,” he said. “But I know that a month in the psychiatric hospital wouldn’t be cheap. And it wasn’t, was it?”

I shook my head, feeling absolutely humiliated. I felt tears streaming down my cheek. I had no idea how he knew about my stay in the mental hospital. It wasn’t in the newspaper articles that were constantly blasting throughout the city after the incident. It was something that was strictly confidential. Even Scarlett didn’t know about that. When I finally got home after being in the hospital for a month, I told her that I had gone overseas to clear my head. I was embarrassed to tell even her about that.

Yet Asher knew. How did he know?

“No, Asher, it wasn’t cheap,” I said, suddenly feeling violated. It was a private thing. Why was he bringing it up and throwing it in my face?

“I can help you, CJ,” he said. “I can help you, if you care to help me.”

“What does that supposed to mean? How can I help you?”

“I need a woman like you for something very specific.” He paused for a few minutes, just looking at me silently, and then he said “I’m trying very hard to shake my ex-girlfriend. She’s turned into something of a stalker, I’m afraid to say.”

“Go on.” I was thinking that this entire conversation was sounding surreal, but, then again, the past few days, in general, were surreal. This conversation, really, was just in keeping with the overall tone of life since I met this guy.

“She hasn’t given up. So, I told her a little white lie. Well, no, scratch that. It was a major white lie. I told her that I was getting married.”

“Getting married,” I said slowly. “And that will deter her how?” I knew something about stalkerish people. They usually didn’t give up that easily.

“She’s part of high society, and cares, very much, what people think about her. She knows that if she continues to chase me, even after I’m no longer available, her friends will think that she’s desperate. That’s the last thing that she wants.”

“And you want me to play the part of your fiancée?” I was just a little bit astounded. This guy, number one, certainly didn’t need to hire anybody to play his fiancée for him. And, number two, he could certainly do better than a fragile shut-in like myself.

“Yes,” he said. “I would. I could pay off your medical bills, which I know are in the hundreds of thousands of dollars by now, with all the interest and penalties tacked on. It would save you from bankruptcy. And I could certainly get you set up financially so that you can work your recovery at your own pace. I know that you made a baby step by coming out here with me, but I would be surprised if you would be able to jump back into your photography career anytime soon.”

“You’re going to pay me to sleep with you?” I asked. “Sorry, buddy, but no deal. I’m not a prostitute.”

“No,” he said. “I’m not paying you to sleep with me. Us sleeping together would merely be a bonus. But I would like to pay you to play the part of a loving fiancée. As I see it, it would be an arrangement that would benefit both of us very much.”

I looked at him and simply narrowed my eyes. “I guess I don’t understand why you want
me
to do this, specifically. There would seem to be any number of women who would more than willingly act as your fiancée. Women who wouldn’t jump out of their skin at any given outdoor moment. Why do you want me?”

He sighed. “Because, CJ, you would truly benefit from doing this for me. You’re right, there are other women who I know from my social circle who would be more than willing to do this. But they don’t need the money, to say the very least. You do.”

“But Asher, there are a lot of other women who would do this willingly for no pay at all. I mean, look at you. You’re magnificent in so many ways. Lots of women would jump at the chance.”

He got quiet. “CJ, here’s the thing. I really need something that is no strings attached. By attaching money to this proposition, I can ensure that. It’s simply a business arrangement. But to have some woman just do this for me, without my providing some kind of external incentive – that would be taking advantage. I have no intention of this arrangement ever becoming real. I hope that you understand.”

My heart sunk to my shoes when he said that. There was a very large part of me that was becoming extremely attached to this guy, and that part of me was screaming that I did want the whole thing to be real. I wanted him and I to explore an honest-to-God relationship. I had never had a real relationship, at least not one that was healthy.

I was starting to fantasize that this relationship could be the one for me. The healthy relationship that would take my mind off of all my pain and my tragic past. The type of relationship that would help me forget what I did and help me erase the horrible guilt that I felt, every single day, about my role in Nathaniel’s death.

Help me find release from the agony that led to my suicide attempt and subsequent stay in the mental hospital.

I bit my lip and shook my head. “No, Asher, I won’t do it. As much as it’s tempting just to have money that would save me from bankruptcy court and having to go on social security disability, I can’t lower myself like that. I’m sorry.”

And as I looked at his gorgeous face, I realized that I wasn’t sorry at all. Fury started to bubble up from down below and flood my every pore. How dare he try to use me like that? Lead me on, make me think that he was really interested in me?

I also realized something else. My panic disorder wasn’t cured at all. I might have been able to overcome it for a short period of time, I guess because being with Asher made me forget my issues. But, because I suddenly realized that he was playing me for a fool all along, this protective shield suddenly went away.

And I realized anew where I was. In Central Park. In a boat in the middle of the lake. Essentially trapped. No place to go.

My chest started squeezing again, and I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t have my inhaler with me, either. Not being able to breathe made me panic all the more. I felt like my entire life was being constricted as I sat there on the boat.

Asher took one look at me gasping like that, and immediately started rowing like crazy, trying to get me back to shore. “Stay with me, CJ, stay with me,” he was saying. “Oh, God, this was such a bad idea. I’m so sorry, CJ, please forgive me.”

I was gasping like a fish out of water. I kept trying to get air into my lungs, but it wasn’t working. This was unlike any other attack that I had ever had.

Was this it? Was I going to suffocate?

I watched as Asher frantically was dialing his phone to call for help while he rowed at the same time. “I need paramedics on shore immediately,” he was saying.

It seemed like forever before we got to shore and Asher helped me out of the boat. I was put on a stretcher immediately, and, thank God, somebody put an oxygen mask on me. Relief flooded me as my lungs were filled with air.

Then I was loaded into the ambulance and taken to the nearest hospital.

I
was taken
to the ER, and released that same night. I was stabilized and monitored, and, once my vital signs returned to normal, it was time for me to go home.

Asher, to his credit, stayed in the hospital the entire time.

But I had no desire for him to take me home. I had no idea how I was going to get home, but it wasn’t going to be in his limo.

I was done with that guy.

“CJ, now wait. You’re not being sensible here,” he said. “I think that you know that you can’t take a cab home.” We were in the lobby of the ER, sitting on the chairs. He had a cup of coffee in his hand, and another one sitting on the chair next to him. I didn’t drink, coffee, however, so I refused his apparent olive branch towards me.

“Yes, Asher, I know that. Goddammit, what were you thinking? You took me out in a boat and then sprung that bullshit on me. I could have died out there. I was suffocating. I wasn’t getting any air into my lungs. That was probably one of the stupidest things that you could do to me. And I’m just going to assume that it wasn’t a deliberately cruel thing on your part, because I don’t have any idea what would motivate you to do such a thing.”

“No, CJ, it wasn’t deliberate, I promise. I do like you. Please don’t get me wrong. But I can’t love. I don’t have the ability to fall in love. It’s a defect in me, CJ, and I’m sorry. I can’t help that.”

“Now you tell me. You’ve fucked me like twenty times in the span of three days, and you’re just now telling me that you can’t love? Well, fuck you. And fuck off, too.”

He looked stricken. “I’m sorry, CJ. I guess I probably shouldn’t have gotten involved with you in your fragile state.”

“You’re goddamned right about that,” I said. “That’s about the most right thing that you’ve said in awhile.”

I looked out the window of the hospital. I was faced with a familiar dilemma. How to get home when I was, once again, terrified of leaving the building? I shuddered. I felt like I did when I was trapped in Asher’s building. I made it home that time because Asher was beside me, holding my hand. Now I apparently wouldn’t have that.

How was I going to get home?

He attempted to hold my hand, but I abruptly pulled it away. I couldn’t look at him. At his stricken face and sympathetic eyes. I knew that he felt badly for springing that whole proposition on me, and then telling me about how he wanted me for this whole charade because I was pathetic and broke. His other girlfriends were all wealthy, so he didn’t want
them
to be his charity bride. He wanted
me
to play that role because he figured that I would be so desperate for the cash that I would jump at his no-strings-attached bullshit proposal.

He had another thing coming.

I folded my arms in front of me. “You better go, Asher. I believe that tomorrow is a work day for you. Besides, at this point, I don’t think that I can stand the sight of you.”

He shook his head. “I’m not leaving you, CJ.”

Then I was really angry. “Oh, you’re not? And why is that? Because you have to rescue the pathetic princess? I’m not your fucking charity case, so please quit treating me like I am.”

“No, CJ, it isn’t like that.”

“It
is
like that, Asher. You know what kind of fucked-up thing happened to me. No, it didn’t happen to me. It happened to an innocent little 4-year-old boy. But it was certainly my fault. And, lo and behold, you know about my suicide attempt and my stay in the nut house. And, you know about my panic disorder and agoraphobia. What part of all of that says to you that I’m not some kind of special charity case for you, Mr. Spoiled Charmed Life guy?”

He hung his head and contemplated his coffee cup. “Is that what you think about me? That I’m just some kind of spoiled asshole born with a silver spoon in my mouth? That I’ve never known tragedy like you have?”

“That’s exactly what I think about you, so you need to get out of this hospital and leave me the fuck alone. I’ll call Scarlett. She genuinely loves me and cares about me. I’ll get home safely if she comes and gets me. But she might have to bring me a sedative, though.”

“You aren’t a charity case, and I’m not at all what you think I am. You couldn’t be more wrong.”

“Oh? What part of my analysis of you is wrong, Mr. Richy-Rich?”

“All of it.” He shook his head again. “But you can think what you want. Call Scarlett, have her come and get you. I’m going to talk to your doctor and see if he can’t give you something to calm yourself down on the way home. And I’m at least sticking around until she comes to get you, CJ. I take full responsibility for you being here in the first place, and I’ll be goddamned if I just abandon you.”

“No,” I said. “I’m calling Scarlett, and you’re leaving right this very second. As I said before, I can’t stand the sight of you.”

He just shook his head. “I’m going to find your doctor and have him prescribe you something, because you’re going to need something to get you home without panicking. I’ll be right back.”

At that, he disappeared, apparently to find my doctor.

And I called Scarlett.

“CJ,” she said when I called. “I’ve been worried about you again, but not as much as before. Where are you?”

“At the hospital,” I said. “I need for you to come and get me.” I fought the tears that were threatening to break through the dam.

“The hospital, oh my God,” she said.

“Please, don’t ask me to talk about it right now. I can’t. But please come and get me.”

“I’m on the elevator right now, and I’m going to hail a cab as soon as I get on the street. Do you need me to stay on the phone with you?”

“Yes,” I said, knowing that it would be at least a half hour before she could make it to the hospital. “I don’t know what I would do without you.”

I was still talking on the phone with Scarlett when Asher appeared, a bottle of sedatives in his hand. I tried to ignore him, but he sat right down next to me, his hand on the arm rest. He slowly attempted to creep his hand so that it was on top of mine, but I quickly took my hand away and glared at him.

Scarlett and I were making small talk, which was what I wanted. I certainly didn’t want to talk about Asher and his charity proposal. The whole thing made me sick just thinking about it.

“So,” Scarlett was saying. “Bobby the Goldman Guy called me tonight.”

In spite of myself, I laughed. Bobby the Goldman Guy was one of Scarlett’s hookups. Hotter than hell, but, according to Scarlett, he was more than selfish in bed. He apparently had a cock like Asher’s, but had no idea on earth how to use it. Shame, that.

“And?”

“And, what? I mean, I guess he’s trainable, but I really don’t want to have to coach a guy through remedial sex school. Besides, he either has it or he doesn’t. I’m not sure that he’s redeemable at this point.”

I smiled at her term “remedial sex school.” There were plenty of guys who needed to go through that particular school, that was for sure.

Asher wasn’t one of them, though.

I snarled my lip as he sat next to me, rattling around the pills that he got for me in their little brown case. Why did he have to be so hot and so great in bed? I was trying, very hard, to keep my wall up, but he looked so sad and lost I almost lost my nerve.

Almost.

“Well, then, give old Bobby the heave ho, you ho,” I said with a smile. I was starting to feel better just talking with her on the phone. “There are plenty more where that came from.”

“True that. What about you, CJ? I almost hate to ask you this, but have you heard from your billionaire hotty lately?”

“No comment,” I said, glancing at Asher. He immediately looked at me, a hopeful look on his face. I guess he thought that perhaps because I looked at him, I was going to somehow forgive him.

Nothing doing.

“Well, CJ,” Scarlett said. “I’m here, and I’m coming through the door.”

I looked at the door, and, sure enough, there was Scarlett with an umbrella in one hand, and a phone in the other. She had another umbrella slung over her shoulder, and an extra raincoat.

I didn’t even realize that it had started raining.

What a perfect metaphor for my crappy life.

I stood up and looked back at Asher. He, too, stood up. Scarlett just stood looking at both of us, her mouth gaped open as she looked at Asher. She blinked her eyes, as if she wasn’t quite sure she was seeing what she was seeing.

“CJ,” Asher was saying. “I have your sedatives here. I think that you need to take them. I don’t want you to have problems on the way home.”

“I won’t have problems,” I said, but, as I looked out the window, and felt the familiar constriction in my chest, I felt doubtful about that. “Oh, what the hell, give me that bottle.” I looked at Scarlett. “I’ll be right back. I need to take one of these pills with some water.”

Scarlett just nodded at me, her eyes still fixed on Asher. I walked away and looked behind me, and Scarlett was just staring at Asher, and Asher was just staring at me.

I shook my head. What kind of a rabbit hole did I just fall down?

I went into the bathroom and downed one pill with some water. I looked into the mirror at my blotchy face, wondering what the hell Asher saw in me to begin with.

Oh, what was I saying? I was a charity case for him. Nothing but a fucking charity case. Therefore, he didn’t see anything in me. Well, he saw me as a good lay, I guess. But, other than that, I was a nobody to him. A nothing.

Why did I ever think that I would be more?

After a few minutes, the sedative started to kick in, and I was feeling loopy. But loopy was better than panicky, so I felt that I was ready to leave for home.

I walked out and Scarlett was actively flirting with Asher, having apparently recovered her composure. Asher, however, wasn’t flirting back. He was looking down the hallway the entire time she was talking to him and doing her trademark hair-flip. He saw me emerging from the bathroom and walked up to greet me. He attempted to put his arm around me, but I abruptly took his arm and flung it away from me with a glare.

I was almost home free.

“Come on, Scarlett,” I said, without a backward glance. “Let’s go home.”

“Oh, okay,” she said, her beautiful eyelashes batting furiously. “It was very nice to meet you, Asher.”

“Likewise,” he said. “CJ, please turn around so that I can say goodbye to you.”

I just shook my head and got into the cab. “Come on, Scarlett, get in here right now.”

She got in, and the cabby drove off.